Hardballkid's journal

Campus voting day was Friday (10-11 am). So, as planned, I got up, showered, threw on some formal wear, and headed over to the voting site. As expected, I was the first there to cast my ballot (as the motto of Chicago goes- vote early & vote often), of course, voting for myself as President. After chatting a bit, walked back to my dorm and started on some studying. Nervous of course, for the next 3 hours or so until the votes were tallied, I sat, napped, studied and shot some hoops. Loosing track of time, I was indulging myself in my favorite movie when my- hoped to be- Vice Pres walked in smiling. "Sweet" I thought to myself as we shook hands and congratulated each other.

I was always pretty optimistic about the results, but always being true to myself, I still had a faint worry- Which would be expected for any male running in the school when 3/5 of the student body is female. However, my optimism was confirmed. Seeing the rest of the results- I saw that 5 of 6 that I voted for were victorious. So, in short, next year will be great. I know our Student Senate will do great things for the school.

It has been a fine weekend, so far. Then I bowled that same day with some friends and faculty. Taking a rest until later that evening when I purchased some movies I have been wanting lately: American History X & Requiem for a Dream- both awesome in their different ways. Today ran little errands and then played an intense basketball game for the league in which we participate. We won, no thanks to my 10 points ;-)

Now, getting to some work. Next week is finals and boy, I'm not looking forward to it. Summer- a week a way is pretty unbelievable. No one I know gets out as early as we do. Just means I get a jump-start on those summer jobs.

Overall, this freshman year of college has been tough. Yet, I have enjoyed every minute of it.

Another month, another month behind. Yet, I have done a good deal. Two friday's ago I went rock climbing in Joshua Tree National Park and last Friday I, along with many classmates, attended a taping of the Jay Leno Leno Show. It was a fun experience. Unlike most celeberties, Leno really seems to have a genuine personality and a down to earth viewpoint. Great seats, fine comedy and ehh guests.

In another hectic week.

Visited my academic advisor an hour ago to converse about my bombing grade in english. It's not due to my lack of knowledge but to my constant student/professor conflict. The class with her as professor has been a constant struggle. However, Im not a complete idiot and will pass the class and get it over with and behind me.

Student Senate races are in the distance; thus, I recieved my application to run today. Running for President seems promising yet I dont quite know if this is what I really want. Honestly, my chances are 50/50 and they are odds I dont like. Its not that I want to win by a landslide, its just that Im unsure about my own self-confidence.

It's what I want but whether Im fit for it is questionable.

Another day, another futile effort. I never thought I'd feel this desolate, this careless. Sleep, ally of death, is all I wait for now. All ambition crumbles to pieces, it doesn't mean anything any more. The tears swell up and my heart sinks to the floor as I realize something: I don't care any more. Everything I do is based on habit and not meaning. My friends seem so alienated - we never talk and I never understand them. I'm under the plaster of despair, wide awake, and wishing I would fall asleep. I feel abandoned and lost, but it doesn't matter, because I don't care. When I'm awake, I wander directionless, head filled of life-long desires and physical fantasies.

The sincere, affectionate touch of another is all I really think about any more. This thought occupies my mind, entrances my emotions. Apathy has desensitized me. Pleasure means nothing to me. Apathy. Just sleep and ignorance of reality. I don't need to ask myself who I am - I always knew, but now it doesn't matter.

When we sleep we dream about living. When we wake we dream about dying. Lies surround us. We drown in this sea of lies. We lie to ourselves. Push off reality and pull on a mask. Flawed are both the mask and the face it conceals. These tears are meaningless.

I dream of happiness, but open my eyes to the cold, sterile darkness inhibiting my reality.

(I’m not truly this bad off, but, it doesn’t all sound to far from the truth- As for now, I will lax into a bleak hallucination- pondering the potential of next Valentines Day- while I eat a white Sweetheart that simply says “Cool.”)

Again, here I am up till the rooster crows working on an essay due later today. Not to mention I have 3 more that are due sporadically throughout the week along with a novel I need to finish reading so that I can have something intellectual to say about it on the test Tuesday. Procrastination, you gotta love it. Yea, so I am on my 5th cup of Tazo green tea- which helps to keep me up. Most likely its the large amounts of homey that I stir in. I quests you could say I enjoy a little tea with my honey. It sure is going to be one hell of a busy week, let me tell you.

However, the weekend was pretty enjoyable.
On Friday we had a campus trip to L.A. where we visited the Museum of Tolerance and the Wilshire Boulevard Temple, which I must say, is gorgeous and beautifully done.

The Museum of Tolerance was new to me, despite the fact that I have lived in Southern California all my life. And to some degree, I was emphatically disappointed. I was disappointed for a few reasons (paying particular attention to the last two):
1) Its lack of artifacts & original relics
2) How it sadistically employs modern entertainment technology to appeal to young visitors and manipulate their emotions.
3) Its attempt to make the Jewish Holocaust relevant to Los Angeles' largely non-Jewish and non-white population by setting it in the context of modern racism and genocide.

First of all, I went in with full intent of comparing it to my experience at the National Holocaust Museum in D.C. And, superficially, it fell short quite quickly.

I was about 13 when I visited D.C. and the museum. Let’s just say, I cried like an infant. It was a very eye-opening and visually horrid experience which I am truly glad I got to witness. So, I went to L.A.'s with that memory (and a tissue in my back pocket- just in case).

To begin with, it’s not near as extensive nor does it dive into as many details. In its own way, it openly declares its intent to use history to teach lessons of tolerance and responsibility to its visitors, which in itself is a noble goal. Additionally, its flashiness is not intended to appeal to historical/bookish individuals who were already familiar with the history.

I took the most issue from the he "Point of View Diner," which uses interactive video technology to present moral issues to groups of visitors. This $1.4 million high-tech "Point of View Diner" attempts to motivate the visitor to, after a short movie scenario, asks questions about hate speech & race relations in America today. It’s basically the "latest cutting edge technology to relay the overall message of personal responsibility." This interactive exhibit then allows, following the scenario, visitors to input their opinions on what they have seen and question relevant characters. I saw the whole thing as being poorly done and very tunneling in its manipulating views.

Not to mention, the exhibit failed to mention that the Supreme Court has already ruled on the issue of free speech.

The high points of the museum, I believe, were the gas-chamber like room (where we hear horrifying stories of barbaric cruelty, then edifying testimony of resistance against overwhelming odds) and the actual testimony/life story of a survivor that met our group at the end of the tour. I think these were the 'realist' & tangible verification I sought from the beginning.

If you haven’t been there- I still recommend going on any basis. The tour part takes approx. 2 1/2 hours.
As with anything, it has its goods & bads- you just need to be able to decipher which is which.

After the museum and some lunch we headed over to the Temple where we were given a guided tour and sat in on their Kabbalat Shabbat Service. I was really astonished on how 'progressive' this individual temple was. Not only did the have women rabbis (& soon Presidents) but they also partake in inter-faith relations. However, it was overall an enjoyable experience that included majestic architecture. It was pretty breathtaking to be standing on the platform with the doom overhead and murals on the walls. I was thoroughly surprised that the Rabbi willingly took out and read from the Torah, which definitely was a new experience.

Well, I believe that to be a longer diversion then I wished. Back to work on this formidable essay. Hopefully Ill have time to watch the sunrise and the dawning of a new, and undoubtfully, difficult & tiring week ahead.

Bertrand Russell once said, "I am an accidental collocation of atoms." On the intellectual level, he purported to view himself in a sheer materialistic way; but in his daily life he did not act like a random collocation of atoms, but like an entity with purpose and meaning in life. He brushed his teeth like everyone else, took his place in society, communicated in speaking and writing, and demanded rationality of a reality which he claimed was non-rational.

That, I must say, is schizoid.

His intellectual beliefs, in my view, are more consistent with the gibbering maniac who is no more rational than the physical world which 'accidentally' produced him. I would expect such a person (if behaving consistently) to be more likely to behave in a manner that was random, chaotic, meaningless, and purposeless. I would expect him to be the person who goes on a killing spree culminating in suicide, or perhaps the person who obliviously sits in the corner all day and honestly believes himself to be a potato.

I'm glad I have a purpose, whatever it may be.

Right now, that purpose seems to be staying up all night, studying/reading/writing, sleeping 3-5 hours, getting up, going to work, and classes in between. But this is my career for now. Im a student. What makes it more difficult is trying to be a successful one at that.

College life has its perks, of course. Its just hard to say what they exactly are seeing as how I know Im going to be up all night studying for a test and essay tomorrow.

As for now, I must go ingest some caffeine, brush my teeth, and and take my place in the library- where all the other rational sleep-depraved individuals go.

I might be tired- but I aint no potato.

Well, my first semester of my freshman year in college is now behind me and just let me say- I am most thorougly dissappointed at its outcome. Grades barely managed to hit par, which is definetly way below expectations and my own personal standards. With such grades you would then at least expect to believe I had lots of fun screwing off which caused me to neglect my studies. You would be wrong, however, to believe such a thing which is truly unacceptable, if even more so then the grades themselves.

So, over Christmas break I was subsequently forced to ask myself- What the hell did I do (no less accomplish) over the last 4 months? The only answer I could come up with was a whole lot of nothing. For proof all I had to do was look around.

Lets just say, this semester I WILL not only improve but I WILL have more fun doing so. I just hope the latter half of that sentence doesnt negate the first portion of it. But I dont intend to see it do so. I WILL accomplish the given tasks before me and smile all the while doing them.

It wont matter that I beefed up my credits more so then last semester though becuase I truly believe I have classes I will enjoy more so then their previous counterparts. For instance, I have zero math or science classes which always tend to drag my studies down not to mention menatally and emotionally. So definetly, thats a huge +plus+. Instead of such classes I either have ones I enjoy (sociology, history, racquetball ;-) or ones that I can tolerate that shouldnt give me any problems (english communications, english literature and Old Testament studies). I can only succeed now, because to do worse... well...let's not even go there.

So, that's my plan and I'm sticking to it!