RICANPUNKBABE's journal

It has been a decade since I don't come here... How is everyone????! Wow, so many things have changed.... I don't know where to begin. But how have you all been? :)

Christmas time... Wow, this year went by so fast! I guess I'm glad it's over, I mean it wasn't the worst year ever, some good things happened but also many "not-so-pleasant" ones.

I'll be going to Puerto Rico the 29th, yeah!! Only for a week but it's better than not going at all.

Well, I just wanted to wish all my friends here at NAO a Super Wonderful Christmas (or Hunnakuh, etc...) and a great new year filled with many blessings. You guys are great and I hope everything goes great for you this year. I'll be getting back the 5th of January, hopefully I can log on and say the first hello of 2005. ;) I'll miss you all and hope to talk to you soon. *Love* :]

How do I begin??? Well, I should probably start by saying that for some reason, I was really sad yesterday. The bad kind of sad, I should explain what I mean by that. To me, there's two kinds of sad, the one that allows you to cry until you have no tears left and the kind that doesn't let you cry and get it all out. I was feeling the previous one...

I do not know why, I hadn't felt so sad in a long time and I was so happy that I hadn't been crying as much, then yesterday, it came again. I wrote all my feelings on my "journal/diary" to see if it would help, but it didn't.

I was crying and crying and for some reason, everytime I cry and get sad, I think of Joel. Joel is a guy that I met at a church I used to go with Danielle (my best friend). At first, I thought I was in love with him, I thought about him all the time and I could never get him out of my head and stop thinking about him. He had told me he was bipolar and that he was constantly depressed. I guess this is why I started to become so close to him, he understood how I felt most of the time. We started talking alot, he liked me, I liked him. Then as time went by, he started to annoy me... really bad. I do not know why the way I felt changed but it did. Now that I look back, I think the reason was that he was going too fast in the "relationship" even though I do not considered it one.

I talked to him about how I felt and told him I just wanted to be friends. He seemed to understand so that's exactly what we became, friends. Everything was going fine then he told me he was leaving to Kentucky. I was kind of sad but I was okay... at least I thought I was.

When he left, as time went by, I found myself thinking of him alot, I missed him like crazy and it made me so sad that he wasn't with me, even though we were just friends. I couldn't understand why I missed him so much...

Then he came back, for a while and I saw him and it was almost like, "Oh, I don't miss him as much as I thought I did." We talked again, as friends, then he left again... Again, I found myself missing him alot!

Now he's here again, close to where I live. I saw him about two months ago and everything was normal, we were still friends, nothing more. To get to my point, when he's far away,I miss him sooo much and I get so sad because he's not with me. Then when he IS with me, he annoys the crap out of me, and it's just different, my feelings change. I don't understand why. Why do I only feel like I love him when he's away? That is so crazy and it drives me nuts becuase it's just so selfish of me.

So yesterday, while I was crying, I thought of this... about how much I wished he was with me but then I remembered how I get when I am with him... I don't understand why this is... I thought of calling him, of talking to him and having him come to my house and make me feel better but then I thought how bad of an idea it was, because if he did come, I'd regret it.

I still miss him, but I dont' know if I should talk to him and tell him I'd like to see him because the way I feel when he's away and how I feel when he is close, is different. Why is this??? I'm so mad at myself for not understanding my own feelings! I don't know what is up with him, he's the only person that has ever made me feel like this and I just don't know if I should just forget all about him... ;(

So, if anyone actually read this whole pathetic story and has some advice for me, please write it... I am so confused and I just don't know what to do......

Wow, I haven't been here for so long. I'm not sure why... I've been really busy lately with school and finally getting my license and stuff... But I was busy before and I still found time to come here....

Anyways, my life I guess has been better lately. I haven't been so depressed and things seem to be going better now ( at least for now). My friend, Krystal, the one that was missing, turned herself in to the police. I felt so relieved when I found out. She didn't say why she did it or where she was. I believe now she has to go to court or something so I don't know when she'll be coming back to school. I'm so glad that she is okay, I was really worried.

School is good, home is good, well better... I'm going to Puerto Rico this month. YEA! ;)

My social life is the same, I guess, non-existing, but I'm dealing with it. It's not that I have no friends at all, I mean I have a couple at school, I wouldn't really call them friends. There is only one person in my life that I can truly call a FRIEND, (if you read this, you know who you are, I love you!)
We've been talking so it's all good. We still keep in touch.

I also heard from Leo, my older awesome "friend" ( I guess) from PEP that I met this summer at BG. He's currently in Iraq, I miss him! He'll be coming back in February.

I guess that's mainly what I have been up to lately. I haven't talked to you guys in a long time, I miss all of you! So, when you read this, I hope to hear from you soon... Email me if you want, I'd love to hear from all of you and see what is new in your life...

So I guess that's it for now... Adios! xxx

Well I haven't written a journal entry in a while... I've been so busy with school, I'm really stressed out! And for nothing because I'm getting at least 2 c's, which is bad for me... Why work so hard, just to get a stupid c?

Anyways, alot has been going on lately.... One of my friends, Krystal has been missing- as in dissappeared, since the 23rd of October... We weren't really close but we did spend out entire summer in the same program, living together, doing the same things. We also go to the same school so I saw her and talked with her many times. Then one day, I go to school and right when you come in, there's a "communications" board... I saw a paper that said "Missing" with a picture on it. I looked at the picture and it was her, Krystal!!! I looked at it and blinked several times to make sure I wasn's confusing her with someone else. Even the police is involved, no one has a clue about where she is... Now, I know that she had some problems with her mom, they didn't get along so well but I still don't believe her mom would do something to make her run away. I mean if she did, then good, I mean it's better to know that she ran away than to know that something worse happened.

I'm trying not to think about it much because I don't want it to lead to negative thinking, I already have too much of that in my mind, I don't need anymore of it. What surprises me is that no one in school talks about it, I mean at all. They have to know, I mean the papers with her picture is everywhere where I live, at the mall and everything.... Are people just not aware or are they actually so cold that they just don't care?
I really don't understand people, how can they not care? I can't stop thinking about it since I found out! I mean , c'mon, someone in our school has been missing for more than a week now.

I wish there was something I could do. I already called all the other people from the program, they don't know anything...

Then to make it worse, I haven't been feeling to well lately, I still feel the same way. I talked to Bobby and he told me that I should try to look at life in a positive way, and try to make a change... Of course, I'd like to do that, that would probably solve my problems and I'd feel better but it's not that easy, I mean I try, I really, really try but I just can't, I always go back to the same thing! I mean, I might get better for a while but then the same thing, over again! I'm really tired of complaining and you guys have already heard this, I mean it's almost all I talk about... and like they say, don't complain if you can't change it, and I can't change it right now so...

Well I guess I should go now... I hope I can come back soon, if only I didn't get so much work!! Well God Bless...xxx

Hello everyone! Haven't been here for some time, I've been so busy with school!!! How's my favorite people doing? Hopefully good. I hope to talk to you all soon.*** xxxx