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Hmm... Tomorrow it's a week after one of my biggest failing. I know that sounds pathetic but that moment my world collapsed a little bit. I can't remember failing any test in life before. I graduated, I finished journalist school with a very good mark and I even managed the driver's licence the first time I took it! If you'd ask null he'd say he can't believe that or he'd say something he usually says about black number plates ;) Anyway, in sports it looked way different. I am something like out of form nobody would believe. In Yoga, even 80 years old grannies are more flexible than me. Hell, I am so not made for sports. Nevertheless I started Karate 10 years ago (when I was fitter and thinner) and made it till 3rd kyu (there are 10 kyu, from 10 to 1 and then several dan from 1 till 9 or so). I already failed one test, the one for 4th kyu. And last thursday, after exercising a whole lot (for me) for over half a year, I wanted to achieve the brown belt finally. I don't know what went wrong, maybe everything from condition till technique, but I failed. And it's still hard from me to write it down, even on a platform of so many people. The ones who know how rudimentary my self-conciousness is, maybe slightly understand when I felt standing there as the only one who failed the test. After months of abandonment (because a 100 percent job and 3-4 times of training per week didn't leave me much free-time) I could nothing but break out in tears. I was so depressed, angry and willing to never come back to the dojo. And I asked myself if I made myself too nervous before. This was so important for me that I was a wreck days before. Anyway, it's over and people did a lot of set up-work for me. That I shouldn't give up now that I had the form (which form??), that life goes on, that they love my despite of this and that they's still love me if I go on and exercise another half year. Yesterday we had a little Advent celebration with the club and I didn't feel very good about joining it but went there together with another girl from the club. Then the others cared so much I was really overwhelmed. They gave me a feeling of family and I learned stories from other breakdowns, failing, obstacles and almost-forsakens I had no idea of. I felt much better yesterday and don't think I am a total loser in every point of life just because of this one sad failing anymore. Well the magical word that's saying it now is ganbatte! It's another hard and stoney way and I am still as anxious as can be but I'll give it another try.
Some weeks, or months(?) ago I got interested in tattoos. One of my best friends made three years ago but I didn't really think about it being something for me. Well somehow yes, but I didn't follow it further. But now I've been to the tattoo artist (he really is an artist - want to check his page?) twice for now. He is strange and I assume he thinks I am a total dork because of my choice of motive and my indetermination.
Anyway I'm not so sure yet if and after all I really fear the pain! The sound of the tattoo machine is awful!
Well I'll keep you informed but first of all I want to know: NAOees confess! Who of you already got one or more tattoes and who is a tattoo virgin but wants one! Tell me! :)
This post was edited by Orchid on Jan 13, 2007.
Two days ago there was the presentation of the first book in the row "Menschen, Bilder und Geschichten - Mauren von 1800 bis heute" (in english approximately: People, pictures and stories - Mauren since 1800 till today). Mauren is a community in my home country, Liechtenstein.
Anyway it felt pretty good to attend the presentation an hold the complete opus in my hands. It is very heavy and about 500 pages thick. And my name is on the authors list which is quite long but I am the youngest on the list and I have no doctor title or something else lime some others ;) Anyway my work is a minimum to the whole book and the texts aren't very special but anyhow I feel honored to be mentioned in a book and being part of it somehow.
And the book isn't just some more guidebook-we-don't-need but a long journey into our past. Maybe me or null can post a picture of it or something if you're interested ;)
Last week my dear grandmother is gone flying with the angels. After my grandfathers death several years ago when I was a child she was one of the closest people around me who passed away. This leads me to a many thoughts which Iíd like to share or at least Iím in need to write down somehow.
First of all Iíd like to start at that very day. She was 87 (I didnít know she was that old already), still lived in her own flat and was pretty laborious even at that age. Entering a nursing home has been a scene of horror for her. Anyway, she wasnít sick or something but didnít feel well that day. A doctor couldnít help really. But in the night she felt worse and called her son who saw no alternative to drive her to the hospital. The evening after that, she went to sleep forever. It turned out that she has suffered a heart attack which the doctor hasnít remarked Ė and Ė as a result also caught a pneumonia. When me and my husband null came to see her in the afternoon in the hospital she was no longer addressable because the meds have given her something to sleep. Seeing all of the family members there and her lying there so helpless I broke into tears immediately and embraced my mother for who it must be really really bad. I sat down and numerous thoughts and images came to my mind. Mostly nice memories and situations we were in and a whole lot feelings of guilt. She has never been my favourite grandmother because she was quite difficult to handle. She was old-school and quite critical which, for me, wasnít really nice because as a child I didnít want to be forced to say thank you all the time. Or: Not by her. I donít want to say I was a brat and difficult to raise but, well I think compared to the other grandmother I just preferred the one who was always nice and gave me things to eat.
This doesnít mean I hate her, no never, I just felt being around her was too complicate so I evaded her until the last few months.
In the last few months my mind slowly changed. I began to think of her more often and whenever I drove around the town (we live in the same) I tinkered with the idea to visit her but regrettably I left it at that. I didnít proceed any further yet but delivered greetings for her and asked my mother how she was and if thereís anything new from granny.
Today I am more than ashamed of my bad behaviour and regret every single time I thought ďThereís no time to see her today. Maybe next timeĒ. But there is no next time and Iíve been so naÔve to think sheíll live on and on and thereís plenty time to see her. Hearing her curriculum vitae at the obsequies in the church I thought: ďI canít believe it but I didnít know her at all!Ē Hearing the farewell letters of my cousins I thought: ďWhy didnít she tell this to me and why didnít she do these things with me?Ē The relationships between them and her and between me and her must have been sooo different. Suddenly I felt Iíve got no right to cry because I didnít love and know her like that. But it makes me sad nevertheless. The missed moments, the missed talks, that she had to go, that my mother and my brother lose herÖ I am afraid itís more self-pity than real love that makes me cry and I feel even worse. I have been a terrible grandchild, I know. But instead of hating or ignoring me she never stopped being a careful granny. I am a monster. And she didnít deserve to be carried away. And had I known before IÖ The last time I saw her it was shortly over lunch-time and we didnít talk a lot. I wished I couldíve had the time to talk to her in peace before all that. (BTW that was not an easy thing to do because she didnít hear well and you had to say things five times or very loud, which she didnít appreciate). That is really something that burdens me.
Is there anybody out there who likes obsequies? I canít imagine. I see thereís a reason for them because people want to say good bye when somebody dies and weíre a gregarious creature so that it feels normal to gather when somebody passes away. But I felt it was the worst thing to do. There were so many people and everyone of them shook hands with my mother and tried to comfort her. But I think this makes it even worse. So why hold up this gauntlet? Wouldnít it be better if people could mourn in private? I donít want to carry out this thought because itís a tradition and I think itís unfair to the ones who die and the ones who mourn and want it that way. Itís just a thought because I felt quite exposed yesterday at the obsequies. And I wasnít the central point at all. I just think at obsequies your forced to cry. And what concerns me, I am a repressive mourner which means that I repress negative thoughts as long as I can. I even think: forever.
An example is my beloved dog who passed away when I was 17 or 18. It was like hell for me. I repressed the last picture and I still donít want under all circumstances retrieve it. The pain would be too big. Itís even difficult to write about my dog today or think of him because then itís possible that the picture comes back. I will close my eyes about it forever. And this is just the beginning. I can say to myself: Well, the people who leave us will have a cozy nest in heaven and look down from their cloud to us but it doesnít change the fact that theyíre no longer with us. Itís the hardest thing. I donít want to think about losing more of my beloved ones. That would be extreme. I donít know how to survive something like that. I just beg it wonít come in a long, long, very long time.
I am quite happy today :)
Two years ago I started my second apprenticeship (after quitting the university) at the MAZ, a media school in Lucerne, Switzerland and the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt. On february 1st, we had to go through a five-hour-final-examination after they have accepted our diploma work. Since then I almost prayed each day and I hoped and shivered. Last night I've even dreamt of failing. Well, today, the envelope finally arrived and ...I passed! :) Couldn't believe it till I opened it and still I am a bit too calm. Anyway, I finally have a graduation or something like that and a profession I learned for, even if it was just for two years. But it is still cool. Now, the only problem I have, is, that nobody hired me yet. Grumpy old Volksblatt had to kick me because of budgetarian reasons. At least I can freelance a lot at the moment, which keeps me quite busy or even more than I wished. I thought job-less should be more easygoing ;)
Do you know these days when you're just acting like a bulldozer? I think this is the first time I really do. It's just too much right now and I just scream on everybody since I got up.
Actually I don't want to be here and work now I'd rather like to be together with my Sweetheart (null) and enjoying our first flat. I mean it should be a special day and we should be drinking wine or champagne. But instead I'm working and playing to be a Rambo :(
Well, null, I hope we can celebrate it tomorrow :) Or in a month when everything's furnituredm which I hope... Oh those strange days... It will take a long time for us to get used to the new situation. I hope it'll make us happy :)
And sorry again for being an asshole today! I love you!
This post was edited by Orchid on Jan 26, 2006.