Hardballkid's journal

"Will I always be waiting, waiting for you..."
"Will I always be playing, playing the fool..."

Those words by Jack Johnson seems to have soem neurological effect on me when it plays. It is one of my top songs right now.
Whether its the soft tunes and hurmonic voice or the words that have found deep meaning and truth in my heart, I'm not quit sure. Whatever it is, I find myself blasting it when it appears on the radio.

Have you ever just had that one song that you find yourself beholden to because of its truth in your life at that very moment? I know I have time and time again.

Well, its ending the month of March, as it is getting ever closer to my last days in High School. I have mixed feelings of, "Get me out of here!" & others of, "Ohh c'mon, just one more year." But Im looking forward to move on with my life. So, thats me and school as of now.

Other advances in my life are either not there or not worth talking about right now.

However, Im am in frantic searches for a job as I find my bank account dwindling. Plus I'm one of those people that love to work. And I just want to break up these annoying monotonous life I am leading to no end.

I am also feeling little lonly in the significant other area. I kinda wish I had somebody to be with and spend my time with that would be behind me. Feeling I've never had before. I have always been the independent type yet I am needy in certain aspects.

However, I'm not going to go make something out of nothing.

Now Im going to call it a night, it being a most beautiful one at that with the rain having washed the earth and a blanket of stars light the clear, majestic, sky.

Later All...

This post was edited by Hardballkid on Jul 05, 2005.

Now what? What am I suppose to act? How am I suppose to carry myself?

Getting over love is a hard task to accomplish. But I see progress. I'm not obsessed with uncontrollable desires to be around her and talk to hear or just to think of her: as much. I don't think i'll ever completely get over her. I will always think of her whether it be a brief thought or an enlongated memory, she will have some place in me heart.

You just can't have a first love, watch it go sour, and then try and wipe the slate clean and shoot again. It wished it worked that way but it doesnt. To many emotions, to many hindrances to deal with.

Now there is another who I love as a friend but that's all. I dont know what to think or say. I dont want to lead her on as if to say something might happen. I just dont want anybody right now until I get over thee last. I dont want to hurt anyone as she hurt me,
it's not right.

I can be a real jerk when it comes to simple converstations and qestions of yes or no. I make everything difficult. She kinda knows but still. I just might be over analying it like i do everything else.

There is still a part of my that doesnt want to live my life and just wants to hold up on everything in hopes that she will return to me. I know the chances ae slim to none, but I still have that feeling I cant get rid of. I just would hate to be blinded so badly that I dont see the one that could be right in front of me and miss my true chance to love again.

Well, here i go again rambling on about situations and problems that I, only myself create. Maybe it will all just blow over and everything will be lolliepops, or not. I'm betting on the latter.

This post was edited by Hardballkid on Mar 14, 2005.

Well, once again it's Sunday night and I have really nothing to show for myself that I accomplished over the weekend. Granted I finshed some homework and an essay or two, but really, what does that do for me in the long term of things. Ya, it might get me out of teacherous HS, and get me into a college. But i feel as if I need more.

I probably could count the number of times I went outside of my house this weekend on one hand. All-beit, I really didnt have anything to go outside for. Execpt to go walk my diarrhetic dog once or twice around the block.

Is this what my existence consists of. Fullfilling the expectations of my teachers, parents, and dog... Could I possibly stoop any lower???

I know my journals are seeming to mirror eachother lately. So, I'll just stop posting them until the they get more interesting or at least differ. Until then, later and a good-bye.

I thought I was going to be able to have a little break and relax this weekend but I now see that will not happen. I have a list of things to do that will basically consume all of my ticking time. I have three essays to write, homework to complete, and studying to do for upcoming tests. Looks like I'll have to put my job hunting to the back-sit and other junk I wanted to do.

Seems like something always occurs time and time again that prevents me from doing something I wanna do. So, I'll be confinde to my room, once again. Feel like a damn hermit sometimes that somehow keeps moving into a smaller and smaller shell. I feel as if I just wanna break out of my shell and go exploring, naked and all.

Before I know it, I'll be so deficient in vitamin D that I'll pass out or something.

Ohh well...What happens happens, right? Maybe if I put my mind to it, I could work diligently and complete all my work by tomorrow, leaving me Sunday. But, I know me well enough to know that will not happen.

Darn procrastination won't consume me this weekend, or at least I hope...

Another weekend of total boredom and grief. This seems to be the way of my life recently: to no end. I dont even know how i really pass up all my idle time. My life just seems to be one big mush-ball of waste and putrid refuse.

Everything was going pretty well for awhile. I had a good job, a girlfriend, and essentially a pretty busy life. But, I lost my job due to its closing and my girlfriend dumped me. However, i didnt have both at the same time, but still, its one lose after another.

Im not giving up though. That would be the easy way out. Im going job hunting next weekend. I will finally get another job. I wont let the break-up bother me anymore- no matter my feelings for her. Things will change- slowly or rapidly- it doesnt matter. I will make things happen, because the life im leading right now is just slowly but surely killing me.

I did get one tid-bit of good news this weekend, however. I got word that i got accepted to a college i applied for. This is the one I've been waiting for because it is probably my top choice. I should be more ecited that I am. I just might need to let it sink in.

Things will get better from here on out- I got high hopes.

This post was edited by Hardballkid on Feb 21, 2005.

Well, its Valentines Day. The day i was planning for all week. That is until my ex-girlfriend dropped the time-bomb on me. But no worries. Im now over it, i think, i hope.

I got up all the stuff ive ever kept from her, all the poetry ive wrote about/for her, and pictures and stuffed them in a shoe box. A shoe box that im now planning to put away. To put away for a long time somewhere in my closet. Well, anything that goes into my closet is usually put a way for a long time, seeing it as the jungle it is.

Today is a new start for me. A new beginning for my mending heart. I will find another, somewhere and sometime that will love me as much as i love her. Until then, all i can do is be myself and live my life.

So, later some friends and I are going to the movies and then dinner. I forgot what we are seeing, but to eat we are going to Hooters. Nothing like mean hot wings and breasts, ehh. Maybe that will get my mind off of things.

It starts today...