Hardballkid's journal

"It's going to be alright man, it's going to be alright." Those were the words that were said to me be a complete stranger.

A complete stranger who knew nothing about my recent break-up. A complete stranger who made me think and caused me to stop being so consumed in what had happened. I was in Laguna Beach, sitting on a bench, with hands in my face, wiping the tears, as i was looking out at the docks. Then that wise man spoke those simple, yet meaningful words, as he was walking by, giving me the thumbs up.

What got my was how sincere and genuine he was. I just felt it and saw it with his face. That doesnt mean i wont cry or think about it anymore. But i just will look at this more realistically and perk up for i have a lot more life to live. So, whoever you are, whatever your name is, thanks man. I really appreciate it.

It's the simple things in life that really make life worth living...

This post was edited by Hardballkid on Feb 13, 2005.

Well, another day closer to the weekend and seeing my girlfriend. This seeing her only once a week is really taking an emotional toll on me.

I'll definetly be busy this weekend. Most importantly I have to go and find a Valentines present and figure out what we will be doing that day. Then I must finish my college application form along with the FAFSA. Then I must go out and pound the pavement looking for a job. My bank account is dwindling and at at a point were I need money more than ever. Especially with May fast approaching; Prom and many birthdays in that month. Which reminds me that I have to update my resume and such. Also, have many little unmentionables to complete.

So, that's basically where Im at as of now. Hopefully, ill be alive by the end of this weekend. Good thing Monday is a holiday. Out for now...

Well, now it's final. My dad is married to the same woman for the second time now. Pretty nice wedding ceremony, I suppose. Nothing unusual except the couple themselves. I was happy mostly just because i was able to spend more time with my girlfriend, since lately its only been a once-a-week "love" affair weve been ably to have with eachother. I'm hoping to make big plans next week though. I wanna be able to get together on Saturday...then we'll see eachother on our regular Sunday's...and then Valentine's Day on Monday which we at school get off because of that beautiful man named Lincoln...or is it Washington's?...ohh well same difference...but ya..i want to make something speical happen. Maybe we will experience our first kiss one of those days. We have only been dating a little over a month so, and because we dont see eachother regularly, things have been maybe been going a little slower in our relationship. SuperBowl is on right now, but i could really care less. I have much bigger things on my mind then who is going to capture a trophy and a huge pay raise and fill their ego's all at the same time. A little thing called Life is happening to me and I really need to catch up on it before i get left in the dust. But my girlfriend is taking up much of the time in my mind. I just can't stop thinking about her. I'm almost worrying bout myself and how much she has taken control over me without her even knowing it. I fear how bad of a shape I would be in if she ever finds out how much she deserves more and ends up breaking up with me. That will be the day my world crashes. But what can you do but live your life and hope for the best. The way I try to look at it is that Im just blessed to know her. Thank God for that.

Day by day is how I live my life. Not planning anything and just going with the flow is basically all I do. I like to be spontaneous about things and I almost never set deadlines for myself. Many find this a frustrating fact such as my girlfriend. Even I once and awhile, wonder how I ever get anything done. I just am so laid-back I dont confront or like to take anything head on until it's already to late and I'm driping in sweat from the nervousness of trying to get it done in time. My to-do-lists only consist of having to make to-do-lists. I really understand that I need to priortorize my life in some sort of fassion before my world crumbles. As of right now, I would'nt know where to begin because I am so far behind in my things. Not a care in the world is whatmy life has been for the past 18 years and I fear that this will cause me great grief later in life. I have talents that i would love to pursue later, but if I don't take things seriously and confront my problems then it will all mean nothing. I need this not only for me, but for all those that have put such faith in me that I will go far. I don't want to be just another dissapointment in the world. I'm I being over analytical, or is this a real problem I need to face.

My life is ever-changing. Recently found out that my father has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. However, they have caught it in the earky stages, therefore, they should be able to treat it easily and less invasively. So he is going through all the stages for that with a biopsy being next in line. To go along with this, he is getting married. To make this more interesting, it's with his ex-wife. They have been back together seeing eachother for awhile and have rekindled a new "love" for eachother which is ultimately leading to their second marriage. How nice huh. I have mixed feelings about this and have yet to find a way to deal with it in my own way. My older brothers have by not wanting anything to do with it. Some hostility is brewing in them and they have yet to find a way to trust her once again for, it was her that left my father in the first marriage. So, they will not be attending this "joyous" event know as marraige which is to be taking place this upcoming SuperBowl Sunday. I'm just trying to fully support my father and hope that she doesnt leave him again.

On a happier note, today marks my first month anniversary of me and my love. I am still dumbfounded on how i got so lucky with her. She is the most beautiful, loving, caring, intelligent, and simply the greatest woman i have and most likely will ever meet in my life. She brings out the best im my and I in here. I think God everyday for bringing her into my life, however far this relationship of ours last...hopefully that's till marriage ;-)...

Also, can't forget the fast approaching life changing event I'm soon to experience known as graduation. It isn't till June but at the rate in which this year is going, it's not far off. So, college is in my headlights. I still have not found where I will be attending but i have ones in mind. This reality of having to make new friends, leaving the house, and startting my true adult life has yet to hit me. When it does though, I just hope it doesn't put me unconcious. This life of mine is ever-changing but Im ready for it and will make the best of it as it comes. For thats all I can do. Hopefully i'll have my girl beside me as I go. I think im going to like this new breath of life im going to be taking, i just hope i dont suffocate on it.

About a month ago my life changed for the good. The girl of my dreams that I've wanted for over 3 years has finally found out that i liked her in more than just the friendship we had. She had also like me for a time now. So, it was January 1st when we got together. That day marked a new begening for me. I found out dreams could come true and love does prevail. Now, a month later things are going well but I feel as if I'm wanting to much, too fast in this relationship of ours. Because of school, her working and our lack of cars, we are lucky to see eachother more than once a week. This is not enough for me and I'm losing it trying to make it through each week without her. I'm pretty sure she does not know how strongly I feel for her and I'm almost positive I need her more than she needs me. I just don't want to seem or feel too clingly in the start of our relationship. I wish I could tell her how hard it is for me and see if she has the same problem.