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Well, my second last year of school has begun. I started on thursday. Not much else to say about that really. Unsure what to think. I was expecting a whole heapd of work and stuff...But that hasn't happened yet. I guess i'll just take it as it comes. Which im not overly pleased about.
I hate being left in the responding position. I wouldn't really call myself an agressive person, even though i may appear to be, but i do like to know what is happening in my life. I am a very calculating person, i am very rarely surprised about anything really. I think, i've been surprised about something in my life once.
But i dont know what to do when i cant calculate what will happen next. I can normally allow for every possible conclusion and sort out what to do next accordingly. Which is what i've done with school. At least i can draw few conclusions there. but yeah, i think i've already posted about this. and i do try not to double up on posts. but im sort of selfish here, if i post about the issue or theme or whatever twice it just means its a recurring thing for me. myeh, you don't have to read it. i use this site as a personal thing as well. alot of what i write has little benefit to anyone else, and i realise this, and i apologise, but this is the only place i write and i need it.
i went to see a musical type thing (well, it's really a song-cycle) friday night. "songs for a new world" it was...fantastic. completely took my breath away. one of my brothers friends Adrian was in it and he was superb. i'd only met him once before at a friends party and spoke to him for most of the night, him being the other other theatre nerd present. he raved all night, but i was still pretty skeptical. but the music was fantastic, the way it conveyed the emotion, and the vocal harmonies were simply exquisite.
lol, i wonder if adrian will read this. all he'd have to do is plug in his name and "songs for a new world into google and he'd get it. maybe i should stick the word "Review" in once or twice. review review, there we go. that's three. then he can wonder who the hell i am :)
but anyway, back to my rave-ing. there were four performers to girls, one blonde one brunette (too lazy to look up their names)and two guys, one adrian, and one...not. once again too lazy to look up names. anyway, without being predudiced, adrian and the brunette were the best. i felt that the blonde and the other guy didn't have as much expression. i dont think they were used to working in small spaces where the audience is right there in your face. i was seated front row centre and in the opening song the blonde looked at me and gave a little smile. now i know that im a shocking audience member as im literally studying and judging them. but i felt that was a bit unprofessional. but as i said, im shocking, i know have this terrible look on my face but its just that im in this state of intense concentration.
ok, back to analysis, the blonde had an excellent voice an expressive eyes. however the lighting wasn't fantastic so her face was in shadow alot of the time. and the make-up had not accounted for that either, her eyebrows needed to be darkened so we could see them more.
the brunette was...fantastic. her characters were quite simplistic but she was in character the moment she walked out on stage and she played them well. her voice was amazing and she launched into the emotional melodramatic parts with ease, yet somehow kept a real feeling to them. her expression was excellent as was her acting range.
the other guy, was good but as with the blonde i felt he was used to work in larger, less intimate theatres. he had a great jazz voice and i loved it, but he didnt seem to have much of a presence to me. he had small eyes which were good for his characters but didnt help with his expression, however he handled me looking at his eyes a lot better then the others. he was experianced and knew the value of gesture.
ok adrian. i seriously think he was the best. ok his characters were closer to his age and probably more relevant to him then the others were, but he played them rally well. his presence was great, you could feel him there. i have to say, he was pretty hot too. ;) his voice was excellent. very powerful. i dont think he needed the mic. he used the shonky low-budget lighting the best. he looked up and out so we could se his face yet also connected with the audience. however, i have to say we got some small smiles from him as well. but im more understanding about that when you know the audience members, but its still not desirable. but yeah, he was fabulous.
i just re-read this and am laughing at my use of adjectives.
what else is new in my life. not a whole heap really. i am going to see a production of Christopher Hamptons "Les Liasons Dangereuses" on Tuesday, should be good. i read the orginal by Laclos and a copy of Hamptons script and it looks pretty good.
well, thats todays drivel. hmm, i think i'm turning into a braindead. well not really a braindead, im just becoming selfish. i'll try to make my topics more beneficial to those who dont want to read my crappy posts.
Ok, i've decided to try doing one of those things where you start off with one thought and keep going with whatever tangent you mind comes up with. So i warn you all now that chances are it wont be very interesting. Feel free to stop reading right about...Now.
The first thing i've come up with is that song by oasis. I dont know what it's called but the chorus goes:
"You're free to do whatever you, whatever you choose and you'll sing the blues if you want"
did you know that most of of oasis' songs have the same chord structure. For instance, you can sing four songs at the same time. I dont know what they are called but the first line of each chorus is...
"So sally wait, you know it's too late if she's walkin on by..."
"But maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me..."
"I'm free to do whatever i, whatever i choose and i'll sing the blues if i want..."
"All the people right here right now, you know what i mean..."
The first three work really well together. In fact if you're bored, get three people together and try singing it.
This was done by tripod, who i have raved about earlier. I wonder what people like that are like in real life. Their image is just three guys doing what they want to do who happen to be really geeky, musical, and intelligent (and ugly...They actually market that. Its hilarious)
jerry maguire is on in the back ground. That song "that's the way its gonna be little darling we'll be ridin' on those horses yeah yeah" is on the movie. I like that song. I think my dad used to sing it. Im not sure, if he were awake i could ask him.
Now some lady on the movie is saying the word "broke" repeatedly. If i'd been paying attention to the movie, not just ignoring it as background noise, there's a chance that i may have a clue what they're taking about.
I'm really bored. You know, apparently some scientists have been researching boredom and it's efect on the body, and it has been found that it causes actual physcal pain to the body. I know i get headaches and backaches when i get bored, but i'd always dismissed it as a posture thing. Hmm probably a little from column a, and a little from column b.
Hmmm, doing things like this are supposed to be good writing exercises. Sounnds like a load of crap to me. But mind you, my problem has never been about the writing, its about what to write.
I hate creative writing. I cant do it. I just cannot allow my thoughts and dreams to be thinly vieled with fiction and narrative and then put on display for the world to mock, or pretend they understand.
Which is another thing i cant stand. People who refuse to say "i dont understand. Can you explain that again". They'd rather nod their head and pretend they get while fooling nobody, and refusing an opportunity to learn.
Honetly, what do they think they're gaining by it. Do they think they're saving face. Surely they know that nobody believes they understand it.
Next song to pop into my head is "honesty" by billy joel. I like that song. I like billy joel. He's one of the few artists who when you listen to him makes you believe that he feels what he sings. My favourite song of his is "the entertainer".
I've been listening to alot of songs by "the used" lately. I really like "on my own". The raw emotion it actually made my chest contract. And also "hate" by grinspoon. That song is really sweet. It makes me smile a bittersweet smile.
Hmmm, tomorrow has potential to be a great day. I'm working 11-3, and luckily i get along with the girl i work with. Kate is so awesome, i love her to bits. She's one of those incredibly sweet people who'd do anything and everything to help out a friend. In fact im not sure what i would've done in the past year wthout her. Without those four hours every saturday to just talk about the week. Shes my therapist :)
I've hit a blank spot in my mind. I can feel emotion but my mind isn't giving me words. Does that ever happen to you? You can just close your eyes and...Fell. But if anyone asks you to describe it you cant? I guess its kind of just like a weight. Or maybe a shadow.
I couldnt handle it anymore...I went and got a hot chocolate with multiple marshmallows. Jeanettes secret recipe. Which she tells everyone :D
as i write this jeanette is telling me to hurry up and finish this post. Do yo think i should tell her that its only full of random crap?
Nah. Well now mother dearest is yelling at me to clean and stuff so i shall have to leave this post.
Hmmm, that felt good though, just to sit and write. I think i'll do it more often.
This post was edited by MelMel on Jan 09, 2004.
It's 11:49pm New Years Eve. And I'm sitting her on the computer home alone. woo-fuckin-hoo.
And I'm thinking, which is something I try not to do in times like this. I'm thinking that I've been living over the internet for too long. I have a whole other life here. It's still me, living out my life, it's just a different one.
And I like this internet life better. Where people can't see me. I have respect, friendship. Hell, I even have love here. Well, I'm still wary of that but that's another story.
But now I've realised I cannot keep these lives separate. I'm terrified what people who I've spoken to over the net will do, say, and think if they should ever meet me. Yet, i have so much being offered to me by these people. I don't know, maybe they're offering me happiness. but maybe they're not.
Maybe the whole thing is just a running joke. A bunch of friends of friends going "Hey, let's fuck around with Mel's head. Here, you pretend to love her, you pretend to respect her..." etc.
I keep telling people not to make judgements until they have met me, but they insist on doing it. I ask them not to say things to me they can't take back but they insist.
And, I'm scared. If I do allow these two parts of my life to intertwine i could lose everything. well, that's not quite true. I'd still have you wonderful people :D But I'm still terrified of losing respect should i ever get an opportunity to meet with any of you in real life.
11:58. two minutes to decided what I'm going to do.
Well, i think I've made my decision. I'm going to meet up with all these people. Let them hate me, let them hurt me. At least i might know truth then.
I'm tired of hiding, hiding behind my veil of words. I'm sick of not being respected when i should and being respected when i shouldn't.
It's Midnight, Happy New Year NAO.
It's time for me to finally take a chance in life. I will meet these people and let them think what they want. I'll hold no gruges. How can I blame them?
And then my life continue out of the confusion it sits in currently.
so, my 2004 Resolution is: Make my life real. Stop hiding behind words. Act as I feel, not as I should. I will allow myself to feel and therefore to be.
Speak to you next year for those of you in a behind timezone...forall others...pinch and a punch forthe first of the month ;)
Have a good year.
Hmmm, i am starting a vendetta against people who think i exist solely for their amusment. I constanly get the feeling that I am being set up again and again to amuse people.
And it hurts.
Particularly from all of my male friends. Now, most of them know I just don't do the whole "fake-flirting" game. It's just not who I am. Anyway, I find it depressing. It's not "fun".
normally they start out with it and you guys have probably come to realise, I am the queen of bullshit - well, one of them anyway...i get the feeling theres a few others here! so i go along with it for a while and tell them that i dont like being treated this way. i know you are not attracted to me in anyway and i dont like being reminded constantly that i am a joke no one wants. and it ends, and we are great friends.
But some people just won't let up, like this one guy who I've never actually met. He's a friend of my brothers, one of those people who add random friends of friends onto their MSN. He constantly flirts and is suggestive. and i have asked him to stop. told him that it depresses me. that i wont be a part of some game. But he doesn't. and he acts hurt whenever i tell him I dont want to play along. He's normally really nice and sweet, a great friend, but this really irritates and depresses me.
I do not want constant reminders that nobody wants me. It is something i can deal with, but these constant suggestions and flirtations are driving me insane. He's one of those ultra-confident types. So im thinking that its just general ignorance. He's never had to deal with feeling isolated, alone. and he is attractive, so he has no idea what i go through.
i dont want to believe that he is just making fun of me. i couldn't stand to lose another friend. but i also couldn't stand to lose any more happiness and confidence.
"hmmm, meditate on this, i will"
Righto, time for a quick update. yesterday my brothers final year of school rsults came in. we have the VCE in victoria. basically, you end up with an ENTER score, and depending on your ENTER you can go to uni. Dan did good. i mean, really good. he 98.9 out of a possible 99.95. no, there is no score of 100. dont ask why, i do not pretend to understand our system (which, by the way, makes cheating it alot harder)
So I'm really proud of him. there were a few things he wasn't happy with of course. his favourite subject History Revolutions wasn't as high a mark as he hoped. mind you, he was aiming for a perfect score. anyway, he achieved a perfect score in English Language (you know, the science and maths behind english. sentence constructs, bizarre patters etc. i dont understand a word of it.)
Me, well my latest creative projects are:
1. fixing my tie-skirt. I'm not sure if i mentioned the skirt i made out of neck-ties here? well, it is really awesome. i was really happy with it. until i lost weight and had to remove two ties. which is the project. i shall call it "operation fix tie-skirt" unless of course someone could come up with a better name...but i really dont think that's possible ;)
2. christmas presents. i decided i'll make a mixture of pillows and bags to give people. so i bought shit loads of material, and i'm ready to go!
My day yesterday also deserves careful...laughter.
me and a bunch of 8 others from school (that's it Mel, throw away all your grammar in the first sentence) went to the cinemas to see School of Rock. you know, one of those many things i do for novelty factor. so we got there took our seats and the theatre was basically empty...there were maybe 15 others there. so the previews started, we ignored them and entertained the cinema by singin christmas caarols. then we see the opening scenes from scary movie 3. about 10 minutes into scary movie three the idot in the tech-box works out they're playijng the wrong movie and abruptly turns it off, and the lights back on.
and we sit there for about, i dont know...15 minutes or so. no word from any one. no "sorry, we having some problems, just sit tight and we'll play the movie as soon as we can". absolutly nothing. in the end it came back on but then we had to watch all the fucking previews again. so in the end we finished 50 minutes late. and they showed the opening scenes of an MA15+ film to these two little 9 year old boys. so im writing the company one of my famous "fuck-off" letters. you know, make them feel properly guilty. there lucky these kids parents weren't there, then they'd be in deeep shit. i just couldn't believe they didn't want to cover their arse like that. if it were me, the first i'd do would be send one of my many minimum wage employees serving pop-corn to say "sorry for the inconvienence".
so that's my bitch at cinema company.
It's the holidays. it has been for the past week. already i am bored. i need something to stimulate my mind. for the first time ever, im am sick of reading. i have all these great books i've been dying to get stuck into but i cant bring myself to do it. i find myself just sitting in front of the computer or television the whole time I'm home.
It's not like I'm even home much. I've done all the usual things for the holidays pus a few new ones...in the first week. shopped, worked, rehearsed for christmas mass (yes, mass...i'll explain later), been to the beach (god bless the southern hemisphere), gone back to school to help the year nine's out with their "politics week", made bailey's balls (rum balls with baileys...) and shortbread and yo-yo biscuits.
yet somehow, i'm still bored. in fact in half an hour im going to get a haircut and see a movie (pirates of the carribean again. Johnny Depp is so hot :P) but i have no enthusiasm for it.
i think i've spoken/written here before about my lack of motivation for anything. i can not bring myself to work or try at anything, except theatre. this getting to be a real problem. my second last year of school starts in february and i am doing two last year of school subjects. i cant bring myself to work at home or even at school.
i know i sound incredibly arrogant saying this, but i've never had to work. i've never had to try. i get b+/A grades without trying. and i know that if i put the effort in i'd get A/A+. but i can't. every term i sit down andtell myself, ok this one is going to be different. i'm going to try. im going to do well. but i never do. and it worries me.
Well, it is now about htree days later and I have finally sat down to finish writing this, which pretty much illustraes my point.
I had a thought today (well, one good one anyway) the only things that motivate me are things which i create. for instance, i love theatre as i create another world. I love cooking. I love sewing and making clothes and other things.
I think that's the only time I feel content. When I am creating. So I've decided to do more of it. I went shopping today and found a whole heap of great clothes I can make. Skirts, Pants and a few tops. I also plan on making pillows.
So this is my plea to you all. If you have any ideas on things I can make, please tell me. I' m being driven out of my brain with boredom which reates this overwhelming sense of weariness.
Apparently they have been researching "boredom" and the effects on the body and brain, and found that in some cases it creates a physical brain. I wish i could locate where this information was from, but i've lost it.
I'm sitting here, at 11:13pm crapping on about whatever pops into my head. if i stop i'll end up siting on my bed, staring at walls. you know the feeling when you can't do anything, but you're about to do something? It's like that but it's constant.
am being kicked off computer. what a wonderful and to a piece of crap journal.