harold_maude's journal

Given some distance from a person or event, the once blurry lines become clear, distinct.
You can finally get the answer to the question, "what am I looking at?"

There are so many things that can blurr the vision and make thinking clearly almost impossible.
Emotional ties. Loyality. And a few others that you might not be familiar with. One is hypnosis. The kind carried on in a conversation that leaves you doing things and wanting things that you really don't.

Like energy vampires, the person who is adept at conversational hypnosis is usually doing it because without it, no one would pay attention and or give them what they want.

The name I gave to conversational hynosis before I knew what I was looking at was and still is "The Charm".
And if you've ever been hit by it, it's tough to keep things straight.

As it happens I had an experience with someone who not only was good at it, but the intent that was attached was not in my best interest.
Since I had never met anyone quite as magnetic as this person seemed to be, I was pulled by something that I didn't understand at all.
Now that I understand what was going on, it occured to me that it's got to be a fairly common practice among people who are in power. Hey if you can do it to one person, why not a whole nation.

Now that I know what it is and how it works, I am slower to move on somthing someone is trying to get me to do or take.
I listen harder to my gut when there is some person who is doing a song and dance, much like a magician does slight of hand, and when there is sufficant confusion and diversion, then the real purpose becomes evident, the suggestions are planted.
And thoes suggestions are made of words at least in part with embedded commands, so when all is said and done, you find yourself doing things, thinking things that under straight on conversation, you would never do.

There is indeed great wisdom in knowing yourself, and what it is that you really want.

Fortunately for me, the person weilding the charm in my direction met with several walls.
When they showed up on the scene, I had already spent long hours
soul searching.
They also ran into what I know in my bones is my purpose.
So after months of trying to get me to become one of their followers as it were, they aparently decited they didn't want to try to get me to do what they wanted after all.

For all the things I struggle with, having a weak mind is not one of them.
A person of this type will test the strength of their hold, by doing things that insite emotional responses.

If you have ever had an aquantance who you liked but had no idea why you would like them because most of what they do, is really stupid, some type of hynotic control was more than likely involved.
Depending on how much of your emotions have been infected by the charm, will be how strongly you feel things like jealousy, or abandonment. Somewhere along the line addiction seems to happen.

I know this because I watched this person use it on several other people at the same time they were trying to get me on board so to speak.

Now that I know that it's out there, waiting for who ever is vunrable, I will walk with wiser eyes, and sharper ears.

Another saturday almost gone and I'm hoping that I will sleep good tonight. I spent the day between trying to get some concrete figure that I can work tord so that I can get a new muffler, and talking to a some people I can trust, trying to sort everything out so that a road through it all can be found.

I know that change comes, but there are times I wish it didn't resemble a huge dump truck full of stuff that ends up on my head so much.

It keeps comming and I keep standing, sometimes not so up right, but still standing in the morning as it were.

I keep thinking that when I get a bit down the road, it might be a good idea to write about the experiences that have run over me, it might help someone out there who is in worse shape with the same kinds of things simply because they don't know how to help themselves, they are stumped and need some help figuring things out.

One person thought I was asking for financial help. I stopped them before they offered something. I told them I was not asking for financial help, just strength and wisdom so I can navigate this sea without too many dings along the way.
It really has helped with all of this.

I have to do the leg work so to speak, but when your burned out, and it's showing no signs of slowing down any time soon, just a little emotional support is sometimes the best medicine for helping survive the trip.

I still haven't figured out where to take the truck to get the muffler. I read many horror stories about midas taking people for lots of money.
So I'm not sure I really want to go through them.
They were open today and when I called I started asking some basic questions which the guy on the other end of the phone said he couldn't give me an answer to.

Questions like what will it cost me for you to just look at it and tell me what I need.
Basicly what will it cost me just to have you look at it.
And he couldn't give me any kind of number...there are red flags going up at this point, so I started asking different people where they went, and I got a variety of answers.

If I were a man I could get answers I'm sure of that. But being a woman in this town I really have to watch things close,
repair shops like to take women for what they can.
And that's because most women don't know alot about cars.
I know a little, but almost next to nothing other than what I read about today, on mufflers.

So I spent time reading about mufflers. Then I got my owner's manual out of the glove box and started looking for anything on the exaust system and read through it and there was nothing on the muffler. No joke here. I thought to myself, the one thing that I need to get help with so that I get the right thing and the people who made this truck have nothing to say about what kind I should get.

I looked at all kinds of pictures of mufflers today. Everything from a barrel design with two pipes to these long tapered custom pipes which from what I could tell either went on a big bike or some kind of custom exaust on a souped up truck or street car.

So I still have no clue.
Funny thing about looking all this stuff up, you would think there would be a price list somewhere.
But I have yet to find one. If I do I'll put the web address up here so maybe it will help someone.

Anyway, just an up date on what a day this has been...
I'm tired now.

Well life just gets more and more interesting everyday, I gotta tell you...sounds like a page from a script from some old movie.

But that is what's going on here. To add to the growing list of things that need money thrown at it, is the muffler. Yep. That just joined the list last night. I think the poor thing developed a hole in it's soul.

I went into a normal state of stilled panic. That happens when things show up and I have to start the process of "what do
I do with this thingy? and where do I put it in order of importance?"

Well, I have learned that it's always important not to panic.
I also know that to get the basics to run a house I need the truck. It's an older truck and I am greatful that it's a tough truck, just like me...grinning.
Gotta smile inspite of everything once in a while. There are always solutions to the things that go wrong in life.
I just have to get through the panic so that I can start to think clearly.

Because of the intital paniced state I found myself in last night, I didn't sleep so well and I've been up since 5:30 a.m.

Problem solving time. I tried laying down and going back to sleep as I have a full day ahead of me of going to the laundry matt and grocery shopping and taking a rather large package to the post office. With this new problem I run the risk of getting a ticket...so I'm praying for an absence of cops in my vacinity today.

I've been thinking for a while for alternate methods of doing what I need to do. With the cost of gas going up, it's almost 4 dollars a gallon here. And since I use the truck for getting to work and doing the running and nothing else, and it's getting pretty insane trying to budget for more money to go to gas, I have been considering alternatives.

There is walking. The most cost effective solution, but very time comsuming depending on how far you have to walk to get where you need to go.

To make that as efficant as I can I need to either get a basket on wheels for carring larger amounts of food, or start doing chin up's and weight lifting so that I can carry the stuff while going on an hike to the nearest grocery store.
What I can carry will be limited by how strong I am.

Working the jobs I have over the last couple of years, and especially this last one, I have built some upper body strength that I didn't have before.
So that's a good thing.

There is the idea of getting a bike, but money is really tight right now. When isn't it? I need to find out if anyone has a bike they want to get rid of for cheap...I could add baskets and that would help.

There is the bus system.

And then there is the: finding another really cheap ride option.

This addition has with it the added bonus of reminding me that I will need to make some life style changes one way or another to accomidate this change.

I started looking on the net for information and it's a bit frustrating because I can't just get some clear answers, there is all this stuff to wade through, and all I want is simple answers.
Makes me want to put a web site that is all about simple easy and very clear answers to questions for thoes things that come up that you don't deal with very often.

Anyway, I got up and spoke my peace very quitely. And came out here and was still in a paniced state, but knowing from past experience that if I wait that out, then it will pass and then I can start working through it and come to some kind of reasonable solution that I can handle.

I've got this crazy long list of stuff like this that is still waiting to get fixed now.

I feel the weight squarely on my shoulders. And it's heavy.
The list of things I take care of now without help is rather long as well.

I just edited the rest of what I originally wrote. I think I just needed to see it on paper as it were. And now after having vented and rambeled for a while, I can figure this out.

I'm greatful for the edit button on this site.
Thankyou.

This post was edited by harold_maude on May 31, 2008.

Since I decited to leave the job that I am at, some interesting things have unfolded among thoes that are staying there.

Since my slotted place was one of two jobs that were the same all the time, no weekends as well, the other is the manager's slot, there is already fighting over who will get what was my position.
I earned my place at that job.

The up and comming manager wants to give it to some friend who doesn't already work there. Now the person who should move up to the possition, she has seniority there now, and she is also a friend of the up and comming manager is rather upset that it's being offered to a person who doesn't want to work there.
I don't blame her.

This is just one more reason that I am glad I made the decison to leave that place.

A side note, since I've been sitting here writing this there have been 4 missed calls, all with restricted ID numbers, means I can't see who is calling. The two I did answer there was nothing on the other end of the line.
I have a feeling someone is just trying to annoy me. And I have a feeling I know who it is.
When they get the balls up to leave a message then I will talk to them.
Until then, they can just go flake away...
soap suds in the wind...

There were a couple others a few days ago, about this time of night.
The person I think is behind this is someone who until they screwed up, would call at this time of night.
Hey maybe it's someone from the other side trying to get a message across and they just haven't figured out how to send a text message.

Humor in the dark...

Anyway, things are unfolding and soon it will become clear that the person who is the up and comming manager doesn't have the discipline to do the job and the owners will either leave her in that place, which I don't see happening considering due to they hate loosing money, or they will fire her and get someone else in there.

Don't you just love drama?

I'm not fond of it, but since I've watched the people who are staying behind, that is part of the parting shot.

Going forward...I've spent the last few days looking for work, and the truth is that I really don't want to do anything for a few weeks.
Regain some of my energy.
Where is a dying business in need of a care taker when you need one?

I got three more calls in the last 5 minuets. I did answer one and told them to leave a message if they had something to say.

I am greatful that this is the last day this week. Every week at this job gets to be more of the same. Exausting.
It's become a place I don't want to be at anymore. The door is closing fast on it.
That's what happens when the time at a place is over.
It shifts into this gear.

I know I need a break from everything. But there is always the driivng thing of bills and the need to eat.
So, I'm looking for something that will take care of that and be different than what I'm doing now.
In truth all I want to do is the same thing I've wanted to do for weeks now, walk off into the woods and vanish for a while.
At least until I catch my breath.

I've noticed that the house doesn't have alot of visitors lately. And that's a good thing, because to be around alot of people right now is not a good idea.
They drain me.

My dreams have been intense over the last two weeks. I wake up exausted and although I can't remember much about them, when I wake up I am aware of bits and peices, and I feel like I've been engaged in arguments that serve only to frustrate and drive s person to rage.

Its for that reason that I'm glad I don't remember. Somedays the anger lingers, and there is no reason to be angry.
So I'm glad I don't remember.

I've also noticed a great restlessness in me. Something that can get pretty intense. Sometimes it's all I can do to keep from tearing my skin off because that kind of restlessness makes my skin itch. I know it's my nerves going crazy from what's going on in my body right now.

Knowing all of this does help, it allows me not to take anything anyone does personally.
I thank God that I'm not blowing up at people.
That's what understanding what is going on does, it keeps me from blowing up at people.

I know if I stayed longer at this job after the manager left I would get so frustrated at everyone else that works there, because most all of them do so little that it would end up sitting almost entirely on my shoulders. And because the new general manager who keeps screwing things up, has given most of these people raises, simply due to the fact that getting people to stay without more money is next to impossible.

The last raise I got was a few months ago, and that was only because of a misunderstanding on the part of the owners.
We had this cheezy questionair that we had to fill out, and I was honest about it and they thought I was asking for a rase, but what I was trying to get across was that the corporation and the people who make the rules have lost touch with reality.
The things they want us to do are unrealistic and expensive, and most all of it is a waste of time.
But they read it as I was asking for a raise.

I was amazed that was all they understood out of the two simple sentances I wrote.
The question was something to do with what could they give as incentive to us as motivation to sell more stuff.
I repiled with something to the effect that I would love to see the corporate yahoos do what we do for the money they pay us.
The other thing I said was that I would love to see them try to follow their own rules in the real world.

They missed it completely. They took it to mean that I wanted a raise. It cracked me up when I found out that I was getting one.
The manager understood, because she feels the same way about the yo-yo's who make the rules up.
Most all of them have never worked on a line making food at all.
They are buisness men. They have no clue.
But most rules that exist in corporations are made up by people who have never been under the weight of trying to do the jobs that keep thoes places running, and keep the bastards in their nice houses and taking trips that none of us weight bearing memembrs will never know.

Somedays I would love to take the top brass of some company and the people at the bottom, the ones who bust their butts every day and have them trade places for a year.
I feel the same about goverment yahoos too.

It would be wonderful to watch. Maybe then there would be more reasonable rules and requirements.

I would love to see some corporate type who has never actually gone into a running sweat, be put into the possition of doing just that. And then give him or her a paycheck that looks like mine does.

Things would change hard and fast, because I think that none of them could stand the pressure. They couldn't handle it.
My lovely fantasy.
It would be awesome.

Yesterday at work, the assistant manager who will be walking in the managers shoes very shortly, comes up to me and asks me to stay a week longer than I had planned.
I put my notice in at work to be the same day as the manager.
I was there at this job for one reason, to be a strong support for a woman who has been busting her butt to do the finest job I've ever seen any manager do, bar none.

The woman who is the assistant manager has used her position to slack and not really do her job. Let's face it, she hasn't.
She has a lot of bad habbits , she is always late for work, she leaves and the place usually looks like a bomb went off when she is schedualed to clock out, she has lied time and time again to the manager, these things and more has made working with her frustrating, and now she wants me to stay an extra week.

Her best friends who also work at the same place don't believe she will make it as manager, and if she keeps doing what she has been, she won't.
There is no business as usual, any more.
I have a decision to make. Staying an extra week might do a couple of things, put a little more money on my last paycheck from there, but it also cuts down some other windows of opportunity that would pay better and offer beneifits.
Do I stay and help this woman out, or do I let her just face it and let what ever happens, happen.

When she asked me, she said she was scared, and she should be.
But at the same time this is her opportunity to step up and prove all thoes people wrong who have no faith in her, due
to her work performance so far.
I told her I would give her my answer on Thursday.
I refuse to be a glorified baby sitter. And I refuse to carry the load of the place by my self.

Durring the day shift, the manager and I do the bulk of the work.
When this woman, the assistant manger has been on, all she wants to do is talk. She leaves things a mess, and I have yet to see her pick up a broom and even sweep.
I do know that when I talk to her tomorrow, that I am going to take of the nice kid gloves and be completely straight with her.
I'm of the opinion that she needs to either pull her shit together, put her head down and just step up to the plate, and start earning her wage, or go to the general manager and tell him she is not up to it, and ask him for help in this endevor.

She is in a panic. And that is the worst thing to do.

What I see happening when the manager leaves, and when I leave, is the place is going to fall far down in being the top store of the three here in this town.
I can see everyone who works there now quitting. And then it would be on the owners to fix it.
Which is justice, seeing as how they have made many promises but have yet to keep one.

Anyway, I've got to get ready for work.