Aynjell's journal

I am indeed, stoked!

?% | 1

# 43087

Well, I'm buying it.

They are dropping the price to 9500 for me, and I can get some of that back through some financial aid I get. In short, I no longer ever have to worry about not having a car. I'm satisfied with life now. :)

Maybe now I can find that nice girl and settle down. :D

One sided relationships...

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# 42985

I've finally realized what I hate about my life: Every relationship I've ever had has been horribly one sided, hell, even "family" never fucking calls me, except for my father. The concept of somebody actively taking interest in me is one I simply incapable of understanding.

I am thinking that I push too hard as a friend or something. Maybe I'm too nice? People don't trust nice. I guess it's mandatory I be a fucking asshole every now and then. People like it when somebody is somewhat hard to reach... do I need to start being more of an asshole in real life, guys?

Excercise!

67% | 4

# 42906

I've finally decided to get in shape. And thankfully, I have been super depressed lately. I suppose that deserves explanation: I've noticed that when I run I don't think about everything I'm pissed off about. I don't think about the women I want to be with, I don't think about my lacking a car, I don't think about school, work, my family, money, games I suck at, or my fucking inability to focus on something for more than a day; I think about getting past this block, and then the goal shifts to the next... and the next.

Excercising is enough to clear my mind and quiet my thoughts, and amongst other things, it's making me a better person. I notice a peace come over me when I get home, pouring with sweat... and when I start my shower to rinse the sweat from my body, it's millions of times more climactic than what I would be doing, and oddly enough, it is keeping me from doing the things I hated about myself... like looking at pornography or sitting around and not doing anything, letting my life waste by in a blur of self-loathing and sloth.

I am already addicted to the strain, the high, and the goal I hope to achieve(which is to lose 50 pounds). Strangely enough, my depression has put me into a position where filling myself with anything but water makes me feel sick... and that is simply an exponent on my excercise, making my 50 pound goal all the more realistic, so I suppose I better take advantage of this while it lasts.

Yes, this depression does coencide with that girl that I know I can't have... and running is the only thing that takes my mind off of her.

New Computer!

# 41302

Well, my trust 3200+ has died on me, leaving my PC completely rebuilt. Yep, that's right, every fucking part in my PC has been replaced since that fatefull day that I bought a PC from that horrible little shop (except my video card and DVD drive, which have been very faitful). This time, I'm doing it right:

System Name: Sianne
Function: Main System, Gaming System, Development System
Total Cost: 2500$

Input:
Saitek Eclipse
Razer Copperhead

Output:

2 NEC LCD72V 17" LCD Flat Panels at 1280x1024@75hz
Altec Lansing GT5051 5.1 Speakers

Tower:

Opteron 165
2 GB of OCZ Gold GX
DFI NF4 SLI-DR Expert
OCZ Powerstream 520
eVGA 7800GT CO
Sound Blaster Audigy 2 ZS Platinum
Samsung 250GB Spinpoint Drive
Mitsumi 7 in 1 Card Reader/Floppy
Thermaltake Armor
LG GSA-4160B
Cooler Master 120MM Fans

Several of these devices are migrating from the old PC. Those devices taht don't migrate are being sold to help pay for it. The ability to upgrade to SLI when I need to is available and will be taken advantage of in due time...

This was, beleive it or not, a budget build. Mostly I went with the cheapest of the best. For example, a Dual Core CPU with 1MB of L2 cache that can take almost 1Ghz overclock with no extra voltage? Too good to not buy, trust me. On top of that, I purchased the 7800GT over the 7800GTX, mainly because the GTX was only slightly faster... and well, in teh overclocking spirit I chose the more price conscience option.

I haven't ordered teh RAM yet, mostly because as it stands my funds will be quite low until next week, and by teh end of the month they'll actually be right where they were before I purchased. :D

I'm quite happy I decided to buy this instead of a replacement chip... we'll see how she does. :D

This post was edited by Aynjell on Jan 06, 2006.

My new dedicated linux box!

52% | 4

# 40271

Well guys, it finally happened: I upgraded my main PC so many times building a second PC with the leftovers was a reality. Here are the results:

AMD Sempron 64 2500+ (OC's to 2.1Ghz, Zalman CNPS7000-alcu)
Asus K8N-E Deluxe (may get replaced)
512MB Kingston Value RAM
Aspire X-Dreamer case with custom fan grills
160GB Har Drive
Sapphire Radeon 9250 (open source drivers aren't as good as I thought)

Anyway, gentoo x86_64 running smooth. It's nice to finalyl have a dedicated linux machine, as switching back and forth get's painful and fast.

Anyway... yay!

I am beginning to fester with hate. My face is constantly in a frown, and in some cases contorted into a grimace. With a job that takes 12 hours a day out of me (on the days I work), a sister who is running off with a guy that cheats on her and was legally a sex offender when he got her pregnant due to age differences and such, a mother who thinks I'm the fucking devil incarnate, a lack of money, and a ever deteriorating physical condition...

The list goes on and on, but the general point is: I'm not happy with my life, in any way shape or form. Sure, like I said, to a certain degree, due to my hate for myself, I tend to enjoy misery, but man when you want to finally go away, it just sits on you.


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