Magicdead's journal

Well, haven't posted a journal entry in a long time, but just felt like it while strooling around on the site.

Well, as you probably know from the thread in the "What rocks" forum, I moved out a year ago. Actually today a year back was the day I signed the contract for the appartement and well, I'm still happy with it and the thought of moving to another appartement has never crossed my mind, even if those suckers did raise the rent twice times now, but it's always been for rational reasons, so yes, no point complaining about it.
I've also been doing sports regularly for the last year, whereas I've never done sports in the rest of my live. Gained some weight due to it (6 Kilos, so that makes me 59 now ^^) and generally feel good. Now I switched from weight-training to muay thai, even made myself a 1.80m heavy bag to practice at homeand well, I love it, when I finish training I feel rejuvenated and it's so much fun. And I mean, many people do this sort of stuff to get rid of their aggressions, but I usually don't have any aggressions and I'm not stressed easily, but I think that makes it even more fun. Putting on some rage against the machine and just getting rid of your powers untill you can't stand straight anymore.

Switched my whole hair style (used to be almost shoulder with for at least 10 years) and am quite happy with it.

me pretending to be cool ^^ I only lack a gun and a worn-out leather jacket to pretend to be a hitman ;)

At first i was afraid that I might look shitty and hair doesn't grow back all thet fast now, does it? But yes, love it and saves so much trouble. Also the best way to cope with my starting male pattern baldness.

Or well, I used to be rather timid, and when I went to parties, it always had to be with friends and after some time, I'd start asking myself "What the hell am i doing here?" and end up somewhere in the back talking with my friends or going home "early" (early means before 3 o'clock in the morning ;) ).
But lately, even that changed. Like some time ago, there where a lot of parties in Zurich and I was out with some friends, we wanted to go to a DnB party, when they met some friends of theirs who were going to a hip hop party, and well, I like listening to hip hop once in a while, but not going to a party, put aside paying for one. So my friends went to the hiphop one, and I went to the Dnb one alone, and damn I had a good time. Or on new years eve, i was at a party with 2 floors (one DnB, one Electro/Minimal) and my friend was staying at the minimal one all night, while i prefered the dnb one, and well, from 5 till 6 am, i was the only guy dancing, with about 20 people around watching (guess they were tired). Was cool, especially cause that way the dj always played what i asked him to play :)

Also I think I've grown up a lot, taking responsibility for my action and my failures, being honest and fair (with myself as well as others) and so on.

Well, basically, it's all I wanted to acomplish for the near future 1.5 years ago (was a little in a "down phase" back then), except maybe, I'm still single, but hey, that's nothing you can force. And even that may change in the not too distant future, with a girl I like moving to the city (she lives like, 300km away) and so on. We'll see ;)

But the funny thing is. it doesn't feel like an acomplishment. It's just the way i am now. It's funny how you always imagine something as being wonderfull and so on, until you get it.

So my question to you guys really is: Does something you really want and finally get has to make you feel like you've accomplished something or is the "I want more"/"I can do more"/"It can still get better" feeling actually the reward for your efforts, knowing that you haven't lost your spirit and are still moving on? Is it really the journey that is the reward, that makes the reward feel humble compared to the journey? And if so, is it better to keep the journey going instead of reaching the goal?
What do you think is the reason that the future usually looks brighter than the past? Maybe because the past is settled and the future is unknown, which gives the feeling of adventure?

Just some questions I've been asking myself lately and I wanted to share with you.

i'll keep working and am thrilled to what awaits in the future ;)

P.s.
Just so you don't think I'm a macho walking around in sunglasses all day:

Well yes, whenever I have stuff that's really bothering me, I like to write a journal-entry in here, so here it goes.

About a month before christmas, I went to a party with someone I met one a forum, we had a lot of fun and we got good friends in an amazing short time.
We shared quite some moments together, shared thoughts and emotions and there are some parts of our beings that are very similar, although there are also many parts that are different, which made it very interesting.
This friend happened to meet a girl and he started to love her a lot. She got (and still is) one of the most important parts of his live.
And because I like him, and he liked her that much, I wanted to get to know this special person he likes that much a little better. So I spent a lot of time talking and chatting with here, en we had very deep-going and emotional talks, her personality and "soul", if you don't care about me using that terminology, resembled a lot of how I was some years ago.
I could tell her a lot about how she is, what she thinks, what her problems are, just because I had experienced it all, too.
But because of this, she eventually really gut affected to me, and I felt a lot of affection towards her, too.

And one day, she admitted to me that she fell in love with me.

This gave me a great feeling, mixed with a very bad feeling, as I knew that my good friend loved her a lot.
She wanted to split up with him, but she couldn't do it, because she just couldn't handle him being hurt.
So she just didn't talk to him anymore for some days, and as I knew that she needs some time alone, I let her not talk to me, too.
My friend, her boyfriend, was worried a lot, because he didn't know what's going on. He worried about her, that something had happened to her, and he needed to talk to someone about it. That someone was me, because he "knew" I'd understand and help him. But as I promised her to not tell him anything, because she wanted to tell him herself, I couldn't relieve his pain.
So this was a very hard time for me, too, as I tried to help him and was worried about him, but I still knew things I couldn't tell him. After this went on for some while, and she still didn't have the heart to tell it to him, He found out that I knew more than I was telling (and I was relieved by that a lot, too) and I made hime find out whats going on.

So he wrote her an SMS, that he knew everything and stuff, and she went to him to talk with him.

After that, I didn't hear anything from her for 5 days, only my friend told me when she visited him again. Out of this I knew whats going on, but 5 days later, she told me that this thing between her and my friend is love, with butterflies in the stomach and all stuff, but that the thing between her and me was something special, that I was her Soulpartner, that it was more than love, but that a relationship just wouldn't work out.

Bang!

Although I thought that things are like this, hearing it from her was a shock. I felt like being hit at the head. I felt like I couldn't keep up a friendship, because i'd always feel kinda sad, but I knew, too, that she wouldn't just "split up" with me. So I told her that I don't want to see her again and stuff (I know, a very childish reaction, but I was very 'sane' at that moment.) She was very hurt, and my friend, who got everthing of it, didn't want to talk to me anymore, because I had hurt his girlfriend so much.

About two days later, I started to realize how childish my reaction had been, and I felt really bad about it, so I apologized to her.
She accepted my apologies and we started to email each other a lot again, talked everthing out and stuff. She hasn't told him, becaused she wanted to keep it a secret (although I'm not quite sure why she wanted to keep it secret).

Last week, we talked again, and she told me that she want's to split up with him because she was irritated and felt 'digusted' by him.
And just after she told me, she started with stuff like "Ah we should meet again", "oh your so sweeeet and nice", and although she told me that she didn't want a relationship in the near future, it felt to me as if she's trying to "get back" to me again, like she's out for a relationship.

And now I don't know what to to. On the one hand, I still feel a little affected by her, because we had all those deep-going talks and stuff like that, on the other hand, it felt like being a toy to me, a toy that you take out of your cupboard whenever you want to.
And I just don't know what to do, I don't want to finally cease contact with her, but I can't meet her/talk to her either, because it feels wrong, untrue, like "Ah it didn't work out with him, so well, I guess I have to give you a try, and if I find something better I'll split up again". Like lyingm, being dishonest, because she suddenly says all those things like me being sweet again.

well comment on it if you like to, otherwise I'll just wait and watch what my heart has to tell to all of this

cya Magic

I got up at 6:20, went on the 7:09 train to university, and met my best friend on the train, we talked a lot and the day started good. Stuff at university was very interesting (Somthing about milk and some other lecture about DNA) and so I spent my whole time listening and enjoyed it.

And in the break i finally quite Haruki Murakami - South of the Border, West of the Sun , a really good book that touched me and made me think a lot.

Then, in teh train home, some girl sat on the seat opposite to mine, and when she eventually sneezed, I said "Bless you" and out of it developed a very good conversation about university, goa-music, holidays and so on. I just enjoyed talking to her.
Later we talked about ourselves, I mean, I complete opened to some stranger. Told her stuff that I usually tell nobody, just because I was happy about this day.
I also told her that she has a beautiful face, just because it really was beautiful. I mean it wasn't just some pick up attempt, I just thought "wow, she has a nice face" and told it to her. There was no intention behind saying it, and that really surprised me.
I mean, usually I say stuff like that only when I want something. But I guess that it's good to do stuff like this, it makes life more colourfull.
I was so occupied talking to her, I didn't even ask her her name. But I'm not sad about it, I'm just happy that I had a nice conversation, that's all that counts :D

And right now I'm being at home, listening to good music, singing, enjoying the day.

And although the weather outside is really miserable and cloudy, I can feel the sund warming my heart...

One Day you're still enjoying Holidays and the next day, you start at university.
Everything has changed. Just 2 hours after starting, i met this really nice girl and made two other new friends.
For the first time of my life I fell like being "integrated", I feel that this is the right place to be.

Yesterday after school I went to some coffee-restaurant with the other girl and we sat there and talked for about 1 to 2 hours. It has bee quite a long time since I talked that good with a girl :) Damn, I really like her :P

And finally, I can join "Japanese I" and the University-Dojo, it's quite cool that they have those things on a technical university.

Haven't felt so naturally happy for long time :)

cya Magic

Well well, as every year in Switzerland, this and next week are Skiing-Holidays... As the name says, it's the time everybody goes into the mountains, skiing.
except for me, I'm not the guys who likes to spend all his money this month for driving ski oder snowboard. And because all my friends are away, these holidays are boring.

just sitting at home all day, doing nothing really.

ok today I worked a little with Maya 5.0.

It's "EVIL Mr. Egghead" (Didn't come up with a better name)
And he IS evil. He puts pieces of paper saying "Kick me" onto your back when you aren't watching. Or he may even go to toilet without washing his hands afterwards. As I said, he's EVIL.
mhh maybe I'll animate him later into a short movie...I got enough time.

what do you do when you got nobody around whom you could do something with?

cya Magic

This post was edited by Magicdead on Jan 29, 2004.

Finally!!!!!I finished tha work on the terraforming stuff...took me a lot of hours writing and about 20 hours laboratory work.

Ok if any of you wan't to read it and understand german, here it is http://mitglied.lycos.de/magicdead/Maturaarbeit-final.pdf (Ok I don't like .pdf, but damn, the word document was like 5.5 megs and the .pdf of it is 800 kb)

well lets see what grade I get

cya Magic