POWF's journal

I've been working full-time for about two years now. I'm only 20 yrs old. I've been saving some money, spending some money..I just bought a new car. You know, the usual shit young people do when they have money.

Recently I have decided that office life isn't for me. The repetive actions I go through everyday, the menapausal women surrounding me (taking out all their fustrations of being old on me!), the stale air of a climate controlled enviorment..it makes me miserable. Some people love this atmosphere, they thrive on office politics and try to control every co-worker in site only because they have no control over their OWN lives. Yep, I've had enough.

So I've decided to go to college, to major in Early Childhood Education so I can become a teacher. I figured I could go to school at night (the college is about 2 miles from my office) and in about 5 yrs have my Masters. I rethought that idea many times and came to the conclusion "Fuck my job, I want to go during the day." So I spoke with my manager and got the OK to work partime 3 days a week. On those two days I have off I can go to school.

Before I made this decision to work part-time, I consulted everyone I knew...except of course my Father (the typical disgruntaled work horse, doomed forever to stay in the same position and get the same pay). Everyone I spoke with thought it was a great idea. Afterall, I am only 20 yrs old, why am I putting up with the drudgery of office politics at such a young age?

About 10 minutes ago I dropped the bomb on Pops. First words out of his mouth, "I think you are fucking stupid". Ouch. He belives I am unable to go to school and take 12 credits. He wants me to stay working full time and take about 6 credits at night. At that rate my two year associates degree will be a 4 year nightmare. My father thinks I will fall behind on my bills and go into debt. Its not like I've got a fucking mortgage and 3 mouths to feed. COME ON ALREADY! Its not like I'm 40 yrs old and dropping my life asking to move back in w/Mom & Dad to go back to college.

The next words out of his mouth are, "I am your Father, I know best. You cannot do this, you won't be able to handle 12 credits." What the fuck do you think I am? Do you think I have 47 chromosomes???Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot handle. I think you are dictating to me what YOU would not be able to do.

So in the end I got this out of him, "Do what you want." Ok, well we all know what I want to do. But not having his support and hearing him say he does'nt think I can do it really hurts me. I've been out of highschool for only 2 1/2 years. I don't think thats too much time. Maybe if I'de been out 20 yrs. I could understand him thinking I cannot handle it.

To put this into a little more prespective. My mother has been unemployed and on Workers Comp for about a year now. She hurt herself while working as a lunch aide at my old highschoool. She does not want to go back there. She has also decided to attend college. Full time. In the day time. 12 credits. While she works part time at a local arts & crafts store. How come hes isn't breathing fire down her back? Should'nt our roles be switched around? Why is he telling me I cannot suceed? Is he taking out his anger and fustration about my mother on me? I mean, she's been out of highschool for over 30 years.

Bottom line is, I'm going to do what I want. I'm working part time and going to school. Its my life, not his. And I'm not going to let his negative energy rain on my parade!

I don't think I love you anymore. I don't think I ever have. I think the only thing I have ever felt was attachement. I don't even know what love feels like. People say its like your floating, like nothing else in the world matters.

I want a boyfriend who will come to my house and talk to my parents. Three and a half years and I can count the number of times you've been over on one hand! This may sound kind of superficial to you, but I want a Valentines Day present! Or just a hug for Christ's sake. Anything to show a little emotion. I want a boyfriend who isn't afraid to take me out and meet his friends. I want you to say I Love You, and not just everytime you momentarily dump me.

I want you to know me. You know nothing about me. All you know is yourself, and thats all you care to know. You never ask me how my day went, and if I go ahead and tell you you don't even listen. You never ask me what I love, what I hate, whats my favirot fucking color. I wan't us to be best friends. I want to talk to about anything to you.

God, how I wish I could be happy alone. I am terrified of being alone. I belive that is the only reason I stay here. Love me. Leave me. DO SOMETHING.

All I have are my unorganized feelings. I contradict myself constanly and most of the time make no sense. I feel one thing one second, another think another second. What am I doing here?

Trust is such a fragile thing. The littlest notion that someone could not be telling the truth can puncture the thin bubble surrounding you and that person. It can lead to sleepless nights, paranoia & emotional hell, just to name a few. Even something completly obsurd coming from someone's mouth that is so removed from you could plant the seed in your head that maybe something isn't right here.

After the idea is implanted into your head, its hard to forget. No matter how crazy it sounds, you start to peice together little occurances that could possible make this rumor true. You overanalyze every little thing and in your fevered mind, it becomes an actual reality.

You speak to the person that this has been said about. They are appalled that something like this could even be said about them. They go on and on, getting more and more mad at this injustice aimed towards them. They tell you valid points on why this could never be true, and why it could of never happened. You take it all in, relize that at the moment when you are with them that they must be telling the truth. Everything is OK for a couple of hours, while he hold you in his arms.

Then its time to go home. You lie in bed, the warmth of his body beginning to melt away, leaving a cold, harsh feeling that is creeping into your brain. The trust you felt was reborn such a short while ago starts to quickly rot. Those feelings & insecurities start leaking back into your tired brain. The overanalyzing and picking apart of his words starts. Another sleepless night insues.

These feelings begin on their cyclical pattern. Hot, cold, hot, cold. You wan't to be happy. You don't want to dig deeper, trying to find the truth. Ignorance is bliss, or so they say.

One day you wake up. Anger & discust is pouring out of your head. It has all added up. The pent up feelings inside you have devised a warped reality of what you think it real. He calls, you lash out, your called crazy and its done. Now there is nothing, and you feel strangly relived.

This is how relationships are broken.

This post was edited by POWF on Nov 28, 2003.

Why do people do things over and over again, and pretend that they don't. I don't like it when people say one thing, and secretly mean something else but are just too pussy to say it. And its so obvious to other people around that the things they say they want or are doing is just a bunch of bullshit.

I'm guilty of this too. I hate myself sometimes for being stuck in a cyclical pattern. Some patterns tend to repeat themselves quickly, some take years...but its still a pattern. But at least I admit it (sort of, to a bunch of people in a forum whom I don't even know). But I'm weak. I can rip myself out of a pattern and stay out, but the moment that whoever else was in that pattern tries to get it rolling again, I cave in. Its liked a warped form of peer pressure, but with feelings instead of tangible things.

Maybe because I am surrounded by weak people. I too am weak, and by being around other weak people just disables me more. In a perfect world I would surround myself by strong minded people and then learn from them, therefore becoming more strong myself. But I have'nt really found anyone yet.

So what is life all about? Learning to grow on your own, or learning from others? Its just fustrating to me. I should be able to learn from my mistakes, but I just keep on making them over and over again. I think though, being so young and all, that now would be the time to kick these old habits and patterns out of the door. Because the older you get, the harder it gets.

I'm sure I could learn from my mistakes if I just stopped making the same ones over and over again.

I don't know, I'm just confused and rambling, but hey, its'nt that what a journal is all about?

My mom is a wonderful person. Shes caring, smart, talented....we have our fights every now and then, but what daughter and mother don't.

She went to college for about a year, finished half her associates in Advertising Art. Shes an incredible artist. Then she had me. She took off from school. She quit her job at that time, which was illustrating textbook picutures for college books. She has'nt worked in the feild since 1983.

Then she had my brother. Hes 11 now, and one of the many reasons she is stressed to the max. Not only is the poor woman going through menopause (shes 47 now), but she has an 11 yr old boy to handle and her current job, which is a highschool lunchaide. So she surrounded by screaming kids all day.

Art is her only therapy. She has this thing now shes been doing for the past couple of years. She blows the yolk out of eggs and paints intricate designs on them. She takes orders from people, she paints anything they want. After a couple of years of trying, she finally got this little antique shop east of us to take her eggs in. She was so happy.

Today she slipped at work on some water left on the floor. She was holding a knife. She severed her index finger 3/4 off. Shes in the hospital now. She'll be there untill Teusday. They need to see if she gets circulation back in it, they might have to chop it off.

I know all she is thinking now is "how will i paint". I know she will get used to it eventually, but it will still be very hard. Especailly the kind of intricate art work she does.

Mother's day is on Sunday. I feel horrible. I never relized how much I loved my mom untill this. I know its just a finger, but I can't even think about it because the thought of her in pain sickens me. Its amazing that such a little thing could effect me like this.

I can't stand being anxious. Its this burning feeling in all my muscles. I can't sit still, but I have nowhere to go. I feel like I want to just jump out of my seat and run somewhere, but I know whereever I wind up I'll just feel anxious to get somewhere else. The only time I feel calm is when I'm in transit, from one place to another.

Why do you think that is? Is it because as I'm in transit from one place to another I am anticipating that my destination will be better? But when I get to that one destination, after a couple of minutes I am anxious again.

Maybe its because life is too demanding. Too many deadlines. Too many people depending on you. I detest time.

Who made up these rules anyway. Who made up the whole 9 to 5. Do you know how many extra jobs there would be if the world was open all day? What if all colleges and schools were open all day and night. Alot more people would be educated. And banks! Thats something else that confuses me. On Long Island (I dont know about anywhere else in the world) most of them close at 3 on weekdays. Most people that work all day, or at school are unable to get to the banks, except for on weekends or Fridays. All I can say is THANK GOD for the ATM card.

And what is up with Daylight Savings time? I know it has to do with the suns position and what not, but why on earth do we need to lose an hour out of the day, or add an hour to the day? Who made this stuff up? The key word is MADE UP. Sure, there is scientific explanations backing up this made up information, but in the end, it is still made up!

But I geuss as humans we need this kind of foundation, because we are too intelligent not too have something to control our "society". But intelligence isn't always the best thing. Animals don't have our kind of rules, they just have their instincs. Hungry, they eat. Tired, they sleep.

Its like these rules of society are made to create anxiety. We give ourselves 8-12 hours out of a 24 hour day. It makes people absolutly nuts. Gotta do this, gotta do that. Then we produce drugs to put people on that cannot deal with it, to somewhat fix the problem we created to begin with.

Who knows. Maybe one day we will all transend into a higher plane where we can all co-exist in peace and bliss without the demands we all deal with in present time.

This post was edited by POWF on Apr 08, 2003.