Magnifico's journal

Another sunday night with so very little homework yet done: biology write-ups, essays, history reading on the end of Recontruction in the post-Civil War American South, and all I've got to keep me going is the caffeine. Sweet, sweet caffeine.

The swimming season is officially over, which leaves me with absolutely no obligation to refrain from sweet insanity, the hallucination-inducing habit of staying awake until I get visions (usually in the range of 58-62 hours without sleep). I find that I'm not used to it, because it's been so long, but all I can do is wait it out, and be patient. I've got six hours of kk, Tool, Rammstein, AFI, and Die in Winter on one cd (MP3/Atrac3 cd burner and player from christmas: quel bon cadeau!), half a can of Monster Energy, and a decent-sized workload to keep me going. Nothing left now but to KBO and clear out the fruits of my laborious procrastination. In the manifold hours of freetime I have in the weekend, it's during these next five and a half that I can get the most done. All I want to do is finish, and keep going so that I can truly see once more.

It's not just some childish enjoyment of the pretty colors, you see. It's a reinforcement of my fundamental belief in the power of perception, of how visual stimulation can very much affect external reality in some way, even if not directly. To quote Winston in 1984, If I could make myself believe that I just floated off the floor like a soap bubble, and make you believe the same, then it happened. I've seen my hand push through desks, walls turn into smoke, cans float off of the monitor onto the bookshelf, only to find them back on the monitor later (those sneaky rogues aim only to confuse me). I've watched the faces of people I've known for years suddenly change in some strange way, without truly changing. If I go long enough without sleep, I can see anything and everything. I can lose myself between the sounds; go where no one's been. And one of these days, Maynard, I'll ride that spiral to the end. I may just go where no one's been.

. . . but I've returned, all the same. I haven't been on Netalive in a while because of school and band and god only knows what else, but I'm taking advantage of my sickday by coming back to NAO.

In general, I frequent two forums; one is a hang-out for people I hang out with in real life, many of whom I see every day, and it sort of restricts what I can and cannot say. Here, though, I don't feel any sort of societal pressure to hold anything in, because (excluding Anduril, who I believe has dropped off the radar) I don't know anybody here in real life.

In other news, my new hard drive still hasn't been reinstalled; on the last one, it completely crashed, but not before the partition magically disappeared. I lost a lot of writings, a lot of music, and a lot of websites that I probably won't be able to find again, However, I was fortunate enough to find about two dozen songs, thanks to BeSonic and this guy, as well as a number of CD-Rs that have been hanging out under a bookshelf. Happy day.

Once again, the caffeine takes hold.

The workload from school is agonizing. Again. The workload from swimming is agonizing. For the first time ever. Another essay due in the morning, and it's like the only thing keeping me going is the caffeine.

I feel torn emotionally right now; there are so many things dividing me. I don't think I've got a particularly hard life, but it seems like I just get so overwhelmed by the one thing really biting at me right now, that I am so besieged by despair for just a matter of seconds, that I nearly lose consciousness. I feel weak because of this. It's just that this feeling permeates my very being sometimes, and, coupled with all the crap I have to put up with 8 hours a day, five days a week, that I just sort of lose control for a little while.

I don't feel the rejuvenation from winter that I'm used to. Perhaps because it doesn't feel like winter here yet.

I feel, sometimes, that the elements are conspiring against me, trying to break me. And sometimes I feel stupid for feeling this, for thinking that my lot is so rough. But it's hard to see things from a different perspective with your head down, staring at the cracks.

I fucking hate my caffeine problem. And I fucking hate all of these problems riddling my mind.

It's 4:00 AM here. In 12 hours, I'll be facing a road trip, and fall break; Wednesday through the following Monday, all off.

But before anybody can celebrate the end of the first quarter at our school, the teachers are kind enough to pile on the remnants of what we haven't gotten done. Three essays due, four tests and a handful of quizes in a day, and homework due tomorrow, when everything learned that day will be forgotten over fall break; it adds up. Everybody I know got less than four hours of sleep last night, and I'm up now (obviously working hard, eh?), and will be up until daybreak, no doubt, because I still haven't finished the impossible load. I have an essay to write, a take-home test to complete, and a bio-lab to finish up before I can even think about closing my eyes for more than five seconds.

I hate to bitch. But this is just fecking heinous.

I've been guzzling down lattes made with an herbal tea that contains Yerba Mate; I'm running, at this point, on the most potent caffeine (well, mateine, technically) source on the planet, and it's still not enough. I've been chugging the stoutest of Russian tea (Czar Nicholas Earl Grey; powerful enough to put hair on yer granny's chest, burn it off, and put more on again), and it's still not enough.

So what now?

KBO.
Keep Buggering On.

This year is driving me to insanity. I'm enrolled in some of the hardest classes at my school this year, and it's finally getting to me. I've been a victim of six hour sleeps, while bad nights have left me with two hours or so. Tonight is going to be one of those nights where I'll get about two. I'm having to guzzle disturbing quantities of green tea during the day just to keep my immune system going, as it (along with everything else in my body) is on the verge of crapping out from all the stress. However, the weekly caffeine runs (like the one I just made), coupled with the love of a wonderful girl, have kept me running. I can only pray I last the year. . .

Another weekend passed by with little done. I'm beginning to go nuts, I think: my alarm has broken down, the homework is piling up around me, I'm starting to get sick (the fine folks at the Federal Emergency Management Assosciation or whatever have decided to set fire to all of the plant matter lost in Hurricane Elvis, the great storm that hit us weeks ago, just under a third of a mile from our house).

And yet, I'm winning: I might get to dump Precalculus. Which brings my GPA up to a solid 4.0. Yay for artificial standards of human value!