andromacha's journal

Well, I've finally made up my mind about which goals I want to try to achieve this wonderful 2003.
1. Take all the exams I have planned and pass them with good grades
2. Go to United States this summer and visit Neil and his family
3. It would be wonderful if I managed to enroll at the same university Neil is in, but I am still waiting for some replies, and I have to convince my parents to let me go (which is the worst part), so it doesn't depend entirely on me.
4. Do much more of a thing I have done this Christmas.
5. Being able to grow even more all the love I have for Neil.
6. Don't get too stressed because of exams and university in general.
7. Be disposable to all my friends, and my boyfriend in particular.

I don't know if I can achieve all those goals, but as you can imagine the most important ones concern Neil and I am very determined to share with him as much time as I can this summer.

So, we finally stepped into the new year. I was considering that none of us will never live in a palindrome year again. I've seen two palindrome years until now, 1991 and 2002. The next one will be 2112.

This first day of the year, I did nothing particular. I wasn't able to sleep until 2 am, because here they kept exploding petards and fireworks till that time. It was really terrible. My aunt's cats were both dead scared by the noises, and it was pretty hard to sleep for humans too.

The good part is that it seems that in Italy we had only 3 or 4 deads caused by petards (against the many more we'd have previous years), so this represents a sort of positive news for a good beginning of the whole year.

There is nothing much I have to say today. No particular reflections on life or anything. The only thing I will say is that once again, I am here on line trying to relax a little bit, whereas I should be studying Italian literature!!! And the day of the exam is getting closer!

This morning I have been reflecting a lot on the meaning of love. I woke up and thought about a poem by Shelley, which talked about that feeling in particular. So I got to take the book to get back all the feelings I had the first time I read that fragment of poem (yes, because unfortunately we have only one small fragment of a few lines).

I think that Shelley got exactly the point of the actual meaning of love. No matter if well directed or misdirected, love is almost impossible to be canceled out. This is the message he gives us, and I actually experienced that.

The boyfriend I was with before knowing my adorable Hawkeye... my love was misdirected, but it still was love, or anyway a strong feeling of affection I had towards that guy. He did nothing but destroying my life, but still, I "loved" him.

How did I realize that that wasn't the correct person to address my love to?
Well, that is a good question. I don't know what happened in me when I got to know Neil. For sure, I got to know what kindness and true affection meant. I got to realize that my boyfriend wasn't treating me like he should have, and that the only thing he was doing to me was spoiling me in any way.

I had the luck to find an angel who has shown me what the word "love" means. I don't know where I would be and what I would do right now hadn't I met Neil. He is my angel, the one I owe everything I have now, and every ounce of happiness I feel day by day.

It is so horrible to see that most of the people you know tend to judge you only because you are different from them. Only because you don't dress in a certain way, or because you don't act as a stupid person.

Neil is so worried about a guy I know. We call him "pus bucket", but his actual name is Edoardo. I don't remember how we ended up calling him that though. Maybe Neil remembers it, I don't know.
Anyway, the point is that while my sweetheart was here this guy came to visit us. I was worried, because I know that he's always been trying to hit on me and I was worried that he would have started teasing Neil (just like he always said to me whenever we got to talk).

Well, nothing bad happened. Pus bucket thinks that Neil is a nice guy (and I would add extra super wonderful nice guy), and Neil thinks that Pus bucket is not so bad, even if he is a little charming...

Err... nothing bad until today actually. I have to say that once this guy was actually my best friend. He's been my best friend until, I don't know why, he started acting in a weird way, teasing and judging me every now and again because I wasn't one of the so called "ragazze facili" who don't care about love and they only want to have sex with every charming guy coming their way.
Since then, I've started meeting and talking to him less often. Now I don't even see him almost anymore.

Well, this morning he came here saying that Neil was gone and that he had the RIGHT to cheer me up. Can you believe it? The RIGHT to cheer me up. I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. He said that the right way to forget about my adorable boyfriend (which I would never want to forget obviously) was to make out with him. I am glad that my parents were at home, because my dad, not seeing me for a while, came down to the entrance of the whole building calling for me.
Obviously I already told him to f*** off and f*** with the women he can find along the biggest streets in Turin, but still... I am so shocked!!
Actually, I wished Neil to be here with me in order to punch him on his stupid face! :)

This post was edited by andromacha on Dec 29, 2002.

Well, yesterday I managed to get to sleep around 2 am, and this morning this beautiful shining sun woke me up at 9. I didn't sleep much indeed, but I needed to get up to study.

I was still looking for my love next to me in the bed, but I soon realized that he's gone.
I miss him so much, but I know that what we have is special and that he is the only man I will love in my whole life.

Today it is a beautiful day. The sun is shining and the sky is blue. It looks like a spring day, and it is warmer than the previous days. I am not even using my winter jacket, since it is so warm. There should be a lot of reasons to be happy you'd say... yeah, but with this wonderful day I am doomed to stay home studying! Darn!!

The good part is that I am going to talk to my love soon, very soon. I really can't wait to hear his sweet voice.
I think he will be glad of being so praised by me, but what I am telling is the pure truth. We've gotten along so well during his holiday here, and our relationship has grown even stronger than before. We are so happy you know, and we'd like you all to be part of our happiness :)

The word more suitable to today is depression! There is this horrible rainy day, and right now it feels like it is 9 pm over here. On the contrary, it is only 4 pm.
I know I should start studying for my exams, but I really am all but willing to do that. How can I think about my studies and everything when my mind is all concentrated on my Neil?

I miss him so much, and he left just yesterday. People say that as time passes the pain eases down. I do hope it is like that, but I can't wait to have him back in my arms again! At least, I hope that these holidays will end soon. I know I am pretty egoistic, but the end of the holidays will mean Neil to come back to college, and we will have the chance to get back to talk together almost everyday.

Well, I don't want to give you the impression that I am a bored and always depressed girl. I have my ups and downs you know. This is just one of the downs, but I am sure going to get back to my senses :)

In the meanwhile, I want to thank our good Jaz for putting up such a corner in Nao. At least I can post my own very personal feelings somewhere, and I know that the closest ones will help me cheering up whenever they get to read my posts and think I am too depressed.
This journal is useful under many point of views, and the one I just told is my personal opinion. I am sure that other guys (like Sifar) will love this corner because it is the right spot to post their poems or whatsoever they like :)

This post was edited by andromacha on Dec 27, 2002.