Deimos's journal

Basically, Ive said on here before that both my sins and vices are many and varied, and generally for other people at least, are entertaining. I also said that I was thinking of getting a website. That plan is now in action, so hopefully if my brother moves quickly I will shortly be posting under the domain of Onemandisaster.com.

As a vague example of the typical hilarity of my life, I'll entertain you with a short story from.. well, just this past weekend in fact.

I went home over easter from university in oxford, and as you do, a lot of your old friends hear on the grapevine that you're back in town and bombard you with calls saying "TO THE PUB!". I did this several times, but the one this story is about is one from a girl called Cassie. I've always been fond of her, but we've fallen out of contact and it took me a few seconds to place the voice on the other end of the phone. I laugh, say hi, arrange to go out that night for a few.

We sat talking and drinking for ages, me at my usual pace, and Cassie doing her best to keep up. By the end of the night, im fairly wrecked but Cassie is absolutely mashed. I cant leave her like that, and I pick her up and I take her home, a walk of about a mile. On the way Cassie sobers up a bit, by means of throwing up, turns to me and quite insistently states that she wants to take me home. In fact, she cant even wait to get home, dragging me onto several grass banks and mashing her lips on mine. Like I said, Ive liked her for ages, and Im single, shes single, my thoughts were that this could be fun.

So.

We get to hers, and she leads me upstairs, and we have some fun. Im not going to bore you with all that who-did-what-to-who stuff, but I shall say that it really is the quiet ones you have to watch out for. Of particular note is that she demanded for me to come on her face. And I obliged.

Next morning, we wake, roll over, smile and say hey. Then her eyes slam open and she says to me "Oh my god, Chris, I have to get you out of here. My parents are going to walk in here at any minute to wake me up and go to church!"

Suitably warned, I leap out of bed as quickly as I can manage becuase with the amount I drink, I wake up still drunk. WE then do the stereotype creeping down the stairs and out the door thing. Time goes by.

I get a message a few days later saying that shes having a big birthday party and she wants me to be there.I say that I'll be there for sure. I thought we connected very well, in number of meanings, and I gave some thought to how a relationship could work. I figure Ill buy her a nice gift to show im interested, and see how things go. So I buy a fairly nice necklace (although not a pearl one. But that would have been hilarious) and take the train back home.

Of course,I get to the party and theres barely anyone I know around. I mean, for real. These guys are all the year below me, at a different school, and whilst I can put names to faces I cant really just wander up to someone and say "Hi! I know who you are but you dont know me at all. How are you doing?" Eventually someone I know turns up, his younger sister is a friend of Cassie and he was bored and wanted to see what the party would be like instead of his sister making shit up. Me and him get cracking on the beer because we're in the same situation, and any situation like that is generally helped by alcohol.

Cassie turns up, looking great. I wander on over to her after buying another beer, and give her the gift.

"Hi! Im really glad you could come...ooooh! Whats this?"

"Its your present. I know your actual birthday was ages ago but I thought it would be a bit shitty if i didnt have something to give you."

"Its beautiful! I love green!" (Note: Was a malachite necklace.)

"I would have gotten a pearl necklace, but I figure ive given you one already."

At this point, she starts laughing but theres a movement in her eye and her expression does...well. I guess a tic.

"There you are! Come and get a drink!" a six foot curly haired muppet who puts his arm around his shoulder. Hes been here as long as I have, and i think he was trying to keep pace with me. I recognise him from school, but didnt know I had a fan club. Basically, hes mashed.

"Who is this?" I ask, pointedly. Fortunately, Long Haired Muppet misses it.

"This is Alex. My boyfriend." Her eyes flare slightly at this point. Fortunately I'm well versed at this kind of thing, so without skipping a beat I put my hand out to him.

"Hey. Im chris. Professional engineer, amateur alcoholic. I've heard a bit about you. Miss Clarkson still a complete milf?"

In my head I can hear rapturous applause, but Cassies standing there with a look of shock on her face. Whatever she was expecting, this certainly wasnt it. In my ears I'm hearing stifled laughter. Phill, the friend of mine from earlier, is listening, knows exactly what went on, and is struggling to keep from busting a rib.

"Yeah. Totally. Her tits have got even bigger, and shes going to have another child at some point this year. I'm gonna go get another drink, you want anything?" He says this last bit to Cassie, who nods, and he goes off.

"How long have you guys been going out for?"

"About four months. Please for the love of god dont tell anyone."

"Well, Phill knows, but thats it."

"Right. Right. Well, thank you for the gift, I'll go and put it with the others."

"Believe me, Im going to get all the thanks I need whenever I see him kiss you on the cheek."

Cassie narrows her eyes, but doesnt say anything as a couple of friends are swooping down on her. I return back to Phill and grab my beer.

"Nicely played."

"I know. I would give lessons, but its basically just sheer bloody awkward experience." I take a swig and sit back in my chair. Phill mulls it over a bit before answering.

"Sounds like fun."

"Oh, it is. You have no idea."