broken_dreamer's journal

I just made a great realization.

Had my parents not divorced, like I've wished for so long, I would not have turned to God when I did. It would have been much later in my life, if at all.

My dad had a lot of issues while they were still together. Once he lost her, he turned a complete 360. It was HIM that sat me down with a Bible and explained it all to me. It was HIM that read me stories from it as I fell asleep. It was HIM that gave me my first Bible. And it was because of him that I was saved when I was 7 years old. My mom never did those things. She talked about God and we went to church and whatnot, but she never did those things.

All these years... these 13 long years... I wished things would have been different and my parents could have stayed together. But now... I see that it was supposed to happen that way, and I am now thankful for it.

I'm not trying to preach or whatever. It's just something that's important to me and that I've struggled with for so long. It feels good to finally be at peace.

I have to go call him and thank him.

Alright so...

My roommate's mom just called a bit ago to let me know that because of the hurricane, schools back home are closed. She proceeded to tell me that when Katrina gets in our area, it will still be a tropical storm, and a big one at that.

I've been looking online at weather updates and my TV is stuck on the Weather Channel.

I'm not usually one to get scared over weather stuff, but it's an understatement to say I'm not a little freaked out right now.

I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. I'm a deep sleeper at times and I'll be too afraid I'll sleep through any potential tornado alarms.

They haven't cancelled classes here as of yet, and I don't think they will. But I'm not the only one I'm worried about. From the looks of things, my family and friends back home are going to be hit harder than here. My brother's life depends upon electricity. This is not good. Yes, we have a generator; HOWEVER, it is gas-powered, therefore it must be kept outside at a safe distance from the oxygen inside. If the rain and wind (and possible hail) is crazy, no one is really going to be able to get out and start the bloody thing.

I've tried calling home just to check in. The line is busy and call waiting isn't picking up.

I need to calm down, but the more I think about it, the more scared I become. I'm trying to stop thinking about it, but that's a lot easier said than done.

I think I'm going to cry.

I've been so busy working that I've been too tired to really post anything on here in a while. In what spare time I have had, I have had to get my car fixed and shop for stuff for school.

I can't believe that move-in is just over a week away. It seemed this summer would never end, and now that it is here, it's coming too fast. I have so much to do. I'm only going to have a day to pack all my things because someone quit without notice last week and I was stuck with her hours on top of mine. I'm not complaining too much, though. Just more money for books and the like. :)

I'm going to miss my family, but I'm really excited about getting back to school. Not just for the freedom and getting to see all my friends again, but I'm looking forward to most of my classes this semester. It's going to be great.

It's funny how when I was younger, I hated the end of the summer, and now that I'm older, I look forward to it. Call me weird, but I don't care. I'm enjoying my education. :)

This post was edited by broken_dreamer on Aug 15, 2005.

I've had nothing but stress for the last week. Well, that is no more. I've had an epiphany.

I don't know how. I don't know why. I'm just glad it came. It's just like all the worry has been lifted from me and I feel like everything will be just fine. I can only do what I can and I have to trust god and others to take care of the rest. I'm only human and I'm only one person.

Some things are looking up. Some things are not. But right now, I haven't a care in the world. I'm happy, truly happy. And that's something that doesn't come often, so I'm taking full advantage of it. To add to all my happiness, I added two books to my collection this evening.

Being Alexander by Nancy Sparling
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold.

I'm nearly done with the first. I also received a job offer by the owner of the book store.

My only complaint is that my eyes hurt from reading for the last few hours.

Take it for all it's worth... when you can. The chance won't always present itself.

This post was edited by broken_dreamer on Aug 03, 2005.

As life slowly develops more clearly, I am puzzled by the topic of relationships. I have never been in one and for so long, I have desired nothing more than someone to share those special feelings with. Currently, things are changing... sort of.

I'm finding that being alone isn't so bad unless I make myself miserable over it. I still have times where I wish to meet someone, but it will come when it comes. There's no use in letting it consume me and bring me down any further. I have enough things in my life actually worth worrying about.

Today was my Grandpa’s birthday. He turned 76. Wow…

I thought of him a lot today, as I find myself doing quite often. It never ceases to amaze me what an incredible man he is. After all he’s been through, he is still the most faithful man of God I have ever encountered.

He loves children. So much so that he has dedicated over 30 years of his life in simply making sure a group of church buses go out to pick up children all over the area who otherwise wouldn’t be able to make it. He also goes out to each of their houses every Saturday passing out candy and seeing who is planning to attend the next day.

In the absence of my father, his son, he has done all he can for myself and my family. Not just my siblings, but my mother (his ex-daughter-in-law) and my brother of another father as well. He is such an inspiration and encourages all of us so much. Despite the fact that my parents have been divorced for 13 years, he still remains an important and welcome member of my mother’s side of the family.

Everywhere he goes, everyone shows him such great respect, and it isn’t because he enforces it in them. You can just see the way the people in a room light up when he walks in. It’s amazing.

He is the only person to always tell me how proud he is. Don’t get me wrong, my parents and other loved ones tell me that, too, but not very often. His words of wisdom and encouragement mean so much to me. The day he passes on will be incredibly heartrending.

Simple gestures he does have so much meaning and emotion behind them. For example, my sister and I called him today to wish him happy birthday and he asked me when my next day off was so he could take us out to breakfast. Nothing fancy or expensive, just time to be together. We’re going to meet him first thing in the morning. Short moments such as these are things I miss so much from my childhood. We did those things all the time. As I grow older, it becomes more difficult to spend a lot of time with him, but I’m trying so hard. Being away 9 months out of the year proves to interfere, but that isn’t really an excuse. I often feel so sad while away at school when I check my voicemail and he leaves a simple message saying he was thinking of me and he loves me. Just thinking about all these simple, special things brings me to tears.

This post was edited by broken_dreamer on Jul 08, 2005.