harold_maude's journal

All afternoon I've been sitting here thinking about the past few weeks.
Thinking about how it felt to know that finally the one thing I thought would never happened
had finally shown up.

I've been thinking about how destroyed I feel right now. Ash, left overs. The next day kind of
thing.
And how it makes no sense, not any of it.

Inside my skin it feels uncomfortable right now. And I'm putting back on the steel plate armor
that has kept me from ending up in such wreckage for a long time.
I have to.
I have no choice.
Well, I do have a choice, but the other thing, sitting here grieving over something that is done
is rather pointless.
It won't change anything. It won't make any difference now.
It won't make me believe any less that the apprentice I had been waiting for had finally showed
up and me being me put too much out there of what I know to not completely fry his mind.

It's kind of like this, a kid has a 5 gallon bucket of water, and no matter how careful they are
at least some of it will spill out.
And it's very possible they may loose their grip, and loose it all.

So here I am. In pain. So what. I've been in pain about many things over the years.
I've lost things. I've had things taken away.
People have come taken what they needed and left. Again and again.
It's what my life is.
And no matter how I try to change that, there is no way to do that.

I don't know if there will ever be another person who will show up ready to hear and understand
what I need to say so that this gift can be passed on.
I don't know if I'll have another chance to help someone become more than what they are now.

Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

It would be nice to believe that maybe it will come round again.
That someone will come and they will have such a deep fire that burns for their art and a deep
sense of frustration at not being able to find anyone who knows where they are.

If there is one apprentice maybe there is more.
I don't know.
I do know however, that all of this has made me want to shut all the windows and all the doors
and lock them tight.
And shut out any person who comes.
To push them hard away so there can be no possiblity that I can do any kind of damage
in any way shape or form, simply by telling them things they arn't ready to hear.

I still believe I have come face to face with the one who is suppose to be the next care taker.
But they don't believe it. They are freaked out by the things I said.
And I have to accept that.
And I do.
Them not believing it doesn't change what I saw and what I understood and understand about
who they are and what I have seen is possible for them to do.

I know they are inside now, where this creative force of art will teach them.
Maybe all I really was for them was a gate keeper, and not a mentor.
And if that's so, then the rest doesn't really matter.
They will do as they will and either embrace who they are or not.
That's their choice.
and with that choice, what ever it is, will come many things.
And alot of deep struggle along the way.

I know that too. But it doesn't matter what I know. It only matters that they keep doing
the one thing that drives them.
And now they are in the same place that has given me life for so long.
and shown me things that have blown me away.
And changed me forever.
That's all that really matters.
I guess that's all that ever did matter.

This afternoon I got to see the sunset. There was this cloud formation that made it look like
there was a pink waterfall in the middle of the sky.

It reminded me of the rainforest and the mountians. I miss them.
They are amazing to see and feel. The sound of water hitting the stream bed below is constant
even in winter.
It never stops.
There is one place I would love to be right now. It's called Multnoma Falls.
It's in northern Orgeon and it's located next to the Columbia river.
The other side of the river is Washington state.

Anyway, this place looks like a huge sanctuary. To get to it you have to go through a tunnel
that has train tracks on top.
And if a train is passing over head you get to feel it and hear it at the same time.
It goes through you as it passes over head.

As you come out of the tunnel there is a quiet gentle pool that greets you.
If you look directly east and up you see the falls.
The first time I saw them I was completely blown away by how much they resembled
a giant book with water running down through the center.
A living book.

As you make your way up the path to the bridge that faces the falls you notice that the
air is charged with life.
The birds dance above your head, and every detail of life explodes in your senses.
Their wings are transparent. They sing and it's almost surreal in what it does to you.
I kept having to close my mouth. My friend who brought me to this place just watched
me quietly giggling at what it was doing to me.
She knew what it would do and didn't say alot before we got there.

I was drawn to go up, higher and higher on the path. I couldn't help it.
The pool at the bottom of the falls is deep. A place that if you could dive into
you could easily get lost in.
The falls themselves are about 600 feet high.
Not unusual for that area of the world.
And later I found out that it's a very small stream that feeds these falls.

The walls of stone on either side of the falls support trees that stick straight out and
go up the rock face.
There are birds that make their nest in places that seem impossible.
But they do.

And then there are the people. Comming and going. Talking among themselves,
caught up in the same place you are.
And absoulty happy in that place.

I wish I was there tonight.
Seeing it by star light. Watching the trees as they feel the changing seasons.
I'd love to be there when the first snow falls.
But I'm here. Thinking how lovely it would be to just be in that place again.
Lost in thought, deeply affected by the life that exists there.

It gives to all who come. And when they leave they are more than when they came.
A sanctuary of life.
deep sigh....

Several years ago, I met a woman who came into my life to teach about the heart.
She was this incredible amazing person who changed my life by the things she taught me.
I was starving to understand so many things at that point in time, that when she showed
up I was like this hungry little sponge who wanted to keep this prize to myself.

She, being who she was and where she was at in her own journey, understood where I was
and understood what I would go through because of what her presence did to my world.
Thinking back, I'm greatful that the messanger was a woman, if it hadn't been things
could have ended up in a very tangled mess.

Durring the year that I got to spend under her teaching I experienced the following emotional
states: jealousy, anger, fear, and pride and some other bits and peices of things that made me
face things about myself that I had never delt with before.

Durring that year this is what I learned: that everything in life that we come face to face
with is a test.
It is designed to show us what's really in our heart, and no matter how much we deny it,
or try to avoid it, there it is.
Sometimes it's really good. Sometimes it's nasty and ugly, and makes us feel like monsters.

She watched me as I went through things. And her words to me were always so powerful
as to strike deep into thoes places that needed to be exposed and delt with.
There were times that I was such an emotioal mess, in a state of confusion that it was almost
impossible to make sense of anything let alone function in any way besides feeling like
I was continually going sideways.

I learned to explore my motives. And I learned that very often why I was doing somthing
had more to do with self than anything else.
Thoes things needed to be adressed.
And I realized that what ever I do, my motives must be of the best intent.

She passed on the gift of this knowledge to me so that I could be more than I was.
I didn't understand at the time that this was part of the responsiblity that came with the gift.

There are things in the human heart that hide out. We feel them, and react to them
and have no idea why we do or feel the way we do.
They are there. Passion. Pride. Anger. Lust. Greed. Fear. and a whole host of other
things that hide out.
Good things. Love. Compassion. Mercy. Kindness. Honor. Those are there too.

To know you have an ablity, there is often guilt if you say you have this thing.
And that's because it's hard to keep pride from taking over and making us believe we
are the be all end all.
You see it in actors all the time.
They have this gift. And it goes to their head because people reconize it and make a huge deal
and it feels so good, it gets way out of control, and then you've got this person who
is so arrogant that they become this prima donna that is hard to live with.

The talent is still there, it's part of who they are.
But the issues of pride, and all it's stuff has never been delt with inside their heart.
It ususally takes something devistating to bring them back to solid ground.

I know who I am. I know what I am capable of. Both wonderful and not so good.
I know that if I step into anything destructive that is in my heart, my emotions
that the end result is going to be bad.
It will take life.

I know that I'm capable of jealousy. I know I'm capable of pride. I know I'm capable
of lust. I know I'm capable of anger. And greed as well.
I know that thoes things exist in the human heart. They are the things we war against
through out our entire lives.
Unfortunately, that's part of being human.
I wish I could say that once you conquor thoes things they never return.
But I can't.

I also know I'm capable of wonderful things. Things that bring life. But in knowing that
I have to be on constant gard against pride taking over and taking me places I definately
don't want to go.

I have gifts that have been given to me for this jorney. Gifts that I can't take any credit for
or say with any kind of ownership that opens the way for pride or any of the other things
that I have to keep in check.
And knowing that is a good thing.
It helps to keep my perspective straight.

Because of this I know I'm only a caretaker of the gifts I've been given, and that includes
the gift of art and all that means.
I know it takes me to places and makes things make sense that nothing else does.
It's safe for me to dance in that place because it's a wonderful place.
A place where life is for me.
A place that no human can take away from me or tell me that I have no right to be in.

But I know also it's not mine. I have no ownership of it. It has to be passed on, so that
it can do and continue to do what it is designed to do.
That's part of the requirements of being part of it.
Other requirements of this place include growing in it, learning as much as possible,
and exercising the tools as I'm given them.
This place makes teachers of people. And thoes teachers are simply guides to help
others find their way.
That's all.

Now in this world we all live in, the reality of it is that it is designed to take away
immagination or at least control it to serve the machinery of greed and lust and ultimately
it's design is to enslave people.
To take away their freedom to be who they were ment to be.

Because the world of art, and creativity is so powerful, it's dangerous to that.
So, in an attempt to stop that power, this world we live in has set about working tord
immoblizing the human race.
People don't believe they are creative. People are sucked into mindless places that make
them as dependant as an addict to a deadly drug.
They arn't free. They become lemmings. They become enslaved to a job or jobs that take
their time and their life.
And the long this goes on the less they are capable of believing that they are anything more
than what they are right now.
They can't believe that there is anything inside them that is so magnificant as to be capable
of changing the world around them.

There are thoes however, that have managed to either get free or stay free from this
strong hold of the world.
They live in this place of intense creativity that is so powerful that it flows through them
like fire.
They may not understand completely what it's about, but they know that's the one place
that feels absoulty right.

And very often they feel completely alone in that place. That is the nature of existing in
a world that wants to control you and living at the same time in a place that gives you freedom.

I don't know if I would understand so completely what I do know, if that woman
had not come into my life and taught me the things she did.

It took alot of falling on my face and alot of mistakes along the way to finally get to
where I work hard to live at.
But I'm here now. And that's what is the most important thing of all.

There are times that come to a person's life that present times of decision that will change
the course of their life.
What ever that decision is will determine an outcome.
But the decision is ours alone to make.
And the consequences of that decision is what we end up owning.

I admire people who think about the decison and base their choices on the best senerio possible.
I wish I could be more like that.
I also wish that when certian things come in my life that I had the gift of forsight
so that I could make decisions based on what was the best and most honorable thing to do,
rather on what I believe is best.
That would save me alot of pain.

The view sometimes of a much bigger picture and knowing at least impart, what is
the most important thing sometimes causes me to act without thinking about anything
but wanting to see people walk where they are ment to.
If I had forsight, much of what I say or do wouldn't be said or done at all.
I would remain still, and keep what I see and what I'm shown to myself.

It might seem cruel to watch a person struggle and be in pain because they have trouble
figuring things out, things that are there for them, waiting until they get past what
ever obsticles are keeping them from where they need to be,
but if you knew that by telling them what you see that it would be like exploding
their comfort zone to peices, and really messing with their head,
wouldn't it be far better to let them get their with out anything from you?

That's what I'm looking at now. And right now, I'm wishing I'd had the forsight
to know that what I did would end up doing what it did.

I try to tred lightly, when it comes to people. Most people are going along on a road.
They are completely unaware of who they are inside, and what gifts they hold,
and how much their lives are capable of impacting the rest of the world.

A simple example of that is this, how often do you see a person throwing something
out a car window and don't really think about what it is that they are doing,
or the long term effect it will have.

We just don't live life like that. We like to feel at ease, and comfortable.
We like to believe that we have a place, and we often wish things that remain wishes
and dreams, but never believe anything beyond that.
Let alone take all that we fear and ignor it long enough to do anything with it.

I know there are times that what I do or say makes people back up and think
they've run into someone who is so far out to lunch that they forgot that lunch
exists.
I sometimes scare people when I say things. So I try hard to keep what I say
in a context that at least it can be heard.
Sometimes, time is an issue with me, and so I just lay it out there.
But I'm finding that by doing that, the choice is not so good.

So here I am. With the end result of what I tried to do. And having made poor
choices as to how to do what I believe is required by the gifts that I have been given
I'm left with the responsiblity and consequences of failing.

It's not the first time that I've done something that I believed was the right thing
to do and had it end up going wrong.
I'm learning very quickly that I must be very careful about what I say, and how
I say it so as not to cause damage to anyone in anyway at all.

It's always been my heart in doing what I do, to want what I do to be the best.
That would bring life and not take it.
Someday maybe I'll figure out how that's done, and then I won't have to go through
this again.
I can only hope.

Hello Magic,

This letter is for you.
It's a journal post, but I realized as I wrote it, that it was going to end up being a letter to you.
So here goes:

Since there have been problems as of late with trying to get into e-mail that gets stopped.
It seems to be caught in the threads of some loop that opens a page of something that looks
like it's being hijacked, I haven't been able to get into it at all.
That's why I now write off line instead of here.
Then I copy and paste it here.

There are a couple of problems, one of them is this computer needs new ram. It's been causing
cascading words to just show up, and goes into a cycle of going on and off.
Looks like it's gone nuts as well.

The art is still in existance. I was reminded by 3 people that it's still there. I have the knowledge
and the skill to keep doing.
I spent sometime last night talking to one of my sisters, who is also an empath.
What that is, for thoes who are not familiar with that, is it's a gift, first of all, that helps
people like me be able to know how to help other people.
I've had it for as long as I can remember.

I can feel what other people feel, and sometimes it's so intense it's hard to know what I actually
feel and what is comming from someone else.
The rage and anger that I've been getting hit with are because this new roommate is emersed
in those things.
Under this calm exterior, he has got some major shit going on.
And I can feel it and see it. He has been sucking the life out of me.
I've been in a state of complete exaustion because every time I'm in the common area of the house
he will find me and start talking.
He won't go away.
I've tried to be nice, and respectful of the fact that he is going through alot.
But he hasn't been listening so far.
So, since actions speak louder to someone like that, I've been comming down here until he realizes
that I'm not comming back up stairs.

I walk into this house and he's waiting. He never leaves here. And because of his intense
need to, in his words, have some support and for what ever reason he has from day one
decited that he's going to get it from me.
Possibly due to the fact that I have been through a divorice. His wife just served him papers
this last week.

There has been this growing fear that he is going through things while he's here.
And the idea that he would find what I've written and have more information about me than
he should, came into the mix last night.

The other thing that made me believe that distroying everything was that the night before
last I went to paint and it was like I was a stranger to my work.
That everything that makes me who I am was gone.
I've been in a place similar to this just over a year ago.

It's a very black place. That's the best description without going into lots of detail.

Last night everything hit, all at the same time. A massive collision.
And I reacted.
At the moment it hit the only thing that it seemed I could do was take everything
that I had created and distroy it.
If there was no evidence than how could it ever be used as something to distroy me further
with.
I wanted to keep some people safe.
The thoughts were tangled and running at high speed.
This roommate's emotional state is killing me. I was convinced that I had given all the part
of me that generates the art, the creative fire to someone who I believe is desine to be the
next care taker of it.
I am still of the mind that this person, yes Magic I am still convinced that you are destine
to be the care taker of what has been given to me.

You have the passion and fire for the part of this creative firey wonderful and very amazing
place.
The world of all art. It's not just visual that exists here, but every other type of creative energy
that flows through everything and everyone that exists in this universe.
You have the power, and the fire to make things happen with your art.

I do not say that lightly, or as some way to inflate your ego.
You are the real deal.
A genuine artist. Your venu in this place is writing. If you ever stop, I will hunt you down
and kick your ass.
That's a promise.

That's why I believe what I do. I see the earmarks of someone who with this gift you have
will be able to change minds, and so change the world.
I believe you can change the world one word at a time.

You understand what this place is, and now with it being opened in a way that is blowing
everything away, all the notions that you have to have gone to school to know what you know
all the notions that you have to become Emily so that your writing can become powerful,
like a hard slam against the body.
Words of a prize fighter.

But the truth is you already have that. Inside you and it lights you up like the fourth of July,
Christmas and New Year's day all rolled into one huge fiery passionate place.
This is your venu in art.

Every time you write. And it just flows, you sit there, completely amazed and what has just
come from your hands.
You sit there wondering how and why what you just created is possible.

It's because it's all there, and it has been all your life. You came on to this planet with it
intact, and it only was waiting for a key to come along and unlock it completely.
So you could become what you've dreamed about.
What you want more than even than anything else this world holds.
Your so deeply in love with your art, and you haven't found anyone until now who
knew that same passion for their art.

It's real. And I know as well as I know the feel of my own skin, that this gift I have.
This place in this amazing world of art was ment to be passed on to you.
It will broaden your view.
It will blend into the landscape of how your art moves and shifts.
And what you see.
And what you write about.
You will change the world.

But you have to know it. You can't just believe that.
Knowing it is like knowing that the sun is a star. Every child who goes through school
ends up knowing that the sun is a star.
They may not comprehend it, but they know it.

Believing is something that sometimes can be alot like looking at a car on a show room
floor and wishing that it was yours.

Knowing is in your blood, your skin, your eyes, every part of you.
When you know, you do.
when you only belive, you often don't do.
Why?
Because you may believe in somthing, you may not know it.

This gift that is being passed to you is going to take you into the knowing.
You already believe lots of things about your art.
You know certian things about your art.

But you have to step into that place where you are moving in it like you walk
through the air around you.
It will become your air.

And when the time comes that the gift requires you to take what you have been given
and pass it on, you will be standing where I was 10 years ago being sent out on a quest
to find the one who you would pass it on to.

And when the quest finds it's goal, that place is like everything falls into a place
where you know that the art will take you with it when you leave this life.
And that is powerful.

Your life is a mear journey
through days and nights
and you are the voice
that cries from the soul
"hear me"
"I have something to say"

The eyes of the future are looking back
waiting for what you have to say.
They wait
in desert dreams
along oceans lit by suns
and stars

You are already
in their dreams
walking among the children
of the future
They know you
and love you for who you are
and what you bring to them

You will be with them
in your words
carved from the clay
that hold your feet fast to this place.

You will teach them how to fly
and how to be free
you will teach them how fragile
a thing is the human heart
but inspite of that pain
that it is always better to know what love is
than to keep your heart steeled in safe keeping.

The fire burns in you
a sun that consumes you.
And you know it's there.
Every dream
every moment
is there.

Know it as you know your heart
know it as you know your name
know it as you know how much it fills you
and this will give you wings.

My sister said something last night, that made sense. She said that in giving you the art I've been care taker of,
I was giving it to you for safe keeping.
I hadn't thought about that.

There have been somethings said over the last two months that are now comming to pass.
And more things that are comming to pass from things said far earlier in my life.

That is another reason I know beyond any doubt that you are the one I have been waiting for.
And although I would have prefered to send this to an e-mail, there are problems with my emails
and you need this now.

Hopefully this will help you understand why I went nuts and wanted to take everything out that could be
taken and used by someone who has no right to it, my roommate is who I speaking of.
This was an attempt to keep it safe from his eyes, even if it ment distroying it all.

I would rather distroy it than to end up with the wrong person.
And since I beleived I had given you the part where it all came from and it was now safe with you,
there was no longer any reason for me to keep what had been created.
Including everything I had written.

I hope this makes more senes as to why I went crazy last night.
I hope this helps you understand why I believe what I do, and why your the person I've been waiting for
for a very long time.

Last night I was in a state of panic. It doesn't happpen very often, but when it does it's bad.
I was attempting to distroy all evidence of my existance.

It's hard to completely explain, but I sent null another request not to do what I had first asked him to do which was delet all my posts.
So all I can do now is wait.
I'm sorry for falling apart and going crazy...