Saqqara's journal

Since I have moved out on my own and am working now, I've met lots of new faces and had several interesting conversations with a few. Several have asked me if I have kids and when I tell them no, it seems to suprise them.

I remember in highschool, girls became pregnant all the time. Although it wasn't due to actually wanting a child, they did have one, and most kept it. Asking who was pregnant that week was a sort of small talk, it seemed every month someone new would turn up pregnant. It doesn't seem as if anyone frowned upon it either. Pregnant at 16, isn't that a little young? I mean... you just got your first car, and now you need a car seat for your kid?

I've had a few people look at me while talking about kids and procreation, giving me a look as if to say, "20 and no kids? Better get busy!" The simple truth is, I don't want a child. Ever.

You may be the type to say, "oh sure, that's what you say now, but sometime in the future, you'll want a little bundle of joy all your own!". No. No. Wrong. I never, ever want children. My mother has told me I was selfish for not wanting children, but she can cram it where the sun doesn't shine.

I have never gotten along well with any child I know. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against children, but I don't want one of my own. People these days have fucked up ideas of parenting. Today, if you discipline a child, you get thrown in jail. I've seen the difference. All it takes is 7 years.

When I was growing up, if I did something wrong, I was spanked and told not to do it again, or the consequences would be another spanking. Considering I didn't like getting spanked, that was usually enough for me not to do it again. However, my brother was not spanked. He is a product of this "New Age Parenting" which is a crock of shit. What kid won't get back in the cookie jar if the consequence is staring at a wall for 10 minutes?

Because of society today, and my own personal reasons, I don't ever want kids. Which way to the "Get tied and soldered Out Patient Clinic"?

My roomate and I have been arguing a bit lately over our "company." If you've read any of my journal, you'll know his name is Adam and that I don't care for him staying here. Our most recent argument put me in a rather foul mood.

I have been working on getting Adam out of my house for almost a month now. Timmy invited him into the house when I didn't have a job and could only buy groceries with what little bit of savings I did have. I didn't object then, because it wasn't my place to object. However, since I do have a job now, and pay half the rent and utilities, I think I am entitled to say something about someone mooching off of me.

Timmy knows how I feel about Adam. We've had several discussions on the matter and it seems they all turn out with one of us throwing our hands up in exasperation, usually it's me.

This time, Timmy told me he was dissappointed in me for giving up on Adam so easily. I look back at what I've done for the boy over the past few months, the hell he's put both myself and Timmy through, and I don't think it was so easily. I believe there is only so much you can do for a person when they refuse to listen to you, or actually want your help. Adam is that type. Apparently, the advice I gave him was critizing his lifestyle, that I acted just like his parents, and I should "butt the fuck out" of what goes on in his life.

Apparently, I'm wrong for not wanting people neither myself, Timmy, or Adam knows spending the night at our house. That happens all to frequently when Adam stays here. He invites boyfriends over that he's just met and allows them to stay the night. I talked to both Timmy and Adam, but neither seem to have a problem with it. Pardon me for worrying about my own safety.

Adam has also had a bit of a drug problem. I don't mind alcohol so much, but drugs, any drugs, I will go bat shit crazy on anyone who brings them into my house. I've yelled at him twice over cocaine, although I've never seen any, I want to make sure he knows if I EVER find any, or see him doing it in this house, he's going to either have reconstructive surgery for his face, or in rehabilitation for broken limbs. I WILL NOT tolerate drugs, ever.

Timmy says Adam has too much to pay already to even consider paying rent, but what he doesn't understand is that I have just as much under my hat as Adam. Adam's brother pays his car note, and will soon pay off the sales tax so Adam will have a car to drive around. I have $2,000 dollars in student loans and a school who is getting mighty bitchy because I can't afford to pay it all in one lump sum. However, the difference between myself and Adam is that I am actually paying my share of the bills. I'm not mooching off of my friends.

Apparently, Timmy thinks I have some personal vendetta against Adam, but the truth is, I am just sick of his shit. I believe there is only so much you can do for a person before it turns into getting taken advantage of, and I'm not one who likes getting walked all over. That feeling though, in Timmy's eyes, is me being a cold-hearted bitch. He told me he didn't know if he could rely on me in a time of need, because of what I'M doing to Adam. The truth is, Timmy is nothing like Adam. I would go out of my way to help him, because he would genuinely appreciate it, and would not walk all over me in the process.

Even after explaining that to him, I am an uncaring ruthless bitch. I suppose I'll have to live with that.

Here on NAO, I have been ranked as being 42% geek. I don't know what powers that be determine that almost half of me is geek, but according to today's standard definition of geek, and where I see myself, it should be lowered to like 10%.

Unlike today's modern geek, I don't care about linux. I don't care if a yet another new kernel is released. I don't care if you linux-heads band together to try and force Blizzard to make WoW linux compatible. I know I'm going to get flamed out the ass for this one, but the way I see it is you guys are depriving yourselves of something enjoyable.

Geek: "I'm a hardcore linux fan! I don't use anything that resembles Windows! I even had the windows taken out of my house. Linux w00t!"
Me: "whoo. Want a cookie to get over your nonsense?"

I could honestly care less. The people here in my home town accuse me of being a geek, to which I can't say much, because compared to them, I am. But compared to some of you guys around here, I am your average person who actually knows how to manipulate html and php.

I don't keep up on the newest technological advances for computers these days. I could care less that your video card is 3x better than mine because you bought it when it was brand new and mine is a few months old. I'm satisfied with my computer the way it is. I don't have to have the best on the market simply because it's out and it's so much better than what I bought yesterday.

Admittedly, I spend a lot of time on my computer, as I consider it an extension of my abilities. I can draw, I can write, I can't sing, and even a computer can't make that better, but the other two, my computer serves to enhance my artistic ability, as well as keep me up to date on what's going on in the world. My computer is a form of entertainment and knowledge for me, I don't see it as a baby that has to be pampered and bought the newest available toys on the market.

I am told I have many qualifying factors to be considered a geek. I know html and php, I was attending college for Computer Science. I game probably more than any other chick you'll ever know, even your little sister who used to beat you at Mario when you were 7. I read bash.org and get a kick out of the IRC quotes there, when they don't have to do with masturbation and someone assuming that one day, they will get a bit of poon. I'm satisfied at being called computer savvy.

42% Geek? I think not.

This post was edited by Saqqara on May 12, 2005.

Boy do I have myself a dilemma. I haven't been around awhile for personal reasons, and now that I am back, it's good to have a place to rant again. Lets get started!

Recently due to a huge disagreement (more like a full blown argument) with my mother, I moved out of my parents house and in with a friend. Timmy was a great guy for taking me in in my hour of need, and I really appreciate him doing so. However, his kindness extends not only to me, but to others, which can hurt him and myself.

Shortly after I moved in, a mutual friend of ours was kicked from his apartment in Memphis and didn't want to return to his parents house. Timmy, being the stand up guy that he is, told Adam that he could move in for a bit until he could get back on his feet. I advised Timmy against that, even though Adam and I were friends in high school, Adam is the type of person that will not grow up unless he is forced, and so far, he hasn't been forced. Timmy thought Adam moving in would be a step to improving Adam's maturity, but I knew better. Boy do I hate being right most of the time.

As soon as Adam moved in, problems started. He would beg Timmy for money, and Timmy would give it to him. He would stay out for days at a time, Timmy would worry about him. Here recently, Adam asked Timmy to loan him 50 dollars to pay back a girl for some cocaine he snorted while on one of his absences. I had to step in. I took Timmy aside and told him not to loan the money to Adam, that he would have to get himself out of his own messes. I finally got him to listen, and Timmy refused to loan Adam the money, so Adam writes a hot check at Wal-mart to pay the girl back.

Now, as of today, Adam is stuck 2 and a half hours away, in Jonesboro with his boyfriend because he wanted to go to a party. He lost his job for not showing up on time, his parents are pissed at him, not to mention Timmy and I, and he continues to ask Timmy to come and get him. Finally, Timmy has got a bit of sense in him, and has told Adam no, mainly because we have to work.

Adam has lived with us for 2 months now, all the while, Timmy and I have supported him. He has not offered to pay any of the bills, eats through the groceries I buy like a starving kid in Africa, and then says we do nothing for him. I'd really like to get his free-loading ass out of the apartment, but ultimately, it has to be Timmy who makes that decision. I've talked and talked and talked with him, but he refuses to kick Adam out. I'm afraid Adam is going to bring his cocaine, his partying, his drunken binges here, and I'm going to go into uber bitch mode.

Adam was a great guy in high school, but now that he's out and away from his parents, he's just gone wild. I believe Timmy is starting to get frustrated with Adam's behavior, and I've asked him how he felt about it. He's told me he'd like to get rid of Adam, but won't do it because he has no place to go. I told him he is not Adam's parent, and should let the boy's parents deal with him and his problems, as we've got quite enough of them on our own.

Hopefully, he'll take my advice this time and tell Adam to get packing. There is no chance of him changing his ways, I already know that. I have a feeling I'm going to hate the next few days.

That's my plea. Stop smoking before you seriously harm yourself, your children, your wife, your dog, or your co-workers.

I lived with my mother for 18 years. She smoked while she carried me, she smoked while I lived with her. Now, after 25 years of smoking, my mother has developed pulmonary hypertension. Pulmonary Hypertension is basically high-blood pressure in your lungs. As the pressure forces blood through her lungs at a faster rate than normal, she is unable to get as much oxygen into her red blood cells as a normal person would. This causes her heart to work harder, trying to supply enough blood to get enough oxygen to her brain and other organs. The only cure is a heart/lung transplant, as her lungs have already ruined her current heart.

What is the cause of all this? Smoking. Since discovering smoking was at fault for her condition, my mother went cold turkey on the cancer sticks. She doesn't smoke anymore, which I applaud her for her ability to stop, although I am upset with her for letting her life hang in jeopardy before she decided to quit.

Reading the above may not effect you, if you are a smoker. You may think, "Well that happens to one in a few million, it probably won't happen to me." The sad thing is not reading about someone else's misfortune, it's reading about a result of smoking, and choosing not to save yourself from a similar fate. That stick can't be so good that you risk your life for "one more puff."

My mother is currently on oxygen in order to get enough blood rich oxygen to her organs. They recently upped her blood oxygen level from 2 to 3, which is a major change. Every day I see my mother, I am watching her slowly suffocate. What will she do when she reaches the 100% oxygen level, and it still isn't enough? She is on the heart/lung transplant list, but that means waiting at least 3 years for both. I don't think she'll be able to wait that long.

Smoking leads to no good. I understand addictions are hard to overcome, but think about the consequences. If you don't, you may be gambling your life away over time.

This post was edited by Saqqara on Apr 25, 2005.

I got to thinking about all the things I've done over the past 2 years attending college, and I realized, some of them have been pretty downright mean.

I remember it was raining one morning and I was headed to class. On the corner, there was a Gideon, peddling off bibles to people walking by. If any of you know me, you'll know that I could care less about religion, and the books that go with it, especially the bible. So as I walk by, the Gideon thrusts this little red Old Testament in my face and tells me, "God bless you."

I ignore him and continue walking, leaving the bible in his hand. I figured he'd watch me leave and give the bible to the next person coming along. Nooo, as everyone knows, Gideons are persistant. This one starts following me down the sidewalk, "Ma'am... Ma'am.. please, have a Testament.. Ma'am." I shake my head and continue walking, but he doesn't give up and continues after me. What do I do? I turn around and wait for him to finally catch up to me. He thrusts the bible at me again, to which I push it away. "No. I don't need it. I'm a Buddhist. Now, if you'll kindly leave me be, I won't wish any bad karma on you."

I know that was a really, really horrible thing for me to do, but it made me smile, and I didn't have to cart a red book with me around all day, only to throw it somewhere in my dorm and have it buried under clothes or dust. I fended off a Gideon!

My other despicable act came when a guy from Nigeria just wouldn't leave me alone. I had had a class with him and had helped him understand some of what we were doing. It was a literature class, and he was having trouble with understanding the Illiad. After that, I figured I had seen the last of him, but noooo. He somehow figures out my room number and constantly calls me. It was like Nigerian scam emails... only in person. It finally got so bad, that I would go downstairs to go to class, and he'd be in the lobby, wanting to "walk me to class."

I figured I had made it painfully clear that I was not interested in him by hanging up several times when he called. He didn't get the message. Finally, that day, I snapped. I yelled at him in the lobby, in front of the desk worker, and a few others, "WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M A LESBIAN! I PREFER THE COMPANY OF WOMEN!". I didn't hear back from him, and apparently, that trick works pretty well. Although a few folks in the building avoided me from that point on, I never heard from the Nigerian again. I got a good kick out of that one too.

(No, I'm not a Buddhist lesbian.)

This post was edited by Saqqara on Nov 18, 2004.