Douche's journal

“I don’t know where this is headed or how it is going to end. I don’t even know if this is the right thing and I should leave it.” I try to say in one complete sentence without breaking. I had been planning it all night and day till now. Stop looking at me so emptily. He stares and swallows hard as if preparing himself for the worst.
“I don’t know how to say this and its very difficult for me because I don’t want to hurt you” he interrupts with his hands but I carry on anyway, “please understand its me and not you, I know people always say that but it really is my problem, and I’m sorry I have left it so long to share with you.” I sigh because saying it just hits me even harder as I really have left it too long and not just left it but lied for weeks about it. Even when he asked me I lied, mostly because I wasn’t prepared to discuss this delicate topic.
“Has something happened, what is it, I’m listening!” he reaches and holds my hand and damn I start crying, I wanted to try not to, mostly so I wasn’t an ugly blubbering mess and easier to understand. His hands are so soft and strong that I start to wish I’d never started talking and instead kissed him. But it’s too late and he is upset too now. “Don’t be sad, don’t be sad.” He keeps repeating and strokes my back. I feel desperate now and start to whimper. He sees how upset I am and leans closer to cuddle me and as he does so I turn and hug him hard.

Perhaps tomorrow will go like this, or perhaps I will be telling another story at the weekend. My brother has told me it might be a mistake but the truth shall set me free from this horrible lie.

Douche

On Friday I wasn't sure how the weekend will end, but will I get my kiss?

The weekend so far had been really amazing, especially as I’m leaving on Monday. We have seen so much of each other and I can really say I have already fallen for him; he is so beautiful with large blue eyes and black hair, with a sweep! He stands there like he normally does rolling his cigarette as we decide what we are going to do this evening. We are still talking through our friend that introduced us and occasionally making small talk with each other. But I try and get as close as I can to him as his perfume is strong and masculine and makes me feel weak at the knees. In fact just thinking about him and being close to him makes me feel weak.

It’s decided that we will go to a beach party with some friends, not sure where we will be sleeping but he suggests we sleep in my car if we have too. What does he mean by this? Nothing, he is just thinking about sleeping arrangement as we can’t sleep on the beach. We head off in the car, he sits next to me and plays with my music system and CD’s then asks if he can choose a CD as there is a song that reminds him of me! Of course you can! I ask him what song before I let him play it. I love the song that he has chosen so I can’t play hard and choose a different song. The song makes the car seem big and empty with silence. I can feel him looking at me. What’s he thinking?

The night has gone well we have shared many things about us and the alcohol makes me open up and be more confident. He sings a song which gives me a chance to stare at him without having to look away quickly when he realises I’m watching him. I can’t help but see such beauty in his face, the way his eyes close, his lips move and how he smiles when a note goes wrong! After the song he comes over and sits next to me and tells me how while he was singing the song the moon lit up my face and I looked beautiful, I just blushed and said thank you, then he said I’m always beautiful! I was now quite drunk and just gave him a big hug, I felt stupid not sending a complement back but I had nothing to say, I just felt it. I lay down and looked up at the stars and he copied me we lay there side by side, so close we were touching each other. I said how it was cold and he got close for body warmth he said I couldn’t help but laugh and he laughed too. There were awkward silences broken by a new image we could make out of stars. We got bored and it became silly and we joked about pictures we couldn’t see and wound each other up. We started talking about something serious I can’t remember what as I was too fixated on his face. We still lay next to each other but had our heads on our side facing in at each other. I spoke to him about something and watched him listen, he kept glancing at my lips and I knew he wanted to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me too! Kiss me, just kiss me, I’ll kiss you back.

People started leaving and I never got my kiss, we both got invited back to a friend’s house which was a half an hour walk through some woodland area and we were promised a sofa so it was worth the long distance walk. When we got there the sofa was very, very small. I told him how it was tiny, but really I knew that it would mean we would be close together. I grabbed a duvet I found on the floor and we snuggled down. At first it was silent and the lights were turned off. Eventually he put his arm strongly around me. I told him thanks. He asked why. It was keeping me warm and he smiled, I think it was difficult to make out his face. Again silence, until somebody sleeping on the floor started snoring we giggled and started talking. We stopped it was silent again, only for a little while. While we were talking we made it clear to each other we liked one another. He caressed my hand with his and stopped, please kiss me, I turned my head to kiss him but he was already asleep.

What do you do when your boyfriend doesnt come to a meal with you when invited becuase he wants to get drugs off his dealer before he leaves to go on holiday? Even though his meeting has planned before the meal. The meal is also very important to me and I want him to be there. I know I shouldnt let it bother me because, but its hard. Boyfriend also said to me that its becuasse he wants to see him before he goes and I cant help thinking that its just an excuse. Also boyfriend said he was leaving tomorrow, but I'm sure I heard him say next monday on the phone.

I'm really quite furious about the whole thing, and this is where it begins. I take things way out of what they really are, I get jealous! Thats simply it! Its started happening over a few things recently... I dont want to feel bad but I just think the worst with everything and its really not fair on boyfriend because e is so innocent even with what he thinks its all good and he never tries or even thinks about upseting me! But he does because I let it.

I'm also enraged at something else, even more boring than this but makes me want to leave, I'm going for a drive to let off some steam!

douche

This post was edited by Douche on Oct 25, 2005.

Has anybody ever left you for a short while, and when they return you follow them around like a child follows their hero…

I knew he was on his way home so I planned to stay inside so when he came in I could give him a big hug. I found myself pacing up and down the kitchen glancing out the window every five minutes and any time I heard a car drive past. When I saw the car coming up my drive way I grabbed some random shoes, they weren’t even mine, and pegged it down the drive to the car. I could see him smiling too! My hands naturally went straight to my mouth and I gasped when I saw his face my beautiful ‘chubs’. The tears started pouring when he opened the door and stepped out of the car and stood there with arms wide open. I reached forward and embraced a long and meaningful hug. We laughed and smiled huge smiles, which alone expressed our happiness but as well we told each other how happy we were to see each other again.

Maybe it’s because we shared a womb for 9 months or because we are just the best of friends but there is such a strong love and connection between us. A couple of weeks ago I felt so angry at him for ever leaving me. Now it’s better as he is home and safe and the same as I remember him. He has been in the air for ten hours so he is sleeping now. Later we are going for a meal so he can meet boyfriend… although it feels like they have already met as I talk to boyfriend about him all the time and boyfriend knows him in a way.

This break up we have just had has inspired me to write some notes, emotions when he left, emotions while he was away, memories that were provoked in his absence and emotions fro his return. Thank you for his safe return.

douche

This post was edited by Douche on Oct 25, 2005.

This poem was inspired by my mother, I feel like I am telling it from her eyes...

Fixed gaze facing the paralyzed walls,
Lost in patterned paper, a mess with stains.
Ash and hair form a carpet, across my legs,
Like a blanket to keep out wet tears that drop.
Cold, shivering and stubborn I sit here naked.

Heart wrenching feelings and twisted emotions,
Causing a pain that is deep and dull.
Lost totally in depressing clouds, going down,
Like a spiral of problems that are never ending.
Afraid, shaking and sorry I sit here naked.

Bravely moving upwards and battling on,
Strength from the Lord keeps them standing.
I pray, dear Lord watch over them, my children,
Like a mother and father would their new born.
Failing, falling and finished I lie here naked.

Its getting late and I can see that although he enjoys my company he wants to lie down. We sit for a while as he knows I must leave soon so we can’t get down to watching a film or anything; however I know already that I’m staying. This is it I felt it the moment I woke up this morning. I kiss him gently on his lips looking into his glass like eyes. They are so blue and transparent and tell so much about him and what he is feeling for me. He kisses me back but not gently this time he massages his strong lips against mine and reaches for my hair, slowly he runs his fingers through my hair. I move my head to his neck and kiss a number of times up to his ear and blow behind it and he twitches and squirms but tells me he liked it.
I sit up and look at him, he tells me it’s getting late and I say that I should be getting on. He says how he wants me to stay and I, knowing that I already am, look him up and down and tell him how I want to stay too. He smiles at me and leans forward for a kiss to move back and tell him ‘I love you’ he returns and we kiss. Getting more comfortable I rub my feet up and down his leg trying to get him more aware of where this is headed. He makes some noise which indicates he knows and rubs his hand up and down my back, then down to my bum where he holds his hand for awhile. He asks me if I want to go upstairs, I say yes nervously but excited which was obvious on my breath.
We get up and leave the lounge area and head towards the stairs. He lets me in front, which makes me feel uncomfortably in the lead. So when we reach his room I stand back and let him in first. He walks in, flicks on the light and begins to pick up some dirty laundry. I stop him by catching his hands as it falls towards the clothes. Interrupted he turns to me and holds me we kiss for a few minutes touching each other. Before he turns me and gently sits me down on the bed. He kicks off his shoes, so I copy but one shoe with difficulty so he slips it off and throws it behind him. I look up at him and he crawls on top of me and kisses my face, lips and neck. I take the next step and unbutton his shirt he slips off my jumper which makes my hair go static and messy, I laugh and plough my hands through my hair, he stops me and says it looks sexy. He looks down my body smiling and strokes my stomach and tells me he loves it and tells me I’m beautiful. As we kiss his hands explore my body pressing harder when I kiss him gently and it tickles him. His fingers move down to my inner thigh and my breathing gets heavier he stays there stroking my inner thigh and then up my skirt and in-between my legs. My legs start to quiver and I squirm to make it more comfortable for both of us, he takes my skirt off as I do so. He kisses my face then lowers to my chest and then even lower to my tummy where it is sensitive and lower and lower…

What is that noise, a phone ringing? We are interrupted by a phone ringing and I begin to wake up and as I start to return to reality. I realise my phone is ringing. It’s him and I’m late. I think to myself how the dream was amazing and then I get that feeling the same feeling I got when I woke up in my dream.