broken_dreamer's journal

So this was supposed to be the first calm week of work, but it has also become the busiest week for everything else. I am stressed to the max, and I cannot seem to focus on any of my work for one thing clouding my mind.

Some of you may see it as silly, but.. it is not to me.

The past week or so, I have been thinking of joining a sorority. I know, I know... sounds crazy. But this sorority is different. It was founded here 6 years ago and is the only one of its kind. It is not the stereotypical social sorority. It is based on the same moral principles I live by each day. My best friend and some of my coworkers are in it.

I am just not sure.

I had my interview tonight and I will find out on Friday if they have given me a bid (accepted me, for those who do not know). I have always been one of those girls that swore I would never be in a sorority and I will admit, I even mocked the "ditzy, shallow girls." Who knew that there were good sororities out there? (I don't mean to put down any organization. I just mean "good" in the sense relative to me and what I believe.)

I know the influence this group of girls has had on my friends that are in it, and the majority of the girls in it viewed sororities the same as I did.

For some reason, I am having a difficult time deciphering whether I am considering this because I am genuinely interested or only because others want me to do it. Is my heart going to really be in it? Am I going to have the time and be willing to give it? I am already taking on a full load between upper division classes and this RA job.

But then I think, "I know three girls who are RAs, taking more classes than me, and have time to dedicate to this sorority, so surely, I can, too."

I still just.... don't know.

I do know that this has been an aweful lot of rambling, and I apologize, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

So, my friends, it has been a rather long time since I've ventured here, and my rating has greatly suffered... but it truly isn't a meassure of who I am, right?

Well, I'm back in action, I suppose you could say. I wasn't all that busy over the summer, but I felt a lot of change come over me and became so consumed in work and analyzing my life that I barely had time to do much else. I have learned so much about myself and developed new characteristics the past several months. Particularly, I got tired of being walked on and being unhappy because of what I didn't have in life. I have lost count of the days, weeks, months... even years I spent simply seeking pity because I was lonely and "needed" a companion.

No more.

Here I am, born anew. Granted, I will always have those times when I get lonely again. Who doesn't? However, I give praise for the incredible things and people that are in my life right now, and I can't believe how blessed I truly am. How did I miss this all these years? How blind had I become? My eyes are far from completely open, but I can at least see a little light ahead.

I'm 20, young and available and loving life. I still hold to my morals, but I'm not going to let my lack of companionship hinder my happiness. It's dull and boring and no one wants to be around anyone like that! I just want to have fun right now.

With that in mind, I moved back to school.. wow, almost 4 weeks ago now. I'm a resident assistant this year, and it's been a blast. The entire staff is like family. I have learned a lot from them all, one person in particular.

A young man on staff in my building and I got to talking about a variety of topics one of the first nights in town, and just in talking to him for that short amount of time, I wanted to change even more. I wanted to become a better person just by listening to him talk about his beliefs and his life and the people he knows. He never talked about anything world-changingly amazing he did or about how great everyone thought he was. He just talked about things. He's an incredibly humble person, and such an inspiration. It's such a joy to just be around him. And yes, there have been several others who have inspired me on various levels since I have been back, but he has especially.

In the past several months, I've also thought about my life and what I want to do with it in all aspects. I've opened up my spiritual life, family life, everything. Two and a half years ago, I was the quietest person in a room - the one who sat against the wall even if she was in a room full of her friends. In the four weeks I've been here, I've made more friends than I can count, and I continue to make more every day. I've come into the person I truly am. I've embraced her and let her loose for all the world to see. I shock and amaze my boss every day with the things that come out of my mouth that she never expected (not necessarily always bad ;).

All in all, I suppose what I really wanted to say is that life is just peachy right now, and though I'll never have all that I want, I definitely have all I need to get by and be incredibly happy. My resources continue to flourish and my soul continues to soar. I couldn't ask for anything better, nor would I want it.

I was lying on my bed this evening, listening to the public radio station playing some sort of choral ensemble. Really rather conducive to thinking, if I do say so myself. And so I thought.

I thought about my feelings, my emotions, my life. How I approach my life, and how I deal with my thoughts and emotions. I came to few conclusions, and even fewer useful ones. I can only describe how I feel when I feel, and that leads to nothing, really. For you, a look, the smallest glimpse within me:

Trapped, enchained. There is darkness, and the damp air thickens and curdles around you as the smell of mold and mildew and anger reproaches you for seeing the penitentiary that is my mind. Me they reproach for the mere thought of escape. The guards walk the narrow and ill-lighted corridor, clanking their batons upon the bars of my cell. Rusted, yet strong. They are loud and cold and bitter, especially that they might imprison me. My emotions stroll the length of the hall, cackling at my misfortune. I have but one window, yet it too remains solid and barred, with smoky and opaque glass beyond the bars that hides the rays of sunlight that might otherwise sneak into my abode. Water drips slowly upon the floor, and I lie down to rest on the frigid gray concrete.

No rest enters. No brief respite from the memories that flood my mind at every chance and moment they might have. Happy memories, sad memories, sexual and painful, comedic and tragic. Yet memories just the same. And thus, unfortunate. Trapped, and chained, I am, and I remain.

The seclusion of the soul takes over. The silence from the inside drowns the noise all around. Alone in a crowd of thousands, she falls to the earth as her heart empties - her body empties of all energy. She is alive, she is breathing, but that is all. She cannot move within the cage, not even the blink of an eye. It has put her in an iron mask, from which she must watch this impostor masquerade as herself. She is powerless, and realizing this, she gives in to the dark silence, forever slowly falling as the shattered pieces of the world she once knew surround her.

This post was edited by broken_dreamer on Nov 25, 2005.

At the risk of sounding shallow, I do not miss my family, except for one member: my younger brother. I get homesick every now and then, but I really only miss him. Of every person I've ever known, he knows and understands me the best. Ironic, isn't it? That a person who cannot even speak can do that?

Him and I share an incredible bond, different than any other. It's really wonderful.

It also amazes me that although it seems we are the ones taking care of him and teaching him new things, he is taking care of and teaching all of us even better things.

It's so strange... he can look right through me. He can look past the eyes and into my heart and soul and read them like a book. It's almost like we share them.

So many people think that because he cannot speak, and because he sometimes will not do what is asked of him, he is mentally retarded. But they could not be farther from the truth. He is incredibly intelligent, and like every person, will not perform if the activity presented does not interest or challenge him.

His teachers are working on getting him a computer that will speak for him. He can select the words to make sentences and it will speak. I hope that everything works out. As much as I understand him, I do not always know what he is thinking. I've always wondered.

Worries.

They plague the mind, heart, and soul. They are both good and bad. I worry all the time. I've had terrible worries for the last few days. Part of me tells me they are useless, part of me still believes in their possibilities.

I used to say I worry too much, but not any more. I worry more than I would like to, however, the only way to stop worrying is to stop caring. I care too much about the people in my life to stop.

Worry creates great stress. Everyone says "Go find stress management." I now know that there is no way to manage stress, or stop it. There is only self management - learning how to handle yourself in stressful situations. That can make a big difference.

It is all much easier said than done, as I know from first-hand experience. I'm trying really hard to do these things, but it's difficult not having my therapist to talk to any longer. I really wish he were here. He's the one that told me all these things of worry and caring and whatnot. It's a shame I only got to have five sessions with him. I sometimes think about giving him a call and saying, "I understand your workload is full, what with all the cases and the new births in your family, but is there anyway we could possibly talk whether it be through e-mail or whatever?" But... his wife just had twins, he's busy with them and the two year old. And I remember him talking about all the work he was doing and how tired he looked every week. I don't know. I think I need it. I just hate putting people out. And I don't know that he'd go for it considering it'd be on his on personal time and he would get no money whatsoever for it, and that would be hard with a wife and three kids to take care of and his own practice to run.

I thought about going to see the school counselor, but it isn't the same. The things I need help with, I would need someone who knows a little bit of, shall we say, background. Dr. D only saw me five times, but he already knows a lot about me. I often wonder if I should have talked to him about the possibility of medication. After I began meeting with him, I no longer felt I needed it, but these last few weeks could have been so much better had I had something.

I'm trying to be the happy person everyone thinks I am. I'm trying to fight this depression that I've had for so long. I still have moments, even days of joy, but I still have days where I fall so hard. I guess I wasn't completely prepared for these feelings again. I was doing so much better until I had no therapist. I hate to sound dependant upon one and upon medication, if that should happen. But I have learned that it doesn't matter what people think. I have a terrible medical condition that is the cause of so many deaths. I know I would never do that, but it is still something I find myself thinking about. And no one should have to live with those thoughts..

Few people know of my problems. I know they care about me and try to help me out, but there really isn't anything to be done. In the end, I'm still going to have a chemical imbalance that makes me the way I am. I'm not telling these people to stop by any means. Those moments they give me that make me forget all the pain, even for a very short time, are pure bliss.

Some that may read this or find out may think it's nonsense, that there is no such thing or whathaveyou. But to them I say, it is all fact. I used to think I was making all this pain and sorrow up, so for years I went to no one because I was afraid they would think the same. But it's all very real. It is real pain. Terrible, terrible pain. I don't care what those people think. For once in my life, I just care about me and making myself better. If I am feeling this way all the time, there is no way that I can give everything I have and am to the ones I love. And that is what I want to do, what I feel I have to do. Give all I am to them.

The only reason I have made it this far in life is the by the grace of God. He has been with me every step of the way, even when I failed to believe so at times. He led me to my greatest joy about six months ago and that is what keeps me living. I don't mean living as in on this earth physically, but mentally. As I said before, I would never take my own life, but if I had not had God and the angel He blessed me with, my life, my mental life, my soul, would have been taken from me. It is still trying to escape, but I won't let it. I have the Angel of angels and the King of kings on my side, beside me every step of the way. A guide here on this Earth, and a guide from above. These are my wills for life. The only reason I do no give up. Without them, I don't want to think of where I'd be.

I love my Earthly angel. He supports me no matter what silly goals I may have. He makes me happy beyond words. He sometimes upsets me, but this is good. Feeling anger or sorrow about something reminds us all of what we care about most. I care about him most. My only light in my deep darkness, leading me out of this pit. He doesn't realize that just caring for me is more powerful than all the riches of the world. They would never make me happy. He doesn't have to say anything. Just be. Just care. Though words do help as well. :P

I now understand what my mom has gone through since she was my age. I cry for her. It's so terrible. She is so strong. And my Grannie. Oh, the trials she has had. Both of these women are amazing creatures and anyone who does not see this is blind. They may have the hard outer shell, but that is nothing like what is on the inside. My inspirations. I look up to them both. If they can do it, I can do it. Even if the end often seems near.

I'm feeling a little better now that I've written this. Even if no one reads it, just knowing it's out helps. I'm still wondering about calling Dr. D, but until I decide, I can only take one moment at a time.

This post was edited by broken_dreamer on Sep 10, 2005.

This will most likely be short, seeing as I'm too drained to go into too much detail.

I got in an argument with the most important person in my life today. I didn't mean to. It just happened. Things were misinterpreted on both sides, creating conflict.

Anyway, it wasn't this sole argument that made me hurt. I hurt every time I get in a fight with someone. You know the drill. First your mad, then you're unbearably depressed. At least, that's how it goes for me. I hate having someone upset with me, especially this person in particular.

But I know that no matter what, I'm not going to make everyone happy all the time. Still... it hurts.

I feel like a child in a situation where both parties should be equal. I sometimes feel like I'm being looked down upon by this person, but I don't know if that's the truth or if it's just me making things up.. I don't know what to do.

The day has been terrible, simply from all the worry from a 5 minute conversation. I'm just trying to remember this:

"Arguing is positive, for it reminds us of what we truly care about."