Hardballkid's journal

So, I'm pretty much screwing myself these days. Finals week is next week where there waits 5 exams ready to devour me like a crippled zebra in the Safari. Well, only 3 of the 5 frighten me like no other. Maybe thats because those are the three that are comprehensive exams. Doom looms next week, thats for sure. I pretty much have to A'ce my Spanish exam which seems all but impossible (are pigs in flight yet?).

This stress, as Im feeling, is inducing pain in my gut- otherwise known as Crohn's. Damn this intrepid disease; its such a bitch. If I have learned anything over the last 7 years by living with this pain is that stress is the worst contributing factor. But, as a college student in a fast-paced & high stressed world- its all but impossible to escape.

As for today, well, its starting off slowly (work-wise that is). A big group of us managed to elude work by going and having three intense- INTENSE- games of Laser-Tag. I, in particular, did fantastic with hit after hit of individuals and freezing their homebase numerous times. So many times that it is almost tooo numerous to enumerate. But, after all that rolling, jumping, diving and knocking (yes, I did break the No Physical Contact Rule), Im too tired to work now.

All I have to say is that its going to be a very long and exausting weekend. With my next to mornings occupied with Jujitsu class on Sat and Church on Sun- today is my last line of defense against screwing myself to perpetuity.

Ohh well, somehow I still have a smile on my face. Maybe its because of that part of my that takes pleasure in high pressure situations.

Well, as for now, nap time.

You move along and are briefly exposed to sunlight, casting a shadow from which you draw back in momentary fear. Well, it makes good sense to be afraid right now, and you are glad that your reflexes are quick and hard and functional. It’s a big poker game, and you’re playing your cards close to your chest and watching dealer carefully and betting your strength.

Other people have walked like this. Other men have driven their bodies through long black minutes that shrouded their minds and dropped in deep folds over their hearts. And this was a shadow they could not escape but which bobbed crookedly in the relentless gray dust of the scorched road.

Your whole body is battered by little shocks of instinct and your mind is loose and unbuttoned and all your thinking is drained from you in disjointed blobs. Theres some uneven ground a bit to your right, and you make for it, but you see there is a barrier of darkness on either side of it and that the space between is narrowed down like a funnel, but you can’t stop yourself. He spots you. He casts his shadow in your direction as you run for your life. The whole place kicks and scratches at you with dark figures and then suddenly the earth jumps up and slams into your chest and crashes you down.

There is a reserve of coolness holding your muscles together. You know that you have been surrounded and that the enemy, as you know him, has cut off your escape route to the rear. But the wildness of their yelps tells you that they cannot see you were you are and that they are only guessing at your position in the hope you will reveal yourself by crying out, by waving the white flag. But you are to smart for that. You have been in this situation every minute since you were weaved into the pattern of this earth, for it is the game of existence which you are instinctively engaging.

Stand still.
Be quiet.
Don't retreat.

If your surrounded, the noise you would make getting flat on your belly would be like putting your finger in a continous, non-consuming fire. The tall, uneasy shadows break up your silhouette.

Listen. Listen very carefully. You can hear the molecules in the air marching past you to the threshing and hammering drum beat of your pulse.

Turn your head and look behind you. Can you see anything? Only mud and dirt and rubble and a fly buzzing in lazy circles and trees leaning on their years and a single leaf falling like a drop of eternity.

A shadow darkens your awarness. You twist around, facing forward. Theres life. Its hand is lifted. It whisper, "Stay here you fallen people. Im not finished with you yet." He then sidles out of your vision and the rustling curtain of despair swings shut again.

You feel the days weaving you into its agonizing tapestry.

"Stay here..." Okay. You'll stay. You'll stay because there's nothing else to do, and you'll stay becuase theres nowhere else to go. The whole thing is like a poorly written play, full of dramatic build-ups that never reach a climax and climaxes that are never built up to. And theres no showmanship or staging or colorful, brillant lighting effects and the characters are plain, ordinary fools, and the lines said and the gestures made are simple, ordinary and corny. It's stupid and uninspired and insulting to the simple dignity of human beings...But it is having a record run and people come from all over and they call it the Blockbuster and they will go on doing it until maybe someday there will be no performence given and no one will attend.

There you are all alone, and you gaze into the darkness briefly. You begin on your journey, slowly, one foot in front of thee other. Easy now. A stumble, a slip of your soul will cause you to eternally fall and any effort to regain your balance will draw more attention from the ones who haunt you, those of whom will later destroy you.

This post was edited by Hardballkid on Dec 04, 2005.

He knows your coming. He’s waiting for you out there. He’s an expert in counteraction and skilled in preparing ambushes. He’s got an instinct for disguise, and patience and fucking discipline and he’ll wait all day, if necessary. He’s counting on you to underestimate his toughness and spirit and the quality of his combativeness, and he wants you to think he’s stupid as hell when all the times he’s ingenious, devious little bastard who knows more about you than you know about him, or even yourself.

Don’t figure him to give you any breaks.
He won’t.
It’s hard for you to realize that someone hates you, but if that someone is anywhere, you’ll find him here. He demoralizes then kills with reflex action and he does it dirtily, viciously, but not cowardly.

You can rely on him to fight to the last.
And remember.
He’s tough and tricky and sneaky and treacherous.
He shows a sacrificial devotion to legacy.
He says and repeats, “If my arms are broken, I will kick him down. If my legs are injured, I will eat his flesh. If my mouth is jaw is aching, I will pierce the bastard with my glaring eyes!”

But right now, he is as scared as you.

Just a journal...

My heart aches every moment for what could of been
a lifetime filled with love & happiness
but it's only my regrets that I carry time & time again
I'm wrapped up in my own emotions & completely trapped
In a box of nails and suffocated emotions
no way out except for one
an obstacle I could never imagine climbing
one of unimaginable heights
one full of traps & ambushes
ready to jump upon a lost soul and blackened heart...

-

But you were my anchor
and the rope that will carry me upward
but I still proceed with caution
for a mending heart can only take so many blows
and a life with you can only be so long
however, its a chance I'm willing to take
for without you,
I know I will forever ache.

or...

+Alternate Ending+

and you werent near
thats what I always feared
you left me in that dungeon
you committed me to despair
now, forever stuck in the devils lair
living in darkness has brought upon me such terror
These demons inside of me scratch at my soul
Now, everything of mine you have completly stole.

Both true...
Both unforgivable.

Honesty. It seems as if its something which people are more likely to deny to themselves than to others. While in a conversation with another person, someone may unconsciously express their own love, fear, desire, hopes, and hates. Then a person will find a retreat- to their own safe place- a place in which they feel comfortable. A place where their own suppressed thoughts and even desires begin to evolve. Then they deny it.

Society has molded what is expected of each individual 24/7. What each is expected to love/hate. When their emotions and worldviews change from that of the cultures- they are ostracized. So, its the person who comes to grab hold of their emotions and define their ideologies that may as well feel like a radical. Aren't they in fact one?

Have they not overcome societies obstacle of the "crowd following." Have they not become an individualist or even a Freethinker?

So begins their journey- one quite deviant from the World's wide road of mass chaos and ignorance.