harold_maude's journal

Can't seem to do anything quite straight or right these days. Everything feels medocre and dull. I'm struggling to find my way through this. Rediscover a passion or something...a spark maybe?
Would be nice.

I started the next job today. The next appointed time of what ever and why ever it is that I'm there. I believe in my bones that every place that I have ever worked at, wether for a massive corporation or a lone business man with a handful of employees, there has been purpose there.

I've yet to see something just open up to me just because I'm what ever...it doesn't work that way, I don't ever just get something, there is purpose in everything.

So, we will see why I am here, and for how long as well.

It's a good thing that I can still remember that. Somedays it slips out of mind and it's then that I feel the most lost.

Somewhere there is an energy source strong enough to re-charge me. I don't know what and I don't know where. But it's out there somewhere.

It's another one of thoes rocky evenings...I need to have a good long cry and just release some of this. I ain't strong enough to hold it up any more by myself.

The last three weeks have been full. I've put in longer hours and on top of that getting not much sleep, I had to put something into motion fast so that I can still keep the roof over my head.
So there I am, filling out app's, trying to get things ready to sell, and trying to catch up on some major house cleaning.

I found out that I got the job yesterday. I wish I had known on friday so that I could have actually relaxed some before
today.
I had planned to just rest for a week and then start looking for work while I tried to sell some of my art.
But I'm not so good at just resting. I rather suck at it to be honest.
Relaxing is difficult for me. I feel the need to create and do all the time. To be busy about something that will produce something wonderful somewhere...

I get impaitent with myself alot anymore.

The first week after I left the last job I spent the better part of that week on my back most of the time because I was too exausted to move. When I could, I did stuff very slow.
I had been looking at jobs for a month already, so when I would look at my email things were already comming in.

But it wasn't until the leave date was set that I could actually give anyone a specific date of availablity.

Trying to make stuff durring the last two weeks has felt numb.
Life less and complete crap.

I have to believe that if this is the place, then the strength I need to be on while I am there, will be there.
I do take stress tabs by the way, just incase someone thought vitamins would help.

There was a time not so long ago, just a couple of years in fact that a passion to help the homeless got stronger than it had ever been.
I wanted to start a recycling center. Focus mostly on clothes.
Pay some homeless people really well to dissasemble the stuff and then use the material to make moblie carpet for tents, wall carpets for tents as well. Things that would help to retain more heat on cold nights.

I wanted to find someone who could help me make this dream come true.

Then that dream grew, and became owning a peice of land where people just like me could come and find a safe place to figure things out. A place to rest and think. I wanted to make a barter deal with the people who would want to stay there for a while, they would have to work on the place to get a safe place to stay and food to eat, shower and laundry facilities.
some kind of written agreement so that people would have less thought of abusing it.

Then that grew into more, having green houses and making them raised bed gardens, and inviting people who could not do so other wise to come and learn and help and at harvest, take home some really good food.

Then that grew into something bigger, A place that made room for people to come and make things they are good at, and have a store near the road that would sell the stuff that the people who lived on the land made.
Maybe some traditional art or craft might not be lost that way.

And finally that grew into this, and this would take a lot of land, on the land building a school dedicated to people teaching other people about things they know, old arts that are all but forgotten, like that lady in France did, several years ago now. She revived the art of making lace and was in the end honored by her country for doing it.

My dreams are big. So big. And I have no way that I know of to make these things happen. They would help so many people...

I want to see thoes things happen, and to be honest, I don't care if someone else does them, I just want to see them happen.
I just know alot of lives would be changed.

Anyway, I'm here...

I'm fumbling through stuff again. This latest sorting process has to do with making jewerly of all things.
About 2 weeks ago I got an idea, to make goth type jewerly and see if I could sell it.
I started searching and there are some aspects to the goth arena that I have an afinity for but other parts of that don't interest me at all.

This isn't my first introduction to the world of goth, that happened a few years back. My research into the history of goth and what exactly goth is took me back to the beatnicks of the 1950' and the coffee house bohemian life style addopted by a generation of artist individuals that were outside the norms of society.
Goth showed up somewhere out of that and durring the first generation of goth it was it's own voice, own choices and the collective of goth chose the black of the beatnicks as their statement in clothes choices to show the world who they were, just like the hippies of the 1960's did.

In my search I began to see that what exists today is a huge culture underground. What was once a burgoning social statement has become little more than a diverse large society with everything from the darkest of our nature symbolized in fashion, to the ideals that existed in the first place.

And there are as many different styles to goth as there are main stream.
I've come to think that anyone can wear something black and say they are goth.

It's all theatreical in manner and dress now. I don't see any type of social change venu with what it's become.

I don't know if what I am observing is right or not, but it's how it strikes me.

I thought about making jewerly with lots of metal and safty pins but then I thought when ever I have tried to do something trendy like goth is, it fails and sucks sencerely. When I just let go and play and do, then it works out fine.

So I don't know if I'm doing goth jewerly now or just off in lala land jewerly, but I'm going to have a good time doing it.
That's the conclusion I have come to.

For several nights in a row I have been having dreams with bears in them. The bears are like wise old friends who have come to discuss stuff with me.
I can't ever remember what they say and wish I could. I'm never scared by the bears in my dreams.

I've looked up the meaning of bears in dreams and none of them cover this kind of bear dream. I know for a long time that I have really wanted to find a wise old sage to talk to about things and get a different perspective than the one(s) I've got.
Hopefull the next time I'll be able to remember the conversation that takes place.

It's Thursday morning and I feel really good this morning. I still feel the uncertianty about what I'm doing, or even what is going to happen, but there are no gaurentees when you wake up in the morning, no promises of anything, just a day ahead full of possiblities.

My emotional state is in good place this morning. This last storm has pasted. I am greatful that I feel this good. I love the good days. I have lots of energy this morning.
Last night I started writing down everything I accomplished durring the day, and that helps as well because it off-sets the feeling that I'm being lazy.

I have a lot of work ahead of me this morning so I'm going to jet, but I needed to come here and put something good down, and for me, writing about feeling good is a good thing, it's worth writing about.

This morning I was planning on taking the bus down town and getting several things done, errands. But it's pretty stormy out there, so after spending the last two hours pouring over want adds, and filling out forms and all that, I came here.
My cave. That's what this place is for me now.
A safe cave where I can put the things I want to put in a safe place.

The raging storm that had been going on for several days inside me has started to subside a bit. I've been thinking that writing some detailed thing about all of what it's like may be a good idea in that maybe it would help someone who is going through it but hasn't done the research and feels like they are loosing their mind.
It can feel that way. I'm greatful that there is now information out there so that when a woman starts going through this and everything just seems to be falling apart inside, the information helps. It really does. It has let me know that it's not me loosing my mind, or becomming a monster of some kind, or anything like that.

I have worked to change how I see all of this. And in that process my understanding of what riding the storm out has taken on a very deep and very solid foundation.
I have faced much from other people. I had to learn not to take their words on or accept them. They arn't standing in my shoes. They are just passing through, and the cruelty of those things are just their limited view of me.
Big deal. Thoes people have had no clue, nor did they want any understanding. If they had, the things that they have said and how they judged who I am would never have happened.
Besides I have no need of being beaten up by people who don't know me so well, so why would I accept their view as the truth anyway?

The storms associated with menapause are about the chemistry of my body. No one else involved here, just me and my body going through. I can't avoid it, side step it, or delay it to some later date.
It's here, now. I know that when this is done, I will be stronger than I have ever been in my life. I'm being shaped by this into something more than I have ever been in my life.
That's what I know inside. In the mean time, this place has been the one safe place to put the overload that this does cause.
And everyone needs a place to put their hard things. And the other reason that I have been putting all of these things here is because for some reason it's helped me from falling into the cracks as it were. It's been a safty valve of sorts.
I've taken to changing who can read it, simply because it does get pretty rough, (you should see it from my end)
and that can be very scary to read.

But this is my cave, and with all caves and sancturaries there are things that get put there that arn't pretty or pleasant or even of a kind nature at times. I am greatful for this place.
It really has helped with the journey I'm on. And who knows maybe somewhere a book is just waiting to be written.
Would that make me a vulture of my own suffering?
I don't know the answer to that one.

The storms this spring have been very violent. Full of thunder, lightening and lots and lots of rain and wind. It's a great visual to all of this. It feels that way inside when the dark of this journey hits me broadside.
But I'm learning to be like a reed and bend so that I truly do not break.
I think that's the real secret to riding things out, whatever they may be. Be like a reed with deep roots and any storm is survivable.
I know that there are worse things that could be happening right now, and so I am greatful that they are not as bad as they could get.
This time will pass. And all the wisdom of this journey will be part of my life experience. I'll be able to comfort those who need comfort.
That's a benefit of going through any difficult passage of life, the ablity to comfort others, help make their way not so scary, not so alone.
And that is a strip of blue on the horizon. I've got my sights fixed on that strip of blue, even when it seemly disapears and gets swallowed up by black storm clouds.

I would want something that would make people wonder and maybe fear me.

So, with that in mind, I think I want my pirate name to
Captian Scarlet Cutthroat!
To the mizzen mast, because the mast seems to be mizzen...:)

I found another cool name, Iron Jenny flint...now there's a name I could live with, and go to sea with! Avast me harties...after the penguins they be takin over me ship!!!

This post was edited by harold_maude on Jun 08, 2008.