harold_maude's journal

I'm putting the finishing touches on a particular peice of work.
I've come to the conclusion that what I was given is a map as to an explaintion of what time is.
If no one can give a definate explaintion and anything is possible, it's very possible that what I've been given is an explaintion of time.

One of the things I came up against was the idea of probablity and possiblity.
One is finite, the other is open ended.
To understand the idea of time you with probablity as part of the equation makes it not possible to solve, at least in part.
In order to see it at all you have to use possible as part of the equation.
It makes it work.

At least that's what came through with what I was given.

There is the flower of life in the center and then the golen mean sprial and the traces of the febinachi sprial, and notations as to vortexes and convergant realities..neither of which I really understand. But the insturctions were clear.
Step by step.
And the understanding of the nessity and value of art in the matrix of communication.

Through this process I understand why the goverment would push art and music out the door.
If you take away the two venus that encourage thought on an abstract level which is where problems are solved by the way, you have effectivly taken away all history and all clues as to who we are.
In a few generations what you have is a very aimless people.
Very easy to control and manipulate.

Fortunately so far there are still emerging children who do art and are not stopped in what their doing.
There is still art taught, but now it's an elective rather than part of the foundation of learning.

Soon, if things keep going they way they are, there will only be room in the social, economic structure designed by the goverment the only art that will be allowed will be with in certian perameters.
You can see alot of it in the galleries. It's hard to get into a gallery with out it fitting certian requirments.
And many galleries charge showing fees, aka wall space for your work.

I saw a thing on the news about some huge gallery in new york and the work that was shown in part of it made no sense and was nothing more than just an aimless expression of the moment.
Alot of what they showed had no life to it. It was as if the artist was standing at a distance giving directions to someone else who's only participation in the work was putting it down on canvas or paper.

Alot of artists who are actually saying something have to find an alternative route.
It's funny, when you put it in direct access to the public and make it reasonable as far as the price, what you find is that they want it.
It speaks and they are wanting something that speaks.
I know that there is a huge segment of the population that buys the crap that looks like it was slapped together, for some reason when a person shells out big bucks for a work they get the idea that it's like the crown jewels or somthing.
It seems that all the propagana surrounding what art is, is defined by a few individuals who have this need to have an eletist group.

Every time I read an artist's magazine I see the same things over and over.
It's the standard of what's acceptable. Very little space is given to the majority of what's actually out there.
You have to basicly kiss alot of ass to be even given a chance.
And it's all subjective to the gallery owners.
It's pretty messed up.

In the art schools what I've seen come out is this: people who are great immitators of the teachers, because the teachers don't understand they arn't suppose to be reproducing themselves, but rather guiding the students into who the student is as an artist.
And they've been so conditioned by the time they graduate to do and see art only in a very boxed up limited way, that they can't even begin to relate to their immatination.
They are terrified of their immagination.
I've run into these people who have been to tradional art schools and if you put something in front of them to do, they want to know what you want, and then if told what do you want to do, they sit there and think of what they should draw.

They can't seem to grasp the notion that art is not ment to be in a box.
It's been beaten, if you will excuse the expression, out of them until they are good immitators.

I think I've gotten a bit side tracked.
Anyway, the map is almost complete now.
Then we'll see what's next in the journey.

For a while now the concept of time has been stuck and spinning in my thoughts.
What is time exactly?
I was told it was a measurment.
I thought about that, and tried to see it as that.

It didn't seem to be enough of an answer to explain what time is.
Then after exploring the effects of time, and thoughts on movement and matter how it's possible to see the effect of time rather than time it's self.
A very unique picture formed in my mind.
Immagine, if you will an endless field of motion. You can tell that motion exists in this place because as the field moves you can see the reflection on the layers of surface that exist in this field.
Now with that in mind immagin that this field has a horizon line, and the only reason you can see the horizon is to give you some sense of the depth of the layers which are transparent to the eye.
Then as you watch this field of motion you slowly see a tree emerge.
From unreconizable to crystal clear.
As you watch this tree you see it go from sapling to full size and then through the process of death and decay.
It's all a very smooth process.
Then as the tree fades into the field of motion you see a planet appear in the same way the tree did, and go through the same kind of process as the tree did.

Now immagine that both the tree and the planet begin to come into view again, at the same rate of speed.
You can see both processes taking place. They appear to be going at the same speed through their respective life spans.
And nither is moving faster than the other.
What have you just witnessed?

The motion of time upon matter. This is what I came away with from that.
That time is in motion, always.
Time affects matter as it comes in contact with with matter.
Time is fluid, and effects both matter and energy.
Time is a key to understanding the matrix of the universe.

I also had this equation sitting in my head.
I could see this in my mind, in other words.

Time x geometry = matrix
matrix x possiblities = endlessness.

I have no way of proving or disproving this equation.
And since I really suck at math, if this does turn out to be the right answer I will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm seeing and understanding things that I shouldn't be able to see or understand because when I had scarlet fever at the age of 5 the logic and mathimatical part of my brain got damaged.
The right side of my brain, the creative side I figure compensated and began to imitate the parts that were damaged and lost.
I through the right side of my brain interpeted the information that I could remember as best as it could.

So, if this is right, and I'm seeing exactly what it is, then it's one more conformation that I'm understanding what I shouldn't be able to.

The way the road goes
Introdution notes:

I have something to say. I feel deep inside that it's something important. I don't
presume to believe that I'm the only person that has said the same things or felt the
same things about this, but I believe that sometimes your handed something,
sometimes in bits and peices and after awhile it forms a picture, and you know that
the responsiblity is there to say something.
So I'm saying it.

I went to an art show yesterday. It was native american art. The days for the show
were two this year.
In previous years it's been four.
And they were open to the public. We who are not part of the native american culture
got to see their world for a few days.

We got to hear what they had to say through their art, aside from any goverment propagana.
We got to touch their culture for a little while.

Along with the cutting of the days, the time when the show is up got cut too.
A total the first day that is open to the public was 8 hours. The second day was 6 hours.
That's it.

I was told that in the past it started at 10 in the morning and would go until 10 or 11 at night.
That wasn't enough to be able to say this is who we are, but it was something.
There was a brief window of time.

Now it's this even briefer amount of time which from what I saw was a market that resembled
what you get when you go to a county fair.
It's all about the money now. Right?
This bone thrown to a people who are fighting to keep who they are alive, and not some mention
as part of a history class that covers so much information in such a short amount of time,
that when you take the class and then leave it, it's forgotten relativly quickly.

It's about the money...and that sucks. It's a disgrace, the great american tragedy.
And the people running the show called America the beautiful don't really give a fuck about
anything but the money.
Thoes people, incase your wondering, are thoes folks that control the majority of the money
in this country, and because of that they have the power to say what will and won't go.
Some of those few are in very high goverment places.
They help designs the laws that the rest of the american people have to sucumb to.
We have still have the choice to say no, but even that is being stripped more and more.

We are the cattle of the few. And they really don't give a flying fuck if you or me gets sick,
looses any shelter, or if we loose our children to some side effect of their choices.
It just doesn't matter.
It's all about money. Money equals power. Power equals control.

If that's too obsene a concept. Look at it this way. You come to an ant hill. The ants
start crawling on you. From your perspective they are annoyances and distructive and so
being annoyed at ants crawling on you set about distroying the ant hill.
And you may even enjoy watching the distruction.
One less pest in your world.
You know that you can't distroy all the ants, or even all the ant hills, but this one, is going
to be gone.
You are more powerful then those ants, even collectivly. You have the technology and so
you being in control, distroy the ants.

Now it never concerns you how many baby ants are in that nest, or if they do any good
in this world or not.
All that matters is they were crawling on you and that's an offense that deserves death.
Period.

The few that hold the majority of the money and power see you and me in that same way.
And the ultimate goal, from all I can see, is that the rest of humanity is seen as having no
more value than what we can produce, how fast we can work, so that they will remain
where they are.
That's it.
nothing more.

Because they understand we have the ablity to think and have compassion, can love or hate,
or rebel, it is in their best interest to appear to be generous.
They give relativly small amounts of money to different causes and charities, so that they will
be seen as great benefactors, and for the people and all the rest of the propaganda that
keeps the entertainment hungry population where they are.

And the reason we are so entertainment hungry is because the jobs we have, the collective
actions of the world are so disgustingly vicious, and violent in so many ways, that all
we want to do is escape. Even for a few hours.
A repreve from the madness we earn our keep in the middle of.
So, what started as a need to escape became an addiction, one that is harder to break away from
than any illgeal or legal drug that exists in the market place.
And why would you want to be free of it anyway?
It helps you cope with that job that is literally killing you. That used to be only an illustration.
Now it's more and more the reality.

We are loosing, peice by peice, inch by inch, dollar by dollar, thought by thought our lives.
It's more and more that way, every day.
It scares me.
We are selling ourselves into slavery to something that is making it so easy to take slavery
rather than freedom.

Closing in from the other side is the goverment that is taking more and more freedoms
away.
Doing shameful things, like taking peoples homes away and givng the land to private compaines
who are huge corporations run by a few people, so they can become more powerful.
Very quiet and very private powerful corporations.

And the masses lose again.

The templates for this process I believe were set up in how the goverment delt with
the nations that lived in this country before they got here.
The native nations of this country.
It took while at first to get the machnery in place, but once it was in full gear, the nations
of this country, were all but completely distroyed.

In order to understand what's going on today, you need to understand what happened with
the american indian.

For many it is just that. And we see it as wrong. We know that what the goverment did to them
was wrong, immoral, indecient, and a disgrace.
To the goverment they weren't human. They were ants on their shoes.

Well, boys and girls, the currant population of the untited states of america are the currant
native nations, and the goverment is helping some of these same peoples who are part
of the american nations of today, do the exact same thing.

And why would the few be so willing to help the goverment who has a history of murder,
distruction, and other hideous acts against humanity?
Because when a power is trying to take control, it is far better on a selfish level to practice
self preservation than to practice justice and honor.
You die for those things.
So rather than die, you exchange your own people for a life that is full of comforts, and food,
and houses, and boats, and any other amenity that you can immagine.

....knowing this breaks my heart, pisses me off, and makes me wonder how long it will be
before the chip they have been trying to put into people to keep track of them will become
law rather than choice as it is now.

America, the home of the free....the land of the brave....good words.
Honorable words.

words that remain. But are ignored, and disgarded as easily as one disgards the plastic
lining between a lid and the glass on a mayonaise jar.

We, in a relativly little while will be fighting not to be forgotten, reduced to some few pages
in some history book that means nothing, because it never has a chance to be explored by the
children in school.

Look at the american indian nations, and see yourselves, because that is exactly where
we are going.
Do you like what you see?

This morning, like other mornings similar to this one, I got handed some of the usual mindbender thoughts.
I think there is something about the drive back here that signals the release of these types of thoughts, and they are designed to hit me with the force of a cruse missle.

This mornings' bag of thoughts contained questions.
Here are some of the questions:

If it's impossible to convince anyone of anything then why say anything at all?

And here's another, If a tree falls in the forest how long will it be before it becomes sawdust or dirt?

And yet another, if every step a person takes has many possible choices as to the direction they end up going does it really matter what choice you make?

Then there are these: If you crossed a duck with a chicken would it be more annoying than a chicken can be by itself?

If you stood on a corner of a busy intersection for an hour would anyone know that your there?
Or would you be invisible to people passing by?

If you could understand what animals are talking about when they make the noises they do what would they tell you about the people they see?

What is the most beautiful mold you've ever seen?

If time had the nature of an onion would people throw it out when it went bad or would they eat it before then?

How can you tell if your mutating into something or someone your not sure you really want to become?

If you crossed a mouse with an elephant would it ever come out of hiding?

And if it did and you put it in a room with mirrors would it loose it's mind?

What if you crossed a giraff with a snake would there be a major problem with getting close to one?

Yes...these are some of today's thoughts that hit me on the way home...there are stranger ones than these, and quite a few depressing ones, but I'll leave those in my head.

Today, I know that I'm here. Today I know that there is alot that I don't know. Today I'm trying to figure out what the point is, and today I had some donut holes for breakfast.
The frig is in freezer mode. I've brought the temp to the warmest place I could, did that about 5 days ago, and still everything is frozen.

I wish I knew how to fix it. But I don't. So I have to call the landlord and ask him to send someone to look at it.
Having everything in your frig go frozen is a pain to deal with.
Especially when it comes to milk and butter.

...geeze sometimes I wish I could just wander off somewhere and then when I get far enough away I could see the whole picture...

grinning..the kittens are learning how to be demolition experts.
They haven't broken any glass in knocking things over.
But it's good to see they are well into the process of learning their paws are good for more than just walking on.

Learning how your hands or paws work is a very empowering event...go kitties!!!

Just a few days ago it seems they were barely learning how to walk without falling over.

And just a few days ago it seems that so much was opening up, and now it's just gotten really murky.
I really do wish I could understand why the universe seem intent on throwing me from one place to another...you'd think I was a rubber ball or something.
And who knows, maybe in the big picture that's all I really am.
Either that or a taco...one that never goes beyond the warming lights.

I wish there was a way for someone to get inside my skin and look at what I'm looking at, maybe they could tell me what this ultimately is about, this being knocked back and forth.

Until that happens, I'm going to just advance on the day and see what happens.

My brain is on fire. The ideas, thoughts and other notions are rushing in so fast that I'm writing like crazy.
9 and 10 pages of just notes.
Again and again.

Then there is the art. I counted and there are 53 in process as I write this.
And more on the way.
I'm making notes on the ones that arn't started and making notes on the ones that are that are giving birth to new work.

Several of the threads are being pulled together and leading me back into the realm of sacred geometry.
There are considerations and questions about the three dimensions we live in and the spaceal relationship time has to thoes three dimesions and what would happen if this plane was designed to only hold three dimensions and the introduction of a fourth dimension would throw things out of balance.
Time would do weird things to the three dimensions.
Simply because this plane was not designed to hold anymore than three dimensions.

Which brings up all the phenomon that exists that defies the rules governing the three dimensions and this plane of existance.
Seeing ghosts, hearing them, seeing ufo's. The phenomon of near death experiences.
Black holes in space. I'm beginning to think maybe black holes are the first events that are signaling the collapse of this plane of existance.

I watched cube 2 last night. Kick ass movie. A head bender.
There is a part where this razor cube apears. But it starts out as a square and then begins to grow. Taking on the progression that exists in sacred geometry.
When it got to a certian size it started moving around the room and ran into walls.
One guy got hit by it and it's path of measuring the space it had to grow in and he got chewed up.
Anyway, it kept growing until it reached the the capacity of the room and then the process reversed until the cube disapeared.

The concept was huge and very explainitory as to the possiblities of planes of existance and the space given them to reach their full potential and when it happens, the process reverses until it disapears.
My guess at this point is that when each plane of existance has reached it's full potental growth limit and it reverses and disapears where it goes is back into the void that exists between each plane.

Now being that there are 7 platonic solids ( I think it's 7, it maybe six, I'll have to check) that make up all matter that we know that exists, maybe we are just moving through each one. And each one relating to each platonic solid has rules that govern the life that exists on that plane.
In this plane, three being the dimensions we know and exist in, the same laws state that all life has 4 base pairs to exist.
In the plane that holds the cube as it's bases, maybe all life will consist of more base pairs.
I'm thinking it would, due to the fact that in a 4 dimension existance our bodies would have different requirements to exist there.
Time would be different as well, due to the nature of dealing and interacting with four dimensions instead of three.

Think of the possiblities of a 4 dimensional universeal plane.
What would the stars look like, what would humans look like?
What would people eat, or would they eat at all, maybe they would just stand there and absorb nutreients through gills or somthing.

Maybe our eyes would resemble that of inscets, being mulit factited seeing many surfaces at once.
But because that was the design it would seem completely normal.
People with our eyes might be seen as a freak of nature...

Then this thought occured to me, maybe this whole thing, all existance in every frame of reference that could ever be considered is just one big journey back to where it started.
The center of all things.
Maybe the whole point is for us to experience the universe one dimension at a time.
Maybe somepeople get bits of the next plane of existance now and they think amazing things, and are here as instructors for the rest of us...people like steven hawlkings, carl sagan, albert enstine, lenardo da vinci, and many many others.

People hear and see what they put out there and ponder and think and do based on what these people have said and shown the rest of us.

Maybe in the end that's what it's all about...
maybe.

It's almost 2:30 in the morning and I just finished working on several peices of art that are in various stages.

I spent 4 1/2 hours working. It didn't seem that long, until my thumb locked up.
I used to spend 16 hours a day going from painting to painting, stopping only briefly, mainly to use the bathroom or fix a cup of tea or eat somthing.

It's frustrating because I would have just kept painting through tomorrow until sleep demanded my attention.
I'm wide awake, but my hands have demanded a rest.

Part of what I did tonight was increase the color and begin some new experimentation with splattering the watercolor in various thickness's to see what would happen as it dried.
I found that white is great for softening the feel of the background.
I'm thinking this one that I did a heavy spray of white will end up being about faires.

Since I started by putting water and some light washes of color down and then it occured to me that spraying color on might be a way to increase...somthing...

I got to a point where I wanted to try doing the same thing that's familiar and it started out fine, but it just didn't feel right.
So, I added more water to blend the color out and it just started going the same way that all the other watercolors start out.
Then as I was looking at the painting, I started thinking make your own way.
Create your own mythology. Crabmen, half-crab half-man.
Only crabmen sounded really stupid.
So I'm playing with a name for it.

Something just occured to me, when I decited to do art, the problem I was having earlier just seemed to subside and then go away.
I didn't notice it until just now.
Hmmm...I wonder.
Another sign post that I'm suppose to do the one thing I know I'm supposed to do?
Everything keeps ending up here. Everything stops here.
But I'm horrible at marketing. I hate the idea that I have to go and smooze with gallery owners and business owners, just to get it out there.
I know I'm suppose to be doing art.
But money...shit..same old crap, over and over.

Ok, enough with the side track. Back to what I got done tonight, before my hand so politely reminded me that I needed to respect my hands and give them rest.

The other backgrounds arn't so defined. I'm wondering if less water and make the paint more consistant with ink. If I use water over that, spray it on, then..that might be what I'm looking for.
Kind of a dream state to start from.

I'm pretty sure that for awhile at least, I'm going to be doing pen overlays.
They will be somewhere between illustrations and paintings.
A rickity bridge between two worlds.
I hope that I can get to the place with the pen overlays where it looks like pencil.
I've been thinking about bits of colored pencil..touches, but if I do, I think it would be best to just stay with white.

I noticed something else, all of the backgrounds that I did over the last two days are primarily blue and red.
Some have yellow as well, but the predominate colors are blue and red.
No green, which strikes me as weird. I love green. Green is like breathing to me.
But I didn't notice the green or draw to it when I was putting color down initally.
I'm sure it has to do with the other things in my life that are going sideways.
Red is passion. All kinds and every kind you can think of.
It's instant. It's in your face.
Blue on the other hand is calm, sad. Emotions. Deep hidden away emotions. Tears. Heartache. Sleep. Prelude to death, prelude to life.
Both.
Blue exterior, red interior.
Calm on the outside. Ignited and blazing on the inside.
The water outside. Molent lava inside. The core. Life.
hmmmm.....
Mermaids. maybe that's what brought on the crabmen..I need another name for that.
It sounds like some bug that is marching on the city and they need to call some superhero to fight them off.
...somthing greek...maybe russian mix...hmmm
their nature? How they came to be.

I also started a second in a series of three works dealing with micology.
Mushrooms.
I'm not doing the normal forest scape. But I'm wandering around.
And I don't know how their going to end up.

I realized something about 2 am. That I'm still searching for a defined road here. But I know I need to just let go one more time.
Just play, less control when I paint.
Or draw, or do what ever other creative explosion happens.
I'm not sure what I'm doing.
I've been exploring pen over the last almost 8 months.
Everything ends up being so intense.
I love the immages that show up.
The water color have taken a background role in this direction.
their story stills and the pen asorbs it.
I started this on little wood shapes and got to the point where the shape disapeared and all I was aware of was the canvas so to speak in front of me.

I feel like I'm wandering, and nothing fits.
But at least I'm doing art again. And that's all that matters.
At the bottom of everything, it only matters that I'm doing art.
Maybe I should work tord the idea that I don't need to be a master, maybe that would help me find my way.
I know the more I work each day, the finely tuned my feel for the pen will become.
Funny, such an inexpensive tool being used to create art.
I keep telling myself it's just doodling.
Keep it simple and easy.
No thoughts about what anyone thinks.

At first, the choice of ballpoint pen was a private protest against the ideals of tradition.
I wanted to thumb my nose at all the art snobs that think only certian types of work are worthy.
I wanted it to be a statement about simplicity. And making art accessable to everyone.
And making it fun, instead of this big overwhelming thing, you have to go to college for to learn how to do it right.
Make my skin crawl!

Then it changed. I found I loved how clean and crisp I could make lines, and with practice I found that soft shading is possible.
It lost it's protest clothes and became something wonderful.
And what's even better is that I can get ballpoint pens anywhere.
Cheap.

Anyway, I'm now starting to the rest of my body asking for sleep.
I think my brain needs it too.
I'm off to never neverland. I'm going to swim with the mermaids I think...