harold_maude's journal

The last few days have been interesting to say the least. I have been wrestling with anger at way too many things.
And on top of it I have learned more about the one world goverment that is hot pursuit of humanity.

And I gotta be honest here, nothing makes any sense anymore.
not that it has for a while now, but now it all makes even less sense of any kind.

It's all comming out now, the history, the plan, the adgenda, everything. It's everywhere. And I find myself looking at it and wondering what the deal is with wanting to control the world.
I'm finding that I want off the planet period.

I find myself enving thoes who are dying now. They don't have to deal with any of this stuff anymore. The madness of humans in full display, humans killing humans.
We don't eat them so what's the point?
If we were a canablistic species then humans killing humans might make some sense.
As gross as the idea is, at least the senseless genosides that keep increasing would make sense.

In all of this I have found myself wanting to become an indistructable transformer and go on a seek and distroy mission for the sake of humanity.
I'm sure I'm not the only person in the world who has felt like this.
I won't be the last.
I just know today, I want off the planet. I want a rocket ship and I'll take thoes who will come with and we will get off this rock. But I don't have a space ship, and as far as I can tell I got a while to wait before I get to leave, so in the mean time I will try to be happy, even if it's only a game that I am playing so I can keep going from day to day.

I'm sure that most people have heard this phrase: "If there was one thing you could change in your past, what would it be?"

I've always marvled at the idea that any person after a certian point in time would only have one thing in their whole life history that they would want to change. How can anyone have just one?

I have sheets and sheets of things, events, thoughts, words, choices, opinions of things that I would love to go back and change it. Just because of how they made me feel back when ever and when they come to mind, I still feel the same way.

I can't change the past. No matter how much I want to. Even if I could go back in time, the reality of this existance would just split off and become it's own reality. Nothing is lost. At least that's one theory floating around out there.

String theory. That's what it says, if I understand it right.

I tried to find a line from any place in my life to the orginal moment that everything began to go this way or that way, and there are somethings, events in my life that stand out, because they changed something about me.
I don't know how many of thoes I've had in my life, but there are certian ones that stand out stronger than others.

How I understand what art today started with an ephany that changed everything. It opened my eyes and started me on a journey into the world of art that I never found in any class room.
Or book, or video anywhere.
This is what I know about art today:

art is not just something a person does or is.

While these things are true, there is much more to what art is and what art does than just thoes two things.

art is a way of seeing because you are seeing with your own creative filters.

art is the primal language common to all humans.

art is a dance between you and your materials of choice.

It's the music you hear in your soul and see in your mind and feel in your spirit that drives you to create.

If it's not, then all your doing is being a really great technition. It may be wonderful beautiful art, but if you keep yourself in the observer position instead of a particpant position while your doing art, then what part of it do you leave as the story teller? The memory stiring immage? The lone voice talking about the passions of their heart, wispering it through the layers of color so that only you hear it?

Art is ment to be a living history of us, the human race. Everything you see around you had to go through the process of being an idea, gathering materials, and creating. Art's hand prints, all over the place. There are written and pictorial histories of fashion, ideals, living styles, everything that is documentable about human experience.

With out art, none of them would exist.

....I just noticed something. I started out in one direction and ended up here. I'm smiling.

My thoughts seem so interwoven lately. Like tangled roots on a tree. I keep seeing part of this really big picture, and I want to see the whole thing.
It's just like wanting to see a planet you've only seen in magazines. Pictures are awesome, but seeing it with your own eyes, now that's an experience that is first person.
You get to say what it's like to view that planet. Because now you have an idea of the emotions attached to it.

Now it becomes part of a mental reference library complete with a new entry in our, what did Terrance call it? our culterally sanctioned dictionary..yeah, he was the one I heard it from.

Terrance Mckenna, one of the greatest minds of our time.
He died a couple of years back. It was a huge loss for humanity.

Back to my orignal thought...I can't change the past, I'm who I am today because of the past. All I can do is make the choice to be the best I can today. In what ever I do. That's all.

I don't like that my past is comming up in my thoughts on a regular basis here lately. I know I have to deal with some things. So fine. I'll deal with them.

I would rather go forward. Don't hit so many trees along the way that way.

I wish I could see to the end of the block.
Past the trees and mail boxes, cars, and other obstructions.
At the end of the block, so I'm told, is a new beginning.
A walk right of the edge straight into something new.
That's why I want to go there.
But it's scary too.
To just walk right off the edge like that?
They never tell you how far you have to fall?

I wish I could see to the end of the block.
See the end of the world clear and in vivid color.
To touch the edge with my finger tips and feel it for my own.
If only the trees would move across the street for a little while.
I could really take a look, before I decide to go there.

I wish I could see to the end of the block
the one that's inside of me
the one hidden behind all the trees planted by wishes and dreams.
I'm on my way there and someday I'll get there
to the end of the block.
I won't have to wonder then, what's at the end of the block.

I was thinking about a friend of mine today. She is one of the strongest women I know. She's been through alot, and has survived alot. She's my best friend.

Our lives have paralled almost since we ment over 20 years ago. I can't believe it's been that long. Time flys when your working on living.
I was going to write to her about how I'm feeling and it just felt way too selfish. I told her how I feel about her and her husband, they are family.

It was nice actually to not think about how messed up my head is these days. And spend some time instead telling my best friend how much she has brought to my life. I thanked her for being her.

As I was writing I noticed that tears were falling down my face. I noticed how much I miss her. I haven't seen her is a long time. I've seen pictures of her. And she is still a beautiful woman and that's because she is in loved and married to her perfect soul mate.
It's awesome when you get to see it.

I think when you cry over something so beautiful it's your soul crying, because it is so beautiful.

And I would rather think about that and cry over how good that makes me feel, than to feel sorry for myself any day of the week.

I really actually don't know how I feel. I haven't for a few weeks now. And I don't know what to do. I don't know how to solve this puzzle so that my feelings will come back.
This was a good thing to do tonight because I was able to tell my friend how I feel about her, and that is a step forward.
One at a time.

I am determined to climb up this hill. Step by step. And I'll make it out of this place. It's been very strange. I've never been frozen before. That's what this has been like.

I've just had to accept it. I think that's part of getting out of here as well. I wish I could carve my initals on some cave wall to mark the journey.

Well, I've got some things I need to try to get done. I'm aiming for 4 or 5 I'll be happy if I get half of them done.

g'night

I have been studing languages for a while now. Not how to speak them, but their corolation to numbers. I know there is a direct connection between art and languages because of the symbology of the letters themselves.

I have made a direct connection from letters to numbers, mathamatics is written in a definate language. It does combine words with the symbols of the mathmatical language.
I had to add the language that the computer uses to express something we can all see and understand.
The basic letter system, is zero and 1. A binary system, which when used creates a third system, that is the written to visual language that we use when we use any computer soft wear. ( I hope I'm wording this right.)

So for the last few weeks I have been looking at different symbols and some ancient language texts, including ancient art, artifacts and writing systems.

Then this morning I stumbled across a site on symbology. It looks at why symbols are important.
I hadn't thought of that. Not as a part of this research on language that I have been doing.
Actually it started out as studing communication. And it was Terrance McKenna that I heard speak about the problems with communication.

I've listened to and read his stuff, over and over, trying to wrap my mind around everything he is talking about. There are volumes of thought in the things he has to say.
He left alof of information for the benefit of all mankind.

Anyway, After I read that statement on the smbology site, it hit me that there is a progression with attachement,
(everything learned is added to by more learning. It becomes part of our experience and language bank.)
And that it is tracable, provable and explainable. This is what I've been looking for.

Ok. Here is the progression
man has an experience. man records the experience. history of the experiene remains.

Art is the first language that man ever used to record and document life.
Cave drawings, paintings on interior walls of caves, the immages on the walls of the pyrmaids all show that art is the first language.

These drawings are what we know as symbols, the immages that represent a thought, a tradition, a physical and or spiritual state of existance, animals, each different language group has a base pictorial reference for the animals that were common to the geographic area.

There is a progression from symbology to letters that seems to exist in the languages that experienced evolution. This explains why some languages died out.
This says that eveolution is a key factor in survial.

I know that mathamatics is in that evolution, and I think it either preceeded the appearance of the letter systems becaus it is baised on a line, or 1 and a circle, 0. Both are letters found in many alphabet systems that are in use today.

The two language groups split, letters and numbers. These two main groups become the foundation of communication.

That's the progression of all of this so far.
I've been looking at energy and matter as part of all of this.
I know there is a direct and provable line there too.
I also know that we each have an interal language system that we use to help us navigate life, and the world.

I want to understand it. I want to understand why it's so hard for us humans to say what we really mean.
I want to understand why it is that if we start out the same, that men and women are very often so opposite in how they understand what is said or written, that it makes communication a major challange for many people.

The need to know for myself. I remember when I got to see jupiter through a telescope. It was grey, and I was told that was because of the earths atmosphere.
There it was, big spot and all. It was bandded, and it was beautiful.
Jupiter. It's the first planet I've ever got to see. I see the moon, but it's not considered a planet.
So, this was a big deal for me.

I think about that alot. And that experience is why I have been doing this. I know other people have written books. But that's their experience, not mine.

It's what they got to understand, and I'm sure it shaped their lives and changed them comeplete.

This is my life, and I've been emersed in art all my life. I know it better than anything else that I've learned.
People tell me that they see things in the art. It talks to them. This has aways made me glad because that means that even if they don't buy anything, the things in the immage that they need they take with them. And that's awesome.

I can't remember when it actually happened, but there was a point at which this experience that people were having every time they looked at my work, told me it was a common experience, and that because it was telling them something, ment that it was using a language system to communicate something.

The birth of the theory I've been researching for a long time now, starts with this statement:

I believe that art is a primal language.

I would like to study individual languages that are singluar in nature, as in each person's language that they develop and is used mostly internally, but also sometimes with close friends or family. The private language.
That intersest me because it can and does very often confuse the information being recieved.

It's my hope in understanding this for myself that I will be better equiped to speak more clear to the actually meaning of what I'm trying to say.

All I can see at this moment is the self help section in a book store. It makes me smile. I wonder if they got started the same way. That makes me giggle at the thought. All the research all the learning, actually being nothing more than a self help book.
That's a good immage, it'll keep it where it needs to be, and me on track. :)

It's been a while since I was here. A few weeks at least. I'm still trying to get myself in an upright position so to speak.

My world still sits in a heap, and I sit there and look at it, and think about what I need to do and can't seem to do it.
It's like everything just stopped.

I feel like a deer with my eyes caught in the headlights of some on comming car. But I know what I have to do.
I just wish I could do it.

Everything has just fallen apart since the thing with the medical bill. It's taken care of. It's done, but what it did to my life...I wish I could take all of what this has been like and sit it on the lap of the doctors and the hospital for awhile. Let them feel stripped of everything that they valued in themselves. Let them....what's the point in that after all.
It just reminds me of how I tried to be responsible for something too huge, the bills after the first surgery I had when I got here, and how I failed.

I've gone over it a thousand times and more. Each time I go over it with a fine tooth comb to see if maybe I could have tried harder, begged them to let me work off my bill. But I didn't. I just got angry at them for not even being willing to do that.

It's old news that just got shoved on some shelve waiting for me to deal with the emotions that I couldn't deal with back then, I had no time to waste on how I was feeling. I had to survive. I had to eat.
That's what it was at first. A test of survival. A grind everyday to get through. But I did. Everyday. Day in and day out, no break. No rest. Just drive as hard as I could to go forward. I had something to prove to myself back then.
I had to prove to myself that my father was wrong about me...more old news...

I have been dealing with old news for the last few weeks. The memories of the last 7 years. I just want to go forward. But this stuff has been waiting for me to deal with for a long time.
So I can go on without all kinds of crap hanging off me like bits of string.

It's a funny thing when everything comes to a screeching halt and you feel so frozen to the spot, you want to go forward but cannot. It's the weirdest and most frustrating feeling in the world, I swear it is.
And I just want it to break. But there is nothing I can do about this process to make it go any faster.

I'm working on keeping my sense of humor alive and kicking. Laughter is good medicine for the soul and mind, and spirit too.
The body gets benefits in there as well.
So I'm looking for humor in all of this. I'll find it and when I do, I think I'll be able to figure out what to do.

What does a duck say when...fill in the blank....even that is a struggle. But I'm still here. Still here...
Maybe it's time to start writing a book.
I talk enough already to fill volumes. I've done so much talking lately that if you could see the words, there wouldn't be alot of room to move around in.

It's a good thing then that when we speak tangable words don't start popping out of our mouths.
That would make a really intersting drawing or college....
literal immages. Hmmm...

I've been in the mist of my emotionally frozen state of existance more jewerly. Some very strange peices. My beading skills are somewhat rusty. But my fingers haven't forgotten how to hold the needle, how to direct thread so that it doesn't tangle and how not to bend a needle when your weaving through beads with it.
It's something that you have to learn. How to hold a needle so it doesn't bend and become curved.
Beading needles are very long and very thin, my favorite size is a size 15 needle. To give you a better idea of how thin it is, I would say it's roughly two or three human hairs thick.
It's strong but they do bend very easily.

I had to learn that I had to relax my fingers and grip on the needle so that I could take advantage of it's flexablity without bending it.

when you pull the thread through, you have to grasp the needle in two fingers and use the other three to pull lengths of thread through at a time. You have to be sure in your movements because for a woven peice of bead work it's not uncommon for me to work with three yards of thread at a time.

It took me a long time to be able to learn how to weave peices that were strong and beautiful. And even though it's been a few years since I made a peice of beaded jewerly, my fingers remember how to move and what to do.

The pendants I've been making are a mixture of wire and beads.
That's the strange stuff I was talking about.
I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. So I figure ok, so I have no clue, that's never stopped me before.

One again I am reminded of how greatful I am for this place, for my bat cave, as I have come to affectionatly call my journal here, my fine and private place in plain sight.
It's good to have a bat cave. Everyone should. In your bat cave you can let go and breathe a sigh of relief that you don't have to song and dance in front of anyone.

I am very sure this all sounds somewhat scattered. But I really don't care if it does. I'm trying to sort this stuff out. Make some sense of everything. And I'm doing it the only way I know how.

And that has to be good enough. Even for me.

I've had some time to think about alot of things lately.
I've been busy trying to pick up peices of my mind and put them back in order.

A lot has happened in the last three years, and there really has been alot of space between thoes things.
After a while you just live and try to function as close to what you see normal is.
That becomes what life is about.

The problem with the old medical bill is resolved. I don't have to worry about creditors calling and harassing me and taking further action via the court system so there won't be added bills to the ones that I got hit with. With love from a group of doctors.

I did alot of reading the last couple of weeks along with the other things I'm trying very hard to stay focused on long enough to be able to see progress. This has been very slow going. My impatients level has been over the top lately.
I feel so completely stuck that it reminds me of a dream where you are trying to run but can't.
you wake up and you are exausted all the next day.

This has been my life for almost a month now.

So after reading all this stuff about the medical system, the drug companies, and insurance companies, I laid aside the horror stories of everything people just like me go through,
I came up with this:

go to hospital. get bills for hospital. bills get sent to collection agency. they sue you for bills. you loose. But you survived the surgery...

I thought about this, and thought about it and came to the conclusion that going to the hospital to have emergency surgery end up putting you through hell afterwords.

If you buy insurance for yourself it will cost you between and thousand dollars and Twenty eight hundred dollars a month.
It depends on which company you go through.
To aford insurance in this country you have to be making at least three grand a month.

Now let's see, what jobs are there out there for the average person that is going to pay even close to that, um....thinking...still thinking...
here are the numbers at a job where you work 40 hours, that's full time. You have to make about seven hundred fifty dollars a week.
writing the numbers some how has more impact for me than just the numbers.
I don't know of any jobs that will bring in 750 a week, and that's after taxes, so your looking at between 850 and 900 a week.
There arn't alot of jobs that will give you that.
That's why many people work two full time jobs and if they are with someone, that's what that person needs to do as well, if they expect to get insurance as well.

There are over 70,000,000 americans who work hard and can't afford insurance.
So if they choose to go the hospital for ememrgency surgery to save their lives, they face a life for a long time of misery.
But they survived the surgery...yea!

My education in this whole arena has been very, very disturbing and and very frustrating and at times frightening...
my advise, get your self educated in your own health. Learn how to take care of you.
Find out if the hospitals in your area have a program that helps people who can't afford the insane bills.
If they do, get as much information as you can.
Read, read and read some more. Because if you don't, you will loose alot of your life to all this crap.

Before the surgery ask the physician to charge you only what is fair. The same thing that insurance companies get charged when they cover a surgery. they may say no, but it's worth a try.
See what you can bring to the hospital with you in the way of tissue, find out what kind of pain relievers they use, and if you can get them yourself over the counter, do it.
Keep a bag with this stuff in it and rotate it out so that it doesn't expire in the bag.
You will save thousands of dollars on the hospital bill by doing this.
A box of kleenex in the store costs about 2 dollars, in the hosptal it's over a hundred. See what I mean.
Think of it as a preparedness kit.

I hope this helps.