Martin's journal

Definitions:
forever - 2 years, one month and 23 days
eternity - lasts until just anyone comes along
always - unless noone else whispers about love
destiny - subject to change within 10 days
relationship - use it, throw it
I guess we're facing minor cultural misunderstandings here.

You've found me and you dumped me.
You've shown me home and bounced me.
You've mended my heart and burnt it to ashes.
You've married me and chickened out.
You've made me love you and I do.
What was the meaning of veilen again?

In the end you've done your very best to make yourself what you once were most scared of: just another girl in my life. And still, with all your mindless shit, you didn't quite succeed. Only... how will I ever get my answers, since you dont talk to me anymore?

Dil la' leyah ik bayperva de naal.

How many times can a man lose everything in life and stand up again? What for? I'm so tired. I never expected to arrive at my destination anymore. But finally it came to me, without warning and without looking for it. All of a sudden things became real, which I always denied to be existent, just because I never had it and didn't have the guts to admit I'm longing for it as well. And I was all so hesitant and cautious to allow it to grow in importance to me at all. But everything worth searching for came just to me and introduced itself as my personal purpose of living. It doesn't matter you weren't strong enough to stay, at least I do know you existed. I'm so thankful for that and everything else you've taught me and made me believe in, because sometimes, in moments like this, I can feel there is some deep peace in me below all the dreadful pain. It could have made the most wonderful life imaginable, you were my wife, my lover and my best friend, all in one person, but it wasn't enough for you, the Civil Service Officer in you was never meant to stay. Its not your fault, love, I've got nothing to forgive. It was the best time of my life, and noone can take that away from me again ever. May you find the life and happiness you're so hungry for and cannot find in me, I release you from all your promises, you're free. If you'll ever need a friend, gimme a call. My love and thoughts will always(© kk) be with you. Farewell.

I'm walking down the aisle in the shopping mall. I got no idea how I came here or what I want, I'm just here. People are moving strangely hectic and staccato, like in those early silent movies. Or is it me, who's moving in slow motion? My hearing is sort of numb, everything's just coming in as through a pile of cotton wool. I see faces in my blurred vision. Faces of people rushing by from a nameless origin to another nameless destination doing some useless, insignificant stuff. There are emotions to read on their faces, do they read mine as well? No, if so, someone would stop by.

There is a couple walking hand in hand, laughing about something he said. They're looking into each others eyes and kiss, I feel the urge to vomit. There is a woman, old, with a stoney face, carrying to huge plastics bags left and right. All she wants is to be out of here, rushing by and killing others by her look, who are in her way. There is a young Daddy with a child in a buggy. He's bending down to his kid and smiles at it, while he cleans its face with a tissue. He's so proud of his kid, and I know so well, what he feels. I could just steal the buggy, no?

I'm walking by a coffeehouse, people sitting on the aisle at small tables of glass. There is a guy burying his face in a newspaper, another table with a red haired woman frowning into her coffee cup, which she holds half way to her lips, is she thinking about the argument with her lover last night? Three young guys to the right in tidy suits, post-yuppies, who all look like being cloned. They don't have anything to tell, but are trying desperately to avoid to look at each other. Another couple, mid aged, tourists most likely, who are struggling to keep their two boys at the table. Mum is getting angry and hisses something across the table, one can see the lightning in her eyes, and oh wonder, the boy is suddenly sitting upright and quiet, which doesn't interest Dad at all, who's just staring at the next table, where a young woman in a short skirt and black stockings is having a cup of tea. She's just looking around relaxed and a lil bit provoking. I meet her gaze, but I cant hold it, her green eyes burn holes into my head. I dont want anyone to see my swollen eyes, sticky by the dried salt, so I turn my head away and take another step forward, and another.

Its hard, somehow I have to give orders for my legs to move and they obey only reluctantly. How I wish to have the feeling back, when I felt whole, united and strong, knowing, where I belong. I'm scared to walk on. What lies ahead is nothing but frightening darkness, but I order my legs to move on and on and on. There is a door to pass, first open it, walk through and close it again. That leaves behind everything that was, but as well everything that could have been. Isn't that strange? How can you leave something behind that never happened? Anyway... the cold and rainy Autumn pulls at my clothes. Finally! I dont need to control my tears no more. May the fierce wind take this empty hull and dissolve it into atoms, there's no more use for it anyway, everything is better than this.

This post was edited by Martin on Oct 18, 2004.

This trip was my first ever to an asian state. Though I got quite a few hints beforehand some situations caught me totally by surprise, and not always pleasant ones I should add. In fact the overall impression of this city was really not as pleasant as I expected it. Remember, all the following statements are my personal impressions and reflect in no way any universal opinion or judgement. I explicitly apologize if I should offend anyone by this or related posts.

It was Saturday, 4th of Jan when I left home at 07:00 for Berlin-Tegel airport. I checked in for a 55 min flight to Frankfurt. After almost getting lost (as always!) at Frankfurt airport I checked in for Doha, Quatar. I never before had a flight with Quatar Airways and I can only recommend it to anyone who likes friendly and personal service on long distance flights (unlike Lufthansa)! After 6.5 hours of flight, which took us along the western Iraqui border and just touching the Saudi Arabian peninsula we finally approached Doha Airport.

Since there is 2.5 hours time difference between Frankfurt and Doha darkness had already set in. And what a sight it was! You defintely can judge the wealth of a state/city by the way it illuminates in the night. You defintely could see from flying in only, here is where the money is at home! And ooh.. the scent when I left the plane, what a wonderful air to breath...clean, warm and a mixture of strange spices in the air...I felt reminded of "Tales from 1001 Nights", just strangely wonderful and fascinating at the same time. Think I have to pay this country a visit sometime.

After a few hours of waiting I finally set of for Mumbai, another 3.5 hours flight straight east and 2 more hours time difference. During the flight I had the doubtful pleasure of watching my first Indian movie made in Bollywood. What can I say...I mean, without being too impolite....it was crap! Every 5000 sequel sitcom episode I ever saw has more acting skill per minute than there was in this whole 2.5 hours movie, it was even to bad to laugh about! Anyway, thankfully even that movie had an end and we finally touched down at Mumbai International Airport at 03:25 on the 5th of Jan.

And what a difference it was compared to Doha! Wealth, almost hurting decadence on one side, a dark and threatning moloch on the other. I was warned before of the bad air, but I wasn't prepared at all of what to experience when exiting the plane. At least I understood during the next days why I almost nowhere saw any non-smokers areas. It simply doesn't matter if you smoke or not if you live in Mumbai, cause your health even in the long run wont change to the better if you dont smoke!

The airport itself looked like some Joe's backyard garage really, chaos and planlessness everywhere, unfriendly, not to say hostile military members all over. The immigration process made me feel like being set back in time to my early school days when my teacher tried to tell me how to paint an "a". But I even managed to satisfy this contemporary behind his tank-like desk who used all his might of the uniform to make 100 percent clear who was the customer and who had something to give away in this conversation. At least I got a very good rate later for exchange some Euros to Indian Rupees and gladly left the international part of the airport.

But with this the real adventure just begun...

For a moment I could feel you smile
For a moment I could hear you breath
For a moment I could taste your tears
It's gone
I try to hold tight
But it slips away
Like sand through my fingers
I watch it falling down
Out of site, out of reach

I'm cold

For a moment you were the light
For a moment we were one
For a moment there was a... sense
It's gone
I try to remember it
But it fades away
Like a ring of smoke from a cigarette
I can see it getting blurred
Completely losing shape until it dissolves

I'm empty

For a moment we felt what love is all about
But once you know it you also know
What your're missing when its gone

I've tried to make the time stop
But I failed
The moment is gone, forever lost

Reality? We've made it worse!
The damage is done, I love you

Another 14 days to go.