Ettena's journal

Wouldn’t it be fun to look into the disk box on top of the cupboard?

;-)

Since Friday I've been feeling special: last Friday my nose got fractured while I was scuffling with my boyfriend. Well, to be honest, it only got partially fractured, nothing severe.
Anyways, I'm feeling proud to be in possess of a (almost) broken nose, not everyone can say that of himself, especially not that it happened in a fight with one's boyfriend! *grin*

(Luckily, I don't need to do anything for therapy but wait ten days without honking and great nose movings, then danger to displace anything will be over :)

Wow, how i'm feeling hard and strong..

Pheww! I'm happy today! Have no explanation for it, happiness comes and leaves only god knows why...

Uuuuuh! I could kiss the world! Make funny noises and laugh my head off...
I absolutely don't fear any of my future right now! Why should I? The world is so wonderful if you make it to see things optimistically. Simplify them. It's so easy. Nothing is real unless you believe it. That's the formula for me. My new philosophy. Counting the positive things in life, waking up to them. Enjoy every minute I can. What's left? There's no need for fear at the moment.

If only I could convince the world of it!! Words don't seem to be my domain. Could feelings help? Please stop the war immediately. If only I could convince everyone. War's not the way.

Why
why
why?

Let me convince you and I show you happiness. But end this war.

how to feel not empty.
You're filled with so many details impressions expressions thoughts ideas news and stuff and you feel empty after a day like this. Where have all those things gone to? Aren't they somewhere inside you?
Of 10 trillion impulses that pour into us in one second we can only percieve 10 to 100.
What about the other 999,999,999,990 to 999,999,999,900 impulses? They must be gone to some unconscious place inside your brain. Science says there's only enough memory cell for 20 trillion impulses in our brain. Shortly, we can only save 2 seconds of our lifetime impulses. Great. I must say that I'm far older than 2 seconds. So what has happened to all my impulses? Where did they go?
I must have lost them. I've lost my life! That must be the cause I feel empty.

how not to feel empty.

I actually don't believe what i've just written. I just don't know what to believe!
life's so complex. so many things I crave for doing but don't get them started. listening to music. my music. makes me feel i can do whatever i want. music stops and i feel crap. i want to change everything in my life. same time and i don't want to change one thing. what to change it for anyway. i meet an impressive person: suddenly want to live like her: but - that's not me. don't know who i am. will i ever know? will i ever..?
eversearching for my aim.. is there any? memories. memories do count a lot. You live in the present and in your memories. Nothing else. could my aim be to gather as many nice memories as possible? to live intensely? what else? feelings? emotions? what would i miss if i died right now? would it matter? to single persons maybe, not to the world.
The world doesn't need me. Still, would it be selfish to die now? Cannot get rid of these thoughts. again and again.. this creates emptyness I guess. I must get out of it.

(Can you hear the tempest outside?
Do you feel things you can't see nor put into words?
Do you listen to the voice inside you?
Do you try to express your emotions but you cannot?
It's all closed up
the tempest outside
and inside
shaking
it wants the future it wants to know it knows
tho it may not know- may not!
Still it knows.

Forget the words and listen to the storm.

How can i walk when i don't feel my legs?
How can i see when i can't open my eyes?
How can i talk when i don't know how?
How write? How paint?

Dedicate to the storm
take me blow me away let me forget everything i want to be new and innocent create a new picture of me starting all over again
let the world be new and without sorrow!

Is it possible to exist?
Would it be good to exist?
What would it matter?
Man is not made to exist
in my eyes in my soul in all of me
crying out no with all my voice!)

I like certain sentimental films.

I'm not too sure if I'm really gonna use the journal.. What's the difference to the "other topics" forum apart from the fact that only I can start a new thread? I'm so absolutely a NON-geek that I find the journals confusing.. sorry I'm criticising your babe Jaz... but: using the journal as a sort of diary: would I really want others to read what I write into my private secret little diary? What can I write in here that I can't write in the forums? Maybe it's good to have journals from a social point of view: considering the flood of posts of all the many users that NAO's reached to gather meanwhile. It's easier to pick the posts you really want to read. you needn't read every user's journal if you don't want. well, think I've just changed my mind (this can go so fast :) : I like the journals now. I'd compare the journal to my sketchbook. It's something personal about me but people are invited to watch my work though it's sorta separated from the "open" work, like inside my sketchbook.