Journals

I've been thinking alot lately. For a change. Actually it is a change. Recently I've felt more on my own, but almost in a good way. I can feel myself stepping away from everything, becoming more objective. My only fear is that I'm spending my life thinking instead of living, but that is something I have no control over.

What is strength? For instance, does it take more strength to force yourself not to care what everyone else around you thinks or says and go completely wild...or does (...)

For the past 4/5 months i have been dealing with a foot infection that has been getting slowly worse. It's some kind of fungal and blistering thing (and i'm sorry if that is gross) sprinkled with a dry cracking dermititus.

Two weeks ago i finally went to the doctor. The stuff he gave me didn't work and last sunday i couldn't even walk. There's a part of me that felt I would be better off chopping the foot off. At this point, I was dealing with a near unbearable itching which would then (...)

I'm sitting here at my computer, staring in dismay at the screen. The blank stare is because I'm tired, but the dismay is from my writer's block. Because I have an essay due tomorrow, and I can't think of anything safe to write. It's a senior autobiography; a nice two to four page essay written to make the college guidance woman like me. Because she controls my future, I'm supposed to write an essay to make her like me more. But the things that have truly influenced me are by no means things (...)

"Another day left waiting, alone in my room, with no calls from you"

That's how the song goes. That's how my life has gone lately. I've tried to call this girl a few times this weekend and a good many times this month, but she never seems to be around. She hasn't returned calls when I've left messages with her, with her mom, she hasn't been online. . .

It sucks.

I hate myself for being so weak, though, because I'm sure I wouldn't say what I feel if I could reach her in the first place. It (...)

Well, I've had my end-of-contract review today.

Basically, my job was on a probationary 6-month period before I'm given a full-time contract. I've now completed that 6-month period, and had my review, which I must say went very well.

I think my boss is happy with what I've done, at least I hope he is. We discussed a lot of different ideas for the future, ambitions that my expertise in programming will finally enable the company to realise.

While I doubt this company will ever submit to the (...)

Is the gift of being a writer a curse or a blessing? I often wonder. Sometimes I think I am lucky to be able to express myself through my writing, other times when I'm in a rut (writer's block), as I am right now, I seriously believe I've been cursed. Although what I have done to warrant being cursed like this, I don't know. I long for the day when the words can just flow from my mind to the keyboard/ or paper with ease. But, alas I have not felt that wonderful feeling of release since, (...)

I feel so fortunate. Months ago, I would have called it "blessed." Perhaps that is a better word. Not for the religious overtones, but possibly for the spiritual ones. (Although "fortunate" has some deliciously Pagan overtones that are also appealing!)

Two years ago I was living in my car, scraping by selling drugs and perpetrating various crimes. I was shooting up, and even near-death overdoses (2) couldn't discourage my habit. The misery I have known is incredible, impossible, (...)