Stoic_Slaughter's journal

I was looking around at the people in my grade; the top of my class...the people who do better than I at school in reference to grades and whatnot. Recently I've come to the realization that these people do well because they listen to their teachers and complete their assignments. They cannot think on their own, and they all share the same opinions among themselves. I don't pride myself on being the sharpest knife in the drawer, but they do...and what disturbs me is the fact that they are not signifigantly intelligent. I have always felt inadequate to these people; always felt less intelligent...but a certain circumstance made me think otherwise. My English teacher (I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about her, but boy do I get a kick out of that class) was discussing the symbolism in "The Old Man and the Sea" by Hemingway. She mentioned that the author said there is no intended symbolism behind the story. So, basically, she was encouraging us to deviate from the truth that the author had intended no deeper meaning behind the literature and to go ahead and follow our own opinions which were entirely wrong since the intention of the text had already been clarified. I was so furious with her idiocy that I said some things I should not have said, and she replied "I think it takes a certain level of intelligence to uncover symbolism in literature. I would suggest that you stop taking Advanced Honors English classes." I was shaking with such rage at her idiocy that I could merely mutter, "Perhaps I lack that intelligence." I don't think it bothered anyone else in the entire class. They probably think she knows exactly what she is talking about, and that's fine, but I do know this much; in five years, I shall not be teaching a high school English class in Sumner co. Tennessee.

I'm getting to a point where I don't want to be friends with anyone. It's a terrible effort for me to be social and kind, even to the people whom I hold or once held dear. I'm starting to dislike most of my associates, but I'm still polite. It's driving me insane. I wish I could just say, "Don't talk to me…I hate you," to everyone, but I've been told all of my life to always be polite and kind to others. If I were honest I would feel bad anyway. I really wish that everyone would just ignore me sometimes...or all the time. I regret ever making friends, because although I don't want to hurt them, I want to be alone all the time. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to tell them about myself, and I don't want to discuss my problems. It always comes up, and I end up saying things...but it's not because I want to; it's because I feel obligated to. I’ve never felt so introverted in my entire life, and I feel as though now I still have to live up to my previously bubbly personality. I’ve become so critical of the opinions and thoughts of others that I don’t trust anything they say. Also, something really weird, nothing holds my interest anymore; especially things that I used to love. I'm just sort of like a robot; I wake up, go to school, come home, go to sleep. I don't want to go outside, and I don't want to get on the computer or read or write or anything else I used to enjoy. I wish I knew what is wrong so I can fix it, because I hate feeling this way. Advice, anyone?

But I can't. I have to post some. Just a little.

I know not you
I know not you, bright light of day
which makes my inner tempest say
"Oh life, oh light, why do you stay?
Why must I be exposed?"
My tempest leads me from the light
and only lets me see the night
to make me feel I shouldn't fight
the offer it proposed.
I know not that, my inner storm
devoid of structure, mind, or form
which does not like the subtle warm
of light I do not know.
And so I live each morose day
within a veil of neutral gray
because the light brings me dismay
and makes my tempest show.

::breathes:: Okay. Sorry. I know I said no more poetry, but I lied. Forgive me? :X

This post was edited by Stoic_Slaughter on Mar 20, 2004.

My grandparents are in all candor the best people I have ever met in my life. I'm going to write about them, because you need to hear about them. (They wouldn't want me to do this, but I can't help it.)

My grandfather, who is my mother's father, is a wonderful man. When my mother was a child, he cleaned pipes for companies to support his family. He had terrible back troubles, and my mother has told me that she would sometimes hear him get out of bed and fall down because he was unable to walk. He would then crawl to a chair, sit up, and ask my grandmother to help him with his shoes. He never missed work, regardless of sickness or bodily pain. My grandmother stayed at home half of the time, and worked at Kmart the other half. Now, my grandmother stands at an intimidating 4 feet 10 inches tall. Her shoe size is 5. She is a very tiny woman, and she is exceptionally kind to everyone. She has battled cancer and a stroke before, and my grandfather has encountered a heart attack and endured open heart surgery. They are both heavy smokers, and that is probably why the terrible problems are occurring. You see, I recently found out that my grandmother has both liver and lung cancer. As though that isn't enough, my grandfather has bone and lung cancer. Neither of them is expected to live long. It's very difficult, and I'm trying to avoid it as much as I can...but I'll have to deal with it eventually. I just wanted you all to know how admirable some members of my family are, and how lucky I am to have known them.

Don't you just hate it when you're around people who have oddly similar interests and they go off on some subject they're passionate about (like oh, say...cars) and you're sitting there with no clue about the subject? Or even worse, you try to join in and say something about it, like "Oh, I know what a car is." and they might say, "That's nice." or just laugh. It doesn't really make me mad; it amuses me more than anything, but it does make me feel really ignorant.

So, I've been getting into trouble recently because I ask too many questions. For example, someone might say to me, "Audrey, I'm so happy I'm in a loving relationship. Brian really loves me." and I might reply, "How do you know?" Or, perhaps "Well, I read this thing in a magazine and it said that humans are actually formed from sugar and spice and death." to which I might reply, "How do you know?" Actually, how do you know is a great question, but few people can answer it. The smart ones usually say, "Well, I don't."

I have come to the conclusion that I know more about English than my English teacher. A sad thing indeed. For instance, we are reading Romeo and Juliet (we finished today) and there are several examples of people who are lied to and deceived. My teacher said, "Do you think there is a difference between lying and deceiving?" and of course, I just had to get my two cents in so I raised my hand and replied, "Well, of course...I mean, what kind of a stupid question is that? To lie is to attempt to deceive. The actual act of deception is different." She sort of pursed her lips and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I snorted loudly and said, "Yeah...continue to discuss the fact that orange and purple are identical." Luckily she didn't understand what I meant by that; actually, I guess she thought it was funny. Sad, sad, sad. I should really keep my mouth shut sometimes, though...

So basically my circumstance hasn't changed, but my attitude has. I keep looking back on the post I made a long time ago about how great life is, and I must say I still agree with what I was feeling at that time. Life truly is wonderful, and I am thankful for these terrible times because it makes me that much more appreciative. It's all kind of funny, honestly...it's always better to laugh at one's helplessness and misfortune than to cry about it. It is somewhat bad though, because my emotions are a little messed up. I'm usually just peachy, but certain things trigger odd reactions. We were reading "Romeo and Juliet" in English class, and we got to the part about "Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?" and I was so amused that I had to leave the classroom and I laughed for about twenty minutes and then I wept for about twenty more...followed by more laughter. My teacher didn't notice, and that amused me even more. I daresay if this is the worst of it, I am truly blessed. :)