harold_maude's journal

The last few days

# 45667

Here it is again, thursday night. Feels like a full circle
just got completed again, because the last thrusday I wrote here the laundry was hanging up to drain.

Last Saturday evening I got to hear the sound of a fast moving stream off of shout cast radio.
I listened to something that used to be able to hold me for hours, just like watching the sky used to, or burring my face into the branches of a pine tree, so I could drink the perfume of fresh pine. Yes, I love to smell trees.
Deal with it.

sorry about the deal with it, but I have come to accept that not everything about me makes any sense at all, I don't know how much makes any sense at all, but your not living in my skin, or living my life, or taking care of me, I am, so if I like burring my head in the branches of trees what does that matter to your life anyway?

My hormones are raging tonight.

That's another part of my life I don't talk about because until your there, you can only guess at what it looks like from behind my eyes.

Anyway, I realized as I sat there listening to something that used to make me melt into happy land, couldn't touch me at all.
I felt so removed from such a deep place inside me that I realized that I have spent the last 6 years thinking about survival and thinking about survival, that the things that make me happiest I am completely disconnected from.

I've been soul searching since then. Trying to anyway. I've seen so much failure over the last few days. Failure to be doing more and better by now.
Expectations birthed in this need to show the world how strong I really am.
Promises made in all honest intent and failure to be able to keep them, because the requirements to survive have been so demanding.

I used to be really good at a lot of things. I used to be able to write letters for hours on end.
I used to be able to sit down at a piano and be facinated beyond belief that there were sounds that made music and how beautiful it felt to feel thoes sounds.
Now when I sit down at the piano, all I can hear is crap, and more tired crap.
I can't touch that place right now.

Now when I sit down to write a letter, it's painful. Everything I write sounds and looks like crap.

I've been tired for a long time. So many things have happened in just the last year. And there has been so little time between events that I can barely catch my breath from one before the next thing hits.

I used to meditate alot. That was something I started doing again here about 2 years ago. It helped me by keeping things as balanced as I could in this fragile world I live in.
I don't know where or when but I stopped.
I can't recall the day I stopped, but now when I try all I find is something that resembles high speed traffic.

I know I'm burned out. But have no choice but to keep trying to find what I need so that I can get back to thoes things I really love.

The last few days have shown me where I have been living inside.

As painful as it has been to relive so much stuff, it's helped me see that it's just as important to make time for the things that at one point, were the rich soil of my soul, or maybe they were just water and fertilizer for what soil there already was.

I don't know.

I have felt things over the last few days, going by just as fast and hitting just as hard. All the fear that has been, and more fears connected with the future. And I can't run from any of it, nor do I want to because it has to be faced and delt with.
And there isn't anybody else who can do it for me, and I'm pretty sure that even if someone else could deal with this stuff for me, they really wouldn't want to.
I wouldn't expect that of any one, even if they could.

This is my stuff. The stuff in the closet. There have been times over the last six years that I believed I had at least some parts figured out but I realized that I don't know anything.
I understand how some things might work. But the really important things, I really, do not know.
That's what I am getting hammered into my head.

I don't know if tomorrow morning will come. Or the next 5 minuets. Or if anyone I know and love will be here tomorrow or not.
I don't know.
I have tried to live with that knowledge front and center every day for a long time now.
But that crazy need to survive seems to demand so much practical application to everything that even living there has made holding onto that difficult at best.

I have had so little energy the last couple of months that I have to gear my head into possition just to get through the day.
I want to take naps all the time now!

When I sleep, I either have insane dreams, like several parts of obscure movies pasted together badly and when I wake up,I feel like I've been running laps.
When I don't dream, I wake up exausted and disoriented. Like
I'm not sure where I am. It makes me wonder about thoes nights and what really goes on when I'm sleeping.

All of these things have been going through my mind since I heard the sound of the stream last saturday night.
Now I'm waiting for daylight.
Hope it comes soon.

In the dark

# 45642

Sometimes when we sit with something for a long, long time, when it comes time to deal with it, trying to do so is not so easy.

I realized tonight that I have been at war with anger for a very long time.
Anger at not being heard. Anger at being judged. Anger at giving in. Anger at not being heard...I already said that, I know, but it's at the top of my list.

My anger goes deep. And like any deep well I'm not sure where the bottom is.
I have used this well of anger to get the adreniline in my system up high enough to get through the day, especially when going to work is the last thing I want to do.

That happens sometimes. I go anyway because I know if I don't
I don't get to eat, food from a store at least. I would end up going out into the wild and figure it out from there.
I'm not sure I want to do that just at this moment.

I wouldn't have enough money to cover the lot rent here and I would end up loosing this place.
It would end up with me ass to eye balls deep in debt until I could get my head clear enough to figure a way out.

In liu of that I keep going to work.
Simple economics. Right?

I just want to let the anger go, but have no idea how to.
The anger I feel now is based on events that ended up hurting me deeply.
People that I have let close have turned on me and I end up
getting the short end of things.
And the bill for what ever economic mess that comes with it ends
up on my shoulders.
What hurts the deepest about all of thoes events is not that things happened. They do. That's life. But thoes things came about from people who I thought and believed cared as much about me as I did about them.
That's what makes me the angeriest about all of this, is that the people I let close enough to find a place in my life and in my heart, didn't really give a shit at all.

If I let my anger have justice as it wants to, I'm very sure that I would end up going to jail for something or other.
And that's not where I want to be. So I don't give my anger
free reign to wreak havoc back at thoes people.

So tonight I war once again with a dark place. Hopefully I will win the war. Hopefully.

Thursday night

# 45625

As my laundry hangs dripping over the tub, I learned that wringing out too many clothes after washing is painful on the hands and so I let them hand for about an hour before I wring them out, I was thinking about this project I have going on.
It's a set of 25, or will be in a few days, of 25 moncromatic drawings in color on black.

Now the virtues of drawing on black paper are many. Using black to start with tends to mess with how we see the world.
You deal with only the light reflection if your going for something along the lines of a still life, and the colors that are generally reserved for highlights becomes main players on black.
I'm not fond of drawing in pink. It doesn't do alot for me, but on black it's amazing.
When I'm done with the set, I have planned to go to kinkos to get them onto disk so I can show them on line.
I don't have a good digital camera and no scanner at the moment, this is the solution left to me.

It's been good doing these. With so much of life these days consumed with doing what needs to get done, doing something creative with a goal is a good thing.

I love working in colored pencil and it seems to like me back.
My favorite pencils are prismacolor because they are as close to pastel as you can get without going the road of dealing with tools that are way to fragile for the intensity I tend to draw with.
I'm thinking that when I get it all done I want to attach cloth binding to each one and turn it into a book of art.

I have been working on the brown paper comix but I'm stuck in some places as well. The best inspiration for brown paper comix is life in stripped down mode.
So that is comming along. I just finished a list of fun things to do in winter that will be in the first issue:

1. Watch the thermometer drop. Take bets as to how long it will stay attached to that loose nail.

2. Count rasins.

3. Make cookie sculptures.

4. hold a spit freezing contest. The winner gets an armband made of aluminum foil and a tube of tooth paste.

5. list all the things you can't remember. This is challanging because if you can't remember than how can you list it?

6. Stop in mid-sentance. Don't start talking again for a few minuets. Look at the person your talking to with a really puzzled look. Say "OK and thank you" and let them wonder.

7. Discuss the life of a bean.

8. find something.

9. Make a chicken head out of an empty egg carton. Put a for sale sign on it and ask a $1,000 for it.

10.challange someone to lick their ear.

11. Take turns making shit up.

12. laugh until your sides hurt.

13. explain where toothpaste comes from. be creative, the more outlandish and strange you can make it, the better.

14. color snow.

The list is endless. So that is slowly growing.

The black works were started on Easter. I spent the majority of the day drawing and that's something I haven't done for a very long time. When given time I am prolific artist.

It will be easier when I get a scanner because then when something is done I can just scann it and put it up.
A website has been discussed and I'm thinking about it.
All art all the time...something like that.
I know I want to put as many artists on it as I can, at least links to their sites.
Of all the forms of communication that humans are capable of, to me art is the most profound and the most revealing about the person doing the art.
The viewer is invited to share the artists world. We need more art in the world, and more music.
Much more.

I got to hear some classical music today that was put to techno.
It was awesome. Beetoveen's ninth done in techno...it's yes..
They did the moonlight sonta as well. You can dance to it and it's fun and full of energy.
The moonlight sonta is also fun to put your own lirics to as well.
I was singing about squirels to it today. I've sung about socks as well.
It tends to make me smile and it's hard to sing while these immages are going through my head.

A few months ago I was introduced to sympony x, and I fell in love. A perfect marriage of metal and classical music.
I have felt for a long time that metal and classical were the perfect partners. They are both powerful in nature and equally intense. Both conjour immages and can take you away.
So when I heard it I naturally got goose bumps all over.
It was nice to find out that my feeling was right.

Well, I gotta go draw now. :)

Bad choices

# 45623

In hindsight I wish sometimes I didn't do the things I end up doing.
Like yelling into the halls of this place and asking where everybody has gone. I miss reading the writing of other people.
I miss alot of things, and have missed much.

I really wish I hadn't yelled at the top of my lungs. I make mistakes and errors, and it doesn't take long for me to understand what I did wrong.
I'm greatful that it doesn't take long. Spending months in a place that my bad choice creates is not something I enjoy, the aftermath is generally not good.

So my appoligies again, I did it at the post and now I'm doing it here. I appoligize for yelling and wanting to know if anyone was out there.

Over the last two years I have learned that many people with brilliant minds and voices have left the building, all that's left is what they had to say.
Some of them I got introduced to durring that two years and at the same time I learned that they were dead.

When I got back here, I found myself wondering..some people were still here, that's a good thing.
They are still ok.

As I have been reading over old threads I found a discussion about this place dying. Martin, which when he was writing here, had powerful things to say. That stupid post that I wrote started there and was added to when every time I have come here since I got back and found last posts and journal entries from over a year ago.
It made me wonder, where have all the writers gone?
Is there anyone still out there?
Has life overwhelmed them and burried them under too much...and in that place I made a bad choice to write something I wish I could take back because it has offended some of the best people I know.
I am so sorry for making that bad choice.

Very sorry indeed...

The sounds just outside the door..lead to utopia

# 45604

You can tell I live in the city. Just sit in my living room and before the night is out, you hear sirens.
They seem to go on forever sometimes.

Tonight, there is a fire somewhere. I just heard an ambulance and then more sirens.
The sounds of a city, with lots of things going on.
Not events that are held in some big theatre or arena crammed to the rafters or nosebleed section making lots of noise and lots of other sounds.
No these sounds are the sounds that happen when people exist in a large group.

I hear alot of cars. We are close enough to one of the interstates that come through here to see the traffic.
At the same time I live with in walking distance to a spread out park.

Sometimes the city reminds me of what a work of art would look like if you took parts of a few pissaco's and threw in some salvior dali and added a few parts of any refrigerator art that you have or have access to. Something with alot of moving unrelated parts.
Each arguing their validity and why they are the most important of all the peices.
That's what the city reminds me of at night when I can hear it just outside at a relativly close distance.

There have been alot of helicopters flying over head at night here lately as well.
And then there are the sounds inside. Back ground noise in the form of a mix of dryer, the dryer still works...and some ambiant music.

It makes me wish sometimes that I had a portal that I could just walk through and be anywhere. I know that's the stuff science fiction is made of but, it would still be nice to have.

I'd have a place waiting somewhere, on the beach. With miles and miles of sand and the sound of the ocean and that wonderful smell. yes I know it can smell of fish really bad, but the smell that I'm talking about is that warm sea smell on a perfect summer day.
The kind of day that you keep in your head and it becomes sanctuary when everything in your world isn't where it should be.

I'd have a cool house there. A greenhouse too. And places set up like different kinds of gardens. A very beautiful japanese garden, with a waterfall.
An english garden with well manicured hedges and lots and lots of roses everywhere.
A roman garden with collums and steps everywhere.
And a vast pond that you could walk down underneath and see the world through the water above your head.
I'd have a couple of really huge waterfalls going on.
I'd have one be like the one in Hawaii that is like a series of glass slides...a thousand kisses on your skin...I think that's one of it's names.

The house would be connecting sacred geometry shapes, with stained glass sections so that when the sun would come to that area the rooms it was hitting would be bathed in different colors.
There would be several bathrooms with hot tubs just outside on a deck attached to the bathroom.

There would be a solarium where species of plants that needed to be kept alive and that the world is loosing through pollution and development and deforestation.
The greenhouses would be user friendly...everything edible grown in raised bed gardens at the perfect height so that anyone could garden there, even someone who is in a wheelchair.

Yes, to my utopian world I would bring people who are in wheel chairs, and kids sometimes too and their parents too, so that they could actually spend time with their kids doing somthing wonderful instead of always being on thoes grows called cell phones.

I would bring them a few at a time. So as not to disturb the peace there.
I would make sure there were drum circles and fires at night on the beach...

This is my utopian escape. And if by some amazing happenstance someone with a ton of resorces and money decited to show up in my life tomorrow and wanted to make this real, then I would make sure that everyone I know would have a chance to spend time there.
Leave everything that demands life of you and gives nothing back for just a little while so that you can once again get aquainted with you and what real rest can feel like.

The other thing I would insist about being there is that when you go through the portal and go there, that time would stop.
So you could stay for years, never age and when you came back, the next moment to this one would be happening.

I can immagine if this were possible, we'd all go there and never come back. Or maybe we'd just go there after a tough day and stay for 10 years and when we got back we wouldn't remember what we were so upset about.

How different the world might be if we could just stop and think before doing things in a panic or doing things out of anger or hate or predijus, or jealousy, or selfishness.
How different would our view of our purpose be if we could stop long enough to take a breath and get a good view of who we really are and what our best and brightest possiblity is.

Very often I have found that life and the grind of the demands that allow us to eat, stay warm and dry and have everything that modern life tells us will make our life more convient and better in the long run so we have to have it kind of thing, take away more of what is actually the most valuable thing we own, and that is the care and feeding of everything we are.

My utopia. But I know that utopias can only exist somewhere where the world can't get to them.
The first person with a selfish adjenda that walks into a utopia it ceases to be a utopia, it's money in the bank and make it something else.

So maybe it's a good thing when a person finds one of thoes places and keeps it to themselves.
Sounds selfish I know, but would you blame them?

I've a had a few utopian moments here and there in my life.
And a few places as well that I adopted as my utopia.
The truth is that when the people weren't there that's when they were perfect.

And thoes of us who want that, write about it, paint and draw and sculpt it, put it to music.
We create our version of it for the world to see.

I realize that for some, the city is utopia in some form. The perfect place.
And to thoes I say more power to them. Someone has to love the city, otherwise we wouldn't have all the amazing buildings all over the world that we do, and the art galleries and the fountians built of concrete and dreams in stone.
We wouldn't have libraries filled with the words and worlds of thousands of people who wanted and had something to say in a way that anyone could hear them.
And inspite of my idea of utopia, I do apreaciate what people have created who love the idea of city.

I've wondered sometimes, if dreams can be a door into that place we see as utopia.
That would be a nice dream, any time anywhere.
Maybe that's what over the rainbow is for who ever, that place that is their utopia.
Could be, maybe.

I saw something today....

# 45603

I've been looking at youtube alot lately. Alot of stuff to see.
Alot of history on there, things from past shows that are no longer on the air, and things that people have caught on camera and have put out there for the world to see.

I saw something today and for the first time it hit me, that this land I love is being herded into a place where the word freedom may become something we won't be able to speak outloud for very much longer.

I saw what appears to be concentration camps here in america.
They stand empty now, but if things keep going the way they are they won't be empty for very much longer.

I watched a movie the other night called "zietgeist" And it scared me. Truely scared me. I had heard many things about the govement, and have seen many terrible things happen in this country in the last 5 or so years. But this movie, it scared me.
It was eye opening in a way that makes me understand that the saying "if they do this in the greenwood, immagine what they will do in the dry" is about.

I have been having more dreams about terrible wars and terrible loss of life. Thoes dreams scare me, because they are so real, tangable.

Other things have begun to make me feel the tide of the terrible rising, people who go about life seemingly oblivious to anything but the mall and shopping and the latest reality crapola that is being churned out of the hollywood pit.

It would seem that there is a mass effort to put people to sleep.
The freedom to speak one's mind is now something that a person has to be careful about because someone might take it wrong, and everything could just collapse in on a person.

It reminds me of what I've read in the history books about the salem witch trials.

There is something else that I read a long time ago, that when the rulers of a country are honorable men, just in all they do, the land and the people will prosper, but when wicked men come into power the people suffer much...that is a rough translation, but through out history we can see the truth of that.

Absoult power corrupts absoulty. And the whole of humanity suffers.
See on this planet it isn't seperate nations that should be our concern, but it should be that we are all connected because we are all of the same species, human....
It's not the color or belief system that defines us, it's the fact that we all have the same thing going on....WE ARE ALL HUMAN!
I wish the goverments of the world would stop using the people under their care to fight their wars.
I would love to see a huge rock um sock um all out go for the works battle, and the players brought on to the field would be all the leaders of every country that has a problem with another country. Let them beat the crap out of each other, and leave the rest of us alone to live in peace with each other.

I've met people from many places, and guess what they are all really nice folks. What we discover is that outside of difference in clothes and a few problems with speaking different languages, they basicly want the same thing as me.
To live a life that is peaceful and happy.

It's the leaders that have the problem. And what makes me really sad is that they send thousands of husbands, wives, sons and daughters into wars that thoes leaders never go near.
They won't send their kin to fight their war, so they send someone elses.
And the sad truth is that when you look at it, thoes people, just like you and just like me are considered expendable.
It sucks.

The leaders need to just knock it off and grow up.

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