SINISTER_MINISTER_666's journal

All my life i have known i was different.

This is a post about me , and my sexuality , and in a way my life.

Read it, i hope it inspires you or broadens your mind.
If not, sorry to waste your time.

All my life i have known i was different.
I am a woman trapped inside a mans body.

Even when i was very young, i knew i was different.
I have four brothers and one sister.

My brothers would go out, and they would climb trees, play games, normal rough and tumble boy type games.

But i never wanted to do that,they were far too rough.
And i was far too sencitive.

I was much happier at home with my sister, doing girly things, playing with dolls , dressing up, doing her hair.

All to the dismay of my poor father.

He did all he could to try and make me like a *normal boy*.
He took me camping, we went fishing.
I cried when he killed a fish....

At night i would sometimes stand on the top of the stairs and listen to my parents talk, well, argue.

I remember my dad blaming my mother for all of this, saying she encouraged it.

I remember her replying it was just a phase i was going through, and that i would get over it.

Or not..

I remember feeling so guilty.
Why did i feel like this?
Was it so wrong to feel like this?
Why me?

So when i was at home i acted normal just to make my dad happy, i played with action men and i went fishing, and i hated all of it.

It continued when i got into school.
In the playground at break time all the kids would get together and play a game called kissy cats?
Remember kissy cats?
Two teams
One girl team
One boy team

Take it in turns to run around trying to catch eathother if you got caught, you got kissed.

I always wanted to be on the girls team, so that the boys would catch me.

I didnt know what gay was
I knew i was very strange and very very confused.

And as i hit puberty things didnt change, but i decided to be *myself* more, dressing and acting the way i wanted to , although it did result in about 6 years of bullying.

I had long hair that i died blonde
I filed and painted my nails
i wore girls school trousers
And i talked very feminine.

So i was an obvious target for bullying

The boys in school didnt like me, they probably thought i would try to fuck them when there wernt looking.
(Being very nieve i still didnt know i was gay)

The girls didnt like me, although i looked like them, they thought i was weird.

And i didnt like them, they were loud, annoying, if they ever talked to me i just wished they would shut up.

Even the teachers took part, while we were getting ready for PE the teacher would say

"hurry up boys- and you chris"

Which everyone found hilarious every time it happened every single week
The boys wouldnt let me get changed in the same room as them
I used to go into the toilets and put my PE stuff on.
I didnt like the thought of them seeing me half naked anyway.

And as i reached about 15 all the obviuos changes were happening to the boys around me
voices deepening

(my voice never broke- i dont think)

body becoming muscular

(im the skinniest least shapely person ever)

face and body becoming hairy

(im 19 and ive never shaved my face in my life, is that normal?)

and last but most certainly not least

Tesosterone levels going crazy.
All the boys in my classes talking about which girls they liked, how far they had got with such and such at the party, who they wanted to *do* etc.

And i would sit there and listen, and wonder what droves them to do such things,they WANTED to be with,
and it amazed me, how they felt like this.
Why didnt i?

Thinking of girl, thier bodys, having sex with them..repulsed me.

Plus another factor.
I was absolutely terrified of girls, i still am

I cannot talk to girls.
They are loud, they are intimidating, and even the quiet ones seem stuck up.
I dont like girls.
Plus thier bodies didnt do any thing for me.

So i went through my teens living a very sexless life.

Till i was about 17 , 17 and had still never had a sexual experiance.

And then i met this girl.
She didnt scare me like the others, she was sweet, and pretty.

And we became good friends, i never told her about all of the aforementioned so she assumed i ws normal, straight.

So as our friendship progressed, she made it pretty obvious she liked me.
And i thought i liked her too.
Maybe i was normal?
And all the past ment nothing?

My only chance fora relationship.
So i took advantage of it.
I thought i could TRY going out with her, just as a test...

So we became an item.
But i noticed my feelings hadnt changed, i liked her, i found her attractive, but not pysically.

She was very touchy feely,wanted to hold my hand when we were out, hug me for no other reason other than she wanted to.

Id make excuses not to kiss her *i have a cold*
felt sick when she touched me.

She wanteda proper relationship, and i knew i wasnt up for that, but i couldnt bring myself to tell her the truth, so i carried it on.

Soon our relationship did become sexual.
But i would only let her do things i could do witha man anyway.
ID let her masterbate me and give me oral sex
But i couldnt bring myself to return the favour...

I had sex with her, but only anal sex.
After a while she started to twig on and asked me what was up..

the usual female questions

*is it me?*

*dont you like me?*

So i tried to bring myself to have normal sex with her.
Hoping that after that things would some how be ok, and i could get on with things.

As we began to have sex i began to hate every moment of it, feeling her skin on mine, her breathe on my neck, myself inside her.

It was too much for me.
I got off her and i ran to the bathroom
and i was sick.
violently.
leaving her lying there...
her self confidence no doubt shattered into a million pieces.

When i did come back she was just sitting thier,crying.
saying she was a shitty girlfriend.
saying she was ugly.
Thinking it was her fault.

So i told her all this, told her that i had used her, she sat there and listened patiantly.

And when i had finished she slapped me and walked out.

About a year ago a met a person at universisty
A kind, warm, funny. good looking person.

His name was Owen,
and i knew after years of searching, that this was what i had looked for all along.
and everything made sence.
and sex was a beautiful thing
And i was in love.

And i have been in love for six months now.

I cant really think what else to add.so....

COMMUNICATION TERMINATED.

Chris x

darkest greetings

Hello,please allow me to introduce myself.
My name is chris,i am a 19 year old studant at Plymouth university,studying Media.
I come to this site on the more than reliable advice of my dear dark friend sam (aka fallen angel).She wanted to show me the posts she had been writing about our band and the band compitiopn we are competing in for her school.
She has git the message across pretty well,me thinks,a well deserved pat on the back for the little sweetie.
I am one of her afforementioned "unholy priests" a SINISTER MINISTER ,hence the name,and i am unbelievibly evil,hence the "666".
Any way, we rock,
welcome to a new era of sickness....

commumication terminated.

This post was edited by SINISTER_MINISTER_666 on Apr 10, 2003.