harold_maude's journal

A magpie flew by
and decited to nest
so it picked a target
to pester.

the inhabitants of the nest
were comfortable
and at peace
until this nasty beast decited
that it wanted to rule the nest.

give me sling shot
I'll shoot it down
and take it out
and hang it's bones up side a tree

That's what I'd love to do with this jerk that has moved in here.
It's going to be a couple of days in waiting, and then the whole house will gather, and we will discuss the common area.
I told the guy who brought him into this house I want the guy to move out.
He reminds me of this other roommate who caused problems when he moved in.

So we will see what we will see...

A single beam of light. A wave of energy moving without wavering tord a single point.
And then returning.

Without wavering. Complete focus. No detors, no sidetracking.
Just pure focus. This is where I want to be. And what I want my direction to be.
Completely focused.
And that is my goal. In doing what I need to do.

Once upon a time
before the rain
turning green into grey
I could see the spires
of gold and sliver
as they danced in afternoon light.

Once upon a time
before the harvesters
of life and peace
I knew wonder and amazment.

Now, once upon a time
has become dark and cold
the hollows of my heart
have become deep wells
of grief and pain.

There is no morning sun
only twilight now
hidden things
waiting behind
twisted trees.

It pulls and drags
rings dug in my soul
against my will
ripping me
as it shakes me
to and fro.

What gentle friend
would come and sit
with balm for my bleeding soul,
there is none.
For the strong
there is none
when they fall.

Wisdom calls
tells me to hide
among the trees
dark and wide.
Hide yourself
she says to me
hide your self
they are comming
still your voice
make shallow your breath
for in winter
it is what they look for
when they come to feed.

I cloak myself
wishing for winter to bring sleep
hoping spring's life
will find me better.

I realized this morning as I could feel so many things desend that if I could, I really would find a cave so I could rest, truely rest and regenerate.
I'm tired and exausted beyond words.

I'm becomming someone I don't want to be, just to survive.
It's like watching my own death, in a slow steady stream.

I miss the ocean. with all my heart. And there is really no one who I can turn to for anything other than them taking more than they will ever give back.
I'm loosing so much now, and all I can think of is that I want to be at the ocean, but financially it's just not possible right now.

Lay me down to sleep.
Tell me it's going to pass.
Tell my heart the grief will lift
and life will be bright again.

Lay my head on a pillow of time
and let the universe heal.
For the strong
there is no one
when they fall.

It's here. A bit early, but it's here. Winter. We've had our first snow, and with snow comes the want to snuggle under warm quilts, lots of warm drinks and I would love it if this place had a fire place.

We'll end up have a couple of winter fires, that is unless everyone decides that it's way too cold out there to have one.
And with everything that's been going on lately, it may be that we go through the entire winter without one.

Ajusting to mornings without watching the sun come up is going to be difficult.
But a girl must do what a girl must in order to preserve her sanity.
As long as the roommate is here, I made the decision to spend my time in the house in the one place he won't be invading, the basement.
Since this is an old house, there are no windows down here.
Helps with stopping spring flooding through basement windows though.

I tried to explain why I have to stay clear of this person to one of the other roommates last night.
Part of it has to do with the simple fact that he and his wife are in the early stages of divorice.
And for some strange reason, when a man and woman split, men tend to look for a woman to cry and whine on the shoulder of.
They miss the company of their wife, or girlfriend and so they gravitate tord any female.
Which makes life a living hell for the female.

It's like being followed around by an annoying yappy dog.

You want to duck tape it's mouth shut.

Around other guys, this male will be light in conversation, but bring a female in, and men can be worse than women with their need to divulge every emotion they have and some you weren't aware even existed.
They want to talk, and talk, and ask all kinds of why questions(like I have the answer to all their problems)

Now over the years here, there have been many people who find their way to me and start talking.
For reasons I understand, part of my gifting, they come because they need something.
But then they go away.

I get my life back.

With this guy, I can't even engage in light conversation.
No, it goes into deep emotional crap that isn't my business, I don't want to hear about it.
If I was a therapist, I'd charge this guy 75 bucks a conversation.
Seriously.

For some odd reason he thinks that because I've been through divorice, we have alot in common.
He went to each of the roommates looking for someone who was going through a seperation when he got here.
I, being the only person in the house who had been through a divorice, was the chosen target.

I told my roommate that I can't give this guy and inch, because he'll take a mile, or more.
I was on the phone with a friend last night and this guy was just sitting there and I could feel the life draining out of me even though I was trying to ignor that he was there.

I think he hopes that I'll be willing to talk to him, but he can wait till cows fly.
It aint gonna happen.

I've become very selective anymore with who I give anything to, including spening parts of my life with.

I feel bad that things can't be different. But I have no choice.
I'm sure once the studio is completed things will be better for me.
I'll emerse myself in classical music and other music I love and disapear for hours on end.
And I'll emerge full of energy. I can hardly wait.

Reflections of perfect light
running down the sky
kissing my face
ancient tears
that never dry.

The pictures form
peice by peice
and talk to me
telling me the secrets
of the universe.

The children wander
round and round
their eyes covered
their ears bound
wondering why
they hear no sound.

Listening to noise
that blocks out light
makes them nervous
anxious
and quite alone.

The answer is simple
just pull back your hands
count to 10
and open your eyes.

Like many other puzzles
that float and dance
the answer is there
it waits for you
it wants to take you
far, far away
changing you along the way.

So simple
so simple
and you'll be free.
Just follow the stream
and trust it's hand
it's waiting
just outside
of no man's land

you'll find it
and when you do
you'll know
you'll see
and then you'll find thoes wings
sliver glazed
powerful wings.

It's monday morning and the day seems brighter somehow.
It's possibly because someone else here saw what I've been dealing with first hand and like other things that I've faced before where at first I was the only person who saw them and everyone else here said I was completely nuts and being rediculous, this person came face to face with what I've been dealing with, and now, I'm no longer alone in this.

That's a wonderful feeling. Having someone validate what you know is real.
We are setting about a very special task. We are making the common area of the house completely void of any comforts that we have brought to the house and have generously put into the common area for everyone to enjoy.
This person that has been a problem here has also used these things.
Like the t.v.
And the movies.

Today, after work, we are going to remove them from the common area and bring them down here.
They will no longer be avaible to be used at will.

This person who came out here because he needs what the farm has, not us, but the farm, will have to begin to find someway to fill his days other than doing what he has been doing, which is watching t.v.

If he wants t.v., he will have to go out and buy one, either that or invade one of the other people's rooms, who haven't had an extended taste of the crap I have.

It's very peaceful out here. And it will again be free of stress.
I'm going to have a space in this very large basement for my studio, and that's awesome.
Somthing I've needed for a very long time.

And if I'm not mistaken, this person will either go completely nuts from the lack of noise that he says he has to have around him or he will leave, or change.

He was brought out here because there are things that need to change in his life, and he has been filling his life with so much noise that it hasn't been happening.
Now it will.

And for that I am truely happy this morning.