Disposable_Fishspastic's journal

Hey, thought id give this journal lark a go, say whats going on in my life. I never know what to write in a journal, nothing real exciting happening in my life that will interest the netalive level of intelligence really, ill just write a quick unelaborated snapshot of my life.

I been really busy workwise lately, (hardly had a chance to read any posts here)throwing good money into an idea which i keep thinking will bloom, feeling like im never quite caught up with what i need to do.
I think im suffering from "ill do it tomorrow" syndrome, getting my life in order alone at night and doing the same old stuff the day after. Take tonight for example, working on ideas and computer programs all night putting bed time back an hour everytime i reach it.

To be honest, i hate working, but i need to pay my way, i want self-sufficiency in my life, i always screw jobs up after a few months because i get sick of it, im not lazy but i hate 9-5.
I know working is more than just benificial finacially but i have more social interaction outside of work with people i like, i hate being broke, but depression motivates, i been struggling, wish i could get a head-start.

I just met a girl recently, the last thing on my mind was hooking up with anyone, my minds been pre-occupied with other crap, plus i cant afford one :-)
I think she likes me but then i think she dont, she came round last weekend two nights in a row, and when i think about the facts of how she acts around me i think its obvious she must be interested but when were together we just seem to chill, but its all good.

If youve been taken advantage off it can be hard at the start of a realationship, because when i look back and see how stupid i was failing to recognise what was going on, its like my vision was clouded in a previous realationship and im dissapointed at myself for thinking things the way i did, its like this time i got that knowledge and i dont want it to happen again, but when this girls flirting or were having fun, i almost dont want to show emotion too much early on, dont know weahter thats right or wrong, maybe i should just go for it.

Shes the prettiest girl i ever had on my case, see, thats another view i have on the world, people are judged on how they look a higher percent of the time, its sad but true, wheter you get the job or the girl e.T.C
maybe thats why im thinking about her so much, shes gorgeous, sweet, but shes not intelligent, i wish i had an off/on switch hooked up to my emotions so i couldnt be duped by noones evil plan 'see now im just being bitter' and i had a clear head all the time, there comes a point i think in most realationships when you come to realise wheter its based on more than just your looks, whether theres a deeper connection and your together for a real reason, that was my problem before, i thought i felt that connection early on and went with it hoping it was true while knowing little about her personality.

The right thing to do is get to know someones personality first surely but its tricky, when you first meet someone its exciting, your get to know each other and you got their whole life to hear about and things to find out, maybe ill just shut up and stop trying to figure it out or know what it is, maybe thats the problem.

Ive always been a thinker from young, id be the kid in the corner apparently shy, but absorbing all i see and observing people taking things in, i gre up in a poor area with everyone of my mates into gangsta music and nike etc, i felt like i was the only one who has a differant point of view about the world, fashion, music, life in general, they all think there in a hood living rough and im thinking your all a bunch of sad acts man trying to act bad , not showing no love to noone or using manners you know, i never wanted to jump on the fashion 100pound for a pair of trainers train and thought about the world and poeple as one, not truly realating on the level i was on to noone, not expressing it aware that i couldnt have a conversation with noone cos there all ignorant to it right, so i end up tthinking i must just be too judgemental about everything i see, so thinking about blatent corruption out there and lies that people are living in this materialistic world unaware, went to all the war demos and rolled in freeing palestine movements e.T.C e.T.C felt like i was going a bit nuts when you get the truth and wonder why noone else is trying to stop it, you dont have no power to use the knowledge really you settle beside the life otheres are living, and i kind of adaptedd to the people i was around rather than talking about the shit going on in the real world man. It kind of gets drained out of consciencess people and you feel like youve morphed into one of the states footmen running around paying rent and buying stuff, ah, the state of humanity. What the fuck am i talking about this negative crap for anyway, the point im trying to make is... There isnt one, my life is in order, everything is... A mess, im going to make a cup of tea.

Ill keep you posted