Prothonotary's journal

Well to say the least, this week hasn't gone like I have wanted it to.... I almost got fired on Monday, my friends are starting to turn on me, I almost got into a fight at work/school this afternoon, and I started to smoke again. There are some things thhat I regret that I did recently, but I can't change what I did. I think that I just need to start talking to people instead of bottling all of my emotions and feeling up inside of me. Anyways, I wrote another poem so here it is:

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I can’t feel the pain anymore,
I see the cuts on my flesh but I still feel nothing,
I see the blood flowing down my arm,
But I have no feeling.
The wounds are long and deep but I keep going,
One turns into two, two into three and more and more,
I feel relief but I still feel no pain.
Is it that I truly can’t feel it anymore?
Have I gotten this hard on the inside that I have no feelings?
No! This can’t be!
I have been stabbed in the back and I felt that!
I have been stabbed in the heart and I felt that!
I was stabbed so many time that the pain I felt from that was unbearable,
I hurt so bad that at points I couldn’t take it anymore,
I wanted to get away and escape from reality,
I wanted to go away and never come back,
Back to where I knew the pain was just waiting for me when I returned.
Is this the reason?
Is this why I can’t feel it anymore?
Because I have been hurt too much for too long?
Because I have felt too much pain in my life?
Most people think that I have it easy in life,
Most people think that I am a good kid,
But I’m not!
They don’t know what I have been through,
They don’t know the things that I have had to endure,
They don’t know why I am like this.
They sit and judge me but I can’t tell them to stop,
If I tell them to stop I would have to tell all,
I would have to let them know everything about me.
The good and all of the bad.
I don’t know what to do anymore,
I don’t know what to say,
There are things that I should say to some friends,
But if I do, I could ruin things for good.
I could say things to people that I should get away from,
But I can’t because it is too hard to just let them go.
I should have said a lot by now, I should have opened up,
I should have let people see the real me but I hid behind mask after mask,
I should have let go instead of holding on to things that hurt me,
I should have let go instead of holding on to feelings inside of me,
I should just open up and let go….
If people are hurt, I am truly sorry.
If friends don’t want to be friends anymore, then I understand.
If the people I talk with don’t want to listen then I will be quiet.
If I just open up and talk, I think that I will finally have the feeling back.
Though it may hurt, I will be glad that I can feel again.

~Scott W. DeVries

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If it were only easy to walk up to some of my friends and tell them what I really thought and what I wanted them to know...

Well it is time for me to leave...L8RS

Peace man!
~Scott W. DeVries

Well I am totally confused right now... Things are not going like I had figured and just about everything is going down- hill very quickly.
I have an ex-girlfriend that I have been hanging out with and helping her and her mom do diferent things around the house. I also have another ex-girlfriend that broke up with me 4 weeks ago and things between us have been really rocky.

The problem with my first ex is that I still have feelings for her and I would like to try to go out with her again, but after I thought about it and weighed the pros and the cons, I have decided that, to keep the freindship like it is and be able to hang out all the time, we shouldn't go out again. The only problem with that is everything in me is telling me that I told her wrong and I shouldn't have told her that. I love that we are such good friends right now but should I just throw that away and see if a relationship would lead us anywhere???
The good: It all works out and we are able to be in a relationship that actually shows some promice for the future.
The bad: We try going out again and she or I break it off and someone gets hurt and then the friendship goes poof.

The problem with my second ex is, eversince we broke up, she and I have tried to talk but everytime we do it always ends up with us being at each others throats. She is geting mad at me because I had said that I was being "me" all the time we were going out when I really wasn't. I was being the person that she wanted me to be. she wanted a boyfriend that didn't smoke, drink, cuss, or hurt anyone. Well I was that person when we were going out. When she broke up with me, I shortly there after went back to smoking, drinking, and cussing. Of course I was not doing that around her. I also took it kinda hard because we, (well she and I had talked about so many things like marrige and kids and I had even talked to her about proposing to her), really thought that we were truly in love. NOPE!!! Guess not! oh well....
Well to make a long story short, now that we are talking with each other, she has recently informed me that she is interested in someone else and talks to me about him like she and I never happened.
I just want it to be where we can be friends again and not where we are fighting tooth and nail all the time...

In addition to all that crap, so much is not going well with my friends, my family, and just about every aspect of my life is trying to take a downhill turn and go past rock bottom.

oh well... My moto:
Shit happens all the time... Get used to it and learn to live with it. It probably isn't the first time and for sure won't be the last time!
Life goes on....Are you walking down the road or are you being dragged against your will behind the horse?

Well there isn’t a lot to talk about this time, but there is a lot I would like to talk about but I feel that there will be to many people that wouldn’t understand this information. So far the only people I have told this to is my brother, Bailey and a couple of close friends. Well here goes….

About eight months ago, I got in a relationship with a girl that I had met up here at the Byron Martin Advanced Technology Center. We went out during the school days for about two months and then one night she and I had sex. Well as you already can guess how this one comes out, she got pregnant. She hated me so much that she stopped coming to the ATC and severed all contact with me. About three months ago she called me up and told me that she had gotten an abortion after three months of her getting pregnant. She said that it was her idea and that her family stood behind her 100% on her decision. Of course I was devastated but after a while I figured I would try to get forgiveness for what I had done to her and her family. They all said that they would never forgive me and that I would burn in hell for my wrongdoing.

Well yesterday it was 6 months to the day that it had happened. It was tearing me up so much last Saturday that I thought about and tried to kill myself. Well as you can tell I did not go through with it. I had even written a poem when I was going to do it...

I need a break from it all,
I want it all to end,
The pain,
The memories,
The suffering,
The sickness,
The death,
The anguish.
I need a break from the world.
A break from my feelings
A break from my life
A break from myself.
Pain is the only thing that helps me now,
That takes me away from reality,
Away from it all,
Away from my past wrongs,
Away from the mistakes I have made,
Away from what I have done to other people,
Away from the lives I have ruined,
Away from the lives that could have been,
Away from the LIFE that could have been.
If I end it now, everything will be fine,
There will be no more pain or memories to haunt me
I won’t be living life with this burden hanging over my head,
Constantly weighing me down, tugging at my heart.
If I end it now, everything will be made right…
If I end it now, maybe then I can see the one I killed,
If I end it now, maybe I can finally let go and feel at peace,
If I end it now…If I end it now……

The only thing that kept me from doing it was that I could not do that to Bailey or my family and leave them.

Well I know that I have a lot of people that love me very much because when I talked to them about the way I felt I was continuously told that if I killed myself they would greatly miss me and that if I really did off myself , that they would bring me back and kill me themselves. I still feel like shit when I think back on that but I figure that I have enough friends and family that can help me through this.

Alrighty, it is time for me to get off work… I shall hopefully be back next week. Please feel free to comment and talk. If you want to e-mail me send it to sdevries_777@yahoo.com or call me at 806.789.2502 (I really prefer people e-mailing me instead of calling)

l8rs
~Scott

This post was edited by Prothonotary on Dec 08, 2005.