CarmenProfit's journal

Thursday, January 24, 2008.
Today my two year old has learned how to open bathroomdoors. got a hold of a razer, thanking he can shave. testing me on how far he can push me. Sleep eludes me everynight with gripping fear of something going wrong. I know I'm a good mother, but sometimes I just want to pool my hair out by clumps, but I know that I have to stay calm at all times but he makes it so hard with tampers, headbutting, throwing things, not wanting to eat, and touching things that can hurt him I just don't know what to do and I'm loosing my grip on everything around me. So what do I do?????

Saturday, January 26, 2008
Today I went to help my husband with the business that we own, putting computers, and cambnets togeather, it was not hard, just pain stackingly long. I have kept thinking about my son all day, and remembering what had happened yesterday, my roommate had threatened him with a hammer, and her fist, while everyone did nothing then she through him on the chair hitting his face on the arm rest spanking him. She makes him sit in the middle of the floor not allowing him be himself. I want to do her the way she does my son, but until I can move out of here their is not much I can do. I plead with my husband to let me go to my fathers for a week, but he refuse's to let us go that far just incase something might happen to us. I try to tell him that he can't let us know what she is doing to him, or how it makes him feel but he does not deserve how she treats him.
Know I know why she has lost her children herself the truth is finaly comming out in the end, and I don't know what to do to make her stop, but I am beyond my breaking point like a mother bear whose cub may be in danger. I don't know what to do anymore, but I fear for him for as long as I live here their is nothing I can do, she acts like his her son, but his not..... his mine. I tried to tell my husband but his right I can't keep saying the samething over, and over about it I just got to keep the faith, and I don't thank I have much more left.

Sunday, January 27, 2008
I know when people read this what they are probly thinking, one this is not my computer it's hers. Two I have tried but their is no place for us to go, I have no family. Third my husband and I have gone through a lot of bad things, and it looks like it will be over really soon because if everything goies the way were hoping it does we will have our own home by the end of this month. As for our roommate, when I do leave I will be call the cops on her to let them no what is going on what she has done to me, and mine, we do get this home she shows up I will have the police their to take her away so that she would never beable to hurt me again, or my son. I think talking to my husband he is going to probly send us to one of his realtives that leaves perty close by which would be fine with me if he can get a hold of someone which he had started to try in do so today, I know when I get out of here everything will go back to the way it use to.... She has threatened me, It's almost over, and my son, and I will be out of here soon very soon I know God is working out. And I am studing to get my Ged, and a college degree. In the maen time I do what I can to keep him out of danger, but I have no were to turn for I don't know anyone hear but my husband.

This post was edited by CarmenProfit on Jan 27, 2008.

Wednesday 23 at 2:00 in the morning I woke up screaming bloody murder. The night mare was awful. In the dream my husband and I had taken my son to a arcade room then we went home I had laid him down to sleep, and I had laid with him in the dream. but it was not me it was like I was seeing through someone elses eyes. In the dream I had tried to kill my son with a butcher knife. cutting his through three times, and stabbing him in the chest twice. He got up running around getting blood everywere, their was blood all over my hands. My husband woke me up from this nightmare finding me in the fetile position shacking, and craddling myself, and my son. I know it was just a night mare but my nightmares are getting worse. My husband thanks that it has to be from the stress of my past, and the stress with what is going on right now. In my life, and knowing that I have to protect my son from danger, and feeling like I'm not doing my job. those are good, answer, but it's like I told my husband I think that it's because I feel helpless in not being able to protect him always, and he is growing up so fast. I don't know what to do.

Friday, January 25, 2008.
I'm so glade I have not had any nightmares in the past two nights, but like my room mate has side it could the stress is starting to get to me, and the more I think about it I believe she is right. I guess not having my own home, having a business to help run, a two year old run a muck every single day all day long. The stress of living in a new place, having roommates wich means four grown adults, and a two year old, two dogs, two birds in a two bedroom trailer is more then enough for a person to lose their minds, and have nightmares, and stress out with the slitest problem that could go wrong. Every one walking on egg shell's not knowing if someone is going to snap or not.
I find myself closing myself into myself not telling anyone how I feel in the fear of told that I have nothing to stress about even though I have more then they know. I find that when I'm around my room mates I find that my mind startes to roam, and I try to ignore what they have to say to me for have the time, my family, and I are getting blamed for everything, and I keep telling my husband I want to find home, and a place to run the business, but he keeps liying to me to were I want to take my son, and leave him, but I can't I have no were to go I'm stuck in bum-f***-egypt of all places Lord help this lonely heart.

This post was edited by CarmenProfit on Jan 26, 2008.