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I've been thinking alot lately. For a change. Actually it is a change. Recently I've felt more on my own, but almost in a good way. I can feel myself stepping away from everything, becoming more objective. My only fear is that I'm spending my life thinking instead of living, but that is something I have no control over.
What is strength? For instance, does it take more strength to force yourself not to care what everyone else around you thinks or says and go completely wild...or does it take more strength to control yourself and force yourself not to allow that breathe of fresh air to brighten your day and keep you going? I've always forced myself to believe that I don't care what everyone else says, does, or thinks, but lately I can't do it anymore. I try but I find myself breaking down, falling apart. I seem more distant to myself. I long for that feeling when you totally let go, to have no fears about yourself, to simply live. I watch myself constantly, everything I do or say is analysed by another part of myself. I can't force myself to not care or even pretend I don't care.
Am I being gutless? Why am I too afraid to take that leap into the unknown to sound incredibly cliched. I want so mch to simply live and yet I cannot, I wont let myself. How do I end this cycle? I guess one day someone will do something that I wont have time to analyse. I used to do that when I got angry, I'd fight to grab back that sese of complete control. But now, I dont get angry like that, I know from the start that whatever the problem is, it's my fault.
I've just taken a break for an hour so I could gather my thoughts and I've realised exactly how confusing I must come across to you all. How can I possibly choose to let myself go? Oh, there are ways, I can just go out and get stoned everynight. And it is so tempting...but no, I cant do that, Im doing my best not to try drugs because I KNOW I'll get hooked. I don't have the strength to say no once I've felt that sense of relief. I've been searching for it for as long as I remember. I know to myself to well to say that I'd be able to just try it.
But more than that, I want to feel alive. I want to feel those strong emotions instead of this monotonous depression. I want to feel anger, I want to feel love. sometimes I think I feel love but then I'm not so sure. I dont want it to be love in this particular case. I want to feel loved.
But these are things that will never happen to me. How can someone ever love me when I cant love myself. I look inside myself and all I see is dead, unfeeling.
Is this the self-deception that Jeanette once spoke of? Am I refusing to let myself feel these things because I know that they can never be returned and I'm setting myself up for disaster? Is that a strength? I'm just saving myself pain..surely that has to be a strength...I dont know, I've rambled enough but I still haven't learnt anything...
I've just re-read this and I'm disgusted aout how melodramatic it is. One of my friends recently compared her life to a soap opera in ironic laughter. what if it were true, now that would be depressing.
whatever comes will come and I'll be froced to react then, but I think I'm "safe". Nothing will ever happen to make me feel once again.
Ok guys. I think this is it. There are some things which i need to say. I dont feel right leaving wihtout staying and i dont feel right staying with these things left unsaid. These are the things which i have noticed/been watching for the past few months. I noticed small things ages ago, butbasically i have been looking more carefully after reading between the lines in the very long thread that was oxy's and sammy's departure.
Before i go on, i want to say just how much i hope i'm wrong about all of this. I have noticed these things and there are certain conclusions that i cannot help but think of. I have been accused of being ver paranoid before. I hope this is one of those times.
1. The age old rating/ranking discussion. This is more of a ranking thing though. To my understanding you go up in ranking as your ratings improve. You then move up stars when you have over taken all others of your level. You can go down in rank when you are rated down, or others are rated better, or when you are inactive as others over take you. However you cannot go down in stars unless you are rated down.
Now it seems to me that alot of strange, strange things have been happening in the ranking situation. I am going to try to be honest here about what i have observed but i want to make it clear that i am not setting out to attack anyone, please, i ask you to tell me i am wrong as this really saddens me. Well i could be wrong but i could've sworn that when i first returned from holiday that i had two white stars and was rank twelve or so. This made me happy and surprised, ok i went up in stars, alot of people must have if i was rank twelve. Then the next day i was one white star and rank 14. I dismissed this i didn't give it another thought assuming that i had misread or that the stars had been an error and i had gone down a few more ranks as i hadn't written anything else.
But more and more things came to my attention and as i thought them through i couldn't help wondering if there was more to it. For instance, when oxy and sammy(fallenangel) left oxy went down in rank so fast it was unbelieveable. Whereas fallenangel didnt, she went down a few, but her stars didn't decrease or anything. Then i thought, well oxy left with a bang, that's for sure, maybe it was thought that it would help the community, almost removing the memory. Whereas fallenangel didnt step on to many toes. Sure she was controversial, but she rarely attacked anyone even when she was attacked she still stayed out of it. Maybe she would be welcome if she ever chose to return(as unlikely as i believe that to be)
i cant help wondering whether i am being given a subtle hint that it is time to go. I have been feeling that it is time to go for quite some time now. Maybe others did too. As i have said previously, this is no longer a community. I cant really tell the difference between the writers of the posts now. It's all blended into a meld of voices which all the say the same thing. i am reminded of a post Jaz made a while ago.
You cannot simply slap the "community" label onto something and wait for your vague idea of "community" to appear out of nowhere.
You cannot force feed community to people who are not in the least interested in each other.
it seems to me that i am not the only one who feels that is no longer a community. i don't think that it has been a deliberate thing, it has just drifted over time. now it hangs together by a few threads which grow weaker daily. it is time for me to go. my threads have been cut off, or just detached themselves. i am still unwilling to believe that it is the work of an individual or group.
but, there's always a but. here i have to come to names i'm really sorry guys if i'm wrong i'll apologise repeatedly until you forgive me just in a vague attempt to get me to shut up. recently i have been having trouble loging in. for the past 2/2.5 months or so. it took multiple(upwards of 20) attempts to log on before it would work. i didn't say anything about it at first. i figured i must have some settings enabled on my computer which prevented me from logging in, i have had similar problems on others sites which i have ben forced to leave as i am inept when it comes to computers and didn't know how to fix the problem. but as i love NAO i figured i'd send jaz an email, see if he could think of anything then delegate the problem onto my computer-intelligent brother.
the day after i wrote this email the problem stopped. however i recieved no reply to it. at first i thought that maybe my original email got lost into cyberspace. but i didn't think so. i can't help wondering if it was another subtle hint to me to get out. jaz, if this is all a mistake i am so sorry, or if there was some over looked thing which you fixed, big thank you's!!
look, i know i sound paranoid and maybe i am. i know that from my first post here i was pushing myself onto you guys, intruding. as much as you have all said that age is not an issue here, i feel that it is. i feel that there is a gap between myself and the rest of you. i notice the style of my posts changing, i no longer write TO you but FOR you, i dont even expect people to read them anymore. maybe im just using age as my excuse, and i just dont want want to face up to the fact that it is purely that you dislike me or i irritate or intrude on you.
either way, it has come to a stage where there is nothing that i can bring to this communnity, and there is little i can recieve from it. i hope that NAO continues but from my perspective NetAlive.Org is dead. someone please tell me I am wrong.
i am sitting here staring at the "post" button wondering whether or not i dare to push it. if i don't it means a quiet departure, i can pop back in whenever i like, or i can just slip away unnoticed. nobody will, how many people have noticed those who have slipped away recently? they just go forgotten.
but if i do push it, then chances are one or two people will read this. and maybe one of them will think about what i've said. i am setting myself up for a hard time. leaving will not be easy. you guys are my lifeline. when i post, i can pretend that someone listens, someone cares. now all this will be gone. i'll sink back into depression. i'll find someone else to listen. it sounds easy, and i know i will eventualy but i know it'll take time. the thing with real people is that it's harder to delude yourself into thinking that they care the way i have here.
i'll probably lurk around here for a while reading but not logging in or posting. I do care about YOU all. feel free to page me if you do happen to see me online or MSN me at firstname.lastname@example.org *shakes head and laughs* i never realised the irony of my email address before. "bye baby" - in shocking italian grammar, all the good ones were taken.
well, i guess this is it. se you NAO, its's been real.
I have had THE most hectic week imaginable. and it is abot to get worse. oh dear...
first things first, after having massive nao withdrawls for not posting for i don't know, one and a half weeks!!! i came back to find a change of atmosphere. has something happened that i missed whilst quickly scanning all those new posts? i don't know, people seem, subdued? the usual posters didn't do any usual posts, even the sporadic ones only replied to that five page UFO thread.
i don't know, we've had the people vs. posts debate WAY too many times, but now it seems like it's neither? just my thoughts.
so anyway, my week. i had my performances (yes more) for my theatre tour to New Zealand. Damned if i don't make a good Titania. i have been so hectic. i found a deb partner! it's like our ear ten formal/social thing, and it's compulsory to have a partner and after havong ben rejected god knows how many times, my brother dan finally found me one!! yay! excitement!
this wednesday i leave to go to new zealand. i'm so excited! ten days of pure theatre, done by ME!
but there is a down side, no internet access!!! ahhhh, another ten NAO free days, what will do? survival hints?? im doing the whole diary to post later thing so you will all be blessed/cursed with that later!
then i get back and two days later i head off to queensland (at the top of australia) for two weeks. once again, no internet (i dont think, i may be able to pop on for a day or something pitiful like that but not long enough to hop on nao, it'll be a stricktly checking email thing...so eveyone email me email@example.com )
so see you all in a month! and email me! email me! email me!
im trying thw whole repetition thing as a mind control technique, ill know it worked when you all email me, email me, email me!
I'll miss you all
I'm not sure if any other places do the 40 hour famine but alot of people in Australia do. Basically you give up food or something else important for 40 hours and get to sponsor you. the money goes to World Vision to do whatever they do where ever they do it.
i decided I didn't want to give up food for 40 hours as i had some problems a while ago and stopped eating and found the hardest part was STARTING to eat once again.
i was then faced with a problem...what do I give up? technology was out of the question as I was working that weekend..."im sorry you can't actually buy anything as i can't use the cash register..."
i decided to do something incredibly difficult for me. i decided to go monosyllabic for 40 hours. for those who dont know, monosyllabic words have only one syllable/sound.
it started off difficult. i was out to dinner for my friends birthday. i decidedthat i would add 5 minutes on to the total time for every time i screwed up.
i was going well untill at 14 hours my mother decided it was inconvenient to HER! so i stopped. my plan was to make a monosyllabic post here as well, so i've decided i will try it now. Mel's Rule: all replies from people with english as their mother language must also be monosyllabic, its the authors discretion if its not whether they want to.
Here goes. me speak word with just one sound for near dead kid with no food or house in third world. I need cash to help them.
I went to work on this day. few sales. it was shit. girl i work with, Kate, is cool. she said she will lend me nice dress when i need it for deb this year. yay!
this is hard. cant say what i want to say. think i shall give up now. i will see how i go. Les Mis is on, *sigh*.
HP #5 comes out june 21. want all from wok to dress up with scars on head and dress store up. heh heh. staff meet is on next week. will bring it up then. ho hum.
naught to say...my tests are done with. think i went fine...:S will find out soon i guess. they don't count for much, but they are the most hard i have done yet. RE was a waste of time. there's naught they can tell me i dont know.
other tests were Pol, Math, Sci, Eng (waste of time too) Phil.
sci was most hard. my mind does not get it. goes past my head. in one ear out one ear.
God, I give up! seriously, everyone should try it! it's incredibly difficult. it's also a pain in the arse for everyone else near you :D.
Apologies for using acronyms.
OK, I guess I'm still sort of new here but I think I've finally got my head around the various connections people have with each other. by the way, when i put people into pairs i'm not necasarily calling you a couple.
1) Jaz and Ettena
2) Null and Orchid
3) Fallenangel and Sinister_Minister666
4) Me (MelMel) and Jeanette, and lemonyeyes when she sporadically pops in.
5) Anduril and Magnifco...I think?
6) hmmmmmmmm, I'm sure there's more, come on people help me out here!
I am also curious to find out what countries people are from. Is there anyone else from the Southern Hemisphere here?
I think it would make it easier on newbies if they had a bit more info from those who have been here for a while, so come everyone...fact files please!
Righto, you guys probably heard enough about my drama ensemble presentation, but you're about to hear more...
in my theatre class, for our semester assesment, we get put into groups and have to come up with a 20 minute performance which meets certain criteria.
this semester, i actually managed to get put into a talented group! you see, we each get to put down two people we want in our group, and four we don't. there is normally three groups of talented people, and two groups of shit people who everyone says they DONT want to be with. i have always been in the latter. However, this time i was in a good group, with good people, and none of them hated me!
if you don't understand what this feels like, think boack to your school years, you will.
these people are excellent actors. two out the five were the schools best. one other, who is actually one of my friends, is a fantastic dancer, and the other girl was one of those annoying all rounder people...sings, dances, acts...completely thick! but hey, you can't have everything! ;)
so we came up with an excellent script. here we come to names...i'll just use character names. we were a theatre troupe, the HJF (Hot Jam Fonut) players, who get booked by accident instead of the Hot Jam Donuts (private joke: my brother's jazz band is the Hot Jam Donuts...cheap shot) to advertise SNAG and Co's latest product. we decided it would be dog biscuts.
Disclaimer: we wanted to make it funny, and therefore used as many lame jokes and cheap shots as we could. It is not our fault :)
in the HJF players there are five members, the diector plus four cast. the director, Max Imum, has mood changes reflected by the volume of his voice. he is desperatly in love with Gail Force-Winds one of the players, obssessed with dancing and is your typical showgirl. however, she wants to kill him and become director. (the plot thickens: however you will need to beat for at least three hours untill it is ready)
Gail is freinds with Candy, your typical ditzy character, chews gum obviously, only wears pink...
next up, Reginald. Ummmm, how can i describe him. costume was a seventies suit (white, blue pinstripe, flare, with blue silk shirt). but fly was unndone with shirt sticking out, walked incredibly strangely and spoke in a strange sort of whisper. memorable line, addressed Max as the following "Mr cheif, boss, man, sir, cheif, sheep herder, man, friend of Jerusulem....what am I going to do?" not as funny in text....one of those you've gotta be there type things. but moving on...
Lastly there was me. Tigerlily. the gothic satanist. i used a crappy stereotype and based my whole character around it. before i go on, i would like to say, I am not proud of this. what you guys need to understand is the pressure I was under from this group of amazing actors who were stuck with me. I didn't want to drag them all down. that is why i allowed myself to act the way i did.
my costume was: heels, fishnets, mini skirt, corset style top, and a jacket, the same length as the skirt... i painted a cobweb and spider onto my face with blood red lipstick outlined in black. i had fake slits on my wrists.
i am so sorry to anyone my costume offended. It was not meant to offend anyone in anyway.
i spoke in monotone with perfect diction. i had a way of moving when i looked at someone by first moving my eyes then following through with my head. i recited slyvia plath. sat on audience members. By the way, this was so much more alarming because of my size. i am a size sixteen, that in a miniskirt.is, well...alarming!
i also attempted to bite people. nothing more to say on that.
so it is now all over. sort of.
Basically the whole school thinks i am a slut. i already had a reputation for being different. many people thought i was a goth. also, i have never had a boyfriend (no this isn't one of those woe betide me, my life sucks as there is no male there posts) people found it very easy to say "yeah, well, Mel's a goth and she's that desperate that she would become a slut just to get a guy, or even a girl"
i am not a goth, i am not a slut, and i am not a lesbian. i have nothing against people who are any of the above, but i hate being classified as something i am not.
now most students believe I am. and what makes it worse, is even some teachers think i am. i have always gotten along well with my theatre teacher, at least i thought we did, and now she hates me. i can see it in her.
I feel disgusted with myself. what i did wasn't acting.
Even more than that, i feel disgusted because there were certain aspects of me in Tigerlily. I hate myself for allowing this to happen. everything in my character was against my morals. but i could still feel an awful lot of me in that performance. my morals never existed.
i am one of those people i've always hated. one of those who acts a certain way because of what people will think of me.
i make myself sick.