baffled's journal

Cant sleep, I've been trying for the last hour. some random thoughts swirled around my head. I hadnt been motivated for sometime now and i was thinking of a period of time that i was. when i was about 15-16 i had some vivid drug experiences with a friend, on one of those occasions, my friend who is a year older than me thought he had failed his exams but he actually he hadnt but at the time he was rather distraught , i wasnt that interested in education at that time and mind altering substances, mainly alcohol occupied most of my time but he had an hour or so rant on why education is so important and why it is imperative for a person to do well in exams. In that intoxicated state those words were burnt on my mind although the following day he couldnt remember what he said and he had lost all of his possession i remained determined. For about a year i did nothing but studied and passed. i moved on to A-levels with the motivation and ambition still very much alive but now im about to begin my third year of my degree and those former feelings are very much dead. sleep seems to dominate most of my day and for some time now ive thought if i smoked cannabis the drug that directed me on this path to begin with, would rejuvenate me however nearly every person ive met since then has been opposed to drugs and i can understand why. i lived in halls for year and i shared a floor of 20 boys, and only one of them indulged in the drug who was and probably still is a complete mess so like most people they thought drugs are very bad things although they spent most of their time abusing themselves with alcohol. As they were my friends i felt i had to follow the regime and just stick to alcohol although i've never done anything remotely stupid when ive been high and ive been quite the opposite with alcohol but i seemed bound to it because it was socially accceptable. Anyway this brings me to think or anyone reading this to think; if i feel that the drug would renew me why not just go out and buy some. This brings me onto a different point. although alcohol is a terrible thing the people who drink tend not to be, in the sense they seem rather together people who hold down sensible lives. but the people who i know who do smoke cannabis or take drugs rather than drink alcohol are just undersriable people. if i wanted to buy cannabis right now i only know one person who could supply me with drug and hes missing most of his teeth and hair at the age of 26 and hes probably got an IQ of a grape fruit. do i really want to give my money to someone like that? so im basically stuck in this sober, lethargic, apathetic , ill motivated state. i drink about 3 coffees a day just out of boredom and because i hope they will bring me back to life in some way. NASA did an interesting study on spiders many years ago, they intoxicated spiders with various drugs to see how well they would perform the task of creating a web, the spiders did dreadful under the influence of caffeine, a drug that 80% of humans use once a day, they did terribly with alcohol and cannabis but while intoxicated with LSD the spiders created a geometrically perfect web. I merely highlight this point to demonstrate that although goverments may deem a drug acceptable or legal doesnt mean that it has more benefits for you than an illegal drug.

This post was edited by baffled on Jul 27, 2006.

I didn't know where to post this but i've got exams coming up in a week and i know i wont be able to pass them well.. If im ill on the day of the exam i can take them in august instead so im thinking of ways to make myself very ill for a couple of weeks. Im going to put some raw eggs out for a couple of days then eat them and drink some stale water.. Have you got any other suggestions? The more ill it makes me the better. If it can hospitalize me then you get 9 thumbs up. Cheers

This post was edited by baffled on May 10, 2006.

It was the last day of the semester, so I was beginning to become quite emotional. I seem to be the only person of my group of friends that gets this emotional about leaving or anything for that matter. I put on the songs I played the most through previous semesters to magnify the feelings. Etienne de Crecy – Someone Like You, reminded me of fruitful days. The majority of my friends had already left. And I and two others stayed for one more night. We decided to hit the pub at 5. We played killer in pool. Who ever missed had to drink two fingers of their pint. If you potted the black you could nominate someone to down their pint. I was nominated the most.

My state of mind was sensible in till I started drinking vodka and red bull. I think I’ll steer clear from that drink from now on. One of my friends had to leave early because he had to drive his mother from the airport the following morning. We were at the night club at this point. And it was rather depressing knowing this time last year we were a group of 10. The guys who had entered into relationships had retreated from the group. I don’t tend to know of any couples who have many friends. It seems they decide they don’t need to know anyone else apart from the person they are sleeping with. I think women think of their boyfriend as their only friend and anyone who wants to spend time with him is an enemy.

I missed living in the university halls; I didn’t appreciate how good things were. It seems everything has changed. I don’t see the same face when socialize and I tend to see less people in the bars and clubs. It seems freshers take the first year seriously these days. My year certainly didn’t. I attended nearly all my lectures under the influence. Maybe people have grown up and left me behind. I have had quite a lot of sensible nights studying but I can do that for so long before it feels like a part of me is dying.

Anyway these thoughts disappeared as vodka took effect. My brain had shut down and my penis was in control I began to leave my friend to chase women. And I for some reason I had put my credit card, money, keys and ID in my friends drink. I can’t be bothered to mention the rest of the night. But I didn’t enjoy it. Unsatisfied I went home, lost my friend and my jacket. When I got back to the house he was eating food in living room. Food had become something of luxury this term. The canteen wasn’t a stones throw away anymore so I had to fend for my self. So my main food of choice was tuna.

I don’t know why I made this wager but I had been fantasying about destroying my golf clubs for many months, especially when Hollie stopped talking after I insulted her. I told my friend I could break the 9 Iron in half within 5 minutes. I thought he would have opposed such stupidity but instead he took me up on the offer. So I gave about 5 full swings at the floor and the club remained intact. My arms ached from the vibrations so I thought there wasn’t a chance of me breaking it. But after he said he knew it wouldn’t break I gave it another wallop, half of it flung off, bounced back from the floor and hit me in leg. The alcohol numbed the pain.

The taste of destruction sent me begging for more. So I began hitting the disco ball with the remains of the club. The shards of glass were hurled everywhere then I began to hit the wall, I made two small holes. My hand was bleeding from the glass so I decided to smear an offensive symbol on my stomach. I have no idea why I was doing all of this. The men in white coats should be calling soon. But my friend instead of being shocked from my behavior he joined in. He threw his drink at the wall and began smashing what ever he could get hold of. He grabbed a knife and began stabbing things. I was quite shocked to see him doing such things as he’s normally quite a laid back guy. And this week we were taught of cases involving cases of intoxication and one of them spoke of a man stabbing his friend to death for no reason. With this in mind I retreated to my room and locked the door. Not how I intended to end the term. Lets hope the landlord doesn’t pay the house a visit over the Christmas holidays.

This post was edited by baffled on Dec 19, 2005.

Only an hour now before the Doctor sees me. I’m listening to Faithless- I Want More. I’ve exhausted songs with the slightest religious references. The last 7 days have been the darkest of my life. A knife has slowly been pulled through my body, leaving my soul in tatters. My heart weeps for hours. My mind merely repeats the ugly thoughts. I tremble and my knees feel weak from the emotional strain. Every breath I take I sink another yard. I’ve been smothered by despair, a wave of numbness flows through me. I’ve cried all my tears. Nothing remains.

This post was edited by baffled on Nov 24, 2005.

I wasn’t planning on going out that night. In fact it was the last thing I wanted to do, but my friends peer pressure prevailed, I think it took them 5 minutes. And less than an hour after making that fatal decision I was quite drunk. Soon to be very drunk, we played who ever missed in a game of pool had to drink 2 fingers of their pint. It’s a very effective game.

This should have been the end of the night. We were quite jolly and laughter had rained a dozen times. But the idea of going to a night club loomed. Stupid thoughts are far more attractive when you’re drunk. As my poisoned mind takes over, every girl becomes an object. The night club grew fonder. And without a doubt I was spending the rest of the evening there.

I spotted a few girls I had kissed before. One of them wasn’t impressed; I must have offended her quite a bit when I ignored her for a couple of months. Who would have guessed? But the other was, I hadn't kissed this one before but that was soon to change. She was a terrible kisser; she bit my tongue, lip, neck and shoulder. Luckily the alcohol was in full effect and the pain was distant. I returned the favor by sinking my teeth into her shoulder. I hope it hurt.

After a few more kisses and drinks I asked her to come back to mine, but she had her friends staying round her place and she thought it would be rude to leave them. When the message was clear that we wouldn’t be getting any closer to her that evening I set my sights on the women on the dance floor. After a browse I stumbled across an easy picking. She was too easy in fact. I’ll skip some minor details, we had sex. First time I used a condom but the second time I didn’t. What an idiot.

I decided to leave her at around 3 am. I was at her place and when I stepped out her house I suddenly realized I had no idea where I was. But with the fantastic ideas I’d been having all night I thought every road would lead me home. It eventually did but it took me 3 hours. At first it was an adventure but then it soon turned into torture. I longed for my bed. It was my savior my pain reliever. I stopped 5 people for directions and phoned the police from a phone box to ask for directions. The police officer was surprisingly pleasant. He giggled when I told him what happened and he told me I’d got lucky. He gave a number for a taxi. But the time I tried to ring them I had forgotten the number and I thought it would be impolite to phone him again so carried on searching. A wave of relief came over me when I started to recognize streets. And within a few minutes I was laying in my bed.

When I awoke, what I had done hit me like a punch to the chin. She told she had slept with 50 guys. I felt sick, I was sick; she must be riddled with diseases. And I’ve given myself another reason to go to Hell; I might be heading there at a faster rate if she’s given me a present. I felt ashamed, stupid, damned. She wasn’t worth dying for; she wasn’t worth killing for she wasn’t worth going to Hell for. I’m trying hard to forget.

Poison has shaped many decisions of life and many more to come.

This post was edited by baffled on Nov 26, 2005.

She has the typical features of a beautiful woman. I didn't think even for a brief moment she could ever be mine. And I felt ok in that place, I accepted it. She sat opposite me in a lecture. Our eyes crossed paths a couple of times and each time I froze. She approached me several days later. I asked her for her number, she wrote her name as Kat. A series of encounters later lead me to believe she liked me. I knew I could have easily fallen in love with her.....She told me to meet her at 6, it was my mates birthday and we hit the pub at mid day, my insecurities smuthered me and I couldnt bare the thought of her seeing me. My heartbeat increased as time passed and I only had my drink to comfort me. She didnt talk to me with the same emotion again. Now everytime I see her I think of how I threw away the opportunity away. A pearl back to the sea. She crept into my mind a thousand times over the summer and the thought still returns, each one as painful as the last. Wondering if I were born to walk alone. I yearn for the opportunity to arise again.

This post was edited by baffled on Dec 07, 2005.