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So it's god knows how long since my last post, things have just been happening, and i've been having trouble writing lately.
I suppose things have been ok and all, i'm still very depressed most of the time and hate life when im not in the theatre, but i'm coping ok. I've dropped out of uni to do more theatre, which is probably the best decision of my life. On the downside, the more theatre i do the more i realise just how unqualified i am as a tech. But im young, i'll learn in time. You all know me, im a bit of a perfectionist, and i like to do well.
Things that have been getting me down lately...
Well my life is a bit directionless, i'm not working very regularly, and i have no idea where i want to go with any aspect of my life, which isn't always a problem, but lately i've been wanting answers to things more and more.
Also, i've been dropping friends like flies over the past few months. I keep in touch with very few people, and when i'm down it often feels as if there's nobody to call, nobody who would answer, listen and understand. I'm just too afraid of opening myself up to people, still. I havnt even been able to write lately, here or anywhere else for that matter. Sometimes it seems like if i say it, or write it, it'll become more real and harder to manage and ignore.
Im sick of being so disgusted with myself physically as well. Looking in the mirror makes me feel ill and so angry with myself for allowing this to happen. I've joined a gym, a decision i feel good about, despite the fact that it costs so much.
Lonliness is a bitch too. Sometimes it seems like i'm destined to live alone with 87 cats and a rocking chair on my front my porch. I've always thought i was just unwantable. That nobody could ever find me atractive. Thankfully recent days have proved me worng on this front which is a little ripple of hope flowing through my thoughts right now. But theres so many reasons why this shouldnt work out that im avoiding thinking about all that and trying to just enjoy the moments. But firstly theres a substantial age gap, every other little thing i can talk away, but im choosing to ignore this one.
So i dont know where this is all going, but suffice to say that despite all the shit around me, today i feel like i can wake up in the morning and get ready to face the world, regardless of how much i might dislike it.
It's all happening at the moment my friends. Thought I'd drop you a line of happiness, something that doesn't seem to happen all that often here. I've officially started university and I am loving it. I'm studying Classical Mythology, Texts and Contexts, Read and Writing Literature, and The Language of Performance. It's awesome. Basically I've already read almost every text i have to study over the next semester over the past few years so I can stad back and chill for a while...
Well I could if I wasnt currently in the middle of (drum roll please..) my first paid production as a Lighting Designer! I've made it! Finally! My ex-high school are finally paying me to come back and light up their shows. It's fantastic.
I'm meeting a whole heap of new people and the beginnings of a posse are forming with my uni crowds. the Arts society ball is coming soon at the end of March, which should be very entertaining: it's a fetish theme... I've joined all the various theatrical societies and am basically set to be lighting guru for all of them a great deal of the time which shall really help out my resume. One thing i'm particularly excited about is being lighting operator for Improvisation Nights. Designing lighting completely on the fly will be really beneficial for me, should really improve my instincts.
Over the past few months i've become very close to my friend Merryn which is just amazing. I think i've learnt to trust people NAO...
In other news, i'm almost positive that my father is having a midlife crisis... his latest purchases include a large baby grand piano and a new P.A. system for his band. Bose. They're awesome. they're inspiring me to learn about sound engineering.
So, that's a brief look at my post high school life, which i must say is going very very well. Currently the only small complaint i personally have is lack of romantic life, which i smore obvious to me now as Merryn is dating another good friend of mine, but like i say a very small complaint. So this i smy perspective from life at my fathers home.
Life at my mothers home is less happy. My mother hasn't changed and probably never will. Her mother just had major spinal surgery, and is very shaky at the moment. Her father has alzhiemers and so cannot be on his own while my grandmother is in hospital, so my grandfather is currntly staying at my mothers house. my mother expects me to be living there at the moment to look after my grandfather, but due to this production i simply cannot be there. I can walk from my fathers house to the theatre, but i cant do this from my mothers. i really dont like walking around her neighbourhood at night. So i'm letting my mother down, again. Life at her house is considerably more stressful, so i recently made the decision to live predominatnly with my father which she is very disappointed and angry about, but it's something that i have to do.
Despite this, I genuinely feel like a can cope with this. I am coping. I will cope.
So that's my little update for you all.
So it appears my brain is a nasty thief. with all thats been happening (parental separation, ill grandparents, fathers girlfriends etc) i've ben feeling rather insane and unable to express myself. on one of my worse nights i finally cried myself to sleep and when i woke up my thoughts were collected and the bgeinnings of this poem flowed straight from me.
structure taken from the deligthful Kyle Bellamy, one of our resident poetic genius'. please check out and rate his poem Now I Know My ABCs if you like this structure.
As always, this has many flaws still, and this is why it's not in the poetry forum. namely i don't like E, M and X amongst a few other letters. work in progress. Also it's here in my journal, because, well, it's personal, and it's certainly a journalistic self reflection.
Arrange yourself to hide the sorrow
Arrange yourself to hide the flaws
Arrange yourself to store your anger
Arrange yourself for something more
Bind your heart so you canít find it
Bind your heart so it canít break
Bind yourself in cold embraces
Bind yourself in a mistake
Console a friend whoís lost their lover
Console a bird whoís lost their way
Console the face thatís in the mirror
Console yourself in your dismay
Drain the land so it is barren
Drain the water from the bowl
Drain your blood til you are hollow
Drain yourself so you are whole
Exonerate yourself from burdens
Exonerate and free your soul
Exonerate yourself from disgrace
Exonerate to gain control
Fill your days with empty boxes
Fill the boxes with your days
Fill yourself with hidden nothings
Fill yourself with leaves of May
Grasp onto the ones who love you
Grasp until you must let go
Grasp your hands on empty spaces
Grasp and hold to dull the blow
Hope that you wonít wake tomorrow
Hope it all has disappeared
Hope that you will find the answers
Hope that you can quell your fears
Innocently block the problem
Innocently close your eyes
Innocently see the damage
Innocently fake surprise
Justify to them your actions
Justify your rights arenít wrong
Justify why you donít want to
Justify where you belong
Keep the secrets locked inside you
Keep the flowers so they die
Keep a moment held forever
Keep it and your smileís a lie
Listen to the voice behind you
Listen so you hear the roar
Listen to yourself here crying
Listen curled up on the floor
Multiply the cells inside you
Multiply the red and white
Multiply to solve the problem
Multiply to win the fight
Notice chaos all around you
Notice peace while it still lasts
Notice eyes locked onto nothing
Notice changes from the past
Obscure your pain so they canít see it
Obscure the path to unseen bliss
Obscure yourself to be empty
Obscure yourself so youíre not missed
Perform a show for the curtain
Perform and play fantasies
Perform the prologue standing tall
Perform the end on your knees
Quickly run, donít look behind you
Quickly rid yourself of blame
Quickly close your mind to anger
Quickly lock the door to games
Rescue someone frail and fragile
Rescue them before they fall
Rescue faith in something better
Rescue you and hear your call
Steal a sob from crying others
Steal a look you shouldnít see
Steal a strand of silken pleasure
Steal the grief so they are free
Tell a secret so provoking
Tell it so they understand
Tell yourself itís worth the effort
Tell no one your secret brand
Unadorned you stand before them
Unadorned you sob and weep
Unadorned you beg for silence
Unadorned youíre theirs to keep
Violently tear down the banners
Violently rain on parades
Violently they tore your heart out
Violently theyíll be repaid
Wipe your blame off from your conscience
Wipe yourself a brand new slate
Wipe it clean of all the anger
Wipe, donít dwell on past mistakes
X-plain away your motivations
X-plain until your throat is hoarse
X-plain that you are more than humbled
X-plain that youíre filled with remorse
Yearn the day will soon be over
Yearn to stay and yearn to leave
Yearn to leave it all behind you
Yearn to get a sweet reprieve
Zero options all around me
Zero choices left to make
Zero time left now to save me
Zero life left now to take
** Began writing this on 13/12, finished it today... I've been busy.
I got my final results today. last night i couldnt sleep.
breathe mel, just breathe.
tossing and turning in my bed, finally feeling the oppression of the red sheets i lay between. funny, i remember the way the colour sang to me when i bought them, and how i could feel it holding me as i fell asleep, protecting me from my fears, enveloping me in warmth.
the heat was constant and preyed on my mind, found and tormented my anxieties, until the pounding of my heart was matched with the pounding in my head.
i finally fall into a fitful burst of sleep at 5am. at 6:30 am my phone chirps me awake, letting me know that my future is a mere sequence of buttons away.
menu, *, yes
it's all there in front of me
International Studies: A, A, A+
Further Maths: A, B+, A+
Theatre Studies: A+, B, A+
i can't believe i aced the written exam. The B for my monologue performance is disappointing, but i'd redied myself for it, so i continued to scroll.
Literature: A+, A+, B+
i'm stunned at my B+ for the exam. surely they realised i wrote on a text i hadn't even studied in class?
Art: A+, B+, A
History, Revolutions: A, A, D+
the D+ is momentarily crippling. i've never recieved a grade like that before. why now, why did it have to happen when it actually counts. i'm suddenly angry at myself for not having done more. for only completeing about 30% of the exam.
and then i see my ENTER score. my final score. the number that is given to universities across the country for them to decide my future with.
Good Lord. I'm completely stunned. thats about 10 points more than i was expecting. that's a high enough score to get me into my desired university course without any special consideration for the actions of those parentals of mine.
For a moment, I must admit, I am dissappointed. Under normal circumstances I know my score would have been around 93, as a minimum. But I tell myself it's not my fault. And I'm happy.
I feel proud of myself.
The next day my GAT (General Achievement Test) results arrive. I scored 45 in Written Commication (top 2% of the state) and in the top 8% for Maths & Sciences as well as Humanities & the Arts. Whilst I wish my school & exam results were as good as the GAT results, i'm still very, very pleased.
I survived high school, and did it in style.
This post was edited by MelMel on Dec 15, 2005.
On November 11 I finished the last of my exams, which means that I officially finished and survived high school. I survived. There were so many times when I thought I wouldn't, but I did.
So, now I'm in the real world. I can't run and hide from life any more, well I shouldn't at least. But years of conditioning and practice make it so hard for me to establish any kind of meaningful relationship. I push friends away, subtly so that i don't ever tell them what's going on inside me. And, what's truly bugging me tonight is my relationships with guys. i have plenty of guy friends, and i'm just so used to being everyones little sister that i cant change out of that routine. Part of me is happy thee, but part of me isnt.
years of being told how unattractive i am have led me to truly believe this. nobody could ever want me, and im not saying this in an attention-seeking-please-tell-me-how-great-i-actually-am kind of way. So when guys do show interest i just shut them down again and again thinking that they must be playing some kind of sick joke on me.
Most of the time, i can handle being alone. it feels right, but sometimes, like tonight, i sit here longing for someone to connect with.
I was at a gig for the band that i light the other night and i know i could've picked up any number of guys that night. but i want more than some srunken one night stand. i need someone who can look at me and talk to me sober and straight and still want to be with me. i dont want to be someone elses regret.
sorry about this post by the way, im still trying to recover my 'voice', i lost it by not writing at all for a few months, so my tone is tending to be a bit erratic at the moment. this also peeves me, because my writers voice was one of the few things i was proud of.
I'm not really sure what the point of this post is so i'll try to avoid talking in circles. I guess i'm just getting more and more tired of being alone here each day. every day is just another handful of people coming to me with their problems and refusing to listen to mine. theres nobody i can just phone and chat to. nobody to hold me and tell me that my family's collapse isnt my fault. nobody to tell me that i'm special and that my life is important. it makes me wonder why i bother to listen to them at all.
it's so tempting to just pack my bags and run away. ruun so far that nobody would ever find me, so that i could start a new life, or just disappear.
But i know that my problems are all self generated, i know that. there's something inside of me that wants me to fail repeatedly at everything.
I just wish that for once, just once I could take a chance.
in the end, i guess i'm even more of a coward than all of those people who i 'help'.
This post was edited by MelMel on Dec 05, 2005.
I had planned to quietly disappear from NAO, but then realised this was rather rude, particularly to those who read my more recent posts and may worry unnecessarily. It's difficult to explain but I need to take a long, long break from here. This is not because of anyone here in anyway, but is for myself. I've allowed myself to slip into a state of nothingness, and now i must drag myself up again. I won't be back for quite some time, but i promise you that when i do it will not be to overflow the journal forum with maudlin ramblings.
i want life.
Thankyou all for the support you have shown me over the past two years and I will never forget it. Particularly thanks to Null, Zen, w0lf, Jaz, Aynjell, Rosy, Andromacha, GDW and so many more.
i also want to wish Rosy all the best and i hope this stalker business sorts itself out. remember that i love you.
i love you all and carry you in my heart.