Babygirls_Babydolls's journal

This is what Lewis Edward Turner replied after I wrote to him.
11/02/2004

Dear Hope,

First and foremost I want to tell you thank you for taking time out to write me. I know it must have been hard for you to write me after what happened.
I want you to know as I write this letter I am not speaking out of anger or arguing, but inturn, I am speaking from my herat with total heart-felt and spiritual remorse.
As with everyone else, Victoria was very dear to me and I miss her more than mer words could ever express. In this letter I am going to expand on some things you wrote in your letter and I will include two poems.
One poem my mother wrote and was published in a book, then one of my own. Again, thank you for writting and expressing your feelings.

As far as your prayer that I would accept Jesus Christ as my Lord ans saviour, your prayer has been answered. When I was younger I always went to church and participated in the services. I was saved and baptised.
I went to church camps sung in the youth choir, and even had a three man group whom sang in differant churches. I thought I was truly a christian.
Then I backslide when I graduated high school. I spent most of my time partying and chasing after women. I thought everyone my age were doing the things I was doing. I had moved to Staesburo, as you may know Statebro
is where Georgia southern university is located. That town is a party town. The alcohol and women are abundant there. With those two main ingrediants came drugs. It seemed the more alcohol and drugs I did the more woman I would get.
I thought I was living the high life. Man was I confused, I was living in sin. I decided I had enough and moved back to waycross to get my life back together.

When I returned to Waycross I found a good paying job and was well on my way to fixing what was wrong in my life. the thing was though, I had not turned back to Christ. It wasn't long before I started partying and I met a girl whom
liked to partake in various drugs. We spent many nights taking ecstasy and doing coke. Then one day I felt I couldn't take no more, so I moved back in with my mother. I stopped doing all drugs and "thought" I was better and decided to move to Atlanta so I
could become that successful person I always wanted to be. Seven days after my arrival to atlanta I started working at M2 in Conyers where I met Tanya, which will come into play later. At that time I was living at my step-sister in Doraville.
She introduced me to the club scene in Atlanta and I got mixed up with Drugs again. Why? Because my flesh was overpowering my spirit because of my lack of Jesus Christ in my life.

When I was at a club in Atlanta I met a guy named Homer whom became a very good friend of mine and we became roomates in Stone Mountain. Homer and I always hung out and partyed together. He was like a father figure to me.
I had never had a steady father in my life so I clung to him. Anything he did I did. I graduated from ecstacy and coccaine to ice (meth). It was nothing for me to spend Five hundred dollars a night on drugs. I was having the time of my life, so I thought.
then reality set in and I needed a change.

By this time Tanya and I had started seeing each other and I was falling in love with her. She was smart, pretty, and seemed to have her life together. we hit it off good, So we moved in together and I vowed to always take care of her and Victoria.
I didn't want to do them like my father did me and hardly ever come around and then "poof" vanish one day. I wanted to give them a good life. I cleaned up and devoted my time to loving them and working to provide them with what they needed and wanted.
Victoria and I spent quite a lot of time together and we grew very close. She even called me daddy. I loved that. I can still hear Tori say, "I love you, daddy!" but it was more like, "I loves shew, daddy!" we use to watch movies together, go to the park, fall asleep on the couch together, and so much more.
I wanted her to have a wonderful childhood. I think about her every hour of everyday. Thinking of the life we would have now if what happened that chilly tragic Christmas Eve would not have happened. I relive that day all the time. My mind will not rest untill
I see her again in heaven along side our Heavenly Father. I bet she is one pretty angel.

You were right when you said that you knew I didn't mean to cause her death. I didn't even mean to hurt her. It was sas the doctors said, a case of shaken baby syndrome. A doctor even said it didn't take much force. It is so hard to tell you about these things, but I know it must be done.
See none of this would have happened if I had God in my life. My spirit would have been calm and I would not have lost it in that split second it took for it to happen. God I know what happened and he is going to give me a chance to share my story with other people to keep something like this from happening
to themselves and thier family. I will even be able to win souls for God. What a blessing that is to be able to take a tragic event in my life and use it to help other people. God is preparing me to do such a thing.

When I arrived at this camp I was a mess. I had tried on several occassions to commit suicide because of the loss of TORI.
I tried to turn to Jesus after that, but I did not give my whole heart. Then I meet a guy named Chris Langley. He talked to me all the time about
God and Jesus. Eventually I started going to the church services. They really worked on my heart. I saw how Chris had so much joy and Love
and i told myself, "LEWIS, that is what you need. You had it before, time to get it again! That is the only way!" So one night at church
Elm street Church of God was there and I rededicated my life. Not because of what the sermon was about. But because of what was on my heart. I needed Jesus!
Since then, I have grown more spiritually than I had in my past 25 years. God made me a teachers aide in the computer class and just recently he has allowed
me to have a position in helping lead praise and worship at our church services. See I didn't come to SMITH STATE PRISION by chance. God sent me here. he knows my heart and what is inside of me. Now he is teaching me how to utilize the gifts he gave me to serve him.
This prision has more church services than any other prision in the state. The Holy Spirit truly dwells here amoungst the inmates and the camp itself. God is doing wonderful things in me now and I love it.
I only wish people will forgive me for what happened. I have forgiven people for the things said about me and if they feel they can't forgive me, that is okay. I still love and forgive them.
That is what God is all about Love and forgivness

Hope I pray that you will learn to forgive me. Then we could grow a Christian friendship. I know that if God can change me from what I use to be then he can change anyone and anything.
He can build bridges where the water use to run rapid.

If you have any questions then feel free to write back. I have much more to say, but this is all God has laid on my heart to write. God bless you and I hope to hear from you soon.

In Christ,
Lewis Turner

Here is a poem my mother wrote:

My Yellow Rose

Oh my yellow rose
I miss you so
The sapphire twinkle of your eyes
The little wrinkle of your nose
To see you smile with a giggle
To hear your voice as if your tickled
As you played who would know?
So full of life we never thought you'd go
A perfect dream that has been lost
The hurt we feel at such a cost
An angel from the day of birth
A gift from god sent to earth
Oh, my yellow rose
I miss you so

Copyright Karen M. Skinner

Here is a poem I wrote for TORI:

-STAY-
By Lewis Turner

I remeber the day
Clearer than a window glass
Feelings left behind
Wish they would go away

You laid there before me
Not a tear in your eye
How I wish it wasn't that way

You could have stayed
But now you've gone away
I'm breaking down
Remebering yesturday

I wanted you to stay
How quick the clouds came
Oh the heavy rain
I wanted you to stay

Your mother has gone away
Never to embrace again
It was an end
To a perfect dream

You were a star
In our eyes
Oh how I'm paying now
A price that can never be paid

You could have stayed
I could try again
It would never be the same
Remebering yesturday

I wanted you to stay
How quick the clouds came
Oh the heavy rain
I wanted you to stay
----------------------------
I will comment in a few days..

How can I discredit him or cause him any more harm? What could I do more devasting to his future? Than what he has done to himself?? I don't guess it would hurt to say His name..His name is Lewis Edward Turner age 24. It has been 2 years and 10 mnths since he did that crime, and killed that precious baby I called mine!! I don't hate the guy or hold a grudge on him.. Its kinda weird I feel called to him.. For 2 years and 6 mnths I have prayed that he would recieve Jesus Christ as his Lord and saviour and be forgiven his sins.. I hate the sin he did the death he caused but its not him I hate though I can't say I am not disappointed and upset with him though.. For as long as I have prayed for Lewis. I have felt as if God has called me to visit him in jail. I am scared to really I am. What would I say? How would I act? Would I curse him out?? Would I cry?? Would I make a fool of myself?? So, I decided to write him a letter.. For 6 months I have pondered what I would write. How could I make my letter touch his heart? I really honestly don't know what I could do or say to him.. Would I say look here you stupid dumb ass your headed straight for hell? Would I say LEWIS why the hell did you do it? Would it really even matter i began wondering one night.. Would it matter to him what I would have to say? I mean he has life behind bars He knows now he did wrong..

Why is it I think so much About this little 2 1/2 year old that I still cal my lil baby angel.. Her name is Victoria Grace Though I called her my TORI GRACE.. Her mother I also often think about. How is she? Does she live at the same place? Does she still talk to Lewis? Does she have another Boyfriend? Will she ever have a baby again? Does she think about the warnings I gave her? Does she feel alone now?? Does she now think that she is better off without My gracey baby?? Is she sad all the time or does she get sad at all?
I also think about Victoria Grandma.. Boy that woman hates me.. When Victorias mom fired me the grandma called all screamin at me.. She said I have seen Lewis play with her she loves him.. Do you know what kinda trouble you are getting yourself into. Little girl you are digging a ditch deeper than what you can get yourself out of..I saw her at out local walmart about 4 months ago..Actually I see her all the time I just decided to say hey how is your daughter..She screamed at me at the top of her lungs in walmart how dare you speak to me. Don't ever talk to me again..She said she had a lawsuit out on me for the way I acted at the gravesite (I had to remind her hey look you weren't even there Good luck on that lawsuit) . Of course all she could say was well don't you think people told me. I really acted no way I felt this child was mine they didn't bellieve she was being abused and 2 mnths later calls me and says Shes dead.. I thought I would never get over the guilt feeling.. After the funeral we went to the grave yard to bury her.. I was crying my tears endlessly flowing all i could think about was how much I loved her.. They were takin her flowers off her casket and then leaving and it killed me I didn't say it loud and I don't think anyone heard But I says They are taking Tori's flowers Tori Loved flowers.. Then i says I watched her for almost 2 years and I don't know any of these people.. She was not even buried yet and I saw her mother leaving and i says a little louder.. You can sit and watch her be abused but you can't watch her be buried.

Okay, anyways enough of that. I finally finished my letter to Lewis. Its not actually a letter because I knew not what to say so I wrote down quite a few verses that came to mind.. I do Hope that he will read it which I believe he will.. What will he think when through reading it? Will he want a relationship with God? He doesn't believe in God as Victorias mother had told me in the past.. I feel this is really what God wants me to do. I just hope I wrote all God wanted me to write. I wonder will he write back. What will he think about my letter?

So here it is

Isaiah 48:16.. Come ye unto me hear ye this, I have not spoken in secret from the beginning, from the time it was, there am I and now the Lord God, and his spirit, hath sent me

La 2:19...Arise cry out in the night in the beginning of the watches pour out thine heart like water before the face of the Lord lift up thine hands toward him for thy young children, that faint for hunger in the top of every street.

Isaiah 5:20...Woe to those who call evil good and good evil who put darkness for light and light for darkness

Psalms 34:4....... I sought the Lord and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears

Ezekial 24:16..... You shall neither mourn nor weep nor shall yourr tears roll down

Ephesians 3:20........ god is able to do above all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us

Colossians 3:23..... Whatever ye do do it heartily as to the Lord and not to men

Hebrews 10:24-25....... Let us consdier one another..Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together

Matthew 18:2... And Jesus called a child unto him and set him in the midst of them

Matthew 18:3.... and said, verily i say unto you except ye be converted and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of Heaven

Matthew 18:4.... Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child the same is greatest in the kingdom of Heaven

Matthew 18:5..... and whosoever shall not recieve the Kingdom of God as a little child shall not enter therin

1 Corinthians 13:11.... when I was a child i spake as a child I understood as a child but then I became a man and put away childish things

2 Timothy 3:15... and that from a child thou has known the holy scriptures which is able to make the wise unto salaton through faith that is in Jesus Christ

Acts 13:10...and said, o full of all subtility and all mischeif thou child of the devil thou enemy o all righteousness wilt thou not cease to pervert the right ways of the Lord

Matthew 5:45... That they may be the children of our father which is in heaven for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good and sendeth rain on the just and te unjust

Matthew 13:38..... The field is the world the good seed are the children of the Kingdom, but the tares are the children of the wicked one.

Mark 10:24....and the disciples were astonished at his words but Jesus answered again and saith unto them children how ard is it to trust in riches to enter the Kingdom o God

Acts 2:39... for the promise is unto you and your children and to all that are after afar off even as many as the Lord our God
shall call

Acts 3:25....Ye are the children of the prophets, and of the covenant which God made with Abraham and in thy seed shall all the Earth be blessed

Romans 8:16-17...The spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit that we are the children of God and if children, heirs, heirs with God, and joint heirs with Christ if so be we suffer with him, that we may also be glorified together

Romans 9:8... That is, they which are the children of the flesh are not the children of God, but the children of God are counted for seed

Galatians 3:26....For ye are children of God through faith in Christ Jesus

Ephesians 2:2-3...Wherein times past ye walked according to the corse of this world, according to the prince of power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience amoung whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lust of our flesh, fufilling the desires of the flesh and of mind, and were by nature the children of wrath even as others

1 John 2:1.. My little children these things I write unto that ye sin not and if any man sin we have an advocate with the father Jesus Christ the righteous

1 John 2:12..I write unto you little children because our sin are forgiven you for his names sake

1 John 2:13... I write unto you fathers because ye have known him from the beginning I write unto you young men because ye have overcome the wicked one I write unto you little children because ye have known the Father

1 John 2 :28... and now, little children abide in him, that when he shall appear, we may have confidence and not be ashamed before him at his coming

1 John 3:7 ...Little children let no man decieve you he that doeth righteous even as he is righteous

1 John 3:18... My little children let us not love in word neither in tongue but in deed and in truth

Deu 28:29....and thou shall grop at noonday as the blind grop in darkness and thou shall not prosper in thy ways and thou shall only be oppressed and spoiled evermore and no man shall save thee

Proverbs 4:19....The way of the wicked is as darkness they know not at what they stumle

ECC 2:14.....The wise mans eyes are in his head but the fool walketh in darkness and I myself perceived also on event happeneth to them all

Isaiah 29:18.... and in that day shall the deaf hear the words of the book and the eyes of the blind shall see out of the obscurity and out of darkness

Isaiah 42:7...To open the blind eyes to bring out the prisioners from the prisions and them that sit in darkness out of the prision house

Isaih 45:3....And I will give thee the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places that thou mayest know that I am the Lord which call thee by name I am the Lord of Israel

Isaiah 45:7...I form the light and create darkness. I make peace and create evil. I the Lord do all these things

Isaiah 49:9....That thou mayest say to the prisioners go forth to them that are in darknes, show yourself they shall feed in the ways and their pastures shall be in all high places

Isaiah 50:10... who is amoung you that feareth the Lord that obeyeth the voice of his servent that walketh in darkness and hath no light? Let him trust in the name of the Lord and stay upon his God.

Isaiah 58:10.... and if they draw out thy soul to the hungry and satisfy the afflicted then shall thy light rise in obscurity and thy darkness be as thy noonday

Joel 2:2... a day of darkness and of gloominess, a day of clouds and of thick darkness as the mornings spread upon the mountains a great people and a strong there hath not been ever the like neither shall be anymore after it even to the years of many generations

Daniel 2:22.. He revealeth the deep and secret things he knoweth what is in darkness and the light dwelleth with them

Joel 2:31... The sun shall be turned into darkness and the moon into blood before the great and terrible day of the Lord come

Amos 4:13...For, lo, he that formeth the mountains and createth the wind and declareth unto man what is his thought that maketh the morning darkness and treadeth upon the high places of the Earth, The Lord, The God of host, is his name

Mic 7:8...Rejoice not against me o mine enemy when I fall I shall arise when I sit in darkness the Lord shall be a light unto me

Matthew 10:27.. What I tell you in darkness, that speak ye in light and what ye hear in the ear preach ye on the housetops

Luke 1:79.... To give light to them that sit in darkness and in the shadow of death to guide our feet in the ways of peace

Romans 13:12... The night is far spent the day is at hand let us therfore cast off the works of darkness and let us put on the armour of light

1 Corinthians 4:5... Therefore judge nothing before the time untill the Lord come who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts, and then shall every man have praise of God

2 Corinthians 4:6.... For God who commanded the light to shine out of the darkness hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of our knowledge of the Glory of od in the face of Jesus Christ

Ephesians 6:12....For we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalites against powers against the rulers of the darkness of this world against spiritual wickedness in high places

Col 1:13... who hath delivered us from the power of darkness and hath translated us into the Kingdom of his dear son

Luke 11:34... The light of the body is the eye therefore when thine eye be single thy whole body is full of light but when thine eye is evil thy whole body is full of darkness

Luke 11:35... Take heed therefore that the light which is in thee be not darkness

Luke 12:3...Therefore whatever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed om housetops

John 1:5...and the light shineth in darkness and darkness comprehended it not

John 3:19... and this is the condemnation the light is come into the world and men loved darkness rather than light because their deeds were evil

John 8:12... Then Jesus again unto them saying I am the light of the world he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness but shall have the light of life

John 12:46 I am come a light unto the world that whosoever believeth on me shall not abide in darkness

Acts 26:18....To open their eys and to turn them from darkness to light and from the power of satan unto God that they may recieve forgiveness of sins and inheritance among them which are sanctified by faith that is in me

1 John 1:5..Then this is the message which we have heard of him and declare unto you that God is light and in him is no darkness at all

1 John 1:6... If we say we have fellowship with him, and we walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth

Jude 1:6... and the angels which kept not their first esate but left their own habitation he hath reserved in everlasting chains under darkness unto judgement of the great day

Jude 1:13...raging waves of the sea foaming out of their own shame wandering stars to whom is reserved the blackness of darkness for ever

Revelations 16:10....and the fifth angel poured out his vial upon the seat of the beast and his kingdom was full of darkness and they gnawed their tongues for pain

Jude 1:4...For their are certain men crept in unawares who were before of old ordained to the condemnation ungodly men turning the grace of God into lasciviousness and denying the only Lord God and our Lord Jesus Christ

John 8:44...Ye are of your father the devil and te lust of your father ye will do.. He was a murderer from the beginning and abode not in the truth because there is no truth in him when he speaketh a lie he speaketh his own for he is a liar and the father of it

Matthew 13:22... He also that recieved seed among the thorns is he that heareth the word and the care of this world and the decietfulness of riches choke the word and he becometh unfruitful

Matthew 13:40... as therefore the tares are gathered and burned in the fire so shall it be the end of this world

Jer 1:5... Before I formed the in the belly I knew thee and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations

John 15:16...Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you and ordained you that ye should go and bring forth fruit and that your fruit should remain that whatsoever ye shall ask of the father in my name he may give you

Romans 13:1.. Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers for there is no power but of God the powers that be ordained of God

1 Corinthians 2:7... But we speak the wisdom of God in a mystery even the hidden wisdom which God ordained before the world unto our glory

1 Corinthians 7:15... but if the unbelieving depart a brother or sister is not in bondage in such cases but God called us unto peace

Romans 16:20... and the God of peace shall bruise satan under your feet shortly The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you

ECC 7:8.. better is a end of a thing than the beginning therefore and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit

2 Peter 1:2... grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord

2 John 1:3 Grace be with you mercy and peace from God the Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ, the son of the Father, in truth and in Love

John 14:27...Peace I leave with you my peace I give unto you not as the world giveth give I unto you , let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid

1 John 2:24...Let that therefore which ye heard from the beginning abide in you, you also shall abide in the son, and in the father

Jer 20:17...Because he slew me not from the womb, or that my mothers might have been my grave, and her womb to always be great with me

John 11:13...howbeit Jesus spoke of his death, but they thought he had spoken of taken a rest in sleep

1 Corinthians 15:51...behold I shew you a mystery we shall not all sleep but we shall all be changed

1 Timothy 4:14... If we believe Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him

Matthew 13:19..When anyone heareth the word of the kingdom and understand it not, then cometh the wicked one and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart this is he which recieved seed by the wayside..

Mark 4:15...And these are the by the wayside, where the word is sown, but ehen they heard satan cometh immediatly, and taketh away the word that was sown in their hearts

Acts 22:14...and he said, the Lord of our fathers hath chosen thee, that thou shouldest know his will, and see that just one,
and shouldest hear the voice of his mouth

I am gonna talk about me. Right now at this point in my life my heart is not where it should be, my heart is focused on me.. Kinda sad if you meditate on that.. So me, I have been bored lately bored with myself.. What am I doing in life?? How could I be doing according to Gods plan? I appear to be a waste of a good space I wake at 6:30 get Dylan ready for school, then put the boy on da bus, I clean house, then I sleep till 2:00, I then wake, shower and get da boy by off the bus at 2:50... Very dull if you ask me.. I need a life really I do.. I have considered working. Boy if you think about it that would be awesome.. My mate has left me the car as we have only one car and I start thinking, what if you get a job and you don't like it... I know you working people must be thinking oh well I hate working to but I do it... I am grateful that I am able to stay at home and am kinda scared of working again... My lil Boy is 9 years old and is in the 4th grade... He is getting older now.. I have taken up several hobbies in the last 2 weeks.. I have kinda slacked off CC3 for awhile... I listen in while online but rarely get on nowadays.. Lately when I go to CC3 it seems Childish to me not really childish but it does not fill me with anything.. I hope all of you understand that I need to learn something and lately i am not.. I just figure I am seeking in the wrong ways.. So, I was telling yall I have started some new hobbies.. I am making a blanket out of yarn.. Its gonna be pretty I tell ya. I have about 4 more purple squares to sew on and I will be done.. Actually I tell ya this isn't a new hobby. I started this blanket about a year ago I have also been reading alot.. i never realized that the arthor Danielle Steele was as good as she is... I have read about 5 of her books lately..I think that she is the first arthor that has made me laugh and cry at a book.. All of her books are mainly written about people being in accidents and stuff...Weird how some arthors are I like V.C Andrews books to. Her books are just about all the same 2... I am just going on and on what other hobbies am I doing? Let me think we got us a pool table. So, I been playin pool alot

If any of you really know or chat with me you know why my name is what it is Babygirls_babydolls... I don't talk about it much but I will today..Since I am talking about me For 10 years I babysat never really enjoying what I did nor any of the 100's of kids that I watched.. I loved my baby I enjoyed being with him and that is why I babysat.. All I ever wanted was a baby and I had him. I just always felt i wanted to keep him more protected and loved than we were as children (not that I was not loved beyond measure)..
In 2001 My mate and I had been together 5 years and had not had a child yet.. We had been trying for a babygirl for about 2 years with no luck at that.... In July I meet a Girl about 19 or 20 years old that needed a babysitter for her 10 month old... The girl looked nice and respectable. She worked for a computer company and drove a nice new car. Her lil girl was a babydoll she had Blonde hair and blue eyes.. In the first 10 mnths of keeping this baby my family fell in love with her... She loved us my son treated her like a little sister and she looked to him as a brother.. My mate loved her so he said I did love her. Her dipar is the only dipear i have ever changed.. When he would take my son off he would also take her.. She talked so well At 20 months she stared saying terrible things... The babies mother kicked the babys father out of thier apartment and moved a boyfriend in.. The baby girl had me convinced she was being abused.. She hated going home. she would scream I want chew Hope ( I want you Hope )
I would lay awake several nights crying and praying for and because of her... I loved her so much i felt in my heart she was my secret little angel.. When I looked at her I felt she looked into my soul... I told the babys mom I felt like this new boyfriend was being abusive to the baby... This continued with my crying till she turned 25 mnths about 5 months Then I confronted her mother again..I says look i have talked with you before she is saying weird things about your boyfriend and now she is having bad marks all over her.. I believe he is abusing her...She says Hope I am quitting my job I am staying hope with Victoria and I am gonna see what happens i can't stand the thought of you thinking i am abusing her...I cried to her please DO NOT LEAVE HER WITH HIM... 2 Months later on Christmas night i get a call from the little girls mom.. She says, "Hope Victorias dead" I didn't believe her she just said It so calm Victorias dead..i says are you serious she says yes Victoria passed away at 11:45 this morning but I really believe she died the day before that.. I said what happened she says she had abrain tumor and died....I started crying and she says i just figured victoria would want you to know and then she invited me to her funeral... I was crushed my baby was dead i knew in my heart when she told me that she died of a brain tumor that she lied... He killed her the moms boyfriend.. On the way to the funeral we stop at the gas station and as you walk in the doors the newspaper sits glarring at you... Man Suspected Of Murder and my babys picture posted on headlines...

One day when I have another good long time to type I will tell you how I overcome the pain of losing her... But we are back to talking about my hobbies... I have felt for years he is the one God chosen me to talk to (the one that killed the baby..he is in jail) I have never really known what to say to him and it has been almost 2 years since her death... I never really hated this guy... I just have always been pulled toward contacting him.. He is in Jail by the way (sentenced 14 yrs to life). I have prayed every night for him in my prayers.. This family touched me though they hate me now (trust me they do i saw the grandma at the store Though I told her also he was abusing her). I pray that he accepts Jesus as his Lord and Saviour and that he would call upon him for his needs... yesturday I come up with it.. I am on page 20 now thats alot Its kinda like a letter. actually it is a letter but it is composed of nothing but Bible Verses.. It felt good and right doing that..because I never knew what to say to him or approach him though I feel God calling me to do it

Well anyway thats what I been doing I will try to spell check but who knows

LOVE YALL
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~ Babygirls_babydolls ~

Inside the Heart the mouth is restrained.
Evil and saddeness lurking within the brain.

The Hope of Joy is with me Still.
I long for the peace that I once knew so well.

Being locked within the bounds of the mind.
There you look and sadness you will find.

To feel the loss of a spirit breaking.
The thoughts remain as flesh it seems.
Thinking how will today end and what will tommorrow bring.

Will I ever be as close to you as I once was before?
To hear the voice and to hear no more it has me aching for so much more.

Within a valley a sea a shore.
I beg of you Lord to come once more.

To have a family at home and to feel so alone.
Please God don't let me do this on my own.

Hold my hand and walk with me.
Lead me to the peace that I use to see.

Give me the wisdom and help me understand.
Why is it me that you put forth in this land?

Lord put the thoughts back into me
The thoughts that brought you to me.

I use to think God you are really in me.
I see what you want but I see you no more.
I know you haven't left your inside and waiting for me to put this flesh to an end!

The days of old many I have told.
Back then in you I spoke very bold.
It was you who spoke to me and the whole world I woulda told.
Had it not been for the evil that lives within the soul.

The thoughts of man in me you find.
In the Lord I have fell behind.
Come Lord let my heart be where you reside.
For you know my heart and whats inside.
The is nothing that I can hide.

Lead me to the place I once knew.
Where the waters are calm and crystal blue.
Back to where my hearts thoughts are always with you.

Yeild to the spirit.
Yeild to the mind
yield to the wisdom that you shall find.
Yeild to the fact that he loves you and wouldn't leave you blue.
Oh yes believe me its true!

Its all because of me.
This is not how its suppose to be.

Learn your thoughts and learn em well before you run to hell!

He waits, He watches and he speaks.
The Bible says to worship think and to be meek.

I believe therefore if I fix my mind
I shall not be left behind.
Look at me I am the soul you shall find

My friend came over about 2 months ago. She brought her 2 little girls. One of the girls is about 6 mnths away from being 2.
~Anyaways~

I have a coffee table in the middle of my living room.. I have several candles and 2 figurines sitting on it.. One is a small lil boy holding a teddy bear and the other is a lil girl holding a teddy bear.. I think my figurines are adorable.. My friends baby girl loves the Dolls 2..When she came over she toted them around for ever all throughout the house..
When she left I couldn't find my Little boy doll.. I searched up and down for the thing for about 4 weeks and could not find it.. Everytime my friend brought her lil girl over I would say Kelsey baby where is Hopes lil boy..Then I would point to the lil girl doll and say, "Look she is missing her friend."

After about 4 weeks I was cleaning behing the entertainment center and stuffed under it was my doll broke in 2 pieces.. The doll really meant nothing to me.. I just thougt they were cute. I think I bout them at the local Dollar Tree store..You know where everythings a dollar (LOL) .. When i located my doll I imediatly realize my 9 year old son had to had broke an thrown it that far back behind the entertainment center..

~Back To The Story~

About a month after I found the doll my friend came to me with a shocked look on her face.. She says Hope here, and handed me the doll I had thrown away..I said SHELLEY did you buy me a new one?? She said No Hope. Kelsey brought it to me... I was like Shelley the doll broke I threw it away.. She said I know I remeber you telling me thats why I told mom you were gonna be shocked and wouldn't believe it!! She said that her 9 year old was playing with her Clifford riding toy and the doll was in the seat of it...

I was amazed because of the way she acted I knew this was not something she had bought.. I was telling my mom about it cause she was here the day I found it under the entertainment center broke... She was saying I bet Shelley bought a new one because she remebered it.. Immediatly afterward I was then just sitting on my sofa and got to thinking
about myself as a fish (lol). The water felt so good on me and my mind all the sudden started reciting this poem.. I am not sure if I read it somewhere or if my mind made it up..I mean it was like I was reciting from memory..

The Poem:
Angels presence always near
Guide me safe to waters clear
lead me not the enemies way
Guide me safe throughout the day!!

I quit reciting this poem that was going over and over through my head and looked at mom and said You know what.. That Lil Girl Doll everytime I look at her she reminds me of Victoria (was 2 yr old that died). She said Everytime I look at her I think of victoria to.. The doll to me reminds me of an angel looking at me..

I dunno I just thought this was cool!!
But now that I read it it sounds BLAH!

First thing I need to say is I am from Atlanta Georgia. I have never been further than Flordia. Which happens to be the state closest to Georgia.

I had to tell yall that, because I wanna tell you about the first vision I ever had.. At the time I didn't know what to call it.. It was weird to me, because I didnt know what exactally it was...

I was babysitting three 2 year olds, and 1 four year old.. At the time I was vacuming the living room. I was in a state where lately all I could do was think about the things of God..Hard to explain...I have learned when my thoughts are in that wondering of God state of mind..I will have more visions, dreams, and such... Its like I am absourbed I can't think about anything else but God day and night..

Anyways The kids were in the toy room.. I was vacuming my thoughts upon God.

Not sure where I was...It looked like a desert.. The sand was a real reddish tint.. There was nothing in site for miles away.. I was traveling by camel.. To where I am not sure... It is night. We were guided by a bright blushish white star light..
I was wearing a white robe. I had a white turban like thing on my head. It was tied with a gold peice that went around it.. There was a man that was walking beside me.. He was dresssed in the same type clothes that I was wearing... He was very dissappointed in me...I never saw his face but I knew his thoughts...He was mad because he did not think I should be riding the camel, but walking beside him..
We ended up at this tarp like tent..It was tarp all the way around..The tent made one very large room.. There were several people sitting on wooden benches in this tent... There was also a stage area..I was standing on this stage just preaching my heart out...It was like the words were in me and the just rolled out..I am not sure what I was saying, but all of the people were listening...

When i come out of the vision. I was still vacumming..The 4 kids had come in the living room and were standing around me just staring at me...

For a very long time I did not know what this meant or what to call it. I One day in the CC3 chat room. I was typing this vision out to the room. I pretty much started the same way I did this entry... All of the sudden it came to me while writting the vision... I had it I was walking with God..I didn't see his face but I knew his words (thoughts). Its like just like now. We don't see his face but we hear his voice.. He was mad because I was riding not walking..God wants us to walk with him..

The second part of my vision..Where we come to enter in the tarp...That I still am not sure about..

Till next time
~ Smile ~

Latley I have been wondering. What happens when I go into those trances and have visions.. Do I shake all over.. Do I talk out loud...Or Do I have my eyes open or closed..I just wonder because those kids were staring at me sommething funny..They were in the toy room..