Babygirls_Babydolls's journal

I look from my first entry all the way to my last..
I think I need to start in the beginning again. You know right after I introduced myself. I have not at all put things in order.. I guess I just wrote what was on my mind that day.

About 3 years ago My boyfriend, my son and I were living in these apartments... Our lease had ran out, and we had to go on a month to month lease ($75 etra dollars a month), or do another years lease... Christmas was in a few weeks. We had no gifts, bills were behind, we needed to move, and I was out of work..

My boyfriend worked late at night (3rd shift.) My lil boy was asleep, and I was all alone.. I was really depressed and was certainly wondering what we were going to do... I just felt like we were on the verge of loosing everything..I was just gonna go to bed and cry myself to sleep...

Before falling asleep I knelt down on the Air mattress ( our bed at the time.) And I prayed I ask God to help me and to guide and lead me in the right direction..I told him Lord I know you are real and we need your help. I said, " Lord we can't do this anymore. We are failing please come in and help."
All of the sudden it seemed I was frozen there. Kneeling and starring into the bathroom and God said, " Lo, be the Lamb of the Lord, Seek and ye shall find."

I bout flipped out.. I was so happy. For years I had always thought my grandmother was just overly religious. When she would say, God told her this or that. I would think her crazy.I had heard God spoke to people. But I believed there was a God and he never said anything to me..

So, this was the day I really started to believe God was real..Cause ya know I didn't make that saying Lo, be the Lamb of the Lord up..
I knew it wasn't in my head as people say..

I immediatly got up and searched the internet..On one of those bible keyword searches...No where in the Bible did I see that phrase...I did see that Jesus is the Lamb of God..

The very next day..
I went riding the roads as I normally did looking for a house..
I drove forever..Then I thought of what God said Lo, be the lamb of the Lord, seek and ye shall find...
I looked and there was a for rent sign... That was so awesome to me.. I rode around the whole day doing this. I would get frustrated and say..Lo, be the Lamb of the Lord, Seek and ye shall find... I would look and there a house would be..

We moved about a week later..

The date was August 12, 2002..It was my brothers 20th birthday.. He had been driving down the road on a motorcycle and it flipped... He was taken to the hospital... My mother was freaking out. She said hes gonna be a vegtable...He did look terrible... With Blood and sores everywhere on him.

That night as I lay in bed.... I thought to myself Hope if you just ask God he will do it.. I just got that instant feeling..You know the one something is very wrong. Someone needs to help.. I just knew.. It was like an alarm sounding...

I prayed Lord, Help my brother, heal him. Lord, please touch him. Let him feel you reaveal yourself to him and let him be healed...

!!!!!! My brother at the time claimed himself athesiet!!!!!

The next day my brother came to my house to visit.. He looked so much better.. He looked nothing like he did at the Hospital. He was actually peeling the scabes off his sores..
He told me, " Hope, lastnight I was laying in bed and a Ghost touched me." He said, " Everyone was in bed and I was laying there and I felt something rub its hands up my right side of my body all the way from my toes to my head." He said he put his head under the covers and it stopped..

I just thought that was pretty cool...I just wonder why my brother was so scared...People have explained and told me that it is like prodigal son in the Bible.

Been a good while since I have written.. I need not let this Diary go to waste..
About a year and a half ago to 2 yrs ago I had a vision of what death was like...I do think about that vision frequently..Espeacially when I think of that babygirl that was Murdered, or when a death arises and such.. It comforts me..

Last month I prayed Lord is that all there is to dying? Help me to understand, and Guide me Lord.. I had a dream one of those nights I prayed that....

In my dream I was in the sky...

I'll explain it like this..... I was looking upward but straight in front of me into the sky... The clouds were very bright kinda like a light was in them they opened in the middle... It was like they seperated like a stage curtain would...
The color was not like the colors we see with our eyes.. The color was like looking at a reflection in the water.. There were big hugecastle like mansions... Each Castle had a large Gate in front of it.. I had to look through the gates to see inside... The castles appeared to rotate...Almost like the earth rotates around other planets.. But the Castles were in the clouds..right in the center middle of the clouds.....Almost like the clouds where created around them.. It appeared the castles were on a something that spins. I was shown one castle one gate at a time then it would spin/rotate to the next castle and Gate...
This is a fairly new dream...So I consider and pray over that.. I have had visions where it took a year to understand the meaning...

If you have been reading my entries...I am writting about what I learned that night I read the bible.. I am posting some verses I compared to that dream..

Job 38: [14] It is turned as clay to the seal; and they stand as a garment.
[15] And from the wicked their light is withholden, and the high arm shall be broken.
[16] Hast thou entered into the springs of the sea? or hast thou walked in the search of the depth?
[17] Have the gates of death been opened unto thee? or hast thou seen the doors of the shadow of death?
[18] Hast thou perceived the breadth of the earth? declare if thou knowest it all.
[19] Where is the way where light dwelleth? and as for darkness, where is the place thereof,
[20] That thou shouldest take it to the bound thereof, and that thou shouldest know the paths to the house thereof?

Job 40:
[14] Hearken unto this, O Job: stand still, and consider the wondrous works of God.
[15] Dost thou know when God disposed them, and caused the light of his cloud to shine?
[16] Dost thou know the balancings of the clouds, the wondrous works of him which is perfect in knowledge?
[17] How thy garments are warm, when he quieteth the earth by the south wind?
[18] Hast thou with him spread out the sky, which is strong, and as a molten looking glass?
[19] Teach us what we shall say unto him; for we cannot order our speech by reason of darkness.
[20] Shall it be told him that I speak? if a man speak, surely he shall be swallowed up.
[21] And now men see not the bright light which is in the clouds: but the wind passeth, and cleanseth them.

I am continuing from my last Entry.. One night I was reading the Bible and Discovered 3 of the exact things I had already seen....

This is like something I will have to explain in more than one Journal entry..
About 3 years ago I was considering the fact that reincarnation might be of some truth. I got on the internet and searched out Meditations for past life.. I thought what I was reading was crazy. It was talking about history and all of the past Gods we could pray to, and what this was the God of ( Such as confusious, and the sun god etc)....

The Site made me feel uneasy. So, that night when I was in bed I prayed. That My father in heaven, My Lord Jesus Christ would reveal to me What, and were I was before I was born...I was very serious about this...It was consuming all my thoughts.

I had a vision while awake in bed.. What I saw was myself.. Kinda strange I didn't have a body.. I was something though.
I could see so I musta had eyes.. I was at the bottom of a shape. I am not sure what shape it was kinda like a rectangle with curves...
I Just kinda floated kinda in the dark at the bottom of this retangle..I could hear 2 male sounding voices toward the right side of the Rectangle. I could not see them because they were not in the rectangle.
When I looked above me I saw a bright Bluish light.. I was comfortable with this light.. I knew if the light were not there I could not see. I knew if the light was not there I would die, because the light feed me and took care of me...

For a reason or 2 I believe when we die this is the first stage of death we enter..

Without going all into detail I use to babysit a lil girl..I kept her close to 2ys.. I was very close to her..I thought of her as my baby girl, and my family totally adored her.. I had reason to believe her mothers boyfriend was abusing this baby..

So, I spoke with the babygirls Mom. The mothers friend, the mothers friends mother, I spoke to the grandmother, and the father.. I was fired Her reason being was that she couldn't stand the thought of me thinking she was abusing her..

Christmas night I Got a phone call From the baby's mom..This was 2 months after they fired me. She told me the lil girl had died..She was 2 yrs old... This hurt me so badly because I thought I did what was right and she TOTALLY WAS MY LIL BABY GIRL...

Febuary 2003 I had a dream I was in this garden playing ball with 2 lil girls. When the lil blonde girl looked at me I noticed it was My babygirl.. I said to her Victoria I thought you died.. She said I did. I'm back now Hope..

That flipped me out it was so real.. I was laying in bed one night thinking about that dream and all the sudden. I saw this large field all I could see for miles ahead was green field..It appeared to have dew on the grass... Beside my families field was another family of about 10. They all sat eating at a table..
Each family had thier own section of field..I am refering to family as aunts uncles grandparents and such.. To the left of me I saw the garden the lil girl appeared in.. Past the flowers in the garden to the very back was were I was... I believe once we enter into the light we come into this garden..

I don't believe this is all to heaven because I had another dream about a month ago..I will try to write about it next...

I have been posting Bible verse about what I found that night I read the bible..

I do want to continue this same topic on my next entry

Job 40: [17] Have the gates of death been opened unto thee? or hast thou seen the doors of the shadow of death?
[18] Hast thou perceived the breadth of the earth? declare if thou knowest it all.
[19] Where is the way where light dwelleth? and as for darkness, where is the place thereof,
[20] That thou shouldest take it to the bound thereof, and that thou shouldest know the paths to the house thereof?

till next time::

Lets start this entry by saying, " How Does this website work? What kinda website is this anyway." So, Mel-Mel I will space the paragraphs for ya (Smiles at Mel).

I am going to continue from my last post... I was telling how I hear Music in the night. I Was discussing this with someone In CC3. When I got off the internet I started reading the Bible and posted a few verses that I had found...I said that there was more I discovered that same very night..

I will begin by saying.. I was laying in bed one night listening to the singing and it brought me to prayer...
When I was through saying my prayer immediatly afterwards I had a vision... This was not my first vision so therfore I knew what to call it...
What I saw was very weird..

The first thing showed to me was the body of what looked like a black horse.. I am not sure what the body was of..It was very strong looking. His lower stomach and upper legs looked very muscular. It poked out with strength..Whatever it was it appeared as a fast runner or a very worked out animal..

I was brought up to the face of this body. It was the face of a man.. He looked very old, unhappy, and very strong around his eyes.. He had white hair and bushy white eyebrows. His teeth did not look like teeth...It looked like a gold sword. They were thick, real straight, long and they were pointed on the ends.. His teeth looked like a iron sword sharp on both sides...There were two teeth...One on each side of his mouth...

The same day I found the verses about the music in the night.
I continued reading and here is what I read...
:::Keep in mind this happend in the summer of 2001..

JOB Chapter 39
[5] Who hath sent out the wild ass free? or who hath loosed the bands of the wild ass?
[6] Whose house I have made the wilderness, and the barren land his dwellings.
[7] He scorneth the multitude of the city, neither regardeth he the crying of the driver.
[22] He mocketh at fear, and is not affrighted; neither turneth he back from the sword.
[24] He swalloweth the ground with fierceness and rage: neither believeth he that it is the sound of the trumpet.
[25] He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha; and he smelleth the battle afar off, the thunder of the captains, and the shouting

JOB Chapter 40

{7} Gird up thy loins now like a man: I will demand of thee, and declare thou unto me
[15] Behold now behemoth, which I made with thee; he eateth grass as an ox. (BEHEMOTH IS A LARGE GIANT LIKE.. IN DICTONARY)
[16] Lo now, his strength is in his loins, and his force is in the navel of his belly. (I think this is the area I saw the strong muscle)
[17] He moveth his tail like a cedar: the sinews of his stones are wrapped together.
[18] His bones are as strong pieces of brass; his bones are like bars of iron.
[19] He is the chief of the ways of God: he that made him can make his sword to approach unto him.
[20] Surely the mountains bring him forth food, where all the beasts of the field play.
[21] He lieth under the shady trees, in the covert of the reed, and fens.
[22] The shady trees cover him with their shadow; the willows of the brook compass him about

Job Chapter 41

12] I will not conceal his parts, nor his power, nor his comely proportion.
[13] Who can discover the face of his garment? or who can come to him with his double bridle?
[14] Who can open the doors of his face? his teeth are terrible
[24] His heart is as firm as a stone; yea, as hard as a piece of the nether millstone
25] When he raiseth up himself, the mighty are afraid: by reason of breakings they purify themselves.
[26] The sword of him that layeth at him cannot hold: the spear, the dart, nor the habergeon.
[27] He esteemeth iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood.
[28] The arrow cannot make him flee: slingstones are turned with him into stubble.
[29] Darts are counted as stubble: he laugheth at the shaking of a spear
[32] He maketh a path to shine after him; one would think the deep to be hoary.
[33] Upon earth there is not his like, who is made without fear.
[34] He beholdeth all high things: he is a king over all the children of pride.

Job Chapter 42

{4] Hear, I beseech thee, and I will speak: I will demand of thee, and declare thou unto me.
[5] I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee.

Wow!! I read the Bible verses again and I must say that has to be what I saw... I use to think it was the horses of revelation that I saw...Its not though...

I have more to add actually one more entry about tings I discovered that day last week when I read the bible..

Untill next time

2003-11-09 - 2:27 a.m.

I am not exactally sure what to say. I guess one thing has been on my mind. People often think I am hallucenating when I tell them that. At night I hear Angels from heaven singing.. I call it Angels cause what else could it be? It only happens at night. This started about 2 years ago. At first I heard faint noises of instruments but didn't hear it very clearly. Believe me as I have been told before. It is probably a t.v or something maybe a fan or radio.. It was not a radio or t.v frequency of any sort.. Believe me...At first I was thinking the same thing because I could barely hear it at first...As months went on I could really hear it better..The music was becoming clearer to me...This happened every night only as a lay in bed..It really stunned me at first cause it sound like it came from outside (I opened the outside door it was not there.) So, I laid back in my bed one night after looking outside and I heard the music loud and clear again..It is beautiful music like Pianos Harps and a voice of a thousand singers.. It is like a music that sings to your ever living soul.. To finish my story I looked outside, and heard nothing. When I got back in bed I started hearing the music again..I sat up and I am hearing such lovely music..So I get out of bed real scared thinking someone must be under the house...I put my ear to the floor and I heard nothing.. As months passed the music and the voice was as to me if a frequency was placed in my ear.. I hear it like the music is above me loud as if it a song living with me.. I have asked several friends of mine in CC3 chat about it... They probably think I am crazy.. None of them has heard of such a thing they say.. I have noticed that the music is with me as I totally Have my thoughts on the things of God.. When my mind starts to stray away from God and I stop concentrating on God the music will go away.. For 2 years this has been going on.. Never knowing what to think.. Though I do love the music it soothes me. I am not hearing but a faint sound of the music again.. My thoughts are starting to arise. My emotions are always filled and are on God Lately Nothing more...I just wanna say the music is starting to fill my bed again at night.. So, the other day I just opened the Bible and started reading.. Guess what I read!!! it was like wow to see it since no one else has heard the music nor can explain it...Keep in mind that it has been 2 yrs that I have been hearing this music off and on.. Job chapter 35: 10-14....[10] But none saith, Where is God my maker, who giveth songs in the night;[11] Who teacheth us more than the beasts of the earth, and maketh us wiser than the fowls of heaven?[12] There they cry, but none giveth answer, because of the pride of evil men.[13] Surely God will not hear vanity, neither will the Almighty regard it.[14] Although thou sayest thou shalt not see him, yet judgment is before him; therefore trust thou in him. This Totally amazed me. I got off the internet the other day. I was in Cc3 chatting about the Music I hear at night. When I left CC3 I went and just opened the Bible it fell open to that verse...Wow I say just wow!! There is more to my Journal entry about what I read in the bible the other night. I will continue to write in this Journal..I want to talk about all Thats happened and how it relates to what I read that night. I will continue on the next page..