Douche's journal

*Cries*

Now I don't think that I'm extremely vain or anything but this morning I woke up with a huge coldsore on the side of my lip. Now if you suffer from coldsores then you should be able to agree with me that they feel horrible, you think they look horrible and I dont know about anyone else but they have the ability to make me really depressed. I think I get them when I'm stressed or depressed anyway, so it might not be the coldsore...but they definately dont help.

The annoying thing is that last night, while I was watching matrix reloaded, my lip was sore and tingly but it didnt feel like a cold sore normally felt. So I just kinda prodded it and licked it. But now I think that if I had gone upstairs, cleaned it gently and put some Aciclovir on it then I wouldn't ahve a cold sore this morning. My boyfriend is working away this week so hopefully it will be gone by then as I want to kiss him so bad when he works away and I get to see him..but I cant with a cold sore.

Anyway, I know what your thinking, there are more important things to be worried or upset about but, this was kinda the last straw if it was anything else then yeah I guess this post would be different!

I will try and not let it ruin my day any more...
douche

This post was edited by Douche on Oct 18, 2005.

If this is the beginning of something beautiful then does it mean there is an end too? Surely with beginning there is an end, everything that begins must end somewhere, good or bad I guess. I suppose the reason for it ending good or bad must be the same reason why it ended! I mean if it ended because it was best for it to end which is a good thing then it ending is good. But if it ends because of mistakes then the bad reason it ends is becuase of the mistake!

But maybe it will not be ending in the time that I will have to experience it. Prehaps somethings are everlasting and they are everlasting because after you die you miss out on the ending. Maybe the state that you die will be the state that you feel in your afterlife (whatever that is!)and the feelings you feel will remain...just as the people that feel for you after you die will also not change. But I feel this unlikely feelings do change as life goes on and it depends on the emotions.

I'm afraid that it will end within the time I will experience it and if this is the case then prehaps I should get out before I get hurt because I know that everyday it gets so much better. In fact I didnt realise that even after you know your in love the feelings gets stronger and stronger and stronger as the days, hours and minutes pass by. However this would be silly to get rid of the only thing I love. Hurting the only person I care for and hurting myself in doing so. It would also be silly because you cant just run away from things becuase they might end for what ever reason. You have to live in now and expect the future not escape it!

Like I have said in other posts our relationship seems perfect, so much trust and love...no arguements, which isnt a bad or good thing. We are complete with each other, and I cant imagine life without him there. I was lying in bed with him the other morning watching him sleeping, and I thought to myself that life doesnt get must sweeter then this and I want this life for ever! Can anyone realise what this means? I didnt even know if I realised what I was thinking. I'm just afraid of what may happen, where it may end and who or what ends it. Yet I am completely prepared to take on these fears for everything we have shared and will share. Nobody can end something because of a fear like this because we wouldn't get anywhere and the show must go on.

"Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows, only time? " Enya

I went out for dinner a couple of nights ago with my old friend and bless her she is just one in a million. But she is getting married to her girlfriend who lives in canada so she is moving back to canada as she is actually canadian! I'm very sada bout this but so glad too as she has finally met someone and fallen in love. Its amazing how from someones presence you can see if they are happy or not. When she was unhappy and didnt feel 100% she used to curl up and her posture as lazy and withdrawn...but the other night when we were talking about her and her future and present life, she was sat upright making eye-contact and just seemed so fresh an dalive, I'm just so happy she really deserves it. she has been through so much, and she probably hasn't even told me the half of it. I know taht we went through one similar problem and thats why we find it so easy to share things with each other.

She was telling me about her fiance, she seems lovely and my friend clearly loves her. I was really shocked when she told me they were going to make a baby after the wedding. This is excellent news, if a bit rushed! I suppose she they are both in their 30's and its cleary what they want. They have decided between them that they want my friend to have the babies as she is the younger out of both of them!It must have been difficult for her partner to co- make this choice. If it was me I would want the children, and would be difficult and I'm so glad it didnt cause any upset in the relationship an I suppose there choice made a lot of sence.

I want too try and get some money together so I can go to canada next august to be at the wedding! I guess pictures will just have to do!

Last night I was sat at my computer, just about to turn it on as I had so much I wanted to share, I had also just had an arguement with someone and I was feeling a little bit emotional (not boyfriend..which is good) but stil feeling a littl ebit bewildered and prehaps sorry aswell. Anyway I lifted the top of my laptop and switched it on and suddenly the screen became a crazy covered in stripes of different colours. Flashing and changing. I couldnt believe my lap top has broken...its devastating!

So not only could I not let out some emotion into words but also my laptop was broken...now I'm here ready to talk but its gone..which is agood thing I guess but I wanted it in words..If it comes back I'll write it down I think.

In case I dont see you good afternoon, good eveing and goodnight!!!

Isn’t it weird the feelings that we have for our family members... I mean I know everybody feels very differently about there own families but natural instinct is that we love them and for different members would die for them! I would die for my younger brother just a as I’m sure my older brothers would die for me. What started me thinking about this was at the weekend we held a party for my younger brother and I had a few drinks! My littlest brother came up to me for a hug and I grabbed him and told him I loved him and although this sounds like a really drunk thing to do admit was… I meant it. In fact when he walked away I got thinking about this whole loving your family and feeling such strong emotions about them.

However, here comes the twist, I truly believe that if I met my brothers and we weren’t related I wouldn’t give them a second glance or even try to get to know them…I think if I knew my wonderful twin at school just as a class mate I wouldn’t feel these strong emotions for him! Okay so this all seems like a really dumb ass thing to be questioning but why do family members almost automatically have these feelings for one and another!?!?

Just sat here..listening to Muse..such awesome music!

I have been stuck in this really wierd place recently...I'm so bored at the moment everyday is exactly the same untill I get out of the house in the evenings. Everyday just drags on an di wake up when ever I like with nothing to worry about and then I spend the afternnon on the computer or wacthing TV then i get ready to go out.....go out..see friends or boyfriend..stay out or come home..go to bed..and then it starts over again.

I know it seems like I live a really easy life..but I dont I'm so worried about the future. With no real secure qualification to help me on my way and no will power to get to college or get a job. Just saying all this make me realise even more taht its my own fault. But I'm still going to complain about it all.

Today I spoke to a really old friend of mine..infact I managed to see him over the internet. He hasnt changed a bit but I told him he had. I think I said that cause I wanted him to think that I was interested or even remebered the very distant passed we shared! Seems silly now but it made sense earlier! But it does feel good as I remember what I felt for him and compare it with those feeling that I have for boyfriend..which is so strong and better! I know you could say the feelings would be different as they are different circumstances...but the difference is worth what I have now...although it would be nice to be back in the past to feel that different way once more if only for a few seconds..Yet I'd choose this relationship anyday!

My beloved twin is returning to me in three weeks..I can herdly wait.

That is all!