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I was reading through the forums and came across the question posed by Bunk about the little red hen.
I ended up doing some reading because I could see it being propaganda for both at first, but then as I looked deeper I found that it was more likely about something else.
I think if I was going to put it in the propaganda catagory I would have to look at it as propagana for religion.
That aside, where my reading took me was to the ideologies of both socialism and captialism.
There is definately alot of information about both!
Capitalism it seems is old. It's as least as old as the roman empire.
And socialism was birthed out of the need for change from a very soficating political and economic system in which the poor had nothing and the rich had everything.
Sounds alot like alot of the world today.
History keeps repeating it's self.
Seems that now all over the world resistance and revolution are happening because the goverments of the world as they operate now are more about the few who are privileged and less about the masses who have little or nothing.
No wonder Thomas Jefferson said that it is our duty to over throw the goverment. He realized, just as the people who were his contemporaries that govement tends tord coruption and oppression of the common man.
Most highly industrialized societies have goverments that are bigger than they should be, and end up being this thing that needs lots and lots of money just to keep going.
Being an american, I look at the goverment of this country as a prime example of that.
We have more buracrats, more unnessiary goverment intrusion and more waste than the people should ever have to put up with.
The man who is in the highest office for his second term has made things a whole lot worse by involving all of us in this crazy war that should never have been started in the first place.
I am very sure that there are people who will completely disagree with that, but that's ok. I do believe in freedom of speech.
The basis for going to war was a complete illusion. And in my opinion had more to do with oil than bringing democracy to a part of the world that really wasn't interested in democracy in the first place.
Who are we to decide what a country and it's people should believe?
We are not the surpreme monarchy of the world.
And now because of all this non sense, many countries of the world hate this country.
I can't say that I blame any of them for feeling that way.
He went off half cocked and took the rest of us with him, dispite what many of us tried to tell him.
The man was not listening, and now we have this mess.
I've heard that a couple of states have decreed that when he leaves office if he chooses to go to thoes states he will be tried for war crimes.
Good for them. I think every state in the union should follow suit.
Anyway, I'm getting side tracked.
Socialism it seems, at least in it's intent, is about people governing themselves in all areas of life.
I think that's what the fore fathers of this country had in mind when they chose that this country would be a republic.
It's not a democracy, it's a republic.
There is a difference, but people often think the united states is a democracy rather than a republic.
I think the forefathers understood that most people living here did not have enough education or need to understand the workings of goverment.
Goverment has little to do with raising food. Or survival.
Now it does of course, but back when this country was just cutting it's teeth on establishing what goverment in this country needed to or should mean.
The avarage person of the time had more important things to do than think about goverment.
George washington didn't want to be the leader of the goverment.
He didn't want to be another king george.
I'm pretty sure that's why it was decited that who ever ended up being president would only be allowed to serve a term of 4 years.
They worked hard to put down principles that the goverment needed to abide by.
The foundation on which this goverment which is now so corrupt and so huge that most of the time no one has much of an idea of all the stuff that goes on and how much it really is costing all of the people, was designed to keep goverment at a minum, not the biggest consumer of everything in the country.
Sounds like I don't like our goverment, doesn't it.
I don't like what it has become. Now we have to throw money at it because it's got a life all it's own and because it's so fat we are required to keep feeding it.
gotta stop ranting for a bit...
This happens with regularity now. The waves of a ceritan emotion will come, settle for a while and then disapate.
It changes with regularity as well, so it isn't something constant. Tonight a great sense of hopelessness has come.
I'm not sure why they come like they do, or what they mean.
I've had to learn how to tell what's mine and what isn't.
This falls into the second catagory. When it's mine there are
events that happen that touch me on some deep level and there the emotions come.
When this happens, there is nothing preceeding it. Just like someone turns on a light switch.
I've become somewhat acustom to this occuring.
It has been happening more and more lately.
When it's connected to someone I know, it will settle in a part of my body, like an arm, or one ear, or one foot and so on.
I know it's connected because when I go through the mental lists of people I know, the right person will make the feeling grow stronger.
When it's no one that I know, it just settles in around me.
There is no personal reason for me to feel this way tonight, but I have learned that it's a good idea to take as many observable notes as possible. I have found that to be a good way to get a better idea of what is going on.
There are immages that form sometimes to go with the things I feel. And all I can see with this feeling is children. Thousands of faces of children. Their eyes show so much pain.
I can feel that too.
It's times like these that I wish I knew how to follow through on this kind of thing so that it wouldn't feel so half done, as it were.
As I was thinking about this place today, this journal that I started a few years ago now, I wondered about the people that were so active when I was writing here alot.
Did their lives go according to plan, or are they still struggling with the same things they were some two years ago.
I will spend time reading to find out about these people.
It will be alot like picking up a book that got started and forgotten somewhere.
Comming back here and writing again made me think about the time after I no longer had net access, and then having it again.
The time when the world got too close to the door.
For thoes who have never lived in the country and have only
known city life, it's a strange shift.
I am very sure that it would be the same if a city person suddenly found themselves out in the middle of nature.
Very odd, and very scary. It was hard to sleep all night for the first 6 months.
Inspit of many nights at the farm there was some movie blasting away just a few feet above, when we got here, everything outside the door made me jump.
I finally learned to not listen so much and learn how to sleep through noises associated with city life.
I still have trouble with noises outside the door.
Animals come to the door in the country and make noise outside,
but they arn't like people.
People are unpredicitble when you don't know them and they don't know you.
So that's still a struggle.
I would love to go back to the country someday. Have a place where the city can't be heard or felt all the time.
I like people. I do. I just have trouble with much of the things they do, to themselves and to other people is all.
I enjoy babies, and small people too.
The kind who are so enthalled with everything. They are filled with wonder at everything.
Too bad that most all of them will loose that sense of wonder.
What it will be replaced with will depend on the amount of immitation life they are drown in.
Peer pressure too, will shape what they want to see and be surrounded with.
The establishment of pecking order. That's what happens when a child enters into school.
It's suppose to be about learning and growing mentally, and physically as well.
But I'm not so sure it's about anything more than learning that society likes carbon coppies of people that are suppose to be guides, that's what a teacher is by the way, a guide to higher learning.
Getting to know more than you did when you got up this morning, that's all higher learning in elementry and high school should be. Simple. The broading of the mind with new information.
And help remembering what you learned the day and days before this one.
But what I see is more about fashion.
More about things that children shouldn't have to be dealing with.
I have a few ideas of what happened along the way.
So, I like the little people. I just wish the adults they were with didn't love their cell phones so much.
Give a kid the idea that there really isn't anyone there, just someone they learn to call mommy and daddy.
I've seen the other kind of adult as well, the kind that is facinated with this short perfect copy of the big size person.
And that's beautiful to see.
A mom talking to her baby. A dad making a monkey of himself just to see his baby laugh.
Baby laughter is highly contagious.
It's infectious, and awesome.
I love it when I see families enjoying who their with.
I've seen frustrated children trying to become adults and the adults don't want them to grow up.
They just say they do. But what "Grow up" really means when thoes kinds of adults say it is "Do your life my way and then I will be proud of you. Anything else is not ok."
I've seen domineering mothers who refuse to let their thrity something child alone to figure out their own code of life.
They are constantly telling this adult how it should be done if it's going to be done right.
I've seen vacant fathers having nothing to say, when they should be talking about life to the person they helped bring into the world.
I've seen the over protective as well. Well meaning and terrified to let go.
That's the people. Human just like me.
I wasn't so great a parent growing up along side my kids who are now doing better at living life than I did when I made it as far down they road in age as they have.
Maybe it all came down to looking at how screwed up I was and making the decision that I wasn't where they wanted to go.
What ever the reason I'm happy they are both ok.
Both have lives they enjoy.
My daughter got married last summer to someone who is her balance and best friend.
Good for her. I'm happy that she knows herself well enough to understand what she was looking for.
And I'm happy that it didn't take her years to find that person.
It took him longer to find her though.
All that matters is that they found each other in a sea of so many.
I have no doubt that they will have many happy years of leaning about each other.
I'm not sure they will have kids or not.
I hope they do.
I think they'll both make good parents and good guides for their children.
My son is still looking. I hope he finds someone as well.
Time will tell.
I guess maybe I spend more time than I should thinking...can't seem to help it.
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It just seems to be the way things is, at least so far.
Trying to live a simple life when things just keep happening, sometimes seems more like trying to climb a mountian with no gear, just a pair of wrong shoes and a lite jacket.
That's what life ends up being like sometimes.
It's been like that for a while. I quit getting upset and have spent much of my time trying to figure out how to live simply anyway.
I figure I can't change anyone's mind about the distructive things their doing to themselves, but I can do something about me. And I choose to try to keep it as simple as possible, inspite of feeling time getting faster. Inspite of feeling emotions that come and go, most not making any sense at all and trying to figure out where they are comming from just makes it more difficult. Things out of the blue.
Life looks and feels strange most days.
I need balance. Life works when it's in balance. It may not be easy, but it works.
I like balance. I just really like it when it's in the mix,
seems to sort things out.
But everything in the world isn't in balance. And less so now.
With each passing day, the world seems more like a top spinning out of control and trying to careen into the nearest wall.
There has been talk about putting border checks between the states. There has been mention of needing papers to cross.
History is trying to repeat itself.
But the people who are thinking about doing all this, don't see that, all they see is that they have to do this.
Did someone forget to tell them that that's how facist states start? By making life more about having the "right" paperwork,
and making sure you don't say something anti this or anti that.
Freedom, by freedome striped away while we are all busy trying to live. Too occupied with things that are designed to help everyone forget history.
Very soon now they will require a chip to be put in the I.D. of everyone born after 1963, I think that's the year they are putting as the starting point with all this madness.
It's also scary that people seem content to just let it happen.
Instead of realizing that we are headed down the same road as many other civilzations that crashed, burned and fell, and going into a mass revolt against the few that would keep us as some kind of slave or prisioner population, the masses seem content with the status quo.
There is a revolt in process, but not nearly loud enough to stop the process.
And me, well I just would like to live a simple life. And that won't be possible if all this stuff doesn't stop.
None of us will know simple after a while.
Just a state of fear. We already have that going on. Terroist this and terrorist that.
Has anyone bothered to stop and remind these folks who keep screaming this cry to the rest of us, that terrorism has been around for alot longer than any of the currant population has been alive?
It's been present in every single major advanced civilzation, just before that civilization took a header to collapse.
It's not a new thing. It's old.
It happens when a person or group of people want to control the rest of the population, to persuade by terror for political purposes.
To rule the world. That's the goal. No balance. No reason. No freedom.
And that's scary too.
But history just keeps repeating itself, and humans keep doing it to each other.
And it just keeps comming. Maybe our great, great, great grandchildren will finally figure out how to stop this cycle from happening yet once again.
Hope so. Some group of people has to finally get it.
Hmmm...seems I got lost in a rant.
That seems to happen alot lately. History repeating.
Well, after a very long road full of all kinds of stuff, I am back here again.
Lessons have a way of happening inspite of us.
We moved out of the farm almost 2 years ago. We haven't had the net since then so this has just waited here. And I'm glad to see that this site is still running. That's something amazing in a world where the latest thing can't keep up long enough to stay alive as it were.
The fact that this site is still here is a testament to what it is to thoes who make it a part of lives.
Anyway, about the farm, that was where all this left off I think, not sure though, I'm going to have to go back and re-read over what was written.
We left after things got so bad that there was no other choice.
After we left we got word from another person who also left that things really got bad. The person who was causing all the problems for me, started in on the next person until they had enough and left as well.
It came to a head with the only person left kicking the problem child as it were out the door.
This individal passed away last year. He didn't pass away from
M.S., but rather all his obsessive anxiety about wanting to control everything and everyone finally culminated in a very large stroke.
When I was told, the person expected me to be happy about his death, but rather I was only happy that no one else would ever be subject of his insanity ever again.
Then just a few weeks ago, one of the people who lived there when I was there passed away after a relativly short bout with liver cancer.
I was sad to hear the news, but the knowledge that he is no longer suffering helps.
Winter here is almost done. Me and all the other people in this city are happy at the thought of spring comming and the changes that it will bring.
I'm still emersed in art. Doing sculptures now. Even something so deep inside me is subject to change.
I hope all of you out there are doing well, and that life has been kind over the past few years to you and yours.
Again, I am happy to see this place still here.
May your day be filled with things that amaze you and remind you
that you are made of star stuff.
Here it is almost the end of Febuary and change is in the wind.
Change is good. Things get shifted, moved out of the way, and the road becomes all that is ahead of you.
Tomorrow we find out if we have a new place to live or not.
This next week one of the guys here who has been here a little longer than us is leaving this city.
I'm both happy and sad at his departure. Happy for him because he's been dancing around this decision for well over a year now.
And to finally see him make the decision to go forward is good.
All of the months of frustration at knowing he needed to move forward are done.
I told him if he comes back after a month with his tail between his legs I was going to kick him in the butt.
And I will. To watch someone struggle for so long working through every possiblity again and again and then to see them back down once they start going forward is enough to drive you crazy.
That aside, this change that is before is tenative right now.
And if it goes through and we have a new place to live, then all of this that has gone on here can be finally put to rest.
I want it to be. I don't want to face any thing that will remind me of the things that have gone on here, and the subsequent end result.
I need spring to happen in my life. There needs and will be time to really recharge.
So when the next step comes in the journey I will be ready to just go.
When I leave somewhere I don't ever take a trip down memory lane.
I hardly do that now with the places I've been or the things I've done in the past. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember things of childhood.
They seem so far removed from where I am now.
And ten years down the road this place will seem very far away.
I am learning very quickly that to spend life looking back and dreaming and wanting what was back there is somthing that costs you being able to see what is right in front of you or even ahead down the road.
I can't take back anything of the past. I can't hold the things I used to love or talk to the people who are dead and burried again.
I used to spend hours lost in thoughts of adventure, and arguments with people who pissed me off.
Telling them off again and again. But that is something that has disapeared from my life it would seem, that need to self justify my particular perspective no matter how tangled it was or even how accurate it was and ended up being.
I have for many years now seen things down the road, seen inside of people where the truth is about who they really are, completely stripped of any and all masks that people so often wear to protect themselves.
I have know lots of things, and I have learned that what most people want isn't the truth about what they need to change inside them, they want to know about tomorrow. They want to have someone validate their disorted self dillusion that they are wonderful and in control.
I've wanted that. We all do at some point and often at lots of points in life we want that.
We want to have the assurance that we are strong, and masters of our world, and that we are the very best we can be.
And that we are loved, and thoes we believe love us really do.
The idea that our problems and phobias and fears are more in control than we want to admit is aborrant to us because it means that we are just as capable of really bad shit as the asshole that we want to beat the crap out of when what they are doing is really, really unnessiary and stupid.
The biggest problem is that the truth really often does hurt.
I don't know if it would hurt so much if we were brought up from childhood with the notion that to be the best of who we are capable of being means that life is often filled with things that will challange our very nature and when we overcome and come out stronger in the end is just the way things are.
But we want the fairytale world we have been surrounded with day after day through advertising and through everything else that is an illusion that surrounds us.
Gives us a false sense of belief that we are invincible and that if we have so much of this or that we have arrived at the pinicle of everything....
But life doesn't do things that way. Somedays life is good, somedays it really sucks from the moment you wake up.
And thoes days are the berometer days of what's inside you, in need of attention.
I've learned that because of all of this, people really don't listen. They are too busy thinking about what they are going to say next.
Our lack of real communication makes us strangers even to ourselves, hopelessly drowing in the desperate need to have someone really understand us and the hope that when they do get it they won't run away in horror at what they see.
We fill the hours of uncomfortable discomfort with things that will soften thoes places and at least make them not so loud.
We busy ourselves to fight bordom. To get through the hours when we are alone.
Sometimes even in a crowed room we are alone. We are distant from the people we should be closer too, and sometimes too close to thoes that are nothing more, in reality than just filling space in our world.
So we don't have to spend time looking in the mirror and not having a clue as to who we are, and how the hell did my face and body age so fast kind of thing.
So I have come to the place where I don't say a whole lot anymore about what I see. If someone asks me I will tell them don't ask if you are looking for anything other than my view, and my observations, which may not be pleasant or even seem kind.
..and please don't be pissed if I tell you that big elephant you've got in the front room has just taken a really big shit and it stinks...
your the one who brought it in the house in the first place and then expected the rest of us to live with it...or something like that.
In all of this, through all of this, I have found that I have a hard edge to me now. Self protection more than anything.
I've wondered if compassion still exists at all in me now.
Or if I've become this hard bitch that looks at tough things that life throws at people and says "this is your opportunity to find out what's inside you. Don't whine about it. In the end it has the power to change you into someone you never thought you could be. A more decient human being, and someone who is no longer sleeping through life."
...it will be interesting to see what the next year unfolds, and how many scars remain after this place is behind me.
And just everything else along the way.
I don't expect everything to all of a sudden become smooth or perfect, what ever that is.
But I'm up for change, and everything that comes with it.
I'm game, even if everything just blows up every 5 minuets.
Even if at the end of the road I'm sitting out in the middle of nowhere trying to decide what direction to head off in to.
After all I can always change the direction simply by turning my footsteps some other way....
Another day, exausted peices of something. Me, I think. Payday. Money already earmarked for this and that
and the search for a new place to live is underway.
I being the traveler that I am, looks forward to something different. Something away from the madness and the feel
of a mortuary that this place has become.
Am I bitter about seeing something that had life enter a phase of death? No. Death comes to all things living.
When it settles and becomes the thread of days, then I have to say that the person exuding the throws of death
needs a good swift kick in the butt.
Either that or they need to get into a job suited to their energy. Embalming corpses. Because at that point they
have everything in common with a dead body and nothing in common with the bodies that are still up and walking around.
But soon we will leave this scene of deathism and go on. And I will finally be able to put this all to rest. It's hard
when you have to come back to it to sleep at night.
We went to a diner tonight. A fulfillment of wanting to completely feel the words of Tom Waits in some kind way,
being as we have at this time no way to go to where he could be doing a live concert.
It would be nice, to sit in a semi-darkened room listening to a story teller who I could listen to all day, and never say a word.
Except a few drifting sweet mumbles here and there.
He is one of my all time favorite artists.
The more I listen the more he becomes one of the parts of my decompression at the end of the day.
The diner. A small counter only place with stools set at the counter and one table for any over flow that might happen.
The cook was a big guy. The kind you would expect to see in a place like this. The food, like all diner food was good.
It was served on a plate, the white kind with some kind of pattern common to places like this.
The other cook, or cooks were round the corner in the fry kitchen.
And the waitress was a young girl about 22, I'd guess, maybe a bit younger with something in her eyes that said this
was a place she liked to hang out at and that's why she was working there.
Phone calls came in and she answered on from a guy named Larry. From the sounds of it, Larry was a regular.
The kind that orders over the phone and spends a half hour after he gets there bulshitting with who ever is on at the time.
Tonight Larry couldn't make up his mind what he wanted.
He kept changing his mind.
He called back to change his order. Onion rings instead of slaw. The 4 peice dinner with onion rings on the side was his
final word on the subject.
She and I carried on a disconnected conversation while Larry was trying to make up his mind. A couple of times she said "Larry...
Larry are you there? She could hear him talking to someone on the other end through a hand covering the reciever. And I commented
that it appeared that Larry was having trouble making his mind up. She said he does this all the time.
I must admit that I wanted to see the starched white aprons covered in food stains on the cook. It would have completed the ideal
immage of the diner for me.
I wanted to see the waitress in the familar white uniform that defines diner waitresses of the past.
But this is now, and everyone behind the counter dressed casually.
So much for the notion that diners have this thing that makes them diners. Out side of that the food was what I expected to get,
and yes my stomach was in need of help once we left.
It was a good night, stomach and all.
I'm off to bed now. I have to go sling pizza tomorrow. Working in a hot kitchen running my ass off and wishing that I was doing art.
Loving the crazy moods that place gets, and the insanity that invades the kitchen with the lunch crowd.
And after that, dishes that will take the rest of the time I'm there to clean.
Another day another dollar, and when I get my next paycheck, I'll do the same thing I've done for a while.
Just sit there and look at it and wish it was fun money just for once instead of watching it vanish into other people's pockets.