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Man, i hate stress. That feeling that wields the power to completely control your life. It surrounds you and pulls you down, threating and taunting you. And you submit. You are entirely at its command. You fall soundelssly into a heap on the ground where you will never rise from again.
It consumes you.
With every struggle you sink deeper, and shrink until you feel so small and insignificant you wonder whether the stress is worth it all. You find yourself thinking that it's really not worthwhile. And with this thought the stress towers above you, completely indiferent to your destruction. But you are destroyed nonetheless.
The first thing stress destroys is your ability not to destroy yourself.
Do you ever wonder what it is that you live for? Do you live merely to exist, or is there something, or even someone else that casuses you to get up and keep going each morning?
I am so terribly competitive, if i do not believe i can win, i will not enter. If i cannot dominate, i will not participate. The problem is (yes, there's a problem...It wouldnt be a melmel journal entry if there wasn't!) I am not good at anything. Oh, well, i shouldnt say that, i am just above average or average generally in most things, but its still not good enough.
I wait for the day when i will stand up and be recognised. But i do tire of waiting. I dont know how much longer i can hold out.
I take on small projects which i know i can do, and do well... But lately they have been falling through. Or my assistance is no longer required and it is done without me.
I'm beginning to think that there is no point in my being here. I dont seem to offer anything to life.
It has always been a habit of mine to simply leave if there was nothing for me to do. I cant bear to wait around awkwardly hoping that something will come my way. But now when i dont see any point in my existence i dont know what to do. Its not that i necessarily want to end my life. Im just confused about what to do.
I need a new way to deal with things. And i need to think of it now before i go into a low agin. Im bordering on one right now.
Oh, i'll figure something out...
I've done this once before...ok, so i do it all the time, but it's time to type random crap and see what is inside of me at the moment.
i quite like doing this, simply writing, not planning. it's amazing what i actually do end up writing about. it helps me see what im focussing on, and what i should be focussing on.
im currently listening to "baby blue" by Little Birdy. Little Birdy are this great Perth band my friend Rachel introduced me to.
Am I too young for you babe,
Am I too stupid to see...
i've had those two lines going around my head for quite some time now. what is it about youth/innocence/naivety that is so appealing to guys. you know, someone had the nerve to say that one of my best features was my "innocence". it really gave me the shits that he thought he could say that. and he's pretty much a stranger too.
i know its true though. i am entirely naive, pure, childlike, whatever sexually. im sorry, but so fucking what? i dont understand why that seems to matter so much to people. i advertise the fact that im a virgin and all of a sudden im "Fobidden fruit". i guess i do abuse it too, so i kind of ask for it. but yes, it still shits me.
i refuse to lose my innocence (whatever you view innocence as) until i find other qualities about myself that i like...must. keep. pride.
The Next Day
well, it is now the next day. i gave up writing this post to talk to people on MSN. i looked up at the clock, and it was 5am! How did that happen?!
im gazing around my bedroom, articularly at the walls above me bed (my bed is in corner). they are covered in:
-Johnny Depp posters (ok, so it's a predictable start...but it gets worse/better from here...)
-random pirate posters
-pop art posters
-Spot, and Cookie monster cards (Cookie Monster is the coolest. no debates)
-Care Bear cards
i am possibly the most ecclectic person i know. possibly. prove me wrong ;)
but then one must also consider what is on my playlist at the moment...
-Avenue Q (Broadway musical, sesame street parody)
-Songs for a New World (awesome musical...actual musical quality in it! :o )
-Tripod (Melbourne comedy trio)
-Area 7 (Aussie Ska Band)
-Elbow (Coldplay-esque band...kind of...very trippy)
And a couple of other random bits and pieces.
Speaking of musicals, i was supposed to audition for a production of Les Mis today...but i couldnt make it, transport problems. Im so disappointed, i really, really, wanted to go. i wanted to be judged outside fo the school environment where nobody has any respect for me as an actor or a singer. oh well, I own the Bio-Box. It's mine :D Back off!!
i wanted to decorate the bio-box with photos and posters and postcards and other wierd and wonderful stuff...but my theatre teacher wouldnt let me...apparently it's a place of work...*snorts loudly and obnoxiously*
back to the audition, i hadnt actually decided what songs to do, so maybe it was a good thing i couldnt make it. i had chosen one of the songs though. its such an awesome song. i may have to find an opportunity to perform it - wearing a paper bad over my head. it does have a certain novelty factor, and the song really suited my voice, dammit :( have a read...
I was just seventeen
When you rode into town
Just a girl full of fantasies and longing
I saw you
I knew I had to be with you
Then you looked in my eyes
And you asked me my name
And I trembled before you like a baby
Then gently I kissed you
Who could resist you?
You took my heart and soul
And before I had a chance to take control
We retired to your palace on the Pole
Where we only had ourselves
And the reindeer and the elves
And a lot of things we never said
About the life I could have led
If I had had the sense to stay away
But here we are Nick
And so Nick
I know it's time for you to go Nick
I know by now I'll never claim you for my own
I've been resigned to spend my Christmases alone
And so au revoir Nick
It's grand Nick
I don't pretend to understand Nick
I saw you look at Blitzen long and lovingly
The way you used to look at me
I have sat twenty years
In this drafty retreat
As the latest in the line of Mrs. Clauses
I've sat here
And wondered what you want from me
But you sit by yourself
On the couch in the den
And you watch "Miracle on 34th Street"
You get sad and dreamy
Can't even see me
Won't even say, "Hello!"
Now you tell me that it's time for you to go
Sling your sack upon your back and "Ho, ho, ho!"
And what matters most of all
Is to sit inside some mall
And you never think of me
While I am pining by the tree
But never mind
I will survive
While you are gone
I set you free, Nick
Go ride your reindeer through the sky, Nick
I don't suppose you'll ever want me by your side
I know you now
You want a plaything, not a bride
So on your way, Nick
Don't feel the need to hurry home, Nick
Should I want comfort in the cold and bitter storm
I've got the elves to keep me warm
Oh, oh, Nick, I didn't mean it. I'm just going crazy all cooped up in here! Oh, Nick, I mean, come on, I'm not even German.
Please take me with you. Please! I'm your wife damn it. Isn't there one once of human decency buried beneath all those layers
of fat? You disgust me! Oh yes, It's so easy to judge, isn't it? Deciding who's naughty and who's nice? Well, who died and
left you God, Mr. Claus? Hmph.
But never mind, Nick
I hate to keep you from your sleigh, Nick
When you return I will be many miles away
I'll have my lawyer call your lawyer
New Years Day!
That's all from me, Nick
Gain way, Nick
I'll miss you less than I can say, Nick
Have fun with all the little boys along the route
I'll get the mansion and the factory to boot
I will not wait until the snow beneath me thaws
I will escape
Your Santa claws!!
ok, so maybe im not 17 yet, and im not married to Santa, but it is still cool nonetheless. it has the perfect amount of shameless melodrama for me.
woah, anyone still reading has been treated to TWO nights of random crap. but then again, random crap is what i do best :)
My friend rachel, or entertainus i think she is as an NAOee, is highly possibly going to be on a t-shirt. her friend entered a competition to design a t-shirt and used one of her photos. how great would that be, we could all wear rachel on our breasts! They're in the top ten, and they have a damn good chance of winning IMHO
have a look here it's the "Open Your Eyes" one. the good one ;)
im not in very thoughtful mood at the moment, so i think i'll just leave this post where it is.
This is something like the conversation held between me and a friend.
Me: Fuck! i have so much work to do, and three hours to do it...great...
Him: dont swear!
Me: why ever not?
Him: it's rude
Me: *snorts loudly and obnoxiously*
Him: and it's a real turn off when girls do it
Me: oh, my aim in life is to turn people on. *searches for off switch*
Him: *raises eyebrow* oh god...
Me: dont blaspheme
Him: why ever not?
Me: it's rude!
Game, Set and Match to Mel.
This is the first of one of many letters i am too gutless to send, containing things i am too gutless to say. However, it's important to me that i do somethig, so even though i know these epople will never read them, or if do they wont know it's to them, i still need to write it for someone to read. Anyone.
you don't know me. You dont know anything about me except what you have been told. And that is not your fault. That is all mine. It is certaintly not from lack of trying on your behalf, but understand that i must be distant. I cannot allow anyone, particularly a teacher like yourself, to see weakness from me. I must be strong.
That is why i want to know why you said what you did. Why did you tell the whole class the story about the girl whose brother finished school last year in the top 2% of the state, and how the girl would not do as well because though she had the potential, she did not have the riht "work ethic". Did you believe i would not see your meaning, even though you pulled me aside the previous day to tell me that i had the intelligence to do well, but i lacked potential?
Or was that you wanted me to see through it. Wanted me to collapse in front of a class full of students older than me and run sobbing from the room. But i forget, you dont understand me. You dont know that i will never allow myself to cry. Not in public, and not even in private.
Whatever you hoped to achieve, you failed. What you succeeded in doing was this:
You have lost my trust and respect. Oh i still respect you as an excellent international studies teacher, but don't respect you as a person anymore. What sort of person does that to a student? Namely a student such as myself. Oh thats right, you staff don't think i have problems, im just another angst ridden teen.
I'm not. It's ironic, if i had the strength i pretended to have i would be dead by now. I would have plunged the knife that ive held trembling deep into my flesh and been at peace. But i cannot bring myself to do that. I content myself with watching blood dribble down from shallow cuts and scratches whilst thinking wistfully of sleep.
So far i have told you what you do not already understand, if you dont get that then at least remember this. I love my brother so much. He is my best friend. Im so rpoud of him for achieving what he did. But i am not him. I am not as talented or intelligent as him. That does not make me love him anyless. If i can deal with my inferiority, then i think you can too.
I want you to imagine looking at my eys at this point. Thats right, my big brown sorrowful eyes. And imagine them sharpened, staring deep into yours, sucking power out of your body and putting it into mine.
That is what i can do. I can make you feel as bad about yourself as youhave to me. I can haunt you thoughts and takeover your emotions with feelings of guilt and anxiety.
But i dont want to. I want you to say "oh mel, im so sorry, i didnt think it would have this effect on you. I didnt think at all, i just wanted to motivate you to try harder, i wont do it again" and you know, you probably would if i had the courage to talk to you.
But there is still the chance that you wont. And that chance is what keeps me in silence. Preventing me from relief.
I hate what you said and i dont care why you said it. But i still cant bring myself to hate you.
Allow me to be mediocre. Im tired of trying to be anything else. Im tired of everything.
So please gus, no more. You know nothing of my capabilities. You have barely known me for two months. You will never know my capabilities until you know why i froce myself to limit them. And i dont think you will will ever know that.
I set my own standards. They not yours, not my brothers, not jeanettes. They are mine.
I've often wondered about whether or not i am a bad person, and the answer has become blaringly clear in the past few day. I am.
What if i told you i was in a position which simply allowed me to control everything. Oh dear, im not doing a very good job of explaining myself...This will be a long and tedious post, but once again, beneficial for me to write.
Lets wind back the clock and go from the start. I was in my second last year of primary school (in australia we have primary school, secondary school, and then university; simple enough) and i placed all mytrust into my dearest freind. However i was not her only best friend, her other friend despised me and was a general bitch, andmy friend refused to stand up for me at all in any form, yet i never asked to her do anything against her friend or to make a choice between us. I am still best friends with this girl, and she is lovely, sweet person, however she is not strong enough to stand up to comeone like that, but she is getting better.
I learnt not to trust again. I don't know whether that was the right decision or not, but it was my decision by god have i stuck to it. Its been five and a bit years now. After that year of, errrr, enlightenment? I changed schools. I went to the same school that i was going to for secondary school though so it wasnt that drastic, just changed a year early. However i knew it was final year of primary school, i wouldn't get any friends, everyone was busy enjoying their friendships they'd fromed over all these years. So i used the opportunity to watch, listen and learn. I spent a year developing the person i am now.
I realised that i was born with a wonderful ability. I can read people, interpret what they're saying and what they are not saying. So i used this skill to my advantage. Theres something to proud of hey.
Anyway, with these sills deeloped i was able to completely separate my inner self from my outer self.
So now after those five and a bit years, i am perfected. I can plan everything i do and say. I know what the consequences of everything i do and say will be so i plan my next move also. I try not to get too ahead of myself because after all, time allows for change.
I have never taken a risk since starting this...Enterprise. I have never been in a situation i cannot control. And i have only been wrong about a conclusions once. I survived that because the thing i was wrong about only effected me really, so didnt spiral other events, however it was a bit of a blow to my sense of security, but im better still now.
Except for one thing. I told someone. I thought that they had placed a level of trust in me enough that they deserved to know. They deserved to know that i planned our friendship from day one. That until niw, i had been controlling, manipulating even, everything. And i trust them enough to tell them.
There is one other person who simply always knew. Didnt have to say anything, she just knows me too well. It hink we are similar in alot of ways.
Anyway as a result of my telling this person, gah, may as well tell you, you'll find out soon enough, it's jeanette, another person found out. A person who i'd always kept at a distance because of her ability to read people. She was a threat to me, yet i feel strangly comforted almost now that she knows. I think she understands better then most.
So now, three people know, and they all play pivotal roles in my life, well, rather, i play pivotal roles in their lives...But now i have handed over some control. And to put it quite simply i dont feel safe anymore. I am not in control. I need to get it back. I feel sick inside now.
I am afraid.
I have to get this control back. I need it. And i dont know how. Ahh, the irony, if i'd taken any risks before now i would probably know how to react to this.
And i knew, i knew i shouldn't have said anything. But i also knew that wasn't fair and that jeanette deserves the truth. She deserves to able to make her own decision about whtether she wants to stay with someone as emotionally barren, and corrupt, as me.
So know i think i know what to do to take control. But it involves me taking another step down the road to being a completely manipulative bitch. But i think i'll have to do it.
I am a terrible person, and i apologise deeply for this. I have used you all. And i am just so sorry. And i cant make it up to you. But i will say that i have never lied here, everything i have said has been the truth, it's only the timing and tone which i have pre-planned.
So, basically this is where i stand at the moment:
Because i have not allowed my inner self to show in so long i dont know who it is. I have roughly five different personalities i can put on at the drop of the hat, which are all elements of me, but thats all i have. All i know is that whatever the inner me is, its a selfish manipulative bitch.
I have allowed people into my secret, my defense, my security. So i ned to develope further. However, i think this much is under my control once again.
Jeanette will need time away from me, and away from my scrutiny. And i will need time away from her to ensure that the necesary changes i make to myself are subtle.
I dont think much will change with the other person i told, merryn. She was surprised at the depth of me, but then again, most people are. People quite simply dont see me to be capable of the intelligence to pull of something like this. But they're not meant to. All part of my plan...
But the next month or so wil require very careful consideration. By giving away control, i am placed in a reactionary position, so all i can do is plan responses, when normally, i like to moving the chess pieces as well.
Well, there we go. This is me. I'm stripped bare and defenceless basically. All i can do is await all your judgements.