harold_maude's journal

Yesterday at work, the assistant manager who will be walking in the managers shoes very shortly, comes up to me and asks me to stay a week longer than I had planned.
I put my notice in at work to be the same day as the manager.
I was there at this job for one reason, to be a strong support for a woman who has been busting her butt to do the finest job I've ever seen any manager do, bar none.

The woman who is the assistant manager has used her position to slack and not really do her job. Let's face it, she hasn't.
She has a lot of bad habbits , she is always late for work, she leaves and the place usually looks like a bomb went off when she is schedualed to clock out, she has lied time and time again to the manager, these things and more has made working with her frustrating, and now she wants me to stay an extra week.

Her best friends who also work at the same place don't believe she will make it as manager, and if she keeps doing what she has been, she won't.
There is no business as usual, any more.
I have a decision to make. Staying an extra week might do a couple of things, put a little more money on my last paycheck from there, but it also cuts down some other windows of opportunity that would pay better and offer beneifits.
Do I stay and help this woman out, or do I let her just face it and let what ever happens, happen.

When she asked me, she said she was scared, and she should be.
But at the same time this is her opportunity to step up and prove all thoes people wrong who have no faith in her, due
to her work performance so far.
I told her I would give her my answer on Thursday.
I refuse to be a glorified baby sitter. And I refuse to carry the load of the place by my self.

Durring the day shift, the manager and I do the bulk of the work.
When this woman, the assistant manger has been on, all she wants to do is talk. She leaves things a mess, and I have yet to see her pick up a broom and even sweep.
I do know that when I talk to her tomorrow, that I am going to take of the nice kid gloves and be completely straight with her.
I'm of the opinion that she needs to either pull her shit together, put her head down and just step up to the plate, and start earning her wage, or go to the general manager and tell him she is not up to it, and ask him for help in this endevor.

She is in a panic. And that is the worst thing to do.

What I see happening when the manager leaves, and when I leave, is the place is going to fall far down in being the top store of the three here in this town.
I can see everyone who works there now quitting. And then it would be on the owners to fix it.
Which is justice, seeing as how they have made many promises but have yet to keep one.

Anyway, I've got to get ready for work.

Sometimes it seems that when something catches my attention, I end up getting lost in some forest, but only can manage seeing the trees.

Too many details. Too many questions, and not enough definitve proof or evidence to be able to explain anything even to myself.

That's where I've found myself with alot of different things.
Sometimes, after I've wandered off while looking at something else, I find my way back to the orginal question.
When I do, it tells me that the side track I took wasn't a bad thing at all.
Just more information on something I've been trying to understand.

The questions I had 3 years ago, I still have them now. They aren't simple questions. Some of them, alot of them actually, I have found limited information on.

Others have unfolded, ones that do have alot written about them.
The amount can be stagering.
Questions about quantum stuff, mechanics, string theory, time wave zero, how the mind works, what emotions really are, all of thoes things have lots of people writing about them, doing experiments about them. Seems they are searching too.

I've found that there are other people out there asking the same questions I am. And as I found out that they were, I was comforted by that knowledge, because it ment that I hadn't gone
off some deep end.

It told me that something is happening, especially when it's happening outside the great instituions of learning, and think tanks arn't holding cutting edge thinking anymore.

They don't know all the answers, or even all the questions, to us, to who we really are.
I asked this physist a question, about time, and I told him about the things I'd been thinking about time, and he told me that the questions I had science couldn't answer.

They don't know everything. They are just like me. Searching in merky territory looking for something, another puzzle peice, to a picture that is of us maybe in our true form.

Not clothed in a bio, chemical, shell that is in decay. But who we are underneath.
What we are to each other, what our life means after all and what part we place in cosmic events.

We are all made of star stuff. That's been common knowledge for a few years now. Science said it was so, but long before science got it's stamp out and put it on the evidence that has been around since matter and energy moved in a certian way, directed by something amazing, and unspeakable, and the most brilliant thing happened. Life happened.
That's the best way to discribe it.

Life. A single thought by you brings something into existance, it lives what ever time frame is given to that life and then it goes back to being matter and energy.

A brilliant thought might be nothing more than the birth of a star reflected in a willing and hungry mind who has been waiting and searching for that very thing for a long time.

Maybe that's what happens when all of a sudden the answer comes, maybe it's just the universe shifting just enough so things become a little clearer and we start remembering a little more about who we really are.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but I have taken to putting this stuff here, because for some strange reason, this place still feels like a very private place out in plain sight.

A very good friend of mine is going through something that is tearing her apart. Her sister accused her husband of doing inapproate things with her daughter, which is not possible as I know her husband.
And why did she accuse him, because instead of the phone calls comming through my friends cell phone, they used her husbands phone to talk to their neice.

Pretty stupid reason for accusing somone of doing something they would never do, especially when the distance between the two familys is several thousand miles apart.

It would be more possible for a duck to become a moose than this man to do anything inapproate with any child, let alone his neice.
He's a man of honor. I've known him for over 20 years and there is no way he did anything that he shouldn't have.

My friend is heart broken over her sister's stupidity.
I hurt for my friends, they are more than friends, they are family to me.

I do know what she is going through. Reading the events in her blog tonight, brought back the mess at the farm, and more reciently, the two people who broke my trust this year.
Both of them I helped, and listened to. One of them spent alot of nights crashed on my couch.
I fed both of them.

And both of them turned and ran me through, my trust that is.
When it happens to you, you need people who say they love you to stand up with you, beside you.
When that doesn't happen, the world feels cold and hard.
You get beat up. And there really isn't anything you can do, except ride it out.
In all the times that my trust has been ripped to shredds, the person who says he loves me has left me hanging.

So why do I stay with someone who has left me hanging so often?
I've asked myself that question so many times, and the answer is always the same, so he can see what love that is real looks and feels like.
It finally got to the place where it didn't matter how many times he sided with someone who has thrown crap at me or broken my trust, only to find out later that I was right about the person, that always happens along with the crap that comes first, he has never appoligized for his stand.

He tells me he can't understand why I love him. He's seen me go through so much, much of it has happened and he had a chance to stop it, but didn't.
He tells me he is glad that I love him. And I do.
The option to that isn't a nice thought at all, and I don't want to go there, even with the people who have broken my trust.
I'm not interested in revenge.
I have no desire for anyone to go through the things I did.

Having them be responsible for their actions and admit they did something they shouldn't have would be nice, but with the exception of only one person who broke my trust, the rest haven't.
I don't hold my breath waiting for it to happen.

I go on because that is the only thing I can do. I continue inspite of everything going on in both aftermath of the last two people who broke my trust and now the physical stuff associated with metapause, because somewhere deep inside me I know it will catch up with them.
It will catch up to the man I'm with as well.

And when it happens, I will hear about it. I'm not sure how I will feel about it, but I do know I will hear about it.

As to my friend, time will work it's hand on her heart and she will heal, but it will take time.
In the end she will be ok.
She is a survivor and she is strong, just like me.

This post was edited by harold_maude on May 26, 2008.

This morning I woke up with bits of my dreams still clinging
to me, like sheets covered in lines and threads that had some how durring the night, invaded and planted themselves deep.
All while I was sleeping.

It started doing things while I was awake. Immages, loud and quiet started moving in front of my eyes, as it were, I think it's called the third eye.
Anyway, these immages are going all over the place and a few stopped and went further with more of their own sub immages.
Fractile of the brain.

Kind of like a brain freeze when you eat icecream too fast.

Immages of people, and places. The giant who comes into work and keeps trying to get free food from everyone there.
He's a car salesmen by the way.
I know where this guy works and you can bet that if I ever need to buy a brand new car it won't be where he works that I will go to.
The man is constantly trying to get us to give him something.
He wants to take as much as he can.
He's a greedy, sleezy car salesmen. From his behavior when he comes in, I would say he lives his life away from work very similar to how he lives it at work.
I could be wrong, but I don't think so.
Too many ear marks of someone who has filled their live with trying to see someone on a bill of goods with a few hidden extra's tacked on.

After his immage and that discussion faded another was waiting there to take it's place.
A young man I met about 9 months ago. For his own reasons which unfolded just reciently, he decited to target me.
I remember that smile, it was hypnotic and over whelming.
It made me think this kid has a thing for me.

I shrugged it off.

Fast forward to halloween last year. We had our first halloween party. And like with most things that are entertwined in my life, this house knows how many people it can hold comfortably.
Without fail, all night, the house maintained a number of six people.
When one would go, with in minuets there would be a knock at our door.
It was interesting to watch.
Anyway, very early on in the evening, this young man and his girlfriend at that time, showed up.
She was striking and I could understand how he could be so attracted to her.
Then, she opened her mouth.

I thought to myself, she is spoiled, she comes from money, and is a controler.
There were as I found out a few other add on's.

After that, he started comming by himself.
The weeks passed and he was here alot. I found out very early on several key things.
Thinking back on it I realize now that it's a good thing this kid has only had a relativly few years to work with this thing.
Add ten and I would have lost the battle, the war and everything else.
This kid has a natural ablity to hynotise people.
Or he read about it in some magazine and figured out that using it he could get pretty much what he wanted.

When he wasn't here, I was under constant wave after wave of thoughts and feelings that I knew I didn't want.
That's the amazing part about all of this. Everytime that there is a strong attraction to someone, the over powering kind, I seem to know it's not what I need or want.
So I fight it.

And I did that with this. It was not easy to fight it.
If I had let go and given in, there is the very real possiblity that it would have ended up in some kind of twisted romanic involvment.

After two months of this stuff going on, him commming here all the time, he started targeting another girl at work.
Her true nature started to show up, and he started comming here less and less.
The emotional state changed and started slamming into me harder.
I couldn't see clear enough to get a handle on what was going on.

I reacted violently to the emotions. In other words, I was pretty much pissed off most of the month of december.
In my anger, I focused all my energy and all my will and planted her firmly in her home town a couple of hours away, until her children come of age.
She hasn't been able to leave that town since I did that.
She has tried to come back for a visit, but even that fell through.

Thinking back on it, I shouldn't have interfeared. I interfeared for other reasons as well. But I'll not go into thoes right now, what I'm putting out here is already into some pretty deep stuff, and I know that there may be people who read this who are thinking that I've lost my mind or something else like that.

To thoes who are thinking that, I have this to say, the universe is bigger than you can even begin to fathom.
We are more than we are told we are.
I will go into this more, but at a later date.
I don't want to get too sidetracked here.

After this girl departed the picture, he started comming here with more and more regularity.
He was back to what every it was that he was doing before.

The difference being that he started comming later and later at night, to see my honeybunnie.
I started getting the distinct feeling that it was no longer me he was comming to see.
Being a good hostess I would stay up as late as I could and then just go to bed.
I spent most of the time just sitting there, sometimes I would just do art, doodle and draw stuff.
Sometimes I would write about things.

Then about a month ago, he showed up at work to pick up his paycheck.
There were 3 of us there. He walked in the door. I smiled at him, and he looked past me, and walked around the counter and stood face to face with one of the other people and that same smile that was the one I discribed earlier, was being focused on her.
At the same time, the energy ball that hit me was hard and clear, he wanted nothing to do with me.
If I had been the only one who saw this, I would have discounted it as just a lingering effect of what he had been doing for the past 8 months.
But the other person who was not his target saw the same thing I did.
She thought it was really odd that he would react like that to me.

Again it's a good thing that this kid isn't more proficiant in the stuff he does.
I could actually see him using this stuff to control an army.
But he's sloppy, and lazy as well. And as long as that doesn't change, the world is safe, at least from him.

I do know this, unless he stops doing this, he will end up doing it at the wrong time and with the wrong person and then he won't be able to slither away.
It will bite him hard.

If he survives, maybe he will learn some things and change.

He was an education that I am still sorting through.
Learning from it. Going through details and making note of repeater patterns, so I can watch out for them from here on out.

I've also been doing alot of reading in the last few weeks on hpnosis and taking it back to where people actually started reconizing that it existed and started studing it.
I am learning and it's changing how I listen to people, and it's making me more aware. I don't trust people as much as I used to and after the last couple things that happened,
I'm really in a non trust mode.

As all of this unfolded this morning, I began to think about masks.
The kind people hide behind and although I'm not sure what percentage it would be, I'm guessing that the majority of people who wear them, have some secret adjenda or somthing to hide.
I don't want to wear a mask. I have strived to live in this place in a way that what you see is what you get.
An honest existance of being who I really am. I'm working in that direction anyway.
I am learning that in order to keep myself from harm or getting hurt that I have to be wary of almost everyone I meet.
I know there is a balance in there somewhere.

I do think that as I deal with the things that are showing themselves in that need to change, that I won't have anything to protect anymore. Nothing to hide. Nothing for anyone to hook on to and then start taking at will, even when I don't want it.

I'm learning to say no as well. I'm learning about what it is what I truly want, and what I don't want.

Masks are distructive to the person who wears them, but they don't realize that as they keep putting them on.
Masks take energy to maintain, they suck life out of you.
And after all is said and done, they end up falling to peices when the truth finally comes to light, and when that happens it's usually with the people they don't want knowing the truth.

So masks are for the most part, as far as I am concerned, pretty pointless.
The only value that masks have are as symbologies and parts of costumes that are worn for brief periods of time.

They do make great wall art as well.
I'm thinking in their place and proper use they are powerful tools that a person can look to as a mirror for their life.
Maybe in that arena, they are of great importance.

Well, that's about where it's at this morning.

Now it's a rare thing for me to write poetry anywhere but on a particular site on the net that is an interactive poetry site.
I've been signing my first name to the peices I have written lately.

And since I woke up with words and immages flying through my head and the remenants of my dreams flashing here and there, I knew it would be a good time to take that mix and see what happens, poeticly that is.

I'll think up a title later...

You lay there decorated in peices of sheet and blanket.
A still life titled "My Lover's Dream".
The somewhere where you are is filled with majic.
The kind that that wispers secret things
delicious and horrible things that vanish with daylight.

Do you remember me there? Am I the venus of your dreamscape?
Your face motionless, speaks only of a raptured stillness.
Sleep is your lover now.
Hypnotized by it's warm embrace, you lay there
drenched in the sweet mercy of sleep.

I watch, mezermized by bits of the sun
temporarily tatoo'd on your skin.
Ink made of light, pierces you skin and holds you fast.
Sleep's oblivion holds you now,
the death of waking hours.
And someday sleep may not give you back to the daylight.

For a few brief moments, in all of our history
daylight will share you with me, drinking in your footprints
along with mine, following us, taking notes of us,
our words, what we share, what we argue about.
And maybe the only reader of our book will be the universe.

Snap shots and bits of recorded conversations play in my head.
Famous words, fancy titles and romanic declairations
encircle, decend and dance on the immages.
Suddenly, like a cliff diver, they plunge throuh the air
falling into a sea of everything we are and have been.

My eyes, detectives of detail, study your frame.
They memorize you with focused determination
so I won't forget in the days where I feel how cold it is
when your not here, or how empty and big the bed is
when I'm lost and alone in it's frame work.

But for today, this hour, this moment
the rythem of your breathing tells me
that at some moment, sleep will finally let you go.
Releasing you to daylight,
the shroud of sleep's silken magic will fall away,
vanishing into nothingness.

And for this day,as daylight holds you
so will I,
feeling sleep's kiss still fresh on your skin.
I'll drink you in while dayligt exists
as long as we exist, in each other's presence.
As long as my waking hours find you are here with me.

--------------------------------

Well, I think it's done, at least as done as it feels.
I love having two days off durring the week and I will miss that when I leave this job.
For the most part, they are mine. I can do anything I want
on thoes two days.
I end up spending at least some of the time on house work, but I can do art too, and play music and watch a movie or two if
I want. I can make cookies if I have all the ingredients.
And if I don't, I can go to the store and buy them, money
available, provided.
I can do all these things or nothing at all. I can go for walks
when the weather is nice. And for a couple of days I don't have
to punch a time clock or make a sandwhich for anyone,
or handle hot food, or someone else's money,
or be nice to people when they are in a bad mood and
I'm getting sucker punched by fly by emotions,
because I'm there doing my job and they are having a shitty day.

On my two days off I don't have to slice meat or cheese, or fill and flip a make table or clean a steam table that looks
like an abstract painting, only this abstract painting can
burn and scar skin. But the thing I love the most about what this job has been, has been the freedom to work as hard as I can simply because I can,
and push myself as far as I can just to see just how fast and efficant I can be.

I keep comming to this place,when one job ends and before another one starts, that it's
an opportunity to leap off the cliff and just go for selling
my art, having another show. But the details of when
and where are still something I haven't figured out.

I just looked at the time, and it's closing in on 8:30, and I have a full schedual today. It's the first of my two days off
and like most first days off there is a huge list of stuff that
I have to do and need to catch up on so I can sleep in tomorrow.

It's a funny thing, even with all thoes things I can do,
I never seem to be able to do them for two full days
and when I think about it, the last day I actually spent
doing art all day was Easter.
So even though I have two days off from my money producing job,
I'm doing another full time job here at home.

I really do need a vacation.

This post was edited by harold_maude on May 25, 2008.

It's friday night, and for a few brief hours I am floating here in this space.

I turned off all the noise as much as possible because I was thinking again about some really peculuar things about my life today.
Everything that works happens backwards. I learn best that way too, after all is said and done, then the learning why it happened always unfolds so easily, clearly and it makes sense.
For the last few years every time something wonderful happens, on the heals of it comes something hard and fast to try to knock me to the ground....I think there is a journal post somewhere about that thing.
It happened again this week. I got this really great care package for mother's day from my daughter and when I got home, there was this guy waiting to hand me a somons for something that happened about 7 years ago, somthing that was done and over with.
But apparently not.

For several years now I've tried to help different people and they end up screwing me over.
It's all backwards.
It's crazy to screw someone over who helps you when you need it right? Or is that how the world really works?

Is it normal to get a gift and then get clobbered in the same day? Is that how the world works?
As far as I know everyone who has ever been kind to me in anyway I do the same back. When someone gives me a container of food, I return the container with food I've made.
I've given things away with out expectation, I've listened and cared for so many people along the road, doing it because it was a good and right thing to do, no expectations of some reward somewhere for being honorable.

So my question is this, did I fuck up by even being born?
I don't know why this keeps happening to me, getting slammed, knocked around by life, and generally used by people.

I've gotten to the place where I want to just go off somewhere and vanish for a while. But there are too many things that require my presence to do that, so I just end up wishing I could.

I was thinking about all of this again today and still am so puzzled as to why things in my world exist as they do.
It's not in my nature to take revenge against someone who has hurt me. The thought of getting nailed while seeing some kind of responsiblity on their part, nailed by karma keeps me from doing anything.

I really need some insite here. So this weekend I am going to do some deep meditation and look for answers. I just simply want to understand it.
That's all. Understanding it might not stop it from happening, but at least the frustration from it happening without knowing why would be eased.

I plan on painting this weekend as well. It's been a while since I painted. And I think that would be a good thing to do, something healthy and restful.

I'm hoping by the end of the weekend I'll have at least some insite as to what all of this is about. I can hope for that anyway, but as with all of life, there are no gaurentees.