NiQuE's journal

I was in the mall the other day doing some shopping. They had a sale in some stores, so the store owners moved some merchandise outside of the store and onto tables in the middle of the mall. No employees were to be found and customers were looking through the shoes and clothes. No store employees seemed concerned that anyone rummaging though the merchandise could easily jack something from their store.

I continued my day to the local farmer's market and noticed rows upon rows of fresh herbs, crafts, and food lining the side walks outside. This place does have attendants, however; they definitely cannot monitor even 70% of all of the items they have available to purchase. There are hundreds of people walking around and anyone could simply jack a couple of things off of these tables without anyone noticing... Even if they did see someone walking out with some merchandise, the attendant would probably assume that it was already paid for before they started walking out of the market with it.

So, I see this, I analyze it, and I wonder... Why do these people trust complete strangers not to steal? It's too easy and they'd never get caught. It's the same deal with those little donation candy boxes, the lids even say that "your honesty is appreciated".

After all of the shit, after all of the crap that human beings put each other through, why aren't we more cautious of each others actions as individual human beings? Why is it STILL so easy for some of us to trust people, even though we maybe shouldn't?

Take Israel for example (I'm shooting for a higher message here, but may need help, so feel free to reply if you think you know where I'm trying to go with this)... In recent events Israel has decided to invade Lebanon. Sure, it sucks that two of Israel's soldiers have been kidnapped. I can understand that they would like to get them home. But what I cannot understand is why they need to kill innocent people in the process? Israel could have gone about things a hell of a lot differently, and because of their recent actions, have lost a lot of respect and trust from many people in the world. Of course, Bush is quoted as saying that Israel "has a right to defend itself." Well, my question to that is, why is Israel allowed to defend themselves, but North Korean is not? Why is Israel to be trusted in this situation by the US? I understand that Israel and the US are allies, but what Israel is doing is wrong, and there for, cannot be trusted. North Korea hates the states, we all know this, but they're not going to do anything about it otherwise they'd be flattened. They're more worried that the US will invade them. Don't they have a right to defend themselves too? Apparently not.

Basically, what I'm trying to get at here is... Why is it so easy for a lot of us to trust humans to humans, but not nation to nation? Or, group to group? Why is it easier to individualize this topic?

Any nation cannot fully trust any other nation, it seems... So, how do we live together? How do we learn to trust eachother again, as groups, as nations, and as different, yet equally important people?

I don't know. I don't think anyone has the answer.

I just wish more of us could take a candy from the jar and put back 25 cents.

My sister seems happy in her new relationship, but I just can't help but feel hopelessly awkward about her current boyfriend.

You have to understand my sister: She is a beautiful blonde, who is intelligent, educated, funny, and kind, but seems to be completely clueless...

She has been dating this guy for the past 2 or 3 months. He is almost the exact opposite. Homely, awkward, slightly overweight with a very noticable double chin... Smokes weed on a regular basis (and you can tell), and is a foreman for an oilfield company... He is what we call here in Alberta, a rig pig. Someone who has no choice (if they want to make decent money) but to become a laborer in the oil industry because they're too intellectually challenged to do anything else.

I don't want to come across as vain. This guy is a sweet guy, he really is, but that is the extent of it... I just can't see the two of them lasting in a long-term relationship. They are one of the oddest couples I have seen in a very long time... If anyone wants to use the argument that opposites attract, you're wasting your time because I don't fucking care.

My sister has just returned to the city to live with me again after working in a small town for the summer. This town is the town that her boyfriend resides in. So after a few months of spending all of their time together, they are finally apart for a few days until they leave for their vacation to Vancouver on Saturday. They have spent a total of one day apart and in that time have had over 6 telephone conversations, all of which were initiated by her boyfriend. This worries me abit, I mean... It's one thing to want to keep in touch, but it is another thing to call someone that many times in one day. It almost makes me think that he might come to a point where he misses her so much that he might become obsessive, or he might want to keep tabs on her because he knows that there is a rather large possibility that there will be "other alternatives" lingering about... Especially when she returns to university in the fall and he is 2 hours away.

I mean really, it is blatantly obvious that he is completely clueless as to why my sister actually chose him over anyone else. He is just as clueless as she seems to be (but in a different way), and as clueless as anyone close to her is. We are all disturbingly shocked beyond any comprehension.

He has also brought to my sisters attention the fact that he realizes he is lower on the scale and has expressed his sincere uneasiness towards her possible reactions to other men, ahem, to put it gently... Men who would be more of my sisters type.

I just hope that this doesn't become something that could possibly turn violent, or bad in other ways in the future. I really don't think that she knows what she is getting into... I think that this guy will turn out to be nothing more than a rebound. The scary thing is, he thinks that it is more than that, and it will hurt him a hell of a lot more than she bargained for when she realizes that he has very, very, few qualities that she is looking for.

God... It's this is hard to write this. I know that I might be coming across negatively to some people, and I really don't mean to... And trust me, I know that "looks aren't everything", I've heard it a million times. But this is more than just looks, he just isn't right for her. I know this because I know her.

I am glad that my sister is happy, but hey... Honeymoon phases don't last forever, and eventually she will see what everyone else sees... But I would hate to see this guy turn into a raging lunatic because the best girl that he will ever have (and already loves) could eventually (and probably will) leave him.

This post was edited by NiQuE on Aug 18, 2005.

This sucks. It sucks so bad that I almost posted in the "what sucks" forum... but, to atleast some relief, I resisted.

Never-the-less, I am writing a negative post. I apologize, but I am trying to deal with an immense amount of stress and I feel that writing about it is the only non self inflicting way that I should be dealing with it.

Money.

I hate it. It's a dirty, irritating, pins and needles in your side for 5 hours parasite that feeds on your brain and insides until you can't sleep or eat because you don't know if you can afford it.

I have just recently bought a brand spanking new computer. Yes, Spanking New. I love it, it is fucking amazing. I have spent 2 weeks thinking about it, pricing it out, and making sure that it fits neatly into my budget.

I know I can afford it. I have done the math 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... 6 times... But nooo, that doesn't seem to be enough! I am still so worried about everything...

I have an expensive wedding be part of soon inwhich I will have to purchase my bridesmaid dress, a new $150 haircut/dye, 97.9 cents per litre gas to drive 6 hours to get there....the new computer, SCHOOL for September, food, new school clothes... Oh gosh, the list just goes on and on.

I hate stress. I am usually a very calm and collected person when it comes to most things, but right now I am worrying so much that it feels like my stomach is going to literally fall out of my body. God damnit I wish it would... Then maybe this pukey, dizzy feeling would subside.

So I guess the only thing to do now would be to go through this budget one more time... Just to make sure that I will be ok. Geezee... Whoever invented money should be drug out into the street and shot.

This post was edited by NiQuE on Aug 16, 2005.

I have a very good friend who is getting married this September. She is a beautiful woman who is smart, spunky, and full of positive energy. She is someone that you can always pour your heart out to without feeling uncomfortable or insecure. She is one of my best friends.

Niki has been with a guy, James, for about 2 years now. They have decided to get married this September. The wedding has already been called off once, due to god knows what... however, about 6 months ago everything was a go again... Unfortunately.

James is significantly lower on the scale of men that Niki is capable of obtaining... I don't mean to come across as being vain, but it is true. He just doesn't have a lot going for him and isn't Niki's type at all.

Everytime I see Niki and James together they fight. The first time I met James was over a year ago, they had been dating for a few months by that time and were already fighting constantly, despite who was in their presence. I thought that it might have been one of their first arguments, so I disregarded their dispute as being typical couple issues.

It seems to have gotten worse...

James works as a labourer for an oil company and is away for several weeks at a time. He goes away to work for a few weeks then returns home for a week. Two weeks on, one week off type of thing... On occasion he will be asked to stay out in the field for 4 weeks to pull 12 hour days. Because of his work schedule, I don't think that they have been able to spend quality time together to get to know eachother completely. His time off is hectic and most of it is taken up by travel time. The rest is taken up by errands, wedding planning and the occasional hour or two spent with Niki.

About a month ago or so, Niki and another friend of her's had come up to visit me here. James was in the US working for a month and hadn't seen Niki during that entire time and was going to fly up here to meet her. They would then spend some time here to visit some people that they know and then proceed to drive home together.

James's flight was arriving early in the morning and we were to pick him up at the airport. The evening before his arrival Niki had received a call from him. They immediately started to argue about something over the phone. After they hung up, Niki didn't elaborate on their discussion, but did tell us one thing: That James had requested that Niki look amazing when we pick him up from the airport. As if he wanted to show her off to all of his dirty oil buddies. As if she were a trophy wife...

This disgusted me. Niki doesn't need to get all glamed up to look gorgeous, she already is. And why the hell does she need to dress up? Just so he could show her off? Why should it matter what she looks like if he truely loves her? He should of been happy to see her no matter what.

After we had picked up James from the airport, the fighting started. Niki became more quiet, more timid, and just wasn't the same person, it was like James put out the flame that was burning inside of her. All of her amazing qualities seemed to disappear and she wasn't herself.

I think that she is making a huge mistake by marrying James, but I just don't know how to tell her... And the wedding is only 3 weeks away... Everything is ready. This will happen. I don't know why she is doing it. I don't know if she really, truely loves him, or if she is just marrying him because all of her friends in her town are married... Maybe she feels left out?

I am also not the only one that thinks this. My sister is Niki's best friend and she can't bear the thought of the two of them being together, but she doesn't know how to tell her either... I guess it might be because we aren't as close as we used to be and we don't want to risk our friendships with her if we do decide to say something and she doesn't agree with it..

Niki called me the other day. I knew something was wrong by the tone of her voice. She told me that she is pregnant... She's not ready and I know it. She is scared, and doesn't have solid support behind her. Her family is pretty messed up and James is away 3/4 of the time... Gosh.

I am dreading this wedding. I have a feeling it will end up in divorce... I just want to her to see past all of the frills and excitement of the wedding and realize that James isn't the man for her.

Do I say anything? Or do I keep my mouth shut?

R-rated Post (sorry, I just can't hold my tongue on this one):

If it is one thing that I am sure of, it is that I have absolutely no fucking idea what the hell is going on in this house.

I had been house-sitting for my boss for a few days with my best friend. His home is only 5 years old. It is unbelievely gorgeous with its beautifully crafted matt taupe finish accented by slate like stone. The yard is decorated with rows of brilliantly bright flowers and immaculately trimmed chinese shrubs.... Very deceiving indeed.

Friday was bright and hot and the sun was shining directly into the home through the large glass patio doors. It was such a pleasant day, so warm and filled with everything that makes Summer, Summer. I was sitting in the kitchen, alone, eating a sandwhich when I felt a very icy cold sensation unexpectedly run through my hair and down my spine. After a few awkward, eerie seconds, the sensation passed.

The next day, while my best friend was at work, I was alone again in the house. I was sitting on the couch, reading a book when the TV began to flash on and off repeatedly. After the TV stopped turning off and on, I decided that I obviously didn't want to be in the house alone, something or someone was there.

I went for three hour walk around town until my best friend came home from work. When she returned, I didn't tell her what had happened. I wanted to be more sure about the situation before I started jumping to the conclusion that I had, infact, encountered a ghost.

The next day the same thing happened, only with the stereo. It began turning on and off and flipping through cd's. At that point, I was no longer second guessing. There was a ghost in the house and it was fucking with me.

My best friend came home later in the day, I decided to talk to her about what I had experienced. She told me that she had saw lingering shadows walking around during the night, slipping in and out of rooms and out from under doors. Watching.

After we had spoken, we decided that we would talk to our boss about what was happening. He said that we weren't the first people to say that there was something in his house. Apparently his own brother will no longer stay in his home when he visits, he says he won't ever set foot in the spare room again...

I have always been skeptical about the existance of ghosts. Now; however, there is no doubt in my mind that they exist. I don't think that this ghost is evil, but it definitely didn't want us there.

I have since left the house and my best friend and I vow to never return.

I honestly have no idea what happened to me a month ago. It could have been a conversation that I had with a friend that opened my eyes, I am not exactly sure. But all I know is that I have become someone who actually follows through with the things that I say...

I can recall many times in the past where I have said that I would accomplish this and that, but I would somehow always seem to get side tracked. I would just completely lose interest in any kind of goal that I had set out for myself.

For example:

I have been talking about getting in shape for the past 4 years. I would start to work out... Then I would just quit. Subliminally. I wouldn't say: I quit! I would just stop and fall back into my old, lazy ways.

How pathetic.

The conversation that I had with a friend the other day, or rather, an argument that I had, made something in me spark and caused something else to burn out completely... She lashed out at me and told me that I never do anything for myself, and that if I had planned to, the thought of it just disappeared along the way. She explained to me that I have too much potential to waste and that I had to do something with my life. Even if that something was as small, or uncomplicated as working out for an hour everyday.

At the time I didn't exactly jump up and say: You are right! No... I didn't say anything. Infact, I don't recall even thinking about what she said. I just changed, and I know that I have for good.

The next day my friend and I started to work out and we have been doing this 5 days a week for the past month. I am not a lanky, skinny chick anymore. I have gradually transformed myself into someone who looks and feels great. My outlook has completely changed and I am so much more happy.

I know that this time, it is for real.

This change is something that I can feel in my mind. I feel differently about life. I feel differently about my body, my relationships, my job, and my future. I do not feel like I am the same person I was over one month ago.

I have quit smoking everything. It didn't even phase me to stop, and it wasn't even hard. This might seem strange, and I don't even know if this is how I did it, but I must have just subconciously decided that it wasn't for me.

Seriously, I don't know how any of this happened.

I am going back to school this September. I am getting my degree.