NiQuE's journal

As I reflect on events in my life, past and present, I wonder why I bother to care about certain things at all.

Why should I care about things that I cannot possibly control?

I wrote a post recently about the attacks in London. I wondered why I even took the time to rant about something that I could not possibly ever change. I felt myself reach a point of unnecessary rage while getting absolutely no answers or closure.

I am disgusted with the fact that I became so angry when the the truth is: There is nothing you can do now or ever.

I will no longer include myself in any conversations regarding current events, politics, religion, or any other controversial topic on NAO or in everyday life. I will not involve myself in pointless conversations that run around in circles about what different people consider to be right or wrong.

I simply will not involve myself in any topic that seems to never, and probably will never have any resolution or closure.

Im going to lay on the beach, close my eyes, enjoy my life, and deal with whatever comes my way.

Christmas...

I think that Christmas in general died when I found out Santa was one big lie. There are so many lies that revolve around Christmas that it is incredibly hard to enjoy it...

I went to my grandparents home for Christmas this year. I was definately looking forward to seeing my extended family (whom I only see a few times per year). On the other hand they live in an extremely remote town in an extremely remote area. The nearest "major" centre is 45 minutes away and has approximately 30,000 people that reside there. Not a very big place indeed. The town where my grandparents live has approximately 100 people that live there, and that number decreases every year with everyone that passes away...

Anyways, I wanted to see my family but I didn't want to sit in a vehicle for 16 hours to travel there and I definately didn't want to stay in this town of 100 people for more than an hour... But hey, it was Christmas and thats just the way it happened.

Unfortunately it was horrible... Not only was it more boring than I expected (the usual conversation with members of my family began with "how is work?" or, "geeze, it is cold outside!") but it was one huge lie. Everyone in my family talks about everyone else, and then when we get together we all "talk" to one another as if everything is fine and dandy. Its disgusting! I feel like we all get together because everyone feels like we have to do it because it is the "thing" to do at Christmas time. We all sit around and eat incredibly delicious food and stare at eachother. I have come to the realization that the food might be the only reason why we are all there. Because its definately not because of the enlightening conversation......

The worst part of it all is no one really knows who I am. No one knows that I have a girlfriend that I love and want to marry, and if they did know they would shun me from the family. The more I think about it, the less I care. Our family is one huge lie, would it really be so bad if I disappeared? I doubt it.

I am taking a moment to reflect on the events of a particular gay community in my city (the biggest one, mind you, the bar scene).

People are beginning to warm up to the idea of a man and a man being together or a woman and a woman being together...But we still have the odd redneck who chooses to deny the idea of anything but traditional partnerships.

Fine.

I went out to a gay club last Saturday night, I found out that there are some behaviors about gays that I dislike myself, and can see how these particular details can be portrayed in an extremely negative way by the straight/gay bashing community.

Now let me tell you all right off that I am a lesbian. I am not out to the public, but I do choose to let certain people in my life know about my sexual identity. This is a choice, and I choose to keep myself semi-in the closet because I want to protect myself from the bashers.

Having said that, I need to explain myself further to those who have read up to this point and might want to strangle me.... Please read on.

I went into this club and it was filled with the usual regulars who attend this bar on every Saturday night (the busiest night of the week). On the very odd Saturday there are a few new faces in there, but this rarely happens. I also noticed that most of these regulars don't have the best jobs in the world, and usually drink their faces off, or do a bunch of hard-core drugs, and are usually running blindly from relationship to relationship, or most often...fling to fling. It actually sickened me. I mean, no wonder some straight people look at our community the way that they do. We look, to them, like a bunch of people who aren't going anywhere in their lives, and who definately aren't contributing anything to society. Now don't get me wrong, obviously there are straight people in this world just like this...but common, when the majority of the people in this gay bar have absolutely nothing going for them, it looks pretty pathetic on our part...

Call dancing around in thongs and rainbow hats culture, call it whatever you want, I call it trash. I think showing pride is fine, but when you are mowing at eachothers face on a float at a gay parade, its not going to make anyone scream for the rights of gays. If I saw ANYONE mowing at eachothers faces in public I would be down right grossed out.

All I am saying is for SOME (definately not all, because not all gays are like this) gay's to have alittle bit of class and stop flashing their penises and or strap-ons about. Its really not gonna make anyone want to give you any kind of respect, even those who are gay themselves.

This post was edited by NiQuE on Dec 16, 2004.

Three months ago I was cast into an unbelievable darkness filled with complete sorrow, regret, and utter, sickening dispair. I know how I got there, it was all my fault...Hence the regret. And that was the worst part of it all, knowing that the reason you feel so much pain is because of something you yourself did. I feel like part of me is slowing coming to the surface after this long period of horrendousness. Another part seems to be gone forever, locked away, burried under past feelings of hate and jealousy...I can't seem to float above all of the lies and deception that I was put through...I want to rise so bad...

I don't know if time will heal these wounds and allow me to be at peace with the events of the past... What if I can't get over it? What if I am consumed by this continuous feeling of untrustworthiness? How can you possibly have a relationship with someone who lied to you, and tore your heart from your very chest? And how can you get over the fact that the reason they did this is all because of you tearing their heart out to begin with...?

All seems well. Things turned out the way I wanted them to...I have you back. We say we are both happy, and I know we are...But when will my resentment and anger disappear? How do I put these thoughts behind me for good?

When will I stop dreaming about you being with her...And when will I stop sinking?

I am sure everyone goes through difficult portions in their life where they wonder, what in god's name is the point? We all have our day jobs, spend countless hours at our computer desks staring blankly at the screen and wondering: What am I doing here? What am I working for?

Atleast I do, every single minute I sit in this chair I wonder, why am I sitting here? Why am I wasting my days for a measly paycheck? I mean, yes, we all need to live and to live u need money but geeze... It seems like Im wasting something more important when I sit here and earn my paycheck, I feel like Im wasting my life. Is that worth the money?

Ehh...Not really that interesting of a post, but I just need to know if this life is really worth living if this is the way most of us live it.

[Phone numbers obscured by null]

For the past year I don't think I have been able to have a decent nights sleep. I keep having these dreams about my childhood/highschool best friend...

I have also been going through personal emotional turmoil regarding her present emotional well-being...I feel nothing but constant helplessness....Here is some much needed yet disturbing background information (for those who wish to read this):

We both grew up on farms outside of an extremely small town in a province in Canada. This town has pop of approximately 2,500 people and Im sure it has gone down in population significantly since then. Basically, it is a town where nothing much has ever happened...And I never thought anything this brutal would ever occur in our town, or worse yet, to my best friend...

Kerry and I grew up virtually with almost identical families (well, not personality wise)...We both lived the same distance outside of town, our mothers were both named Deb, and both of our sisters were named Nikki...Our phone numbers were almost identical, her's was ###-3285 and mine was ###-3286....You get the idea. We were inseparable. We would party until it was daylight outside, and we could talk about anything...
Things changed between us after graduation in 2000. She stayed in our hometown and I moved to the next province over. We were 6 hours away from eachother now...Things changed, it was inevitable, we weren't as close.

On Fathers Day of 2003 Kerry took a walk downtown to do alittle shopping (yes, we have stores there) to buy a Father's Day gift for her dad. Only, she never got to give him the gift until 48 hours later.

On her way home from shopping, she was abducted at gun point by a man who was making his way through our town. She was bound and gaged and raped several times during the 6 hour hell ride to his home. After arriving there 6 hours later, he tied her up in his apartment, naked...Im sure the sexual assults didn't hault at that point.

I am not sure how long she stayed there, probably a few hours... Then, my 4'11" best friend decided "fuck this" and bolted while the maniac, devil was taking a piss... She flagged down a passing motorist and he proceeded to drive her to the nearest Police station.

The next day my sister called me. The phone rang approximately 15 minutes before I had to go to work. The call went something like this:

Sis: nique, something happened to kerry...
nique: *my heart starts to race so I sit down* She was killed, wasn't she???
Sis: No...*tells me the story*

End of call basically... I am in shock and freaking out.

So I ditch work... I was in customer service at the time and there was no way in hell I could pretend to be happy when my heart was in pieces worrying about Kerry.

I waited a day, her parents were gone to retrieve her from her hellish experience and bring her home...I called her the next day. She answered. I almost burst into tears as soon as I heard her voice...But I had to be strong for her, because she was so strong...We talked, I said how stupid I feel for not keeping in contact with her more...

Anyways....now you know the story. My turmoil is with this situation, it has been a year since this has happened but I feel as if it happened no more than a month ago. I wrote her a letter 4 months ago because I felt like that was the only way I could truely express the way I was feeling inside. I just wanted to help her somehow!!

Her and her boyfriend came to visit me in April of this year...that was so nice. I finally had a chance to hang out with her, to talk, to just have fun. Unfortunately during their stay I came down with the flu for their entire trip. I felt like someone was trying to make me stay away from her. I felt like I had lost her at that point, that I could never make up for our lost time....

She hasn't responded to my letter. I know she won't...

I just don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. I think about her every fucking day and I just can't do anything about it. I know she is an emotional wreck, and I mean...who wouldn't be? But I just wanted her to know that I am still always there for her. What do I do next? What if she doesn't want to talk to me? What if she wants to push everyone from her past away because she feels embarassed about what happened to her? (A common trait among rape victims). I don't know...I mean, she knows I am there, but she has always held things inside... I don't know how to talk to her about this but all I know is that she needs help... (she has always held things inside, she didn't talk to me about her brothers death until we were 17, and he died 3 years previously)...

Does anyone have any advice? I am pretty much desperate.

This post was edited by NiQuE on Mar 25, 2005.