harold_maude's journal

A poetic saturday

# 45761

Now it's a rare thing for me to write poetry anywhere but on a particular site on the net that is an interactive poetry site.
I've been signing my first name to the peices I have written lately.

And since I woke up with words and immages flying through my head and the remenants of my dreams flashing here and there, I knew it would be a good time to take that mix and see what happens, poeticly that is.

I'll think up a title later...

You lay there decorated in peices of sheet and blanket.
A still life titled "My Lover's Dream".
The somewhere where you are is filled with majic.
The kind that that wispers secret things
delicious and horrible things that vanish with daylight.

Do you remember me there? Am I the venus of your dreamscape?
Your face motionless, speaks only of a raptured stillness.
Sleep is your lover now.
Hypnotized by it's warm embrace, you lay there
drenched in the sweet mercy of sleep.

I watch, mezermized by bits of the sun
temporarily tatoo'd on your skin.
Ink made of light, pierces you skin and holds you fast.
Sleep's oblivion holds you now,
the death of waking hours.
And someday sleep may not give you back to the daylight.

For a few brief moments, in all of our history
daylight will share you with me, drinking in your footprints
along with mine, following us, taking notes of us,
our words, what we share, what we argue about.
And maybe the only reader of our book will be the universe.

Snap shots and bits of recorded conversations play in my head.
Famous words, fancy titles and romanic declairations
encircle, decend and dance on the immages.
Suddenly, like a cliff diver, they plunge throuh the air
falling into a sea of everything we are and have been.

My eyes, detectives of detail, study your frame.
They memorize you with focused determination
so I won't forget in the days where I feel how cold it is
when your not here, or how empty and big the bed is
when I'm lost and alone in it's frame work.

But for today, this hour, this moment
the rythem of your breathing tells me
that at some moment, sleep will finally let you go.
Releasing you to daylight,
the shroud of sleep's silken magic will fall away,
vanishing into nothingness.

And for this day,as daylight holds you
so will I,
feeling sleep's kiss still fresh on your skin.
I'll drink you in while dayligt exists
as long as we exist, in each other's presence.
As long as my waking hours find you are here with me.


Well, I think it's done, at least as done as it feels.
I love having two days off durring the week and I will miss that when I leave this job.
For the most part, they are mine. I can do anything I want
on thoes two days.
I end up spending at least some of the time on house work, but I can do art too, and play music and watch a movie or two if
I want. I can make cookies if I have all the ingredients.
And if I don't, I can go to the store and buy them, money
available, provided.
I can do all these things or nothing at all. I can go for walks
when the weather is nice. And for a couple of days I don't have
to punch a time clock or make a sandwhich for anyone,
or handle hot food, or someone else's money,
or be nice to people when they are in a bad mood and
I'm getting sucker punched by fly by emotions,
because I'm there doing my job and they are having a shitty day.

On my two days off I don't have to slice meat or cheese, or fill and flip a make table or clean a steam table that looks
like an abstract painting, only this abstract painting can
burn and scar skin. But the thing I love the most about what this job has been, has been the freedom to work as hard as I can simply because I can,
and push myself as far as I can just to see just how fast and efficant I can be.

I keep comming to this place,when one job ends and before another one starts, that it's
an opportunity to leap off the cliff and just go for selling
my art, having another show. But the details of when
and where are still something I haven't figured out.

I just looked at the time, and it's closing in on 8:30, and I have a full schedual today. It's the first of my two days off
and like most first days off there is a huge list of stuff that
I have to do and need to catch up on so I can sleep in tomorrow.

It's a funny thing, even with all thoes things I can do,
I never seem to be able to do them for two full days
and when I think about it, the last day I actually spent
doing art all day was Easter.
So even though I have two days off from my money producing job,
I'm doing another full time job here at home.

I really do need a vacation.

This post was edited by harold_maude on May 25, 2008.

Put tab a into where?

# 45760

It's friday night, and for a few brief hours I am floating here in this space.

I turned off all the noise as much as possible because I was thinking again about some really peculuar things about my life today.
Everything that works happens backwards. I learn best that way too, after all is said and done, then the learning why it happened always unfolds so easily, clearly and it makes sense.
For the last few years every time something wonderful happens, on the heals of it comes something hard and fast to try to knock me to the ground....I think there is a journal post somewhere about that thing.
It happened again this week. I got this really great care package for mother's day from my daughter and when I got home, there was this guy waiting to hand me a somons for something that happened about 7 years ago, somthing that was done and over with.
But apparently not.

For several years now I've tried to help different people and they end up screwing me over.
It's all backwards.
It's crazy to screw someone over who helps you when you need it right? Or is that how the world really works?

Is it normal to get a gift and then get clobbered in the same day? Is that how the world works?
As far as I know everyone who has ever been kind to me in anyway I do the same back. When someone gives me a container of food, I return the container with food I've made.
I've given things away with out expectation, I've listened and cared for so many people along the road, doing it because it was a good and right thing to do, no expectations of some reward somewhere for being honorable.

So my question is this, did I fuck up by even being born?
I don't know why this keeps happening to me, getting slammed, knocked around by life, and generally used by people.

I've gotten to the place where I want to just go off somewhere and vanish for a while. But there are too many things that require my presence to do that, so I just end up wishing I could.

I was thinking about all of this again today and still am so puzzled as to why things in my world exist as they do.
It's not in my nature to take revenge against someone who has hurt me. The thought of getting nailed while seeing some kind of responsiblity on their part, nailed by karma keeps me from doing anything.

I really need some insite here. So this weekend I am going to do some deep meditation and look for answers. I just simply want to understand it.
That's all. Understanding it might not stop it from happening, but at least the frustration from it happening without knowing why would be eased.

I plan on painting this weekend as well. It's been a while since I painted. And I think that would be a good thing to do, something healthy and restful.

I'm hoping by the end of the weekend I'll have at least some insite as to what all of this is about. I can hope for that anyway, but as with all of life, there are no gaurentees.

Changes, more changes

# 45759

In roughly two weeks this job I have now will be done.
I put in my notice on monday because the manager is leaving.
She put in her three weeks notice last friday.
I can't and won't become the only person in that place who knows what to do without being told.
And I certianly do not want to become a glorified baby sitter.

She is the best manager I have ever worked for. I made the decision months ago that I would stay working for this company as long as she was there.
She has worked for this company for 7 years. She is the only certified manager that exists for this comany in this town.
The store I work in has been the top store in this town for as long as she has been in the position of manager.
She has her stuff togther.
She works hard and sets the standard for everyone who works in the same store as I do.

When I got hired on I asked for a certian wage, the owners didn't quite give me what I asked, but came close enough that I took the job.
My cat sort of sealed the deal. She went through all the applications I had picked up, found the one to this company and pushed it aside and peed on the rest..I'm not kidding about what the cat did.
Smart kitty!

Anyway, when my manger told me she had put her notice in, I followed suit. Without her at the helm, the store will loose it's status as being the best, and although I know I could keep it there, I work circles around everyone else that works for her, including the assistant manager.
I have no desire to be the only person doing that.
And I know that's what would happen. I've worked with everyone else and when she is not there, to make sure they are doing their job, they don't do their job.
I work morning crew. And every morning, without fail, she and I are faced with doing alot of the night crew's work simply because they arn't doing it.

In food service the only people who have set work hours are management. I am the exception to the rule. I work the same schedual every week. I have a set number of hours per week.
And why do I have what no one else has, because I earned it and this manager gave me the opportunity to do it.
I also work all days and no weekends. That's something that is rare in food service, especially for a crew memeber, as the crew members are shifted around as the weekly schedual are made.

The woman who is the assistant manager is consistantly late, one excuse or another always exists.
She fails consistantly on doing the job she has. She runs night and weekend crews.
The other two women who are interested in the managers job are equally not up to what the currant manager does.
Both of these women are supervisors.
In the beginning when they stepped up to the plate, for a very short time did what they were asked to.

But both of them ended up falling into the routne of not doing their jobs.
One of them likes to take lots of smoke breaks and sit on her ass in the office area and talk on the phone durring her shift.
She has been talked to repeatedly. But nothing has changed, and the only time I have seen her actually work is when she works day crew. She needs a baby sitte in other words.

The other woman has too many personal life problems that keep invading work for her to step up to management.
The peice of crap she is living with will see to that.
But that's her problem.

Since I started working there, and proved that I have the goods so to speak, we have seen so many people come through the store.
And without exception they end up flaking out and end up showing their true colors, lazy and irresponsible in their jobs.

My place will be up for filling as well. I have no doubt that it will no longer be something that is consistant in hours and certianly not free of weekends.
It will become like the rest of the crew jobs, changing from week to week.

So the owners are loosing two of their best. They already know that her shoes are going to be hard to fill.
In this town finding good help for food service jobs is next to impossible.
I have seen that I am part of a group of people who are of a rare group, the people who do the job with an attitude of doing it the very best they can.

As in the past I have no doubt that word of what goes on with this place will reach my ears.
I have complete confidence that the store I work at will end up falling down from it's place as the best of the three stores, and the owners who are great at promising lots of things and never following through on their promises, will have to come down here more and more to fix problems over and over because the two people who make sure the store is run right will be gone.

There is justice in that due to what they did to the general manager they screwed over.
The general manger of the three stores that entered into the picture when these owners bought all three stores. They made him promises that they never kept.
He got tired of trying to do the impossible and having no support from them.
Not only was he expected to be at all three stores everyday, but he was also expected to run one of the stores, go out and advertise all over town.
He was expected to do the job of three people.
And of course he failed. There was no way to suceed, and my manger told them that.
But the owners didn't listen to her.

The new guy they brought in started screwing things up from the get go.
They thought because this guy was corporate and knew what corporate wanted, that he would be able to do the job.
This guy is a great motivational speaker. But as a general manger, he sucks big time.
In food service, especially at the level that we exist at no one makes over 8 bucks an hour, unless they have been there for years. And I do mean years. Getting raises is like trying to swim up stream.
But the new general manager set out hiering people above that mark.
And the woman who likes to sit on her ass on her shifts he decited to give her nine bucks an hour. The owners rather exploded when they heard what he is doing when he hires people and when they heard about her new wage, they went through the roof.
I don't know if they have told her yet, but her wage will end up being cut back, and that alone will send her out the door.
They won't pay that wage. They have made that clear.

So with the new general manger who keeps spending lots of money and has no qualifications for the job requirements over seeing all three stores down here, when the manager and I leave, it's going to fall apart fast.

Oh well. Won't be my problem or my managers anymore.


# 45758

It's Thursday morning. It's gone grey outside again. And for today that's not a bad thing. I saw the lilacs in bloom yesterday so unless the temp does a major drop I think it's safe to say that spring is here.
Another day of thousands that have passed before it.
Funny thing is about the days that are passing by, is how fast they are moving.
May is almost done.

It almost feels like the days are becomming strings instead of thick blocks of hours. Not so long ago, the days seemed to move at a slower pace. Time seems to be turning up the speed of the passing days.
This feeling about how fast the days are going is not something that only I am awhare of, everyone I have talked to says the same thing, that the months are flying by.

I think the phrase "time on my hands" would be better said durring this fast moving portion of history "time running through my fingers".

Time is no respector of anything, it just does what it does, and does it well.
Efficantly, and very throughly.
It's almost like watching foot prints in the sand being swallowed up by the ocean.
The sand remains, but the foot prints disapear from view.
Yesterday is history, and in a few days time only highlights of it will be prominate in my mind. After that most of it will be stored somewhere in my memory and other days and their significant events will take up the slack of my thoughts.

My dreams have been very distrubing lately and even though I can't remember them, the details, I feel the lingering effect for a while after I wake up.
I'm not sure if they are so disturbed because durring the waking part of the day I am having a great deal of difficulty in figuring out how or what to do.
Many things sit waiting for me to address them and do them, but I'm having trouble answering the demands.
To be sure at least some of the problem lays with this metamorphsis that I am undergoing.
And some of it lays with the frustration I feel continually with the way things are.

Last night after meditation, I thought about what I had seen there durring my time there, and a question formed up and sat there getting louder and louder, "why do I do the things I do?"
The last question that came up and unfolded was "what do I want?"
Questions. And me sitting there not really knowing how to answer them.
I really don't know the answers yet. I've been too busy trying to survive everything that just seems to keep steam rolling forward.
But the questions persist.
With time doing this thing of getting thin and turning days into strings, it's really hard to find answers.
I would love to stop time for awhile and have time cooporate and let me catch my breath long enough to really answer the questions.
But time is no respector of me.
Someone said it's happening because of the quickening, a phrase coined by terrance mckenna I think.
More later, work is calling my name and at least for now I have to answer.

Be at peace and be well.

Learning curves

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# 45756

It's tuesday morning. I woke up from a very disturbing dream, only thing is now I can't remember what the dream was about.
The only thing that is lingering is the knowledge that it was distrubing.

There have been many mornings that it has taken me a while to realize fully that I am in a different reality than the one that exists in my dream scapes.

Most of the time, if I don't talk to anyone about my dreams all I can remember is how the dream felt. That seems to linger, and cling, like something stuck to the skin that's not quite visable.

On to other things. This morning in just a few minuets that I have before I have to get ready for work, I wanted to make note of somthing that has become crystal clear in the last few days.
And that is how I learn. And what works in my life and what doesn't.

I'm not a tradionalist. I'm so far from being a tradionalist,
that what is normal for most everyone I meet is not and does not work for me.
Everytime I try to do something the tradional way, it fails miserably.
When I try the same thing from a completely out of the box fashion, it not only works, but works exceedingly well.
Having this knowledge is making me realize that in order to do what I love, which is art, the approach has to be from a non tradional place.
What this works out to in the practile, I'm not sure.
I know this makes my way through things different.
It means that I have to create the answers and go with thoes, because they come from that place where the boxless road comes from as well.

That's it for now.

It''s all realitve, hynosis and some side notes

# 45755

It's monday, may 19, 2008. Just for the history books. You know, the ones that are alive as long as we can remember?

An up date on my theeth. Good news. I have found a way to do completely away with all the pain that I was going through in my mouth.
I watched a youtube video on a dental surgery done on a woman under hypnosis.
I have known about dental surgery and hynosis for a few years.
But it never occured to me that it might be used to stop pain.
At least long enough to sort through a very long list of dentists until I find one that I want to trust my teeth to.
I have no desire to do something like going to the dentist if
I'm going to end up having some man or woman who really doesn't have the artistic skills that comes with a good dentist.

Yes, they've been through school, but it's really not them.
Not someone I want to work on my theeth.
Anyway, after I saw the you tube video, I did some more looking and found some instructional ones on self hypnosis.
It's very much like meditation.
So I thought why not? I am willing to at least try.
And guess what?
It's been just over two weeks and it's still working.

I am amazed. And it's given me hope that if that is possible,
then what else is possible.
Over the last few years I have been pondering possibilites.
And doing alot of wondering.
I've been listening and looking to see if anyone else is out there looking too, for the same answers as me.

I can't see how I could be the only person thinking about this stuff. Statisticly it would be so near impossible that for all intent and purpose, it would be impossible.
So I started reading, and focusing on this stuff. Trying to find answers.

I keep running into things now, that are addressing the questions I have.
My landscape is full of this stuff.
I don't know where everyone else is at with any of this, but my view has just grown again.

I was thinking the other day about the things I have to be greatful for.
It had been a bad few weeks here. What with fighting and the crazy weather, and the cost of gas going up yet again, and my favorite oatmeal just went up in price, and on top of that, people have been kind of crabby all around for a while, winter and all considered in that.
I decited that rather than looking at how hard it's been, why not look at what's been good about the same time.
I came up with a list.
I ate today. More than once.
I have a bed to sleep in.
I have a roof over my head.
I have shoes on my feet.
I had ice cream today.

This was part of a list that has become what I want to spend my time thinking about.
In this nation, there is so much waste, so much waste...that's all I can call it.
Waste on every level of life. Waste of time. Waste of resources.
Waste of mind. Body and soul, as well!
In the standards of wealth and the ladder of wealth, I'm down near the bottom of the laddar.
To someone in a poor country, I live in a mansion.
I have more in my house than most of them will ever see.

I've been thinking alot about that lately. It keeps comming up, here and there now and again. It has over the years.
And now I'm thinking that way again.

It's far too easy to look at what you don't have and be miserable at what it is that you only want. That kind of want can drive you nuts, put you in debt so deep, that day light disapeared a long time ago.
It's far too easy to allow bordom to set in and then that sends
a person off shopping for the newest...what ever.

I don't want to live that way. Not in my heart, not in my level of personal contentment, not in my soul.
So after learning all this latest stuff and am still doing research on it, I have found that what I want to think about is the stuff I already have.
I made some decisions as of late as well.
The fighting that breaks out here, is done.

I will not fight again. It's pointless. If there was some value to fighting the way it goes here, then I could see continuing. But, it doesn't do anything but leave wounds.
So I'm done fighting.
It's already been tested, twice. And guess what? I didn't go there. I'm pleased.

Well, here we are to the sidenotes.
I have taken the liberty of giving metapause a new name. This is mine, and so I figure it's ok to give it a name. It's going to be hanging around for a while, so why not?
I have named it Metamorphis.
I like the name because it means change from one thing to another.
And that is exactly what this feels like. All the time.
And the researcher in me wants to take notes about everything.
To document the journey.
Live, raw and up to day details.
Sounds like fun, huh....
It helps. At least it gives me a place to put the overload.
Sometimes I think there are so many words and pictures going on in my head that they end up floating out of my ears.
If I thought about it long enough, I suppose I could feel it when the words popped out of my ears...

Well, that's it for tonight.

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