harold_maude's journal

Right of Passage

# 46869

Ok. I'm going to do something I haven't done for a real long time. An observational oration on a particular subject that all humans go through. The right of passage.

Actually there are several rights of passage that we experience durring a life time. But what does that actually mean? Puberty? old age? marriage? What is a right of passage and why is it so important?

So lets break it down and then maybe it will be a little more clear what this thing means. A right is something that you either earn or it's a type of inheritance or it's gifted to you to another person.

Then there is the word passage which speaks of a path through a tight space of some kind. This means that the passage is something you have to go through to get to the other side.
Sometimes there are unforseen obsticals that we face in the passage.
But when we get through the passage the whole view changes.

The combining of the words speak of something that changes us and there are many cultures around the world that celebrate rights of passage.
There is preperation and support for the person going through it.

I love that idea.

A few months ago I came across a group called rights of passage.
They had some viedos on their site and so I watched them.
I thought of how many passages I've gone through and how many of those might have been better adjusted to if there had been friends and family with me.

The problem is that we in the modern world don't do that any more. The closest things we have to rights of passage are graduation ceremonies, permotion dinners associated with some jobs, weddings, and their respective bride and groom pre marriage parties, baby showers, and funreals.

Those things are held up as the landmarks of life. But they are not rights of passage.
The best example of a right of passage that I can think of is when a young indian brave became a man. From everything I've read it was more than just a single moment or hour or day, but it was a time of transition that required much of the young brave.
At the end of the time of testing there was a great celebration because the brave had made it through the passage and had earned the right to be called a man.
Nothing trival about any of it.

In the videos I watched they talked about transition and death and life. There was this old woman who had seen a great number of years that was close to the end of her connection to the body that carried her all her life. There were these women in the room singing with her one of her favorite songs.
It was one of the most beautiful dance of preperation before death leads us into the time of transition and when we get through that and emerge, we will begin the life journey once again to the passage of death.

This is all very important to all of us because I think the earth and all of us are headed for the granddaddy of all rights of passage. I think that's what the myans were talking about concerning 2012. I think that is what is pushing and pulling all of at the same time.
Things feel strange. I know it's not just me who's experiencing this, it's happening everywhere. I've listened to Terrance McKenna talk about it when he'd talk about time wave zero.

I'll bet that if everyone stopped and thought about the past year they could come up with at least 5 things that happened that left them wondering what they just saw.

I have a list that's longer than that, so I know for me at least the strange that I'm feeling makes everything feel off kilter and often fuzzy and weird. I was glad when I found out that I wasn't feeling this stuff all by myself. I know I haven't lost my mind.

My suspicion is that when we come through it, we'll start looking at all the stuff every where and simply loose interest in most all of it. But I could be wrong about that. I won't know, none of us will know what's going to happen when we get there. That's the scary part. It reminds me of a rollercoaster ride that one it's starts going there is no going back, you gotta ride the ride to get off the ride.

2012 happens to be the same time that we are in direct line with the galactic core, which I need to do some more research on so I can understand what's so important about it.
What I've heard is that it happens only once ever 26 thousand years. And then I think about all of us who get to witness this event and how amazing it all is.
Instead of being scared of or mad at each other maybe it's time we started being kind to each other and work on practicing love instead of anger and hate. That might be the thing that will make this a little easier on all of us.

It's bat cave time

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# 46843

It's been a couple of months, or maybe it's been longer,hard to tell at this point, since I've been here. I have come to a place where I need batcave time. So here I am.

I've been doing alot of stuff, and here lately more thinking than normal. A conversation with a cousin of mine augmented what I've know for a very long time, that people I know in person really don't listen to what I have to say. I end up dealing with that problem by completely disconnecting. It stops everything. A good all purpose stopper. It's either that or become a raging screaming bitch before they actually stop and listen. But then they think I've gone off the deep end of the world and wonder about how sane I am.

Since the batcave has always been a safe place to put the deep things that are going on in my life, I've come back to lay some shit out. The bat cave is the only place that this stuff go into because when I have done private journals off line in word they have gotten distroyed several times when the puter has crashed and belive it or not I occasionally say things that make sense to me later and good advise is good advise even when it rises up out of the mess that seems to be more and more of a constant in my head here the past few years. I need help sometimes and so having a big pile of words with good stuff sticking out is really nice...

I've gotten skittish about using off line word stuff. And I'm at a place where I need it.
Enough explaining...

I've been doing this job as a freelance contractor for almost a year now. It's not the job I would have chosen, but it was all I could find. So here I am doing this job and fighting with my significant other because he is convinced that it isn't a real job because I'm doing it from home. We have been over the economics and reasons why doing a job from home makes sane sense. He's not getting it. I finally got the point across one afternoon when we had company and he started in and once again I said in a rather large loud tone that I was bringing a paycheck in so it was a job. Period. He doesn't like it because of a couple of reasons, one I'm here more than not here, and it isn't enough so he can quit the job he hates, but it was what he said he wanted, so go figure.

I'm working from home and making money. Period. He has to take his boo hoo shit and just deal with it. We've had so many escalted discussions that it has made me feel like I'm pushing a fucking mac truck up hill and the damn thing is in park!
But he is just one person in a very long line of people I know in person who want me to do what they want...I've got a whole life history filled with this same repeating adventure in relationships of every kind. They arn't listening...and it pisses me off. But, I have managed to keep my sense of humor.
After a few minuets of them going on and on, I just smile and go "uh huh" and say nothing else.

So now I am and have been at a place where I need to make more money which means dove tailing another job with the first one and then along with that looking for a better more human friendly climate to move to. This last year the seasons of winter and summer have been so horrible that I don't want to go through more of the feeling like mother nature is pissed at me and wants to keep me just barely this side of death.

Doing work from home means it's mobile and can go with me and where ever it is that I end up I'll have the job thing in place from day one. It's a sane and reasonable perspective.

So now here's the part that has been in my line of sight here the last few days, there are some constants that have been companions since before I left the town I spent most of my life in. And I started thinking that maybe there is a company out there somewhere or more than one that employees trouble shooters and problem solvers. I've even though about starting my own consulting business, but doing that is going to be longer than just a few pushes of a button. I've been doing some research and some of the ducks are peeking their little heads out of the bushes. So I've begun to think that maybe, just maybe this is finally the right road for me.

I'm still doing art and have reciently sold a few peices, which was alot like getting a drink of cold water in the desert for me. I'm learning how to really use photoshop so that will be in the same class as my other art tools. I've found a few sites that are open to freelance artists and I want to get good enough to compete on those sites for art jobs.
That's number two in the line up of making money for my benefit.

Besides that I have been learning about making incense and have used some old incense to learn how to do the mixing and moulding of incense. Where I really want to take that is to the level of making shaped incense with custom built incense holders. It occured to me one day that alot of people use incense and there are alot of companies that sell the stuff, and my theory is that no matter how many people work and do in any given field there is always room for one more, because that one may end up being better than most of those in the field at present.
I'm glad it's still in the learning stage because some of the stuff I've created has been strange. There was the first batch that I added lawn clippings to. The idea was that lawn is abundant and it's got this great smell when it gets burned so why not dry some and grind it up and throw it in there.
Well...lawn is one tough customer. It is hard to grind to power when it's dry and when it's mixed with power incense it burns weird.

Because this is a new learning experience for me I decited to just try to make pressed strips of incense while I'm working out the issue of moulds to pack the wet incense into.
It pressed fine, but the stuff looked like cow pie. It cracked me up. I made poo sense. After it dried and I peeled it off the wax paper and looked at it, I just started laughing. It was hysterical. So then I decited to see how well it would burn. It burned for a little while and then went out. So then I though this stuff would be good for camp fires. The only problem is that to make sheets of it will take alot of other ingredients and that gets expensive.

So back to the drawing board. To get the financing for all this stuff I keep trying to win the lottery. Why not? I'm ready to do that. Not because I don't want to work, I'm just tired of having to work so hard and get very little return on everything I'm trying to do...

The bouts of depression still come. I know at least some of that is menapause related. Something told me that I'd have a long run at it, which hasn't surpised me at all. So when depression comes I know from experience that it will end up lifting and so not to sweat it.
One thing I haven't lost is my sense of humor. I am so greatful that it's still intact. I think I would for sure loose my mind if I lost that.

Things keep going. Life does that. Inspite of all of us and our best intentions our best plans our best best, life just keeps going. It doesn't pay much attention to our objections to it's lack or abundance, it's just doing what it's doing and that is what it is. It's a mix of fair and unfair as well.
And that is what it is as well.

Well, it's almost midnight here and I need to get some sleep because I'm working early tomorrow and then again tomorrow night. A nice benefit of working from home has been I can do split shifts and not worry about driving home only to have to turn around and go back. I don't have to worry about dressing pretty for appearences either. Saves a heap on laundry bills.

So hello batcave, thanks for still being here...

Screwed world

# 46771

Well it's official, the oil spill in the gulf of mexico is the largest one every. If it gets into the gulf stream we are fucked...

Bit by bit, peice by peice, stuff is breaking, getting ruined, and the stuff this is happening to isn't replaceable.
It makes me wonder how long it's actually going to take before the rest of us who get nailed with the consequences of the behaviors of a relatively small group of people.
After all how many ceo's are there in comparison to the six billion people on the planet.

It's a small group of people who are sitting at the top giving orders and those orders are messing with the lives of the planet and the rest of us.
It's not a hard think to see that if oh say the oil people looked at what their hand in things has done to the world, the trickle down effect and said to themselves, this is wrong and we need to tell the countries we are selling to that this is enough non sense, we can find other means of powering all the machinery, it would be a mess for a while, but if they stood their ground because the reality that what is being screwed up is our home planet and that's where we live and have kids,
well maybe things would start to change for the better.

John Lennon wrote a song called "Immagine", and I say let's immagine if all the sudden the people making so much money off of so many people got a stiff dose of really caring and went about stopping what they had created and started working on fixing it, what would that be like?

Or how about politicians suddenly getting honest and started telling the truth? It's often the simpliest thing that makes the biggest difference.

I read this quote by this Indian Chief that went like this "when they eat the last apple and the last peice of bread, they will realize you can't eat money"

I'm not for burning all the money in the world, but I am for the hope that sense and sensablity would somehow find it's way into the minds and the hearts of those who are running the show before the rest of us humans get so fed up that we start doing things en-mass numbers.

I think most of us if our home were under attack we would do everything we could to stop the attack.
Well our home planet is under attack and has been under attack for a long time. The problem is that it's members of our own kind that are responsible for this and what makes this all that much worse is that most of the rest of us have been helping by supporting the corporations run by people by buying the produces and services that they are selling.

With each thing I hear about that is being damaged in a way that there will be no way to fix if it gets much more broken, I wonder how much will be enough.
I wonder what it's going to take before people understand that this our home planet is not our toilet that we can dump toxic stuff down the hole and then flush and forget it.
There are floating islands of garbage in the ocean now.
There are rivers that you can't see the water of anymore.
There are rivers that now come in shades of yellow and red.
There is now an oil spill that threatens all the oceans of the world...

When is enough going to be enough? The american tea party rose up only after money and income were threatened. When I saw that it made me shake my head. Money is more valuable than anything else right now at this time in history.
With all the geneticly altered food out there now that is barren meaning none of it can produce seed for the next crop are we going to have to resort to making synthetic food in a lab?
Why not go a step further and just give all us robot bodies so we don't need to eat anymore.
Then it won't matter if we kill our home by making the water undrinkable, and the earth dead and toxic, which is what is fast becomming the reality.

It makes me wonder how long it's going to be before what humanity has done catches up to us and stops life completely.

A quiet moment

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# 46768

It's been awhile since I've come to the bat cave. The bats are doing fine and being bats. After all that's what they do best.

It's spring finally and it feels wonderful. The cold is still too close not for me to still feel beat up and bruised by how harsh it was.
It's like being sore all over and so tired that you can't sleep because there isn't any comfortable possition.

I'm working on a very tiny garden this year. All vegies and if they do well, I will get to enjoy some amazing food.
I feel a bit like an over anxious parent.
The seeds will do what seeds do and I'll be amazed by the little green shoots that come up out of the dirt.
It's been along time since I had a garden of any size.
This one is tiny by design. I have extreemly limited space to work with.
I chose containers to plant the garden in and because I am planting heirloom seeds I had choices in colors.
My choice was easy, everything except the mellons are purple.

Three kinds of tomatoes, one kind of bean, one kind of carrot, and something called Sun berries, which are suppose to be like blue berries but much better.
The beans are pole type beans and when ripe they are an extrodinary shade of deep purple. I have never tried these so I am hoping they taste as good as they look.
Purple carrots with orange just below the peel. How could I resist?

One of my tomato choices was something similar to a roma tomato but they are this gorgous shade of violet with twinges of deep red.
The most crazy in color of all three tomatoes are call Black Sea Man tomatoes. They are kind of multi colored inside with a purple skin.

I'm hoping that the tomatoes produce a larage amount of tomatoes so I can freeze some for this winter when I can make really good tomato soup.

It is indeed spring. I never thought winter would get done. It was not only bitterly cold but it was hard in so many ways.
It hurt inside and out.
Thinking about what came from all that time I can definately say that it was a time of growing for me.
Learning to see good things in the midst of so much lack.
Learning about what I truely want for the rest of my life.
It was indeed a time of solitude that I had no choice about.
I don't think anyone would choose what this last winter was like.

I've read in the farmers almanac that either last winter or the one before was going to be the warmest this centruy. If that's right then winter will take more and more and be harder to survive.
Makes me wish I had a farm further down south where it doesn't get so crazy cold in the winter.

But life goes on wether we agree to how its going on or not.
I guess in light of the big picture that's the best thing for all of us.

Wensday morning

# 46709

It's 6 a.m. I've been up since 4 a.m. And I didn't sleep good last night.
Insomina has been something I'm getting really used to here lately. Not a good thing. My dream states when I can sleep are so crazy and they move into these places where I'm not sure if I'm asleep or awake.
I hope that when spring gets here, this will all change.

I finally found a job, I think. I start the training today, and will find out if this is a job or something else. Who knows anymore.
I was doing this other thing and just got a notice that they changed the rules so I have to print off the new contract stuff and sign it and send it off if I want to keep working with them. To be honest I'm not sure I really want to, as it's been problems from the get go with them.
I was so frustrated that I finally did some research and found out for that particular industry they are listed as the second worst company to work for, seems they have a running problem with sending out paychecks on time and some how those checks at times tend to get lost somewhere.
When people who have worked for this company try to get answers they are met with little or no help and rudeness.

I'm just hoping that the job training I'm schedualed for today works out and then I can just write off this other thing as a learning experience.
The truth is, I'm so tired from all the work that I've been through just to find a job that will be enough to pay the bills and not kill some part of me in the process, that it's hard to be excited or happy about any of it.

Everything all over is such a mess in one way or another. Not alot makes much sense. So what ever happens today will be what happens today.

In other parts of my life I sold a couple of purses I made which helped alot. Doing that felt good, but being as tired as I am from the last six months, I wasn't over taken by excitement, just quiet gratitude for having made some money at all.

It's really sad when I'm too burned out and too spent to get exicted about selling something I created. It says alot about the reality of what daily life is like.
6 to 10 hours a day filled with filling out applications, doing research on companies, reading tutorials on resume stuff, interview stuff and then trying to learn new things that will help me find work that is closer to the art field. I've been trying to learn how to do the stuff associated with graphic arts for a couple of months now, but to be honest, not alot of it is sticking very well.
From what I can gather there is an assumption that the person who is trying to learn already has some idea of at least some of what is going on.
The stuff I do know, I only know because what I've learned has come through playing with a couple of different programs. I have no clue as to what things are called, I just know I've played around with the stuff and sort of kind of, figured a few things out.

Maybe I need to get a graphics arts for dummies books. I've got one on grant writing, but I think they need to do another one for that and call it the dummies for dummies for grant writing book.
I have tried since I got the book to grasp the concepts in there, but it isn't working so good.

I know I'm not stupid, or maybe I'm just stupid in some areas of learning, who knows. Anyway, my life keeps going on.
I wish spring would hurry up and get here already.

In the hallway

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# 46704

I've been spending the last several months trying to find an open door for a job. Closed doors are everywhere thanks to an economy that resembles a mix of buildings being blown up and other ones in the same area being built.
The frustration has been amazing.

All of the trying and all of the rejection have had the effect of making me wonder if there is anything out there that I am the right fit for. Emotionally and mentally this whole process has been exausting, but since I still need to make a living somehow I really cannot just take a break from any of it.

After finding nothing but closed doors here in the town where I live, I began to search for freelance gigs that I had at least a basic set of skills for. Many of them I've yet to hear back from. While I understand that the competition is intense, and lots of people are fighting for jobs, I finally decited that it was ok to feel what all this has made me feel.
I have value too. The art that I do is not valueless.

I finally sold two handmade purses last week. It felt so good to actually have something I created sell.
At the same time I noticed that I lacked the energy to get overly excited about it. It made me realize that I've been in effect hanging off the edge of a very high cliff for quite sometime. Not a good place to spend life.

I realized I need to find a place that I fit into. I can believe in my value as a human being, but it's really nice to find other people who think so too. It's nice to be able to create art and sell bits here and there, but it's also nice when complete strangers find the work worth something as well.
There is something about all of that and validation that helps much like taking vitamins help the body. People buying your work, says more than compliments that I find I really don't put alot of stock in anymore.
If someone who has money and the ablity to buy art, even a small peice, like a print or a small job that I am more than able to do, just offers me compliments that translates to that the compliments are about their fear of offending my ego.

For a long time I believed people when they would go on and on about how wonderful my art was and then turn around and tell me I should be doing something with my art. All of those people have money to go and buy lots of stuff and don't seem to understand that instead of telling me I should be doing something with my art that buying a pecie of my art, even a print would fit the bill all the way around.
As a result of this kind of thing going on and on, I finally got to the point where I looked at what they said as they weren't being honest, just nice. So I tend not to tust compliments anymore.
I would rather have a person be honest and tell me what they really think than just throw compliments at me. I can understand people looking at a peice of art that has a huge price tag and saying they like it and not buying it simply because of the cost, but generally most artists are opening to doing prints of their work.
I'd love to own an original Van Gogh because I love his work, but it's priced higher than I can afford, but a print or a card with his art on it is certianly with in my budget. I have a book of his work and if he were alive to day buying that book would go to support him as an artist.

When I see art of other artists, if I don't like the work I don't compliment them. If they ask what I think I'm honest. Complimenting artists out of fear of brusing their ego does nothing for the artist except create an illusion that has no truth attached to it.
Because of my own experience I tend to be honest. If I like someone's work I generally wait until I can afford at least a print and then buy a print of the work if the orignal is too expensive to show them that I like their work and at that point let them know that I like their work. That way they know I'm being honest with them instead of just stroking their ego.

This aside I'm still trying to find work of any kind. The doors are still shut and so all I can do is think of each day in the frame work of maybe today will be the day that things will change.

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