harold_maude's journal

Here it is, sunday evening and there are few precious hours in the night.
The silver strands of frost haven't moved off the plastic in days.
Their pretty in all the different kinds of lights that hit them.
But they remain as will the plastic on the windows until the warmer weather shows up again.

I watch the plastic move with the beating of the wind and think about how much colder it could get if the plastic wasn't there.
This house was built in 1909 and so it's not the most well built house in the world.
But it's been here almost a hundred years now and if we're still here when it turns one hundred we'll celebrate with a huge bash.

I can immagine if the walls could talk what stories they would have to tell. All the faces of the people who have passed through here. The different times that it's seen. The depression, the flu epidemic of 1919, world war II, the first man on the moon and countless tornados.

And it's still here. Doing what it's always done. Living it's life as a house.
The old wood stove is still in the basement, and so is a huge pile of mud turned dirt from when the basement wall collapsed a few years ago as they were digging the ground up for something.

The oil tank still sits in the far corner, and it still has oil in it, although I think by now it must be no longer useable.
The wood beams still remain, and one of them is the trunk of a tree, stripped down naked, and all the memories of of people marking it up still remain.
The floors upstairs are uneven and the narrow stair case leading to the second floor is a testament to how stairs used to be put in houses. Steep and narrow.
There are old slats behind plaster and about three months ago we found some old newpapers behind some of the exposed parts of the stair walls.
They were from Novemeber 1922.

It was funny to see coats for sale for 42 and 43 dollars.
Then there was the social news and there was the sports section.
There was an article about a judge who had died, and it said what a great man he was, and talked about his life. He was born when this was still just a territory, and not a state.

I add my voice to all thoes who lived here before me. And my dreams and my tears. If you added all thoes up how big would the puddle be?

Even though there are many struggle right now going on, I think I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm sleeping in a bed tonight instead of outside.
I ate today. It wasn't a lot of food. But at least I ate.
The kitten we have inside greeted me with loud purrs and lots of kitty hugs after I came home from work.
The pipe that was frozen is now thawed and we have running water again.
And we have toilet paper. That's an awesome thing. Toilet paper. It's a luxury that alot of people in the world don't have.
I don't have problems that could even begin to equal thoes of the people who got their lives distroyed by the tsumini.
And I don't have to try to go from day to day thinking about the death of my children like the woman who's children died in a house fire in a town not too far south from here just a few days ago.
She went to work. Her children who ranged in age from 17 to 3 were getting ready for another day and something went wrong and the house caught fire and they couldn't get out.
What a horrible thing to find out.
I think her heart must be shattered in a million peices. And I don't think she sleeps at night.
My heart breaks for her.

I have alot to be thankful for...and I think more than anything, I wanted to step back a bit and think about the good things of my life instead of everything else.
And on top of all the things I have to be greatful for is that I'm loved. And that's the best thing I have to be thankful for.
Maybe thinking about thoes things will help me sleep good for a change.

Well, it seems that the after thought of winter has arrived.
With all the connection to Christmas that snow has, it seems that the months that follow after are almost an after thought.

Kind of a cold emotional left over. This year the month of December seemed to be filled to over flowing with the mentality that this was the last December that shopping was allowed.

It was everywhere. But there was no snow to accompany the madness. It would have made the picture complete somehow.

Now here it is, January and there has been the first snow dump of winter. Actually, when you think about it, winter has only been here for a few weeks.
That is, of course, according to the western calander, but else where it may be some other time of year. Still winter or summer based on what part of the world you live in.

A side note to all of this: I found out a couple of years ago that south of the equator the toilet water goes the other way when you flush.

Anyway, winter is here and driving is a terrifying act that I have been going through since the white stuff started falling.
I would love for it to snow everywhere but on the roads.
That would solve alot of problems. I think I'm going stir crazy.
I feel a bit crazy lately. And sleep isn't worth alot lately and every time I get behind the wheel of the car, my body goes into this stress mode.
I get back here and I'm still shaking. And all I can think of is how long will this last...

Ah yes, it's winter. I wish I could be someplace where it was a few blocks to work. I'd walk, even in the dead of winter...
So this is winter in the middle of the country....
I found out the other day that alot of people here go crazy in winter.
Too cold to go out side, and so your stuck inside except to go to work and on your way home, if you need any food that's when you pick it up.
And you spend the rest of the time wondering if you'll have to face a mountain of snow in the morning or if the roads will be clear.
You look at the clock and when 9 or 10 starts getting close you feel it start all over again.
This is the worst January I can ever remember...
I've fought depression before in winter, but nothing like this...
I used to want to move to alaska, there was never enough winter for me.
Now, however, there is an over load of it...and I just want to be warm and not have to deal with crazy people on the road...

Common, put up your circuts you wiely thing you!

that's me. Threatening this computer when it goes blank and just sits there like a big pile of plastic and circuts.

It says nothing but, like a stuborn mule, I know it's plotting.

It wants to go on computer vacation!

Of all the nerve! Immagine a computer making demands of me! How dare it be so blatent.

Actually it's been a bear lately and trying to write like I need to sometimes has been difficult. So I've been painting like crazy.
I've also been spending hours playing music as well, and watching strange movies like the fantastic planet and soylant green, and other off the wall movies like that.

I've been trying to not worry so much about things I can't change and I've decited that since my hours at work are so regular each week, that I need to enjoy my days off and just be weird.

I need thoes moments of weirdness, where it's all ok.
Paint me green and blue and call me "where ever the wild fungi grow"
I'm about to get some sleep. I'm falling asleep...and I better get this posted fast before the computer pulls a circut dead moment on me and forgets what it's supposed to do.

Sweet dreams....

In this very grown up world that we find ourselves in, there is an expectaion that permeates most everything that hits the eyes and ears as you move about in daily life, that one should be this or that and if you haven't begun your career by a certian time in life than you are wasting time.

As the information age morphs more and more into something that resembles an asembly line for uniformity, the loss of childhood and the freedom of play takes out younger and younger individuals as time goes by.

Children are pushed to be adults faster and faster, and as they are thoes who are at the far end of the aging scale are viewed as having less and less value.

The clothes, the toys everything is designed to shape the next generation into sheep who will be enslaved to the uniform way of life.

The other day at work, I decited to be superwoman. Everyone at work, without fail missed the humor of the decision.
I wanted to put on the tights and cape and boots and walk around for the day being superwoman.
I got tired of being expected to be this together in control fix everything person.
I wanted to have play time.
One woman replied to my decision with this response "Well if you get everything done you have to do."
She missed the point completely.
I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and ask her when was the last time she decited to be something different, even for a day.

I finally explained to one of my co-workers my thoughts on being superwoman and she started laughing because her view of me is that I'm eccentric and that's about my speed.
I don't know if she realized that laughter is about the best revenge against feeling like your being swallowed up by the pressures of modern living that there is.

It was a wonderful day. I got off work full of energy and it was then that I made the decision that I need to enter that world of play more especially when the world screams at me "Be this or be that, and do your job!"

I'm sure by now that it's clear how I feel about corporations and how dehumanizing they are at the heart of things.
I can't blow them up or make them go away, but I can listen to the beat of the drum that calls me.
It says "slide" Just like the penguin in Fight Club...

I wish everyone, everywhere would take one day off of being so bound and gaged by the pressures of the world and play.
I'm not talking about going on vacation or going out somewhere or even spending any money.
I'm talking about taking a break from the box. Be something wonderful today or tomorrow. Be silly. Be stupid. Be goofy and laugh. Give your self permission to be a kid and play.
It's ok. The only thing it will cost you is a break away from the stress you normally live your life in...

In the early morning hours, when the stars are still visible, my day begins.
This morning I turned off the alarm and crawled back to bed.
Not a normal activity when the alarm is involved.

The alarm means that someone is working and so I get up and start the day by doing something completely relaxing.

I was the driver this morning and that means that the day off isn't a day off in so many words, but has work attached to it.

I was dreaming that I had made dinner and everything was ready and people in my dream were upset because the food I was making was late.

I wanted it to be perfect. But no matter what I did, it wasn't, even though it actually was. The people who were going to eat it complained insessently about it.
Everything was done to perfection and because it was a few minuets late it was no longer perfect.

That's what I woke up to as the alarm went off. I was still dreaming when I turned off the alarm, and still dreaming when I got back into bed.

I fought to wake up, and ended up getting up a half hour later than normal. It wasn't a restful time.
In fact it was extreemly uncomfortable.

I've been thinking over the last few days that I seem to be angry underneath all the time now. Everything makes me angry and I don't know why.
I've thought about any possible reasons and there are quite a few that could be the underlaying cause.

But more than anything I realized I don't like to be in a constant state of anger.
So I'm looking for a way to get rid of it.

Tonight won't help, someone is comming over to visit for a while and this person I have no use for.
They drive me nuts, but other people here enjoy the dumb blonde mindset of this person.
That's ment as no offense to any blondes out there.

This person is truely a dumb blonde. They are under the impression that you can see hawaii from california.
They also belive that the word gulible is a made up word, and that it's okay to be a tease all the time.

I could deal with it for a long time, but after awhile it got old and annoying.
I understand this person is just 20 years old and there are some 20 year olds that you meet that you expect a box of pampers to be somewhere in their possession.
But their generally not the type of person I enjoy hanging out with. I don't have anything to talk to them about,
and playing drinking games until you puke is not high on my list of entertaining things to do.

They are generally just a step above the type of people of roughly the same age group who are still doing the same dumb stuff as they were doing when they were first in highschool, like trying to get someone to pretend they are a parent and making a phone call so that they can stay out later than 9:30 pm.

We had a group of that last group show up out here at the farm a few weeks ago. They came with a couple of people that Kevin works with.
A friend of ours was out here when the group got here.
I stayed in the room about three minuets. The friend who was here stayed in the room about 5 minuets, and then decited to leave because these three brain dead people who were of the group I just discribed above were making her angry too.

Then kevin gets this bright idea to ask me if we can open one of the bottles of wine that a friend of ours made, and he's all excited, and I'm thinking " how stupid are you"
I looked at him and said no. These three girls were obviously under age, and brain dead and touble from the word go.

I got more and more pissed off. I came down stairs and sat down to write in my journal to calm down, and I'm getting more and more pissed off and am about to not be in control anymore and fly up the stair and bodily throw these three people out.
They are up stairs being stupid and trying to talk kevin into buying them beer.

These three get into some kind of stupid argument and decide to leave. I'm greatful at this point because I would hate to go to jail for what I'm wanting to do.

I find that kind of anger rising up alot lately, and tonight it may end up that I spend most of the night down here.
I have to find a way to get rid of the anger.

There is something that has occured to me on several occasions that may be ultimately what's going on.
I have this...gift, and I call it a gift, because it's designed to give me insight as to how to help people who are hurting.
They show up when they are in pain, or near death or have lost someone and are grieving.
In the right situations it has allowed me to be a support and a help.

But at the same time, I have to watch myself so as not to take on what other people are feeling. This gift allows me to see things about people, good or bad. Not everything. It's not that extensive. I've met one person with the same gift who it was extreemly devloped in and when we talked they made it very clear that they had to be very careful not to let what other people were going through crawl inside of them.
It clouds the vision and takes the ablity to see clearly away.

A couple of the people I'm very close to, have a lot of anger issues, they go deep.
I think I may have taken on their anger. From both people.
Both of these people are male.
And both of them, I can see below the surface of. I see deep wells of frustration in, and no way out.

One of them, the anger is so deep that it scares them. And rightly so.
If not delt with in a safe manner, the people they are angry at would end up in the hospitial or worse.
But they don't know how to deal with it in a safe manner.
And they won't listen to me.

The other person's anger has old roots too, and because of that they live in a world of cinisim and frustraion.
This person knows some of what they need to do, but because of circumstances they are unable to do what they need to do.

I think I have allowed their anger to seep inside me. And it's been going on for quite awhile now, and I don't know how to plug up the holes where it's getting in.

When it hits areas that are in process of healing in me, ones that at one point were filled with rage, they trigger old ghosts of mine.
For a long time in my life I lived in a state of repressed rage.
This rage would surface now and again, and when I was aware of what was going on, I wasn't a pleasant person to be around.

I remember one particular incident in highschool that scared both me and this girl who was the cause of the trouble.
She was my locker partner.
I bought the lock and she lost her key. Insead of comming and finding me so that I could open the lock, she had the janitor saw the lock off.
I found out. I hunted her down. I found her in one of the class rooms that was on the second floor of one of the buildings.
I picked her up by her shirt, slammed her against the wall and got in her face and told her if the lock wasn't replaced by morning she would go out the window head first.
I wasn't kidding, and because I tend to keep my word, even back then, she knew I would do it.
I remember her shaking and the terror in her eyes.
In the morning there was a new lock. She came and found me and with many appoligies she gave me the other key.
After that she stayed out of my way.

After many years of dealing with many types of coping mechinisms that allowed me to function, I got rid of my rage. I couldn't live with it anymore.
It was so violent that I remember wanting to take this girl that I hated and tie a rope around her neck and then go for a drive on the freeway for a while, at least until she was in seveal parts.

It was shortly after comming to terms with that understanding that I was truely capable of that kind of hate, that I made the decision that the anger had to die.
I couldn't live with it anymore. It was killing me inside.

I spent a night wrestling and praying and crying and dealing with the want for the rage to die.
The next morning, I felt different. Lighter, and more importantly free.

That was almost two years ago. Now this. There are things about my job that frustrate me, and make me mad.
But that's work, and at the end of the day I can walk away from thoes things, and I've made it a point to take on the mindset that when I'm not at work, I'm not at work.
I've thought long and hard about the things that are work related that have that effect on me, and there is nothing that makes any sign of rage rise up.

But what's been happening lately is that I feel this ugly anger rising up and it feels forigen, like it's not related to me even though it takes hold of me and makes me want to do the same kind of damage that I was capable of doing before.
I have to figure out a way of seperating myself from it so that I can be ok, and that I don't end up hurting anyone.

Funny thing, if I did end up being consumed by it now, I would end up hurting myself, to protect thoes people who are closest to me.
Anyway, that's about all for the moment....hopefully I can figure this thing out and soon.
I'm in pain because of it, and I don't like being in this kind of pain. It sucks.

Says one to the other, "Next year I'll have enough money saved to go on that vacation I've been promising my family for years"
Says the other "That will be wonderful."

The next day the first one on his way to work spies a car he's been in love with since highschool.
He cannot resist. And it takes all the money he has and more.
At that moment he has enslaved him self to two things, and given much more away than just a vacation.

He has given away part of his life to fulfill a want that should maybe have been left in highschool.

The next day, his wife and children are killed while driving to the market to buy food. They had been talking about where the ideal vacation would be. You see he had told his family that next year there would be enough money saved for them to take a real vacation and there would be no work attached to it, like the other "vactions" over the years where the cover for a few days here and there was that it was connected to business.
The driver who hit them was a business man in too much of a hurry and too busy talking on a cell phone.
He was discussing the next violent take over of the company the man worked for.

And in the dark shadows the monster grins, and rubs it's bony hands together.
And eats another and more. Death to all who oppose it, it knows what it has taken...it smells of money..

He hadn't figured out how to tell them about the car, and after buying it, was having regrets and trying to decide which was more important, the promise he had made to them or his own desire that hadn't died since he first saw that car.

Now it was too late. The car which he gave their vacation up for now represented so many terrible things. Each one was pre-empted by the faces of thoes he loved.
Now they were gone.

He hated that car now. How selfish he had been.

Too late.

The smell of money, the lure of it...that's where this all started. Thinking about corporate things. How it promises much and delivers only a shadow that is vacant when you get close enough. It enslaves you than robs you of yourself and your freedom. It is a selfish whore who eats humans and spits out bitter withered bags of bones.
Nothing left but to burry them all.

So it is with the man who gave it all to have something that made an illusionary promise in highschool. That he would be admired and wanted. That he would be cool.
It took from thoes he loved, and then he lost more.

All that is left, is the shell of a man. Alone. Given a few days to take care of business, and then is expected to return to work and perform so that the company makes more profit. More money.
If the man cannot do his job efficently he will be fired. There will always be another body to replace him.
The corporate world doesn't care if you face death, or loss.
The only thing it wants from you is your life's blood. That smells like money to the corporate world.

It loves eating humans. It gets fat off our lives and then when we are too old to be of use it disgards us.

The man sits at the bar. The first one says to the second, "I have nothing left, except bills, and a car that I hate. My bed is cold and the laughter of my children haunt me.
The company I work for is about to be taken over, and I'm about to loose my job. How much more can I loose?"

Says the second man to the first "Things may get better, you never know. You put in a lot of loyal service to the company, and they have to reconize that....don't they"

Meanwhile, in a plush office there sits another man who looks over the lists of empolyees of the company that is about to be aquired and sees the man who has lost the most important things in the world. Sees how old he is, and writes these words over the top "Although he is very skilled his age is an impediment to our sucess, we are interested only in someone younger who has these same skills. He will not be rehired."

...somewhere in the dark shadows the creature laughs...