MelMel's journal

I laid it all out for her... And i couldnt stop her or myself.

We're unhealthily close and i worry. We're all we have and we're falling apart.

Rate this as you will... If you read it at all.

I have little hope, ambition or desire anymore... In any of lives.

This is goodnight.

-Mel.

What with valentines day rapidly approaching and lack of significant other in my life, or the life of my freidns, we're all being each others valentines. how quaint. Rachel's contribution was poems to us all. mine is as follows...

Beautiful
in a coarse, sensual
alonesome way; she’s a
self-contained unit.
Blacklyhumoured, throwing
puns and wordplay over her shoulder
into normal conversation; however,
scrawls like a chicken.
Immune to over-the-counter (pain)
killers and prone to bouts of self doubt;
when I think of you, in bed, late at
night, it’s a silent play of flashphoto
imagery: waves of hair,
a pale oval Madonna face,
a pinkly lipped rose.

i feel special. i've never had a poem written about me before.

rats. now i have to come up with something good. at the moment every one is getting cheap tacky notebooks written in Engrish. novelty factor being high from this... but not overly thoughtful.

i wish i could write, or draw or something...anything... creative.

-Mel

This post was edited by MelMel on Feb 12, 2005.

That's right, i lived out every teenagers dream: attending a music festival. the biggest music festival in Melbourne is Big Day Out. And it was good. I "rocked out" and did all those things i'm supposed to. AND: i didn't have to spend any money on pot thanks to simply being able to "passively" smoke it thanks to all those around me.

in other news... i seem to have henna'd my left breast to say "SEXY". Hrmmm... i really have no idea why, it's very unlike me. i'm going to blame the passive pot.

I moshed like i've never moshed before to Melbourne-girl-ramonesque band The Spazzys. I vaguely moved around to Evermore, whom i have fallen in love with. I managed to get about 4m away from Powderfinger who were definite highlights for me. (their guitarist is the most beautiful man i've ever laid eyes upon in real life). i sonrted with glee and laughter at the antics of the Beastie Boys.

It was good.

I felt normal.

I'm going again next year.

-Mel

I have finished my second last year of school. i recieved my results yesterday. this year, i did two final year subjects: International Studies and Further Maths. i managed to be in the top 12% of the state for both of these.

Wow.

I'm kind of stunned and estatic.

Gee, isnt finding out that your peers have no respect for you wonderful! It surely will help my crippled self esteem recover! Let me try to calm myself whilst i explain the events of the past few days.

Last night was my theatre monologues. A 7 minute solo performance. Me up there by myself being watched and judged. I cannot think of a single thing more horrendous. I had been dreading the event for months. Whilst others view the evening as an excuse to get attention from others, to me it was a chance to prove my inferiority to the world, to my world.

I wored hard, really hard on my monologue. I was doing the character of phaedra from 'phaedra'. In my monologue phaedra tells her stepson she is in love with him and contemplates suicide after he says that he is in love with someone else. It is a very dramtic emotion piece. I chose this monologue out of a hat as there was nothing there that i could do well.

Ive spents weeks building myself up to it. Most of these people have never seen me show emotion. I've had many a sleepless night spent tossing and turning, trying to work out if i have the guts to do it.

I almost did too. The beginning of my my monologue was me crying whilst washing my hands and face while sigur ros's "dogun" played in the background. At this point i was hyperventilating with fear. That worked with the whole crying thing though so i was able to control myself and perform the rest of it. I still held back somewhat though. I just couldnt do it. It was one of the most traumatic experiances of my life.

I felt so naked afterwards. It was terrifying, i was so afraid. I didnt think i could ever face anyone again. But somehow i managed to get up in the morning and go to school. My anonymity (eeep, i cant spell) had crept back with the night. People had forgotten me already thank god.

Then today in thetra we were all sitting around do nothing (it was hot...32Degrees!) And david (in my theatre class, also did a mono last night... Quite talented and popular) made some crack about how all i am is an 'alternative cynic'. In the less than one second i had to decide how to react the room went silent and everyone looked around elsewhere. Nobody was going to support me. Nobody wanted to get involved. Even my teacher just looked away. Seeing this i realised that they have no respct for me so i shelved my pride and laughed along at the joke that everyone knew was not a joke.

There were so many comebacks floating around my head that my tongue was eager to taste... But no. Now i still hunger, i hunger for the respect of my peers. I want people to realise that i too am human. Is that too much to ask?

-Mel

My wide eyes blink.
My lashes flutter
Innocently.
My mouth stretches into a
Secretive smile.
Look in my eyes
And know me for what I am.
I am whatever
You want me to be.

I cannot be what
I want.
I cannot have what
I want.
I am
Unworthy.
Not good enough
For you
Or for anyone.
I hide behind my
Smile.

I want you to notice me.
I am a little girl
Screaming for your
Attention and affection.
Love me
Like me
Notice me
I am not strong enough
To do this on my own.
I need
You.