Aynjell's journal

There are so many things that everyone around me takes for granted, things that are normal for them, things that they have always had, things I lost long ago. These things I may never again find occasion to enjoy, due to follies unspeakable in my younger years. Things I have never known, I have already forgotten, things I fear due to my unhealthy experiences. In short, I have missed, and will miss many things in my life.

How do I cope? I already can't stand to see someone with that which I desire and lack; how do I maintain an emotional homeostasis? There are so many things in life, experiences, values, relationships, and whatnot. They have left a hole where the last six years of my life was. I lost so much, and how do I remain healthy? What the fuck keeps me sane?

It defies explanation, hell even the higher ups knew it.

This deserves explanation, and as all of my freinds, I expect no disrespect. I committed some very violent crimes when I was the age of eleven. Due to my offenses against society, and my family to be more precise, I spent the last six years of my life hopping from group home to group home. I hated my very existence, and I couldn't find a comfort anywhere, aside from indulging in my own evils.

To hide from the shadows in the darkness...

After the state of Nebraska had given up, they pulled out what they considered a big gun. The treatment facility known as YRTC-K, or Youth Rehabilitation and Treatment Center of Kearney Nebraska. The majority of the treatment program, and the employment structure is prison like, but the actual physical facility could pass as a college to the naive. It was by no means confining, but this place was not where anybody would want to call home.

So, during my stay there, I, a completely insane 16 year old, made a miraculous recovery, one that defied explanation. So far, I haven't met a single person with similar background personality and issues to recover, well, as much as I did. The facility I was at, the afore mentioned YRTC-K figured it out before I did. People I did not know, higher ups at the facility, knew my name and would speak to me. They would ask me how I was doing, and knew absolutely nothing about anybody else.

This kid that I became, evolved from some demon possessed child who couldn't explain his ways. He would have to be physically restrained everyday, mostly due to his need for attention, and due to his ferociously attrocious disrespect for the authority at hand, would often recieve injections of thorazine, a particularly potent tranquilizer. Some people lose functionality of parts of their body for periods of time after the administering of said drug.

I hated everyone around me, but I needed somebody, so I cried out. Why didn't anybody care? Nobody knew who I was, all they saw was my anger, and the need to be noticed. So, because the anger was disruptive, they refused to meet my need, and would ignore me, except when unnavoidable, for instance, if I was throwing desks down the hall it dawned on them that there was a kid named James. Very few people actually cared about me, and those who did are my saints...

How did it happen, I didn't think I actively changed, it just.. well.. happened. I can't explain it, and what is worse, I can't explain how I hold it together. I guess I have a good outlet in computers, but why, how...

God, angels, something. Somebody is looking out for me, comforting me. But who?

This post was edited by Aynjell on Nov 17, 2004.

Yeah, I joined Deviant Art the other day, and thanks to the GIMP, which gets mad propz, I am already posting cool stuff. Well I think it's cool. I guess you all will just have to see for yourself.

Call it talent, but I managed to loose all of my friends in one day. I was at the time attempting to become a part of their game design team, when they desided to pick me apart peice by peice. The decided my downsides were all teh sort of thing that rubbed them the wrong way. That was when one of them accused me of lying about my past.
How could he, I never lied to him, and he claimed that my lying to him arroused a deep hatred inside of him for me. How in the world could he come to the conclusion that I had lied to him, I mean, no one else besides my 'best' freind knew the details of what he spoke, which was of my darker past, and neither of them knew enough to even try to come to the conclusion that I had lied, which angers me to the bone.
I can't stand the fact they they, with all of their nerve, called me a social retard, them, one a hermit and the other such a big geek the only place he gets out to is the comic shoppe. If that is not the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is.
Ever since the incedent, I have decided to beat them at the market. To ruin their dreams of producing a best seller. I want to beat them to it, to show them what they gave up. They seemed to think I was worthless, but I will prove I am far from. They will go down.

I don't want to fall into a romantic relationship taht will sweep me (or her) into a world of passion. I just want to find somebody who I can relate to, and confide in when I am sad, and share my joy with when I am happy. I want someone tangible, that feels the same way about me regardless of my geekiness.
I need someone who loves me, not how I look or act, but someone who has found that their spirit is restless without me, and overjoyed around me.
I need someone that will keep me sane. I don't know why but my spirit is crying out for that right now. A lot of my thoughts are revolving that concept, and a beautiful young lady in general, whom I had talked to from time to time, but now has found herself in one of my classes.
I don't know why, but it is tearing me up inside.

Well, I am back in school, learning again, but this time I have a better schedule, which means easier learning. :]
This quarter I am taking Psychology, English Composition, and Operating Systems. Hurrah for me!!!
Well, I guess there is not much else to say, I hope school goes as well as I think it will.

I finally finished my first quarter of college. I enjoyed the fact that I pased all of my classes and pretty much got paid to do so. I am also happy that I got a couple of the grunt classes over with.
Anyway, I got to spend two weeks lazying about, and in doing so I realized I could not go a minute of resting without probing my mind for what I had forgotten to do, when there was nothing to do.
Wow, I am nearing my second week of my vacation, and I am just now winding down, what a quarter...