andromacha's journal
To reply to the question that someone made me earlier today, after not having seen me in a long time, I want to write here a few things that happened to me in these months.
- December 2003 I got engaged. Probably will marry by Summer 2006.
- Have gone on with my foreign languages studies, and I need 4 more exams in order to get the undergraduate degree. I am then planning to go on, and take two more years to get the postgraduate one.
- Have just gotten back from the United States. I was there for one month to visit my fiancè and his family (three wonderful nephews included).
- Generally speaking, I am fine. Both physically and mentally :P
- I am currently studying for my exams. German linguistics on next Friday, and German tutorship 2nd year on the 27th. I pray God that He will let me pass that one, so that I won't have problems in getting my degree (since I have one more after this to take).
I guess this is about it. As you can see, it's not that something terribly exciting happened to me (aside from the engagement thing of course) in the time I have been absent from Nao.
In any case... GUYS IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK!
I have written a short story. It is not finished yet, but I wanted to know what you think about it so far... okay, it is kinda biographical :P
It was a nice party. A nice party everyone enjoyed; everyone but not Johanna. They said that those high school years should have been the best years of her life. She was supposed to go out with guys and to have a nice social life with her mates, and establish relationships with persons her age.
It was Christmas party 2000, and Johanna was getting bored listening to all those shallow girl mates who were talking about their even more shallow boyfriends. Johanna knew it wasn’t her world; she knew that she didn’t belong to that, and however she felt imprisoned in her life, as she couldn’t escape from her destiny in any way.
People would look at her as if she were completely transparent. No one would consider her, and even less care about how she was feeling about being totally ignored. She was ignored, yes, that’s true, but everyday she had to stand the ridiculous behavior of her mates trying to be nice to her to get favors and copy her assignments for the day. Johanna was desperately longing for a little love, but no one had ever shown her not even a little crumb. And it wouldn’t have been so hard… just an “How are you?” every now and again, or a “Hey, we’re going out today, do you wanna join us?”
She was sometimes invited to parties, but only to be asked for favors later, and she was that kind of girl who helps everyone in need of help.
She had some friends; she considered some people good friends, but she painfully realized that they were ready to turn their back to her, whenever she was in need of something. They didn’t give her affection, and they have never realized how alone she was feeling.
The only friends she could count on were Elizabeth and Allison. She’d known them since elementary school, and they were always ready to give her suggestions, help and comfort. Yes, but Johanna didn’t need only the comfort which her girl friends could give her. She wanted someone to love, and to be loved by. She was desperately seeking for her significant other.
Everytime her mates went on telling about this or that guy, she felt sick at her heart; she wanted to live a love story so bad, and hearing those girls talking about having sex and every other kind of relationship with people of the opposite sex would get her more and more depressed. Not that she had never been asked out. She had actually. A couple of times. She’d always had this look for guys who weren’t right for her, and she would always go out with the wrong guy.
Johanna was the romantic kind of girl.
She was profoundly influenced by one of her previous boyfriends. He was the kind of guy who doesn’t care much about the girl he is with. He was just interested in having fun all day long, no matter how and no matter with whom. Well, she fell for him, and even now she doesn’t understand how she fell in love with such a horrible guy. He was completely wrong for her. He kept hurting her during the whole period they had been together, and she kept feeling guilty about that. Yes, because she tended to forgive him everything. He cheated on her, he made her feel ugly and horrible, he managed to destroy completely all her confidence in herself. He hurt her so badly that she started thinking she probably wasn’t made to be loved. She was convinced that probably she wouldn’t deserve one of those wonderful sweet love stories she’s always been reading of in her books.
The guys who dated her made her change her personality completely. She was known to be a sweet open hearted girl, but was obliged to protect herself from the others by showing a strong personality. She managed to build a sort of shield around her, and closed her heart completely, because she didn’t want to suffer again.
The only persons she had some relationship with were Elizabeth and Allison, her two best friends. They would meet and talk for hours about her and their problems, and Johanna was very helpful towards them. They all considered themselves as sisters, and were ready to do any kind of sacrifice to help each other. Johanna’s life lacked of affection, even if she had a warm family to support her and those two nice girls always ready to cheer her up whenever she needed to let her emotions go.
Johanna’s parents never realized what their daughter was feeling, because she was a shy girl, and didn’t talk very much to them about her problems or her life in general.
She was used not to cry in their presence, and she’d always manage to be strong in order to hide her problems, her lacking of affection and her awkwardness about playing the role mother nature had chosen for her. She didn’t feel like a woman; she felt like the worse copy of a woman, and this obviously got her depressed and more and more convinced that she would never find a man who’d treat her with respect and love her for what she actually was.
In a world where appearance was everything, she felt definitely ignored and not equalized.
She was very fond of computers. She’d always been having one since she could remember. Her father brought home their first computer when she was only 5. She would use it mostly to play and later to do her assignments. She never thought, however, that her computer would be the mean to get in touch with the love of her life.
In a room filled up with books and stuffed animals, the computer was the only thing which could give her new emotions, and a way to escape from her sad reality.
In the Nineties, also in Italy there was the so called “Internet boom”, and Johanna managed to get a connection to the ‘net as many of her friends. The World Wide Web was finally open even for her, and with the new technologies, Johanna got more and more able to escape from her reality and dive into another one. A brand new way to interpret the life, as if it actually were the locus amoenus everyone around her pretended to believe in.
The most wonderful news for her was, however, the electronic mail. A way to get in touch with people who lived thousands miles from Italy. People different from her with their problems and their lives; in other words, a whole new world to discover.
Her computer and the Internet got to become her best friends. Johanna would spend a lot of time on line as she was curious about all the small things the network hid in its cobweb. She was interested in forums, where people posted their ideas and their problems and were answered by the others. That was the way she’d been cheered up most of the times she needed cheering up. And the weird part was that it were always unknown people who showed her kindness and a little bit of that affection she’d always been missing.
Okay, this is it so far. I wrote it something like 3 years ago, but please notice that I am quite different now :P I have managed to build my confidence back up and I feel fine with myself. I just was curious to see if there are some people out there that experienced more or less the same things.
6:45 my alarm on the bedside table starts ringing, and I wake up from a nice dream I was having... I know I have to wake up, and get ready to catch a darn tram, and head to my philosophy class at 8:00
Why do I have to do all this? Why in the world do I have to get up so early to get do a useless class taught by a drunk and smoke addicted professor? These are the questions which first come to my mind in the morning every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
Though, I always resolve to get up and get dress. My good will always win and convinces me to do that.
So I thought it was just a normal day... a day like yesterday: I would have gotten there, took a seat for me and kept another one for my friend, and listen to that crazy man's lecture.
It is 8 o'clock, and I am waiting for the gates to be opened. I climb the stairs to the class, just to find out that the professor is not there! The class is canceled out!! Why the heck didn't he tell us yesterday that he was going to a congress today? Why in the world?!
So, my next class is at 12:00. The only logical thing was to get my robes, and head back home. I was dreaming of getting back in my warm bed, and sleep a little more, but now that I am here, I don't feel sleepy anymore, and I know I should start studying for my exams.
If only I had that man here in front of me... I don't know if any of you has ever felt like this before, but I don't wish it to anyone!!
Oh heck!! This is another perfect day!!!
I think that if people thought a little more and spoke a little less, and only after having well thought about what to say, things would go much better.
I am not referring to anything in particular, but in general. People sometimes tend to give their opinion on everything, and they don't care about hurting other people.
I am obviously pro the right to speak your mind as you wish, but at the same time I think that there must be a sort of "canonical form" to do that.
You can write your opinions and your feelings without resulting insulting to other people. Sometimes, even a silly thing can hurt the others, so I think that you should try as far as possible to be "soft", polite and considerate when you express your opinions.
I am not talking about the recent happenings on the site, or anyway not only about them. My conviction is that in your life you always have to respect the others and their ideas, and even when you can prove that they are wrong, you should play your cards without tricks, being polite and gentle.
This is the right key to access to people in my opinion anyway.
Sigh! It seems that today everyone forgot about my existence. My parents are in the living room watching TV. We hardly had a conversation during our dinner time, and then they left the kitchen, leaving me there alone cleaning and everything.
Well, I did that, with the hope to talk to my dear boyfriend. We were up to do that by 9 pm but... nada. Nobody has been seen, and it is 9:30 right now. I told myself that he could have been in late, so this is why I am keeping waiting for him to get online. He didn't write back my e-mails, so I assume he completely forgot about me either. :( Sigh.
Tomorrow I am having another exam, and no one has wished me good luck on it. My parents just keep saying to study over and over. I would need comforting words from the one I love, but at the moment he must have something better to do than talking to me. What else can I do if not keep studying, and wiping my tears?
I know that most of you won't probably realize why I feel so depressed... you can say just because tomorrow you have an exam? or because you aren't talking with your boyfriend as you were hoping? Well, it's not my fault. I tend to get terribly depressed the day before an exam. I don't know why, but it is like that. And for this reason whatever doesn't go the way I wanted it to go makes me even sadder.
I miss my Neil! Sob.
Think about your worst dream, your actually most horrible dream, and then think about it coming true! That was my exam today. We were told it was a multiple choice test... 4 answers, and you had to figure out which was the correct one.
Well, on the contrary there were 40 questions and you had to fill in the right answer without being helped. 40 questions, and 20 minutes to do it!!! That should mean 30 seconds for each question, right? I was pretty sure about what I was writing though, except for say 10 questions I filled randomly. Being the lucky girl that I am, I should have gotten 2 or 3 right out of those.
And it was even more horrible to raise up my head from my sheets to see all the other people in the room staring at the professors like to say "What the heck is this?!" There were the so called famous quotations and we had to write down the author who wrote them... Basically from 3 words you had to understand who was the darn (hopefully doomed to hell) author who wrote it, and the nice part is that there were 52 authors... From the 1200 to the second half of 1900. It was pretty impossible to get everything correctly. I will kiss the feet of the one who managed to get all the 40 questions correct (and believe me... no one could have done that, considering that those famous quotations belonged mostly to minor works of the the most unknown authors!!!)
Bah... Let's just hope I passed it, I don't care about the grade. Even an 18 will do! Keep your hands crossed for me, guys. Friday I will know the results.
This post was edited by andromacha on Jan 15, 2003.
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