Hardballkid's journal

I'm a week into the adventure of my life, College life. So far so good. It's no ordinary adventure however. Living on a campus 1/3 the size of my High school and with a student body consisting of 22 students- Im in for a real interesting year. How so you ask?- Well, its the colleges first year and Im the first class, not to mention its a christian coollege as well. My classes either consist of 18 (the largest-Biology) or 3 (the smallest-Spanish). Its definetly a real one-on-one experience like never before. But its the type of teaching and learning that I really need.

I have learned more about my professors in the last week than I have of any previous teacher in a years time. Its that connection here that I feel I will really appreciate and expand on. Considering that I have lunch and/or dinner with either one of the professors, the academic advisor, or the President of the college himself- people are relatively close.

Not to mention the food in incredible here. I have never eaten so well in my life. How many college students do you here that from. Im just very gracious to take part in this once in a life time experience.

Not here, not now. Please! That was my the other night as I had that horrible gastro discomfort that usually only occurs when the disease is upon me. I thought it might pass, I was wrong. It lasted all day until that night when I sat up and made a quick dash to the sink as I puked everything I had in me out.

So, here I am. Finally ate something, which will hopefully stay down confirming what I would love to think; that night was a fluke. I pray to God thats what it was. I cannot deal with this now. Im starting college in a month and a half, I have a full-time job working up to 45 hours a week, and much more. Plus, I cant afford to lose anymore weight. And if I have relapsed with my disease then all Ill be doing is losing weight. Not to mention being pumped up with 5 medications 5x's a day and that 4 out of 5 episodes mean a trip to the hospital.

Somethings not right, I know that. I dont have the energy I use to, Im not as hungry anymore, and Ive had plenty of quesy stomachs.

I can't afford it- Monetarily, emotinally, and especially physically.

Not giving a flying luck, or so it seems. I wish. 16 days. Sixteen days and the 4 years of high school are over forever. Sixteen days and I turn 19 as well. Nothing to big. That is ninteen is no pinnacle age or anything. Ninteen is a crossover age between smoking and drinking- none of which I partake of, of course.

Back to graduation- I am excited to say the least. Im really looking forward to my Get out of the house and go live on campus Free Pass- only ill be paying the $200 instead of collecting. I recieved my financial aid package about 2 weeks ago from my college and saw that ill be getting about a 70% ride. So- only a few thousand will we have to fork out ourselves. We will probably just still go with the colleges student loans seeing how the interest rates are impressively low.

Also started a new job about 3 weeks ago. Its going well- great co-workers, ok pay, but hard work.

Im starting to feel like Im actually in the drivers seat of my own life. Having two sets of parents has dicatated my life for much of my existence- but now...its my turn and I feel a lead
foot pumping the gas.

"Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes."

I hope to be little more active again at NAO after my brief AWOL period. I feel as if I might not have to time, however.

This post was edited by Hardballkid on Nov 16, 2005.

Well. At the start of another week. Things are looking pretty derperate too. A have a lot to do but I am not going to kill myself worrying about it. I am a realist bordering optimist and sometimes that really screws me over because with it comes great procrastination for some odd reason with me. Yet, I WILL get everything down because my life is depending on some of these tasks, to put it lightly.

My weekend was busy but fun. Friday I went out with some friends in order to take pictures for our photo project out in the Crystal Cove area. Such a beautiful area especially with the radiant sun glistening over the calm, still waters with occasional sail-boats puttering by- adding to the majestic scene. Now I just hope the pictures will come out the way I planned ;-) Then Sat night was Sadie Hawkins at Knotts Berry Farm for our school from 8-12pm. And from 10-12 it was just our school roaming the park which meant absolutely no lines for any of the rides, which was awesome. Then Sun I woke up with a horrible soar throat which I am still feeling the effects of right now. I have been sucking on Halls Mint Menthols like candy for the last 36 hours. Then later I went to The House of Blues, which is always a nice experience, with some family to celebrate my moms b-day. We saw, after some spectacular buffet brunch, a performance by a gospel blues music group- Southern Style.

I not to long ago I found out my Ex is really interested in another which kinda topsy-turns my heart but it wont effect me like it wouldva not to long ago. Im moving on looking forward to bigger, brighter things. I dont need to be in that kinda relationship anyways. Mutual love is all I seek.

So, that was then and as of now I need to work on some pending work as I listen to the Violent Femmes- Good stuff! But I now must go work and get it all done so all I will have to worry about is if Im going to go to Grad Night or not.

Well, another fun day (being just half sarcastic). My day began being late to my 1st period class once again, however, he never takes roll so it doesnt matter except the valuable info i negate. So, more of notes and lectures which I dont mind since it is European History-which Im loving. The next 2 periods were a whole lot of nothing to to teaching circumsatnces. My econ class was pretty informative today, for a change. Maybe it was due to my huge participation.

Then lunch came and like the past 2 weeks- it was spent in my European History class going over sample test questions. Ive been doing lots of studying and extra time with my teacher in order that i can assure myself at least a 4 on the AP test in May. Im going all out though- I want a 5 dammit. So- my lunches and a couple of future Sat. well be spent with my teacher and anyother willing students hungry for knowledge.

Then, I was able to relax with my free 5th period with friends and chat over the table as we play cards (communist/Big 2). That was nice- time to Veg.

Then 6th period English were we just worked on some extra credit stuff that I could of done with my eyes closed.

Then I was homeward bound and glad for it. Until I relized I needed to make corrections on my FAFSA form in order that my future college can calculate the numbers and get me a financial aid package.

Get this -but first some background- Im going to a tiny Chrisitian College in Ontario, Ca that is just starting out for the first year- making me the first class which is pretty exciting. The only reason I know of this college is because the Admssions counselor goes to my church- Grace of God? I say Yes.

But the hysterical thing is that as of now, the college only has a total of 27 student enrolled. I just cant believe im going to go to a college where there are less kids in the entire school then there is in any one period at my High School. Im really going to love the one on one.

But Im looking forward to it all.

I just hope all the corrections are made and done with- because i am really getting tired of it all. Now I must study for a Euro test tomorrow and this week i need to read a book in order that i can write an essay on it for a scholarship. Essay is due May 1st. Boy, im really running out of time.

The only thng I really have right now is my health- thank God. My tumultuous disease has subsided and has been in readmission for almost 2 yrs now and Im feeling the best I have ever felt in my life. Hopefully that will continue because now is not the time in my life to once again visit the hosptial for a extensive day.

So, day by day Im taking it- along with deep breaths. I cant wait to experience what lies ahead of me.

This post was edited by Hardballkid on Apr 13, 2005.

The following is just the opening to a novel I have been endlessly writing, editing and re-writing for a couple months now. The plot is somewhat deeper then what it reads to be, but of course this is just the beginning. Nothing special- but its not a bad start.

The sky cleared, its deep blue alive with the promise of a new day. The sun, cold yet blinding, rose slowly, spreading its own beauty. The sea, far in the distance, flung salt towards the ground, hoping to conquer yet more territory. Deep grey, and strong, muscles rippling to welcome the dawn. And yet, Spinell could only see the negative of everything he saw.

“Damn sky. There’s no colour in the air.”

He lay motionless in the hammock as he brought his diminishing cigarette to his dry, chapped lips to smoke away more years of his fleeting life. He was told, time and time again, from medical doctors that he had to quit the dirty habit, but Spinell could see no reason to. Yes, he only had about two-thirds of his blackened lungs working, but that made no difference to him. Life was over for him, as he saw it, life was over as soon as it began.

Spinell was 43 and a manic depressant. He grew up in a harsh, alcoholic family setting and ran away from home at the age of 13. He had envisioned a prosperous life for himself with all the glitz and glamour as he saw on TV. But that was some time ago, before, that is, his habitual criminal tendencies.

Now, frankly, he was a nut, a lunatic locked away in Los Angeles’ Insane Asylum. Located overlooking the city, the Asylum, pleasantly named “New Hope,” sat on the top of the hill with a majestic view of the setting sun billowing away as with the time of day.

Along with about a dozen other inmates, Spinell was living each un-inspiring day in a nomadic fashion, one of zero spontaneity and complete routine. And it was routine in which all he had. Arising from his perpetual nightmares, roll call, breakfast, alone time, lunch, alone time, roll call, dinner, and then once again, to bed where nightmares of his past awaited him. It was his alone time he cherished. A time to be solitarily with his possessive thoughts, even if they were mad much of the time.

This was the beginning of the eighth year of “treatment” at New Hope. After those eight years, however, all his progression is only to be seen in his face, which has grown all the more wearisome and has become almost translucent to his inner self, a struggling inner-self.

Now it was ten till six, roll call in a forty minutes and dinner at seven in the mess hall.

Spinell, now on his third cigarette in twenty minutes, was eyeing Dr. Ian Miller, the 5th psychiatrist to head the New Hope asylum in his eight years. Dr. Miller was just like the last four, however, he hated the asylum and the piss-ass crazy men that adorned it. He was an old rigid man of seventy and everyone wonders why he just doesn’t retire. He, like Spinell, can’t stand life and hates just about everyone for no particular reason. Yet, unlike Spinell, he has no reason to.