RICANPUNKBABE's journal

I'm happy I'm able to write here again. I wish I would find things to write about at home. I don't know why but I find it hard to write poems again. I'm sure when school starts again, I will have plenty to write about since it doesn't take alot for me to get upset about something or at people. I've realized lately that I am such an emotional person. I find things that aren't supposed to make you sad or mad, I find them sad and mad. I used to think I was bipolar but I don't know if I believe that anymore. At BG, while I was talking to Bobby, he told me how what he thought of me and the kind of person he thought I was. It was so weird the things he said but they made sense. There were things I never thought about but that were true. He said he viewed me as a "deep thinker", that I think of things that no one else finds important to think about and that I get lost in my thoughts alot. I never saw myself as that but now that I think about it, it is very true. I sometimes find myself thinking about things that are just weird. Then I start to wonder of why I'm doing that. I don't know if thinking like that is such a good thing.As I said before in another post, I believe that thinking so deeply like that can make you become such a sad person and almost not "participate" in the world. It's almost as if you have your "own" world but in your head. I don't know if that makes sense but it's the way I see it. Some people have told me that I am anti-social and I'm not, it's just that for some reason when I see alot of people talking or not just talking, when I see people period, I start thinking about what their lives are like and if they have similar feelings to the ones I have, for example getting sad often for no specific reason and questioning many things that go around in the world. Anyway, I don't know why I'm writing about this because it wasn't my idea... I forgot what I was going to write about at the beginning.;) I kinda want school to start because I know it will make me feel like I am part of the world, even if it's just something stupid like being at school, at least I won't feel like I'm totally useless and I won't have to sit at home with absolutley nothing to do. I'm thinking if I should give it a try to talk to people more. In the past, doing this has only made me sad, talking to people and seeing how the think about certain things just make me sad. But I think I should try my best to be part of something. All right, I'm gonna go now.It feels good to write about how I feel again....

I haven't been here in a while now. I arrived at home already, I'm doing ok I guess, I just miss everyone I was with at BG and I miss coming here everyday. My computer is not working now, so I have to come to the library when I can, and it's not often the chances I get to come here.I wish I could come more often, maybe it would make me a bit happier. School doesn't start until 3 weeks, I wish it was sooner because I just hate being at home doing absoloutley nothing at all. I miss all my friends here at NAO too, I haven't talked to so many of them. I hope all of you who read this are doing great and I hope I get the chance to talk to you guys soon. I got to go now. Hopefully I'll come back soon.Bye friends!!!

I think I already have told some people this but for those of you who I haven't, just wanted to let you all know that from now on, I don't know how often I will be able to come to NAO. I'm in a University program, therefore I am able to visit NAO everyday, but the program is over and now it's time to go home.
:( When I get home, my life will start being boring and meaningless again but to get to the point, I won't be able to be here everyday, maybe once a week if I am lucky. That makes me very sad because this is like home for me, NAO is what makes me a little bit happier and what makes me not explode when I get "those" moments of mine. Anyway, I wish I could come everyday but I will try my hardest to come as often as I can. I will also try to find something to do, a hobby or something because my hobby used to be thinking, well still is but I've noticed that "thinking"- too much- can make you very depressed. For me at least. I think it's mainly because there are just sooo many thoughts that go around my head and I guess I don't know how to deal with all of them. I can't wait for school to start again. Even though it can be very stressing, at least I don't feel alone, I'm surrounded by peole all the time, even if I don't like them. It's weird because sometimes I don't want to speak with anyone, period! But I don't know why that is, I need people around me so that I don't feel so alone. I don't know if this makes any sense, I hope so... ;( I am very sad to be leaving but I will still come whenever I can. Thank you to all of you, you make me feel like I can do it and it's not worth it to give up! ;)

Yesterday was a very strange day for me. It started out, not too good like most of my days. Almost everyone was pissing the hell out of me and I just didn't want to to talk to anyone, I just felt like being alone in my own thoughts. Throughout the day, it seemed like I was getting from mad to sad, I do not understand why. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong and I said nothing of course. I don't understand why they don't understand what "nothing" means. I mean,I appreciate the fact that they are concerned with my reason for crying but if they see that I don't wanna talk about it because it makes me feel even sadder and makes me want to cry. Then, I just exploded, I started crying because I just couldn't hold it inside any longer! I'm not sure why I did this, because usually I am able to control myself but yesterday was just different. Anyway, one of the assistants here, Julianna, wanted to talk to me and I sure didn't want to because I don't know her much, and I wasn't feeling like explaining to her my feelings. But then, we started talking and I actually told her about how I get sad alot for no specific reason, and I told her that I was just frustated becuase I was so tired of feeling like this and I didn't think it was "normal"(even though, I'm not sure what that word means). She actually seemed to understand and I felt better afterwards. What's weird is that I don't think I have ever told a person before the way I truly feel.I mean other than some of my friends and people here at NAO. I told her also how I can't talk to my family about stuff like this because the words just won't come out, hard to explain it. I just can't, I don't want them to know how I feel because I don't like them, truthfully I just don't. It's hard, very but I truly believe that what keeps me from giving up and just thinking my life is a piece of s*** is the fact that I know there are many people out there that also feel the way I do, and they don't give up, so why should I? There are also so many people who have worse problems than I do, and they are making it and not giving up. Here at NAO I have realized that and I am just sooooo extremely glad that I have found this site, because even though it is just a "page" in the internet, that "page" has helped me in many ways. I have found friends that are willing to listen to me and I can also say what I want. So this is my way of thinking today.;) It'll change tomorrow...

I don't understand myself sometimes. I even get confused with my own thoughts and actions. For example, almost everyone I know loves being at home and being with their family. They get so happy when it is time to get out of school/work and when they finally get a chance to go home. I just don't understand why that is. This is going to sound mean or selfish or crazy but is truthfully the way I feel. I don't like being at home, or with my family, mostly my family. I just don't like being around them, or listening to them or just being with them. It's just weird because I know that family is all you have and that you are supposed to be with them and enjoy their company, but I just don't. I don't even know the reason for this. My parents are very strict, they don't let me do much, I can't go out barely, and they get mad for no reason alot. Everytime I get to go home from school or anything, I get so mad becauase I just don't want to be there. Right now, I haven't been at home for five weeks, I have seen my parents because they have came here but honestly I do not even miss them. I know when people read this they are going to think "what is wrong with her?" but I just wanted to get this out and ask for help because I feel like a horrible person for not missing my family or wanting to be with them. I know I am supposed to, but I just don't understand why I don't. Does all this make me a bad person? I won't mind if you guys say that I'm horrible or anything,I just want to hear opinions from everyone because I don't know what to do or how to deal with it. To some people, this might not be a bad thing or big deal at all, but honestly to me it is, because this is not the way I should feel. Well, let me know what you guys think or if anyone has felt like this. I would seriously appreciate anyone's help. xxx

This post was edited by RICANPUNKBABE on Jul 27, 2004.

This is gonna sound really stupid and dumb, but does anyone think that my "face" here on netalive, on the profile is ugly? Somebody told me that and I was wondering. I just want to know everyone, I'm not like retarded or something ;)xxx

This post was edited by RICANPUNKBABE on Jul 27, 2004.